Been here for months - time to tell my story

[mulesqb]

Puppy - I know you're probably right. How would you handle it?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy - I know you're probably right. How would you handle it?

I would get me us a place to live, even if a crummy apartment or crashing with my parents was the only thing I could swing, and then I'd tell her that I loved her, and that I wanted us to work on our marriage, but that the OM (and even his wife, but for different reasons) were a threat to our marriage (and I would give just a couple of examples why). And that I was no longer willing to let ANYTHING threaten my marriage, and if it took 9 months to sell the house, and living in a crappy apartment or with my parents in the meantime was what I had to do, I was willing to do it to "fight for US," and I would apologize for not fighting for her previously.

Then I would give her a strong, long hug, I would be the one to break it off, and I would invite her to join me, but I wouldn't wait for her answer. "I'll be moving there two weeks from Saturday; I hope you'll join me. I'd like nothing more than for us to grow old together."

And then I wouldn't bring it up again -- I'd just DO it.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh, and I'd list the house for sale within 24 hours.

[mulesqb]

Puppy - WOW - I have to let that one sink in for a bit. I guess the confusion I am having is that I thought I was supposed to not pursue her at all. Just work on myself, do my 180s, act as if, try something different...etc. That seemed to be working as she was the one who called me and said she wanted to recommit to the marriage and then joined me in counseling.

The approach you suggest seems to be a very strong move to pursue her again. In the very beginning (back in Feb) I fought hard for her and it seemed to drive a wedge and make things worse.

I have just been trying to be self confident and get back to being me. I'm very confused. - But don't misunderstand - I see your point and it is well taken.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Let's see what others think. You asked what I would do; that's what I would do. That's just me.

I don't think it's pursuing, I think it's LEADING. (You say "This is where I am going; I hope you'll join me." But you don't wait for her, you don't beg her, plead with her, or threaten her.)

It also calls her bluff geographically; did she come back just to be close to OM next door, and the lifestyle you have to offer? Get a crappy apartment 40 minutes away, and see if she joins you.

[iamlost]

If you ever saw him in person you would probably laugh at me for ever being threatened by him in the first place.

No, I wouldn't. I know someone exactly like him, obnoxious to the point of shocking. People aren't laughing with the guy I know, they're grimacing at him in fear.

To give you a little sense of his humor - at his BBQ on Sunday he was trying to get my son to pull his finger in front of all his guests. Finally, my son (who doesn't like him at all) pulled his finger to get him away. He tried to break wind and ended up having to change his pants. His friends and cousins all laughed and thought it was hysterical.

We're on a see-saw Mules, and I'm hating this guy enough so you don't have to! See this is why it's "alpha dog" not alpha dog. There's nothing actually funny about this guy at all, it's about provoking fear. His "fan club" is mostly just worried he will single them out, too, and then schadenfruede when he gets what's coming to him (self-inflicted).

I would stop going over there at all, if your wife really wants to hang out with them, have them over to your place, with your friends. People that act like that are usually cut off at the knees when they aren't in their own territory.

Anyway, I feel like I'm on my way, but maybe I should address it with her tonight so there are no more situations.

How are you planning to address it?

What do you think about me holding her at night?

From what you wrote about her reaction, I would try to figure out what she needs from you in order to really desire your affection first, and let her make the first move. Maybe think about when she would initiate contact in the past--what were you doing at the time that made her want to?

[Phoenixdeux]

mules,

I'm not exactly sure what to suggest. I really don't have quite the feel for where you are. It seems to me that she's saying and doing things that indicate she's trying. I'd personally do a little bit of pursuing, and that may be up to and including holding her, if she'll let you (I wouldn't ask, I'd just see how it goes...if poorly, then you have your answer).

As far as neighbors are concerned. I do see them as a threat, but I'm not quite on board with you doing the moving. I think you should have the talk about how you really feel these guys are problems and are not in the best interest of your marriage, plus, OM seems to still be pursuing and you are not okay with that. If she's interested in living together and working on the marriage, you feel that the neighbors need to take a backseat to that and not be part of your lives. I would draw the line in the sand. She should understand why, and if she's not good with it, I think it kind of speaks to where her priorities are. If she's unwilling to give up people that don't have the best interest of your marriage at heart (and from what you said I believe they don't...and I don't think an hour talk is "having nothing to do with her"), I would suggest that she move out again. I wouldn't be the one to leave.

That being said, if you have the MC in a couple days you could bring it up there. I'm sure you'd get support from MC. If she can't cool it with the friends, I'd lay down the groundrules. It isn't caveman stuff, it is setting a boundary on what you are willing to accept. Are you prepared to back that up?

[iamlost]

Let's see what others think.

OK, I'm new, so take this with a grain of salt. My only claim is that I've been in this exact situation before: before I was married, when I was with my ex-boyfriend, I'm ashamed to admit that I had an EA/kissed a friend of both of ours.

My boyfriend chose to react by making better friends with the OM, and was rather tough on me, instead of the reverse (which is more typical, I think). I stayed with my boyfriend, but the OM continued to dominate when we were in social situations, so the OM stayed in my brain for a long time, although we had little contact (he did not want me unless I chose to be with him).

However, if my B had forbade me to see the OM, I likely would have rebelled and gone to OM outright. If he hadn't made better friends with the OM, the OM would have pursued me harder (he's told me that, their friendship became a "pledge").

I think the only mistake my B made was to let the OM treat me poorly and dominate in social situations (see how parallel this is? I didn't even realize how parallel until I started typing it out, maybe that's why I was drawn to your thread.) My B just needed more confidence, that's all. When he was confident and slightly tough with me, I felt more drawn to him.

My advice is be a confident, strong man who defends your family without being a cave man, and it won't matter if you see your obnoxious neighbor every day. Don't let that man single out your son or wife ever again. If he asks your son to pull his finger, with a smile and twinkle in your eye say something like, "Hey Joe, I don't want my son's hands contaminated by your finger! Come on over here, S." If he starts teasing your wife, go over to her and put your arms around her and say something like, with a smile, "Hey Joe, stop bothering my wife. Come on, honey, after that I think you need a drink." Or whatever, you get the idea.

[mulesqb]

Lost - You are so right. The last time we invited them over with our friends, his wife came but he didn't show. He would have looked like a fool because he just can't help himself. Thanks for hating him for me - for my kids sake I am trying to get rid of any hate I have inside me. I am worried about them right now.

I'm not sure about addressing it yet. She gave me such an upbeat phone call today here at work. It seems like she really wants to talk to me about her job tonight. She wants to quit (I think she should - so she can find something she really likes). She sounded like she can't wait for me to get home.

Thanks for the advice about nighttime. She used to initiate contact as soon as she got in bed. We were just so close, she used to say that she needed to hold me to fall asleep - seems like a decade ago!

Anyway - just read your thread - how are you? Did the weekend go ok?

[mulesqb]

Phoenix - I think she is trying but still a little lost personally about what she wants to do with her life and what is actually fun. I think moving is like running away. My attitude is that I am right here and if you chose him your getting out of my house. Don't get me wrong - I am not the type to just sit back - I bust his balls a lot. I just do it in a classier way. I will feel it out tonight and if the opportunity presents itself, I will talk to her about it.