Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[Virtually_Handsome]

No 2x4 from me. You made a reasonable, no pressure offer. The only problem was that you were disappointed when he turned it down!

[One Day]

Or from me, mishka. I hope you're feeling better today?

Love the sound of some extra smoking going on for me! It's raining here today, cats and dogs, so I'll be thinking of you grilling in the sun!

(((hugs)))

L.xx

[Jeanette1120]

Goodmorning Mishka!!

That was nowhere near a backslide! More like a slip on a peblle.

Think about it, you said to let you know when they are almost there so you can get dinner....he did, like any normal person with MANNERS you invited him.

No Big Deal !

It only shows that you, my dear....have manners!

"Scoot"?? "SCOOT"????

I have not heard that terminolgy in quite some time. Ha!

Enjoy your cook-out!!

Gotta scoot now...Mass is at 9:15

Hugs,

Jeanette

[mishka422]

Thanks all! I do feel better today. I'm getting dressed for church and grabbing my coffe to go!

I didn't feel like I actually backslid, like Jeanette said it was more of just a slip. No big deal. I don't feel like I pushed or anything. I just shouldn't have done it because I knew in my heart that he would turn down the invitation so why did I set myself up for that? Force of habit I think.

No more. Not going to do that to myself. I have to go back to being more mysterious and aloof. It seems to protect my fragile emotions and keeps him guessing. I like it that way....I feel more in control of myself when he doesn't know exactly what I'm doing.

C-y'all later!

[mishka422]

OK, I really messed myself up tonight. H has no clue but I do.

H took S fishing this afternoon and they were gone for about 3 hours. When they came back H asked me if it would be ok for him to take S to dinner. I told him that was fine. After they left again I made myself a drink and sat down to watch a little TV. When I finished my drink I was trying to figure out why it hit me so hard and fast and realized I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and that had been about 9 hours earlier. So, instead of going and getting something in my stomach, what did I do? I went outside, lit the grill, put on some music, grabbed a beer and sat on my porch. Finished that one, grabbed another one....and another. I am NOT a drinker. Usually 1-2 drinks and I'm DONE and tipsy. 4 in the span of an hour and a half was NOT good. H got back from dinner and I was still sitting on the porch and pretty darned buzzed.

H saw my eyes and knew I was a little out of it. He came and sat on the porch with me and made chit chat. I didn't talk much but laughed at what he was telling me and made nice. It was KILLING me! I just wanted so badly to scream at him, "WAKE UP! CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO OUR FAMILY? TO ME?"

It didn't come out of my mouth. I'm amazed I held it together in the inebriated state I was in but I did. I got up to go turn the meat on the grill and H followed me. We stood in the driveway talking for a few more minutes and then he said he had to go. I wanted to grab him right there in the middle of the driveway! That would have been a 180 but probably one he wouldn't like since he has no feelings for me anymore.

H left and I kept my cool, went inside and about 10 minutes later I got a text from H saying, "It was nice chatting with you. U lush! LOL!" I responded because I couldn't seem to stop myself, "Really nice. You should have joined me." He said, "Maybe another time. Have a good night." I watched a movie with S and my mom and then went to take a shower where I promptly lost control. I started sobbing in the shower and couldn't stop. It was just terrible.

I've pulled myself back together for now but the thoughts are still running through my head that I should NOT see him again. Every time I see him and we chat like we used to it opens the wounds in my heart again which I have to hide from everyone until I can be alone and crumble. It happens every time and it makes me very tired. What should I do? My heart wants to see him and talk with him to keep the lines of communication open even though it's killing me. My head tells me to not have any contact with him outside of things re: our son. I just don't know what to do. HELP!!!

[Grace_O]

mishka,

If you think that not seeing him would help you to rein in your emotions, then do it. I rarely see my H these days (actually saw him yesterday for a few minutes and today for a bit as he was at our house with D13 when I got home with D16) and I implemented that b/c I was having such a hard time emotionally. If you go dark and it doesn't produce the results you'd like you can always change things again.

Give yourself some credit for how good you did esp in his presence with a few drinks in you. Ok, so you cried later.....in from of him you did good.

HUGS

[angelica]

Mishka - Bworl posted a very wise post on TOH thread [about two posts back on her thread] about doing what is right FOR YOU in all this mess.

On the positive side you did something different. You had a few beers, and were a bit flirty. Good. You survived, and dealt with an interaction in a positive way. Good. It broke you up, but you didn't show it. Good.

You hurt, not so good [for you]. I undertand, We are all torn between wanting to see the loved one, and being hurt by the changes in them. Do what is right for you, remembering that he is NOT himself right now, and will not be for quite some time.

Your personal sitch is hard I know, and that drags you down. But perhaps these interactions are best avoided? This MLC stuff may go on for a while, and if the interactions are reduced you will expost yourself to less pain Do not worry about your h 'forgetting' you. I posted about convos with two older men who spoke of their abiding love for wives who had left them 20+ years ago. He is out of it now, but will not be for ever, but in the meantime you have to go on living, hard as it is. For youerself, for your son and your mother. There were many tmes when I wanted to die of grief, but gradually it gets better, and now I am truly grateful for life, even though my h is as far away and madder than ever. And he is a real spewer. The thought of a civil text from him, let alone a kindly one, makes my head spin.

Hugs, A

[KPK]

Hi Mishka,

I completely understand how you feel. When I'm away from H, I miss him terribly but it's not that gut wrenching pain (usually) that it use to be. But, when I see him, it's like getting punched in the stomach, and I often end up crying after he leaves. And I don't know which is worse- when he chats nicely, like it use to be, or when he acts like an ass and is nasty; either way it feels horrible. I think this is just par for the course, and you did great- you held it together while he was there. AWESOME!!! I can usually hold it together, but I have a terrible poker face, and he always asks what's wrong; I usually just say I'm tired. I've tried some new coping mechanisms- yoga (DVDs), meditation (guided on a CD) (still hard for me to keep my mind still), and my Kendo. I'm a bit of a mess this weekend though because H has had the kids since Sat.; they'll be home today, but he took them into Boston to ride the swan boats, and they've never done that without me, so I ended up crying all last night thinking about what use to be. So, took some nightime cold medicine (I do have a cold) which knocked me out and I actually slept. Feeling better today.

The advice Momof2Girls gave me was really helpful- if he's going to divorce you, he will, and nothing you can do will change his mind. Do what makes you happy, let him miss you, and be still. Of course I'm having a hard time being still , but I'm trying. I'm still trying to let go of my future dreams that have been crushed, and I think eventually we will both be able to do it. Then, when they come crawling back to us, begging to come home, we can tell them to take a hike!

You have a lot on your plate, with your S and your mom; you should pat yourself on the back- you're doing GREAT. You are so strong- just remember that.

On my thread you asked about ideas for hobbies that didn't cost anything, where you could meet people. I posted there but don't know if you read it, so here it is again:

"As for hobbies that involve meeting people but don't take money-what about a book club? If not at a local bookstore, maybe a library, so you can borrow the books instead of buying? Around here I've seen both reading groups and writing groups advertised for free, if those types of things interest you. What about walking or running "clubs"? Also, have you looked at Parents without Partners? I know they are national, and they have local chapters and many different events, both for parents and children, and for just parents alone. I've looked at their website, but haven't joined."

((((mishka))))

Kelly

[mishka422]

Kelly,

Thank you for the suggestions. I hadn't thought of parents without partners. I hadn't even heard of it in years. Of course, I feel like a fraud just about everywhere right now that involves "single" people. I'm not single, don't plan on being single (at least in a legal sense), and can't go masquerading as a single person. It's so strange. It's like I'm living a half life.

There is a running club here in town but they are WAY serious!!! I don't run at all, barely walk quickly, and they are all marathoners. There are a few book clubs but I don't like someone else to tell me what to read so I've had a hard time with those. I used to belong to one but it was just too tough for me. I did talk to some friends about arranging a monthly game night. I really think it would be a hoot.

On another note, H and I have been having late night text conversations while he's at work. Nothing too flirty, just chatting, until tonight that is.

I'll admit it, I sent him a text first, just asking him if it was busy tonight. He told me he had taken the night off because he had a bad headache (totally NOT like him). The conversation ensued from there but it turned a little flirty and then the subject of dreams came up. I told him I dream of him quite often and he said they were probably all bad ones. I told him some were bad but most were VERY VERY good. He said he was flattered and I told him not to get a big head about it. It was all pretty humiliating.

It's a pretty humiliating thing to dream about someone nearly every night and have them in your every waking thought all day, every day, even though you know they don't want you anymore and probably never will. It's completely moronic! I've got to find a better way to thought block. The darned stop sign is just not working. My brain runs right through it. I should have thousands of tickets wracked up for all the times I've pretty much mowed the darned sign down.

[Grace_O]

Mishka,

If you don't tell anyone about the dreams are they still humiliating? I find I do much better if I limit what I say to whom and about what. I allow myself to be guided by my own internal signals and things just seem to go smoother. That isn't to say I'm always right, but I'd forgotten just how good my instincts were.

Gaming night sounds good or starting your own walking club or whatever club tickles your fancy.