Hi, I'm so sorry it was this late before I could get on the computer to check on you. We had company to come in and stay late.
I understand those bad days. I know you can't help but wonder if he is thinking about you b/c the truth is that you are hoping that he truly has some love for you tucked away in his heart. He probably thinks of you as his young sweetheart or first real love. He was probably tempted to get very involved and even leave his family to be with you. However, that is not the route he chose to take, so you will get the strength to get through this. It hurts to lose the special person.......but sometimes, we are the ones that make them so "special"....you know what I mean? If another person was to examine the OM you fell for so young in life.....they may not think he was so hot at all. They may think his standards and morals are not very high or some other fault they may see that you are blind to......b/c YOU, JC, made him be so very "special". It was your love looking through those rose colored glasses that we have all worn at least once, that made him your knight in shining armour. He was the one that got away and it is so hard to let go of the line. You keep pulling that fishing line out of the water to see if he is on the end.....but he isn't. It's time to put it away. You know it in your heart.....but the heart just don't want to accept it right now b/c it hurts so badly.
For now, just concentrate on getting through the day. Breathe in---breathe out, it gets to the place that that is what we must focus on.....just breathe in---breathe out until the day is finally over.
I don't want you to think that I try to push people to the doctor to get medicated for every problem, but I know that people fall into a long period of depression when this happens in their life and they are not able to pull out of it without some help. If you feel that you are getting into that dark place.....get some help. Talk to your doctor and don't hold back or they won't take you seriously. Sometimes people need some anti-depression meds to keep them from getting to far gone....and some don't have to take them but maybe 6 months or so and then can go off of the them....but not all at one time, they have to gradually cut down on them. Hope that you take that the way I meant it. I have dealt with depression for many years and it's awful, so I know how this kind of hurt can really mess a person up.
When you have a bad day......like no energy and just can't make yourself do anything....then be easy on yourself and don't feel guilty about it. Get carry out food if you don't feel like cooking or else snack on what's at the house. One night once in a while won't kill anyone.....or else your H can cook.
For the days you feel that "restless" feeling.....I personally think that is the time to really get busy working at something in the house. I mean "labor" type work like clean out closets or garages or ovens or spring clean the entire house. when we get that restless feeling.....that is a red flag going up and we need to work out butts off to stay away from "trouble"!
If you have a good friend or relative to talk to that knows what has been going on.....do it on those days you feel like you do need to talk and talk and talk, until you can get it talked out of your system.....for then.
I have a book that I bought at a Christian bookstore that I would like to recommend to you. It helped me in my particular life long "problem" of fantasizing about another man.....usually not anyone that was "real life" but a movie star or somebody like that. I'm sure you could get it from Amazon cheaper, but it is called Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge. I could have shouted that a "Christian" writer finally had the courage to talk about things that the Churches I've been in never brought up. They are facts that we live with as women every day and we have not been told how to treat it. So, it was helpful to me. Just wanted to pass that along to you.
I'll go for now, it's getting late. Hope you have a good day tomorrow. Try hard not to focus on OM, but to think of you and your health and just get your mind on something to help pass the time away.
Take care of you....most of all.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
He probably thinks of you as his young sweetheart or first real love. He was probably tempted to get very involved and even leave his family to be with you.
It's highly doubtful he thought anything like that. Don't romanticize him. Unless he's got a lot of estrogen in his body, he wasn't thinking anything close to that.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
