Phoenix - Thanks so much! You are so right. I am looking for the boom to be lowered because it has happened 3x. Each time hurt more than the one before. It's like every time I get to a good place she reels me in and then drives the truck all over me again. The last time I broke down in front of my oldest son (I didn't hear him come in my room and thought I was alone in the house). I never ever want that to happen again.
After reading your post now I see how not letting her stay would be controlling - thank you for that. I like your suggestions a lot. I have become very good at not smothering, so I am confident I can do that. She likes the words and quality time. Some friends of ours has asked me to go to dinner with them on Saturday night. When I mentioned it to her, she said "oh i like them a lot". So I said, "you're welcome to join us if you want". She said that she would "love to." So hopefully nobody cancels out.
Thanks for taking the time to help me! There have been many down times for me and my children. I pray every day that they go away soon!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
One quick question - is my sitch really a reconcile?? She said she wanted to stay home because she misses the kids and our house - never mentions me! What do you think?
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Not yet, but I would at least "act as if" you are close. I wouldn't go all aloof on her. It isn't too late to drive her away again if you overdo it, but that you should still try to be more on the loving side. I do not believe that she would want to stay simply from missing the kids and the house if there wasn't more to it. Women determined to get divorced don't let things like that stand in the way. I'm going to believe, unless you've heard otherwise, that she is at least considering doing this again, otherwise, why express regret/remorse?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thanks Phoenix - Saw her tonite - still hasn't had the talk. Saw my neighbor. He told he talked to her and she is a mess. He told her that he thinks I am becoming exapserated and she better get her act together. He claims he told her that she'll never find somebody else like me. I don't know. I don't trust this guy, but he was trying to tell me to be more patient and hang in there and give her a chance to come around. Seemed like a "friend of the marriage"!
Her family was calling me all night. This is going to be some weekend. She hasn't asked about staying yet, but my neighbor told me she wants to talk to me this weekend. Will keep you posted.
Did a 180 on her tonight and it seemed to really piss her off. Bad reactions can be good right?? I'm just tired of being a doormat.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
The last time I broke down in front of my oldest son (I didn't hear him come in my room and thought I was alone in the house). I never ever want that to happen again.
Hey Mules, you might think I'm weird, but I don't think you should feel bad about your son seeing you break down. I mean, you definitely don't want him to see you like that often, or lean on him in any way, but I think that it is amazing for a boy to get a glimpse of his father like that every once in awhile--it shows you are a complex being with a range of emotions who loves his mother, deeply. And yet is STILL a strong man.
On this board, I have been blown away by people's unconditional love for their spouses and families against all odds. People talk all the time about "unconditional love" but people here actually walk the walk.
The incredible gifts of true strength and love you all are giving your children is humbling. I'd like to see a research study that followed DBers kids, and I bet you'd find them happier and much more well-adjusted people in adulthood because at least one of their parents stood up for love when all else had fallen away.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
GFP - Thanks for the response. I have gotten very close to my Dad again through this. That line has stuck with me now for close to 30 years - kind of a crutch for me.
On another note - my wife called yesterday and we are going to try and reconcile. She said all the right things on the phone to me for now. I had a counseling appointment and she asked if she could come with me. It went well. I am going to move back in tonight. My sons are very excited. I just asked my wife that we take this very, very slow. She told the MC that she realized her lost and unhappy feelings didn't change whether she was with me or not. She said that she knows I will always believe in her and never give up on her, so she may have been taking advantage of that. She told the MC that she loves me very much. I hadn't heard that in a long time. But when we got home to have dinner she got exasperated with the kids very quickly, so that's why i want to take baby steps here.
Thanks for taking the time to stop in and reply!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Lost - Thanks. I have been blown away by my kids during this. They have come through in ways I never imagined. After the scene I described above i apologized to my son and he said - "Dad, don't apologize, you have always been my role model, but after today you just took it up to whole other level. I'll never forget what you have done for this family and what you have gone through personally." Little did he know that after he left, what he said to me led to a entirely new breakdown, but one that was good. The funny thing is that after that i have gained tremendous strength to deal with this.
My wife and i are going to try and work things out now. She is very fragile. I really believe this is an MLC, so I am going to tread very slowly and expect the roller coaster to continue. But there have been more and more glimpses of her loving personality coming out. She seems to be accepting responsibility for a lot of the damage she has caused. I have been there to tell her that we are a package deal and any damage ha been caused by us and will be fixed by us.
I can't tell how useful the book (DR)has been to me. I am going to continue with it and make it permanent because I like the changes a lot. Baby steps!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
PD - Thanks - your advice has been extremely helpful to me. Thank you so much! I know we have a very long way to go here, but at least there is hope and positive feelings. I just know I am a lot more equipped to handle whatever comes at me than i was 3-4 months ago. God Bless!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I do not believe that she would want to stay simply from missing the kids and the house if there wasn't more to it. Women determined to get divorced don't let things like that stand in the way. I'm going to believe, unless you've heard otherwise, that she is at least considering doing this again, otherwise, why express regret/remorse?