I have been snooping around here for months reading all the heart wrenching stories holding back my own. I finally feel ready to dive in. I'm so impressed with everybody in these forums at the support they give each other. I guess I finally need some myself.
Mine's the usual stuff. Together for 22 years, married for 17. Truly best friends - 3 wonderful boys, built our dream home. Wife was working at our parish as CCD coordinator and volunteered me to run the CYO program as my boys are WAY into basketball. In the past she has suffered through two bouts of depression which I helped her along with. I felt like I have been a good husband and good father - she has always told me that. I am very involved with my sons, i think to the point where my wife started to resent my relationship with them. They are very involved in sports. She is ok with sports, just doesn't want it to be her life. She would always come to the boys games as she made a lot of friends there and it became a sort of social time for her.
The last normal day was Thanksgiving. The boys decided they wanted to start a new family tradition and have a touch football game in the backyard. I told them we should start a tradition that every one in the family likes equally as I didn't think my wife would be into that. She said "Nonsense", let's play ball. We had an unbelievable time. She was terrific. We had fun outside and then after our game, brought it inside and just had a wonderful holiday. It was one of the great days of my life.
Fast forward to New Year's Eve. I had started to notice a change in my wife. She was extremely irritable and had started to behave differently, losing weight, spending a lot of time in front of the mirror, flirting with friends...etc. She completely stopped attending the boys basketball games and started to act differently towards me. She started to hang with our new neighbors next door, who have a terrible marriage and started flirting with the husband regularly. She also cut off her family from her life and told me she was going to leave her job at the parish and that she wasn't happy. We go out New Year's Eve and she flirts constantly with the neighbor next door. I became very angry and told her so. Life continued like this for a few weeks until 2/05/08 when I got the ILYBINILWY speech. Obviously I was crushed. We started to work on things. I would get better, then worse, then better then worse. I finally found out she was having an EA with my [censored] neighbor. I confronted her and told her it was to stop right away or i was going to leave her and take the kids with me. She put an end to it, but was very emotional about it for weeks. I was there for her and although it killed me to listen to it, I did and just supported her and didn't get mad. She told me many times that she couldn't believe that I was there for her the way I was and it must have been very painful to watch and listen to.
On Easter I took the boys away for a week to give us both time and space as that is what she said she needed. The next morning, she called me and told me she loved me, couldn't believe that i am still there for her through all this and wanted to put an end to it. A week later, when I returned home, she told me she didn't remember saying those things and we were back to square one. We continued the roller coaster for weeks. I ended up going away for a week myself to again give us both time and space. Things were going pretty good before I left, but when i returned she has been very cold to me. Finally she called her parents and asked them for help. I have been talking to her parents on a daily basis as we are very close. They had been crushed by my W's behavior both towards them and me. They finally came over and talked to my wife last week. They came up with an idea of us separating. My wife wnet to her aunt's last weekend for 3 days and I am currently living at my parents for 4 days. We are supposed to continue this for a few weeks to see how this works. My boys are not taking it well.
Sorry to go on so long - almost done - feels good to finally get it off my chest! Anyway she returned Monday. 2 of boys had baseball at the same time. She asked if I was coming and sounded relieved when i told her i would. I had started to use the techniques in DR and they seem to be helping things. At the very least they are getting me out of my funk. I have been hiding a very depressed state from everyone in both families. I have lost 28 pounds without trying a thing. A lot of my peers thought I had some kind of sickness because it all came off so fast. My wife told me that she can't get her feelings back for me unless I start to gain weight as everytime she looks at me it reminds her of how much she has hurt me. Anyway - back to Monday. She asked if I could pick up both kids because she wanted to unpack her stuff and just "be home again". I agreed. She came back to the field and asked me to go to dinner with them rather than go to my father's. At dinner, she broke down a number of times and admitted she hated every minute of the weekend, hated her new job and just can't find happiness anywhere in her life. She kept crying and as much as I wanted to say "well this is what you wanted" I just did my 180 and helped as much as possible. I drove the kids home and talked to them about being on their best behavior tonight because Mommy wasn't feeling very good.
Yesterday morning she called me at my parents house at 5:30am. She was an emotional mess. She thanked me 100 times for being so kind to her when I really could have told her - too bad-this is what you wanted. She said she is realizing how many people she has hurt during this. She said that she can't believe I am still standing by her and being nice to her. She said she had just started to feel lost and felt like her own life was empty. There was nothing fun 4 her, but she also realizes she doesn't know what is fun for her. She said that she doesn't want to leave her house anymore that she loves it and her kids. She asked if when I come back on Friday if she could stay home even if it means sleeping in the basement. I told her that we would talk about it. We had planned to talk last night between 5pm and 6pm. It sounded like she wanted to come over, but i felt like we should slow it down and take baby steps, she agreed.
Well I call last night at 5:45pm. She gets on and starts thanking me again for being so nice. As I am talking I hear the doorbell and sure enough it's my neighbor's wife. She has become a very big problem. Because she is so unhappy next door in her marriage to that [censored], she is constantly over our house. This is a big bone of contention for me. I don't have any problem with my W having her as a friend, I just don't want to have to participate all the time. Anytime we are in the yard, or on our back deck she comes over. Last week I was cooking on the grill. The minute I finished she calls and asks if the grill was still on, so she could come over and cook a burger. She proceeded to come over and cook and watch us eat dinner through our window. I hate her!!!!!
Anyway - as soon as she came in last night my wife put the kids on the phone with me and hung out with her. So rather than get her back on the phone to finish our discussion I just went out and did my thing.
That brings me up to date- sorry this is so long. I have been an emotional mess for 4 months. But since starting the DR steps and reading i have been feeling better and more like myself. I think that is having an effect. I was going to let her stay home this weekend, but now after last night I am thinking she should probably go back to her aunt's as it had a good effect on her. Her family calls me everyday and thanks me for seeing this through and hanging in there. I have friends that tell me they would have run a long time ago, but I know better. I still love my wife more than ever. I told her that everyday we have been together up until 2 months ago. After reading this stuff I stopped saying it. I still feel like she uses me a little and knows that I will be here no matter what.
Anyone have any thoughts about this weekend? She was close to asking to come home yesterday, but I changed the subject. I finally feel like I am getting stronger.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
You've done well. I commend you on your efforts. So what's the deal with the husband next door? Is it over?
You are doing a lot right and making progress, so I don't want to suggest rocking the boat too much, but I did have a few things in mind as I read this. First off:
Quote:
I still feel like she uses me a little and knows that I will be here no matter what.
But that's not true is it? You aren't there, "No matter what", are you? I just think that you do need to make sure that you have part of your focus on how to make your own life complete and happy, even without her. As you show the supportive side of you, it leaves slack for her to figure out just how much she can get away with. There has to be a little understanding that you aren't necessarily a sure thing, if she's not prepared to also do the work required in a marriage. I wouldn't do that by saying it, but I would by showing that you can survive without her and that you don't "need" her, so much as you want her.
As far as the neighbors are concerned, I think it's untenable with the object of her affection living next door. Honestly, I would consider moving. The next door neighbor wife I don't see as a threat. Remember, she was in the same boat as you...she has a spouse that was interested in someone else. Rejecting the relationship your wife has with this female friend will only make her more resistent to letting her go. What did she do that makes you hate her? Or was she part of the affair? Maybe even a facilitator? If that's the case, then it's all the more reason to move.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Phoenix-Thanks for the reply. Yes the EA with the husband next door is over. He is trying to befriend me. I go with the flow as it allows me to keep an eye on things, but I am confident it is over. It seems like my wife really wants me to be friends with them so i do it. They are not my type of people as i find them extremely boring but my wife likes them so I try. It gives me more opportunity to spend time with her.
I am not there "no matter what", but I believe she thinks that. But I guess in a way i am, as if she has a problem and she contacts me I would help her. I guess I need to try harder make her think that is not the case. She just knows what a family man I am and how much my family means to me. I think she finds ways to take advantage of that. I have been showing her that i can survive without her and i really think she has noticed. I think she is in the midst of some type of MLC. I think yesterday she was starting to come to some type of realization of all the damage and hurt she has caused.
I shouldn't have said "hate", kind of strong. It's just that every time I think we are making progress somehow the neighbor's wife gets in the way and gets my W focused away. I don't mind the friendship with her, I want her to have more friendships and really think she needs them right now - it's just that she's over the house EVERY day. It's too much. If we go out on our deck, she comes right out, if we do anything in the yard, she comes right over. It's almost like she is living with us. I would say something to her but i don't want to rock the boat with my wife. At one time, the neighbor's wife was trying to flirt with me in front of my W to get back at them. But i just don't want to play that game - it's not my style.
Love your sig!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
What do you think I should do about this weekend?? She is supposed to go stay with her aunt again, but wants no part of leaving the house. She has told her aunt that she needs to talk to me about it - what should I do????
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Why do you feel she has to leave? I guess if she wants to stay and be WITH YOU, that I wouldn't hustle her to her aunt's place. Let her address it with you and understandingly let her stay.
There was this girl that was flirtatious with me and once was inappropriate. I wasn't interested in her, so I didn't really see the problem with her as a friend. The counselor said to me, there is only room in your marriage for friends that have the best interest of your marriage at heart. Basically, my version, it's your marriage against the world; anyone not for your marriage is the enemy. I think it's fair to say that the husband that had an EA with your wife (is that all it was) and the wife that flirted with you, are the enemy of your marriage.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thanks Puppy - The only thing is that real estate is pretty down in our area right now. I think it would take a pretty long time to sell anyway. Do you think I should talk to the neighbor's wife about backing off for a while??
I'm also concerned about this weekend. I know my wife is going to ask me any minute if she can stay at the house. Of course I want her to stay, but I don't know if that is the right thing. This "separation" was her idea. It was supposed to be for a couple of weeks and then we would re-evaluate everything. She didn't last a week. And of course, she only misses the house and the boys, not me!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Phoenix - Because when she came home on Monday, she started to feel very sad and was starting to realize all the pain and hurt she has caused to so many people. She also started confiding in me again and apologized about a lot of things. I was starting to feel connected with her. But the minute the neighbor's W came over, she snapped right back to that MLC alien. I just thought another weekend away from all could get her thinking again and that was the original agreement.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
W The counselor said to me, there is only room in your marriage for friends that have the best interest of your marriage at heart. Basically, my version, it's your marriage against the world; anyone not for your marriage is the enemy. I think it's fair to say that the husband that had an EA with your wife (is that all it was) and the wife that flirted with you, are the enemy of your marriage.
I really like this a lot. Makes a lot of sense. I think they both do want us to stay together, at least that's what they say.
It was definitely just an EA. We had many heart-2-hearts about it. I helped her get over it. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to listen to. I also confronted the OM. He said he could definitely see why I thought that, apologized and has since backed off. He only talks to her when I am around.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
It's not easy trying to reconcile. There will be lots of time, especially in the beginning, where you doubt your spouse and you look closely for signs that the boom will be lowered again. Your focus is in the wrong place. As hard as it may be, you have to focus on what you need to do, do it, and give up trying to control how your wife feels or doesn't feel. Is it easy? No.
In any marriage, not just troubled one, there will be times where you aren't on the same page. Your spouse may seem more aloof, less loving, and less willing to give to the marriage. And you want more from your spouse, maybe even resent that your spouse isn't providing for your needs. Whose fault is that? It's yours, because you are expecting your spouse to make you feel a certain way. Sure, they could be more loving, but you can't control that. What can you do? Proceed doing the right thing...showing your loving side and forgetting that she may be in MLC la la land. My suggestion for this weekend. Let her stay. Don't smother her. Pretend for this weekend that everything is okay with your marriage, and that may include going and doing your own thing. Take a moment to think about how your wife likes to receive love (words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, etc....consider reading "The five love languages" before this weekend) and do it. Just don't do it blatantly and over the top. Don't give any thought to what she is or is not doing for your marriage. And just ride it out. See if anything in particular that you did worked. Since this EA occurred presumably as a result of simply talking to each other...I'd suggest that you might want to start with just talking to her. Let her speak, you be a good listener. You want to control all this by keeping her away...but I'd suggest that all you can control is how you choose to deal with this situation.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
My suggestion for this weekend. Let her stay. Don't smother her. Pretend for this weekend that everything is okay with your marriage, and that may include going and doing your own thing. Take a moment to think about how your wife likes to receive love (words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, etc....consider reading "The five love languages" before this weekend) and do it. Just don't do it blatantly and over the top. Don't give any thought to what she is or is not doing for your marriage. And just ride it out. See if anything in particular that you did worked. Since this EA occurred presumably as a result of simply talking to each other...I'd suggest that you might want to start with just talking to her. Let her speak, you be a good listener. You want to control all this by keeping her away...but I'd suggest that all you can control is how you choose to deal with this situation.