DEPRESSION/WITHDRAWAL STAGE

[TRUSTING]

I love you guys. I have just been loving my babies.

The audacity of these guys just thinking that they can just walk back into our lives. I wonder if they really think this....

Many H's have returned when they have thought that another person was replacing them. I just don't want to live that lie. I have thought about parading a handsome man in front of dumbass, but I guess I want my ex to return because he really wants too, not because he is threatened by a replacement.

Ex was visibly jealous of me talking to the neighbor. He was also very jealous of me way before the bomb. It all has to do with their very low self-esteem.

So they choose a low life, easy piece of meat replacement.

[kikifree]

Trusting,, I have heard that too.

and Yes, they do think that. because our love is unconditional.

[glamgirl]

Trusting I have a hard time understanding you. You say you are standing for your M, but then you refer to your h as dumbass. Is this because you are still hurt?

What you put in your mind is what you will believe. Remember this starts with you showing compassion and love.

Your h is jealous because he still cares. Start by building your h up in your mind, so you have a new opionion of him.

I am sure your h is confused and depressed. How do you think you should you help him through this and what would he like for your support?

Just some observations! I know we have very emotional reactions, but it starts with letting the pain go!

[forward]

Trusting,
I miss my D when she is gone, too. But H has not wanted her very much.

What I would say is that I really need some time to myself. I want to work out. I would like to make new friends. I would like to have a social life again. I was thinking that I need to be a role model for D2, and that means that I need to develop a full and happy life with her and without her. After all, she'll grow up and leave home eventually.

It's called reality check when the kids are w/OW. Give the kids lots of sugar and caffeine and sent them off!! Kids have a way of requiring unselfishness and destroying immature fantasies.

All the things that we could not negotiate w/them are going to become issues w/OW, and then some, because it is not her child.

I don't want D2 around OW, either, but there is nothing that I can do about that.

[TRUSTING]

Glam,

You have a good point. What is put in the mind can come out as actions.

I call him a dumb ass because he is behaving like a dumb ass.

I still stand and love him, but when something is the color red you call it red.

I understand what you are saying, however I use this board as a release of my feelings, and that is what I think he is right now.

I do respect your point though and understand where you are coming from

[TRUSTING]

Breton,

You made me laugh. I am going to follow your advice regarding the kids. Lots of chocolate and twinkies...

[ACJ]

For those of you who hate your kids spending time with OW I have empathy as I too hate those times. I especially hate that at the moment my S15 is living under the same roof as her. However, let me share with you the opposite side of the coin.

When my H left I thought I was doing the right thing by my children by letting them choose whether they wanted to spend time with my H. They were after all old enough to make that choice. At the time it felt good that they didn't want to spend time with their dad and even better when they told him they wanted to see him but not OW. I felt vindicated. What I hadn't realised at the time was how much more difficult it would make things for me. Not only has it destroyed even further the R between me and H but I also get very little me time. I have to rely on my parents to babysit if I want to do anything for myself. they live 90 miles away and as my dad will be 70 next bday it's not an easy trip for them to make so I don't ask very often.

Originally this happened b/c H held me to ransom and said he would only have the kids if they went to his flat. They refused and he refused to come here. So to show I wouldn't be beaten I asked my parents. I did ask MIL once (and never will again) but that was the weekend my children found out H and OW had been engaged for 3 months and he hadn't told any of us. The fact that it was our wedding anniversary that very same day didn't help. MILs only response to my VERY distressed children was 'it's only a ring'.

Anyway I digress. Now there is no pattern to when my kids see thier dad. Sometimes it can be weeks in between him seeing them (especially in the case of D12) so I get no regular respite from parenting. Don't get me wrong I love my kids more than anything else on the planet but I do still need ME time. My kids have made it quite clear that don't really want to go on holiday as a 'family' again and yet they won't spend time with H so that I can go away by myself.

This is just one big juggling act and I know how hard it is for all of us but all I am trying to say is that at least if your WASs are prepared to have the kids on a regular basis that you can at least plan your own life a little more in advance.

This wasn't my most eloquent post so I hope you get my drift!

[forward]

Since I have been parenting a small child all alone for a year now, with only occasional breaks (which I had to pay for a sitter for), I was thinking about the possible future and realizing that I would have no time to do some of the things I want to do besides be a parent.

I am not just a parent, after all. I can't make new friends very easily because the activity has to be kid-friendly. I had an occasional sitter and it was just refreshing to have the "me" time.

I want lots of time w/my DD, who means so much to me, but I can be a better parent if I am also able to have a life as myself.

Trusting, consider it GALing and try to enjoy the time....

[cagzmom]

I too understand and hear you. There is mixed blessing with them going off with Daddy - and trusting you know the drill. The truth is the kids want to see daddy not bimbo...adn that is where I need adn try to leave it.

Glam- your intentions are so right on and yes there is compassion and sincerity of heart--but there are many sides to the coin. Calling a spade a spade but not to his face--- that is what i hear from trusting. AND I WOUDL VENTURE TO BET that IF he called her and aid "can we talk.." her sincere sweet spirit would come out..

You can't help someone who doesn't want help.
You can't fix somehting when soemone doesn't see it is broken.

Co-dependent no more.
Love must be Tough
When he leaves

HEALING ourselves, being true to ourselves....that is what we need. They DONT WANT help yet. NOTE I SAID YET --- if and when they do...I know trusting she will be there.

[Jeanette1120]

Oh Cagz!! I can hardly believe it's you posting this!! You've come so far! Sigh...

It truly was a wonderful post to Trusting.

We come here, we vent, we bash.....we GAL, we get divorced heck we may even date, BUT....

There is an empty hole in our hearts.

A rather large empty hole.

And no it's not about letting go and movong on, I'm sure that day will eventually come.

But for those of us who are divorced and still are intertwined with our xspouses, it is very difficult.

I will also say that it is not of our choosing but moresoe of THEM not being able to let go. This in turn keeps us dangling in limboland with a flicker of hope of something that used to be.

HUGS TRUSTING!!!

Jeanette