So, here it goes. Hope someone out there will take the time to read this and offer an opinion. I hope it is not too long for a post. I bought Divorce Remedy, but have not found the time to do anything but skim a little. Still at home with wife and she is adamant about not "working things out". Seeing me reading the book would just make things worse right now. Have been married 19y with an 18y old daughter. Wife has told me she has had enough and would like to make plans to end the marriage. This is the third time it has come to this, once about 10y ago and the other was about same time last year. She has assured me there is no one else, now or in the past, and I truly believe her. The same for me, never would I do that to her. First, my wife. Late 30's..a truly good hearted person, hard worker, wonderful mother. Would give you the shirt off her back. She is what she is, and will never try to be someone she is not. She never used to let things get her down and was always able to look at the brighter side of things. Not a person who worries an awful lot about things, always figures somehow it will all work out. Still likes to have a good time. Will go out with the girls and paint the town when the chance comes. Loves to entertain, but does not have the house to do it in (more on that as I go). A very social person that everyone loves when they get to know her. A beautiful woman with a heart of gold. Me, when we first met?...I think I was that same person that I just described my wife as being, which is why we hit it off so well. Me now? and probably since shortly after we got married?? mid 40's...early on being married and having the family responsibilities took a toll on me. I worried about our future, money etc., so much that I think I never focused on the present. I became this critical over bearing husband / father...never letting up. She just could not do anything right. I worked a job I hated for many years. Still not happy with the path chosen, but it is better. Got us into a house that I knew she did not like because it was the easy way out. "We will add on, we will fix it up, etc., etc., never happened. I had my good times and my bad, but I know now that most times she wished I would not come home at night so she didn't have to listen to the griping and complaining...whether it was about something she or my daughter did, or work or something else. I have always been a some what insecure person and I felt insecurity in our marriage. I blamed her. I know now it was me that caused her to be insecure. How she made it through that first 10y I will never know, but she finally got up enough courage to tell me she wanted out. Somehow I thought the fact that I worried about these things every minute of the day and wanted to know where she was and where she was going and when she would be home proved my love. All I was doing was smothering her. She just closed up and put up with it...got away when she could, maybe drank a little too much to ease the hurt, which I was constantly on her case about. So at that 10y "surprise", I begged and cried and pleaded for another chance. I became that person again that she had loved before and she gave in. I don't know how long I kept it up, but of course as time went on I fell back into that same old rut, and last year around this same time she let me have the news again.....too many years....too much water under the bridge..things are never going to change and she just "does not feel the way she should". Not as much begging and crying this time, but she gave in again and said she would try. I was better for a while, like last time. Even when I was better and not such a "bastard", I was still so critical of her every move. Constructive Criticism I called it. Both times she had told me she was 100% sure, done and there was nothing I was going to do to make it right, but she gave me another chance, bless her. This third time, although surprised, I guess I knew in my heart she was unhappy and I really had not made the effort to treat her the way she deserved and do the things for her that I should have. It has been about 4 weeks since she opened up to me, and when she told me, a sort of calm came over me. No crying, no begging for another chance, no apologies. I knew it was the wrong thing to do. How could I keep putting her through this? Maybe it really was time to just let this poor girl go and be happy, away from me?? She told me her mind was made up (100%) and there was nothing I could do or say to change it and I understood. She said she just doesn't feel the way she should ("loves me but not in love") and is tired of trying. We agreed that we would get through this as amicably as possible. We agreed that financially, right now anyway, neither one of us can afford to live on our own. We agreed to buckle down, pay off some bills and try to get better financially so that one of us could go out on their own. I want her to stay in the house and we agreed that we could work on that together and get it in shape so that she is happy there and our daughter still has a home base to go to. I told her that she will forever be my best friend (which she truly is, regardless of how I treated her) and that if I could not do what I should have in our marriage, I would do my best to get us through this and make things right for her and our daughter. She accepted this and never offered a time frame for how long it should all take, only that "she is not leaving tomorrow" nor does she want me "out tomorrow". Now I guess, is where it gets slightly strange to me. Things were a little strained the first week or so. We do still live together (in our crappy little house as she has called it), we don't have a big circle of friends and no real separate lives away from each other. Lots of small talk, mostly from me...and her just kind of talking when she had to. I could not stand to hear her talk about ending our marriage and she wanted no part of trying to repair it, so it was pretty strange for a while. Remember, I was plugging along thinking everything was Ok, and still planning on getting my act together. She was plotting her escape...lol. So....We both still enjoy going out and having fun...partying with friends and family on occasion. At the end of the first week, I asked her if she wanted to go out for drinks and we ended up at a show, out partying all night, home in bed and having a great time.(note that sex has never been an issue with us....great and fairly often, through good and bad times). The next morning she was quiet and I knew she felt bad about it all. She felt guilty, she said she did not want me to get the wrong idea. I told her not to. If we can still enjoy each others company, have fun together and laugh, than all it could do is make things easier as we make the plans to separate. So, as I said, it gets strange to me. In the last 4 weeks since she broke the news, we have been out to dinner, rides, drinks....drinks at home, dinner at home together, sex here, sex there. More fun in the last few weeks than we have had in a long time. Honestly, acting like a couple of kids. Still a little strained at times because I know she does not want me "get the wrong idea" as she says. All the while, still not afraid to discuss plans of getting our lives together so we can "not be together"...??? Avoiding all talk of a future "together". I have come to this moment of clarity, where even though I realize what a jackass I have been, and more than likely will not get a second (third?) chance, it doesn't matter. I am treating her like she has always deserved to be. I want to be the best husband and friend I can be. I am doing the things I did when we first got together....helping around the house, cooking dinner, doing laundry, whatever needs to be done.....and enjoying it. (I have always done these things, just not as consistently and without complaint). We are making plans to clean out the junk we have amassed over the years. My energy level is up and I feel "happy". All the while living with this terrible empty feeling that ultimately I will lose her forever. This change has come naturally and without thought. That person she said she fell in love with so many years ago really is still in there. Deep down inside (subconsciously??) I guess I know I am doing this to try to make her feel differently, to make her realize I am still that person she met 20y ago. But now I realize I missed being that person just as much as she mourned losing him. I want her to change her mind, I want her to have the house she always dreamed we would have and do all of the things we talked about doing. I want us to grow old together and have grandchildren. So as the last few weeks have gone by her "guilty mornings" are a little more at ease. She is laughing a little more and we talk a little more about different things, even when we are not out partying. She has offered up her cheek for a kiss good bye in the morning and for goodnight. She has texted me in the morning after a late night to see "how I am feeling". While away over night with girlfriends, the text messages were coming like she was a teenager with a new phone....she brought me home a gift, and sat for hours talking about her weekend. All the while any talk of our future and relationship has been completely avoided by both of us, except when I brought up the time frame issue. She said "a year would be too long"? There have been no "I love you's" (other than one or 2 slips from me), because I know it would bother her and it hurts to not have it returned. Little comments and body language have let me know she is looking at a future apart most times, but I also get some mixed feelings in there as well. We still talk about all the things we need to do to get moving towards the separation, but all free time is spent together doing something fun or entertaining, or maybe just staying at home and having a nice dinner and glass of wine. We are partying way too much, but laugh about it the next morning as we get up and bust on each other as to who's fault it was that we stayed out so late. She has made comments about the sex being "amazing". I just do not know what to think about all of this. I know that we are both enjoying ourselves, but the pace can't stay like this forever. We have more important things to do, whether together or not. Am I just setting myself for an even harder fall? I do not want to assume that she is starting to feel differently, but of course I am hoping. Is it wrong to be doing what we are doing? It is so hard to give her some space and not offer to spend the time together and do the things we have been doing. I think she really is enjoying herself, but am so afraid to ask what she is thinking. If and when she decides to give it another try, I want her to come to me with the news. Also, I know one month will not make up for all those years and I have to get some help, some counseling or something to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I feel like I can be like this again forever and get my act together, but can I?? I know I need to read the book, it is just nice to know I have found a place to vent a little and get some feedback. Thanks in advance if anyone takes the time to read this.
Welcome, sorry you are here. Read the book, don't let your W read it or see this forum. The book is for YOU not for her.
It looks like YOU know what You did or did not do in your M to get you where you are. It's good that you are trying to show your W that you are the man that she married.
What's bad is you changed once then let yourself fall back into old habits. Your W saw that and now she thinks your changes won't last.
read the sitches on this board. A lot of us are in the same boat. There are some good people on here with good advice. Read as much on this board as you can.
I know that we are both enjoying ourselves, but the pace can't stay like this forever. We have more important things to do, whether together or not.
Why can't things stay like that? What things are more important than your R with your wife?
Some suggestions for you:
- first of all, keep your expectations LOW and your Positive Mental Attitude HIGH. Stay out of R talks. This is your opportunity to show your wife you really can change. She may still move out, she may still divorce you because of her fears that you can't keep up the changes - but if you keep up your changes and are CONSISTENT, she may come back even if she leaves.
- If she asks you about your changes, make it clear that this time you are making the changes for YOU, whether she stays or not.
- Read The Five Love Languages by Chapman. Figure out which are your wife's love languages, and make sure you are "speaking" them to her.
- Figure out WHY you have been so negative and critical. Are you critical of yourself? Did you grow up in a household with a negative critical parent? Get counseling if you need to to deal with this. My H was this way. I know he's 10 times as hard on himself as he is on me. Still, it is soul-destroying to feel that the man you love does not cherish you.
- Think like you are trying to get a wild squirrel to eat out of your hand. No sudden moves, don't scare her. Slowly, carefully, entice her over to you. Validate, validate, validate.
Thanks Ellie You are right, nothing in my life right now is as important as my relationship with my wife.
I have told her a thousand times that I love and cherish her. I am only now realizing, through all these years, that I probably have NEVER SHOWN HER. How sad.
We are having a blast. Partying like a couple of college kids. I guess what I was wondering is; is this actually a constructive avenue for working on our relationship?
I know she has missed doing these things, and so have I. The pace is a bit much right now, but I think that is just because it has been so long since I have given in and let go...and a long time since she has had me along for the ride.
She has made a comment, or asked a question here and there, implying that I am just doing this because I think it is what SHE wants. I have tried to politely ignore them. As more time passes, I truly believe she is feeling the change in energy.
At first I felt like she was just giving in so that we did not have to sit at home, bored and avoiding each other. Lately I feel more closeness, but sense her caution. I am still amazed at my ability to NOT discuss the relationship, trust me.
And don't get the wrong idea. Besides our social lives, I have plenty of other things that I have put off or not done over the years. There are plenty of surprises in store for her if she stays around long enough to notice. And trust me, a lot of them are things that are for me, not her.
I have no advice. You are doing things the way you should. Just keep doing that and be patient. Just keep avoiding the relationship talks and enjoy what you have now.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Since she has opened up and given me the news, we have spent every free minute together...dinner, bars, shows, rides, family functions. My initial fears, and why I wrote in, were that we were spending too much time together. That I was not giving her enough space.....it has been a month and she has not asked for any space.
The only time we are apart is when we are working. It was the same way before we had "the talk", except then we spent the spare time bored, not doing the things that we should have been.
What I said was "she was texting me LIKE a teenager with a new phone".
Our phones are open to each other and we will even share them on occasion.
I set up her email accounts and passwords because she is not very tech savvy. She gave it to me to check her mail recently for her, because I had forgotten it.
There are very few things in my life right now that I am 100% sure of, but as for infidelity and my wife, I am about as sure as I can be. It was part of the initial conversation when this came about 4 or 5 weeks ago.
We assured each other, that no matter what was happening, that was not something that had happened, or will happen. She assured me that was not what it was all about. I know why she feels the way she does, and it is not because she wants another man.
To quote the reply from Ellie.."It is soul-destroying to feel that the man you love does not cherish you".
I know why we are where we are. I may lay a small percentage of the blame on her for not hitting me over the head with a frying pan and making me sleep on the couch....but you cannot love if you don't feel loved. We were in a vicious circle and just telling other what we thought the other wanted to hear.
Actions speak louder that words, as they say. Words are crap.
It sounds like you were doing a great DB job before you even heard of DB'ing! Kudos to you! I'd say enjoy what you have for now-- don't talk about the future-- if she's not talking about it either, she may still be thinking-- but she will never say this to you b/c she doesn't want to get your hopes up!
Just be careful. She could be getting some needs met by you (dinner, bars, shows, rides, family functions.) And the rest by another man. NOT saying that is the case, but I wouldn't let my guard down if I were you.
I know, I know...the 2nd reply on here to imply that there still may be another man...and I try to ignore but..at least it lets me vent a little. I may be blind to it all, but NOTHING has given me the feeling that there is another man involved, and I feel she has no reason to hide it if there is.
Through the years she kept her feelings to herself about the marriage and how unhappy she was with me and the direction that I had let things go. She kept quiet when the money was low and we could not do or buy the things we wanted. She kept quiet when I would criticize her every move and action.
She kept quiet, but she did not hide those feelings. I KNEW my wife was unhappy, I just did not want to see it and feel it. I knew what was making her unhappy and did nothing.
But....Through all the years and all of her hurt that I believe I caused, we had a great sex life. Through all of what has happened and with all that we are going through now, we still have a deep soulful connection and I believe that is why she is still here. The sex(although, at times alcohol enhanced, nothing new for us) the last few weeks has been amazing (her words), as it always has been. She is and will never be a cheater. I know her too well and when she tells me that is not what this is all about, I believe her. As a matter of fact, she knows it would make it easier for me to give up, and if she really wanted it over with quickly she would just tell me. My wife truly has a good heart and that is why she put up with me all these years. She did not want to HURT ME....can you imagine that???
She may have said she is 100% sure that she wants to end the marriage, but she is still here with me. There is nothing keeping her here and nothing is stopping her from telling me she wants me out.
She is watching the changes. She is being cautious. I know she doesn't believe it's for real.
I have done this to her before and she knows it. If it is too late, I have no one to blame but myself. If she can hang in there, I know I can this time, too. These changes are for me AND for her. I have been a miserable unhappy ahole for quite a few years. It is time to start enjoying life. MY dream would be for her to stay around and enjoy it with me.
So please, thanks for chiming in. That is why I am here, but the comments about another man will just fall on deaf ears.
