A Very Rough Year - Breast Cancer & MLC

[brandnewday]

I'm emailing a few of you in hopes that maybe you can post to a newbie for me--actually not for me but for a friend. I have been going through my address book (after writing the email) and am in such a hurry that I didn't get many of you included. Please feel free to pass on my request.

I'm emailing on a few brief moments and work and then I've got to go down for some conferences. I'm also rather distracted because my brother lost his battle with Leukemia yesterday morning and well...Sweetheart stuff continue's to distract. Counseling is great, but I'm feeling emotional from the work we need to do for it and need some space to hibernate and process. I feel so guilty because I feel like my brother's death is not at the forefront. Lingy reassured me though.

AND...our home computer is down. We may have a virus, but it's been acting up for a few months and now is completely out! A friend may be able to come and look at it, but she is out of town until next Wednesday. I told Sweetheart we can't even use it without the Internet--a virus warning popped up and it wouldn't let me log into my side anyway. UGH

But my friend Lingy who lurks but doesn't post saw the thread (link below) started by 1Hope. Her husband nursed her through breast cancer last year and recently gave her an MLC Bomb Drop. I haven't read the thread. But this is how it began with Lingy and she wants to reach out to this poster. Lingy tried to register (again). The prrocess was accepted, but it says it doesn't recognize her when she tried to login. I have an idea what the trouble is, but explaining it to her is a challenge...so she wanted to know if I could contact 1hope and exchange emails. Well...since I'm having computer issues, I'm passing on the request.

You guys have my email and a few of you have my phone number. Could someone make an attempt to either get her email or give out mine or your own if is can easily slipped into the text?

Hey Rollercoasterider wants to talk to you.


EDITED - email addresses are NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the
Divorcebusting.com: Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.

RCR

[TwinDad]

Hope1,

Jack is right though it is hard not to look for some ups. Keep a PMA. Typically when people are verbally abusive they are looking for a fight....don't get drawn into it....you can't win. If it is a MLC then I fear we may be in the same boat and the seas are rocky at best.

Do the things that make you feel good, at the end of the day it is what is going to matter, regardless of the outcome of the M. This isn't to say this is easy, no matter how many times I tell myself the same stuff it doesn't make it easy. That is why this board is great...I find it is nice to have a bunch of cheerleaders in similar positions hoping for each others success to be very empowering.

[1hope]

Yes, I understand. I appreciate your frank take.

I guess I’ve been living on the rollercoaster for longer than I have realized. Sad to think that I have come to expect it, and look forward to the "crumbs" of happiness that H will toss my way.

I have never been a doormat in this R with him. I have always been one to fight back. But after this last year, it's safe to say that I am not quite sure who I am anymore. I used up a lot of my “fight”, and I don’t want to fight anymore. I have opened that door and seen how short life is. I just want to get along. But H doesn’t, and now I’m really in the fight of our life.

You’re right, it isn’t fair and I am probably feeling sorry for myself. I’ve had CANCER, damnit! Why do I now have to deal with this MLC crap? Ok, I can answer my own question, in part because I had cancer.

Good. If I can get mad, the scared goes away a little. I am so scared that he is going to leave me that sometimes I can’t breathe. My 1st H carried on a 5 yr A with my best friend/neighbor. We live in a very small town, and everybody knew,except me. In one fell swoop I lost my husband of 18yrs, my best friend AND my hairdresser (her profession). I also almost lost my sanity. It took a lot for me to trust after that. I am terrified of going thru that again. I almost think I would relive cancer and it’s treatment rather than go thru another divorce.

Hey, here’s a thought. I’ll bet H knows that, and because of his pain (or whatever) enjoys pushing that button. Ok, so that is another reason to keep calm and stay cool. Breathe. GAL, and no regrets.

I can do this. I can do this…..…

I came home and the DB book was not in the mail. Darn. The book I already have is the D Remedy. I’ll keep re-reading.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

privilege

that rankles.

[sgctxok]

You're fine with DR, it is DB 'upgraded'.

[1hope]

Ok, good to know about the books. I can take one to the office, and keep one at home. Less to carry back and forth every day.

[1hope]

Twin,

I am trying to keep the PMA. This board is helping. I don't feel so alone, and it has helped fill some time tonight. Friday evening, the start of Memorial Day weekend and I am sitting here alone. No word from H. I guess he is probably at the bar. That makes 4 days in a row. On the positive side, this really isn't a surprise to me and if he isn't here he can't be making me miserable by yelling. He isn't the kind of guy that will come home drunk and pick a fight. He will hit the couch and sleep there. At least I get the bed!

I do feel that this is MLC for him. All of the things that I have read reslly point to that. I'm sorry to think of you in the same boat. I never thought much about wives experiencing it. I know now from my reading that they do. It's more the norm I guess to think about the typical man with the Corvette convertable or the young bimbo on his arm. It is very sad to think of your wife going thru MLC when you have such young children. I'm sure you heart aches.

My first D was very hard on my 2 sons. They were early teens at the time. Their dad had cheated on me repeatedly during our M, but the final straw for me was the long time affair that he would not break off. I tried everything I could think of at the time, of course this was before the DB books. Looking back at this I realize it was probably MLC for him. It was a bitter D and a horrible custody battle. Very expensive, but the cost to our boys is not something that can ever be measured. That was 14 years ago. My boys are now 24 and 21, but in various ways we all grieve the loss of the family.

That is why I am so very determined to ride this MLC out with my current H. I don't think anything will ever hurt me as badly as my 1st D, and so I keep reminding myself that I can do things differently this time. I know that all of my cheerleaders will help!

[TwinDad]

Hope1,

I am not a therapist but everything I read seems to point to a MLC. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, she just says the same thing ILYBIANILWY and I don't trust and respect you. She acuses me of stashing money away and having an affair. I have even offered to pay for a financial background check to be done on me and to have a PI investigate me, to set these fears at ease. I figure it might not change her mind about what she does but at least she couldn't point to those reasons.

It is very frustrating and hurtful. I like you am home alone. I was supposed to spend it with the kids but the W had a change of plans. That is ok...I get them tomorrow night for about a week!! It will be the first time in my house. One of the hard things I am having to deal with, is all of my friends were pretty much her friends that became our friends. They don't support the separation and possible divorce, but I basically have to find a whole new group of friends.

This whole thing just sucks.

[TwinDad]

Hope1,

Sorry I missed something. The toughest part is the kids being so young. It really breaks my heart. We actually had to go through invitro to be blessed with them in the first place. I am not one to believe that kids should be the only reason to stay together but they should be enough of a reason to leave no stone unturned or option tried. We have had some issues, but is not something that one gets a divorce over. That is one reason why I feel this is a MLC

[1hope]

Twin,
You could be right. Especially if your wife went thru quite a bit to have the babies. I remember when my kids were entering preschool and I was early-mid 30's. I had a stressful but successful career and was not real impressed with my husband at that point. I remember looking around thinking, is this ALL there is? I probably could have started into a MLC but he went into high gear with his own. I hung on for about 6 years, but it got to the point were it was doing serious damage to the kids and I. My mother finally said "you can't fix this, and there won't be anything left of you for the kids if you don't get out". No one in my family had been divorced before. We had been married 18 years, and had been together all of my adult life. In some ways I still grieve that R. Always will.

I agree that you should leave no stone unturned. I don't believe in D. I hate that our society makes it so acceptable and easy. I was so very glad to find the DB book and discover others that feel the same way.

Hope that your weekend went well. I had some ups and downs. H and I worked on a couple of projects together, and had fun. One minute he is planning for our future, and the next he is asking if I can make it alright on my own. Since finding this site and putting the DB practices into action his ups and downs are not shaking me quite so badly. Also I have begun to recognize when he is trying to pick a fight with me, and I walk away and find something to do outside. Let me tell you, my flowers and gardens have not looked so good in years! 