Mishka's- new thread/new tude - H who?

[MichelleLT]

TGIF!!!!

And the bike sounds AWESOME! It will come back eventually lol.

[mishka422]

No major developments. Just strangeness all the way around!

Had a spa pedicure today and a haircut. I feel much better.

H has been texting me fun, flirty things lately. Nothing personal, just nice. He sent me a text about 30 minutes ago asking how my pedi was and I told him I had extra sexy toes now. He asked me what me and my sexy toes were doing and I told him we were just wiggling here and wishing we had some company. He just laughed about that one. I took a picture of them and texted them to him. He loved that. Said they looked good. I swear, if I didn't know him better I'd swear he had a foot fetish.

It's really late and I need to go to sleep so I can get up early for church but my mind is whirling. I went for the pedi with one of my friends from work. She has been married for 24 years and her husband treats her like the queen of sheba. She asked my why I didn't just get D and get on with my life since H obviously doesn't want our M anymore. I told her that it may seem obvious but it really isn't that simple. She can't grasp that at all. I was trying to explain to her the feeling of loneliness that being separated creates. I told her that it's a very odd feeling to be in a room full of people and feel lonely. Being alone and being lonely are two totally different things. She didn't understand that at all either. I finally said that being lonely stems from not having an emotional connection with anyone. Feeling like you are emotionally cut off from the world and there is no one who understands you like a mate does. She seemed to understand that description of loneliness more.

I know you fine people know exactly what I'm talking about. That darkness in your heart that exists in the hole that was left by your spouse. That kind of searing loneliness. I have a very large extended family who are all very close and friends who are here for me but it's just not the same. They aren't my soulmates. They love me but they don't LOVE me. I guess that's what I miss most. Just knowing that someone loves me passionately, deeply and intimately.

You are all so wonderful. Look what our spouses are missing out on. We're growing more now through these trials and they are missing the experience. Hopefully they will figure that out and decide to come back and reap the benefits of our hard work.

Ya'll have a good night!

[mishka422]

Well, another day passes and it was ok until I had too much downtime.

After church S13 and I went to Target and spent WAY too much time and money! I let him play PS3 in the games section for a while since he apparently doesn't get enough of video games at home!

I knew that H was off work today because they switched his shifts around since the day shift is short staffed right now. It meant that he was off Fri, Sat and Sunday. You would think that in that length of time he would have wanted to spend time with his son. Apparently not. He came by Friday evening impromptu to take S13 to get two new gameboy games. That's it, went to the game store and brought him home. He was with him for less than and hour. Saturday he came to his karate class. I told him I wanted to check to see if he was tall enough yet for the next size bike and asked him if he wanted to come with us to Wal-Mart. He said he could and then I told him I was looking at buying a bike too. He came with us and he did give me some good advice on the bike I was looking at.

When I got to thinking about how little of his time he gives his son I got so angry. He claims to want to spend time with him but he won't commit to time even when he has it.

I had enough of that today. While we were at Target S13 sent H a text. H finally responded to him about an hour later with just one word. What? That was it. No calling him, no longer answers. That was it. What? S13 sent another text to him (I have no idea what it was that he was saying to him but it was bothering him that he wasn't talking to him). We got home and I was talking to my son and he got another text from H and basically told me to be quiet and walked away from me while I was talking. He was so excited to have communication from his dad that he totally blew me off. I could have melted into a puddle right in front of him and it wouldn't have mattered. His dad texted him so the world had to stand still. WTH????? That ticked me off. I talked to my son after that about how he feels about our situation. He said he doesn't like not every knowing when he might see his dad.

That did it! I calmed down a while and then called H. Got his VM. Left message telling him we needed to talk about a couple of things. He called me back about 30 minutes later. Told me he had been at Target (hmmm....I know it's a different one but how strange) and asked what was up. I told him that I knew I had asked this before but he had never given me any answers and I really needed to get some things arranged regarding his time with our son. I told him I needed a schedule of when he wanted to spend time with him so I could make plans for myself. I told him that it wasn't fair of him to just drop in whenever he felt like it and S13 feels he needs to cancel any plans he might have because he doesn't know when he might get the chance to be with his dad again. H said it would be a lot easier if S13 could spend the night with him. I told him again that was NOT going to happen with his living situation. He doesn't understand that at all. Excuse me? You are living with your adultery partner and you think that is an acceptable example to set for your son who has enough trouble distiguishing right from wrong. SICK! He didn't argue with me about it but still doesn't get it. WHATEVER! He told me he would think about it and let me know. I told him it was not going to be 3 weeks from now that he did this, it's going to be this week. He promised he would let me know this week.

I just feel like he has too much control over my life still even though he's not here. I can't make plans for my son and I because of him. He doesn't check with me before he drops in on our son. He just calls S13 and tells him he's coming over to take him somewhere. What is up with that? It makes me so mad.

I really feel at odds about everything right now. Can you tell? I love my H but I DON'T like this person he has become.

Did I mention that when I was getting my hair cut yesterday the stylist asked me why I had a couple of sores on my scalp and a rather large balding spot near my crown. She asked if I tended to scratch at my head when I'm stressed. I told her I do it in my sleep and I wake up with handfulls of hair because I've had a lot of stress over the last several months. She sensed what it was and asked if it was a divorce. I told her it was but now it's hanging in limbo. She then started to tell me that she had another client who came in and she could tell something wasn't right. She has 4 girls and her husband walked out on them and isn't giving them any money at all and she is losing the house. She said that he is a cop. I said it must be a contagion throughout law enforcement since my H is a cop too. She asked me if he was in our county. I told her yes, he was in the city PD. She said this woman's husband is with the same city PD. She said, "Oh my gosh! You must be her!" I asked her what she meant. She said, "She was saying that another officer had left his wife and kid and was talking it up to this woman's H telling him how great it was to be away from having to do all the day to day stuff and not having to tell anyone where he's going, what he's doing, and not having to take care of the kid all the time." The more she told me about this woman and her family and what she had told the stylist the more I knew she was talking about my H and I know exactly who this woman's H is. My H almost moved in with him when he left his W but stayed with his whore instead.

It's a darned epidemic! These men are such irresponsible morons! Give them a gun and a badge and they end up with a God complex. I swear, my H isn't having a midlife crisis, he's just decided that he's God's gift to earth and the rest of us are worthless scum.

Ok......mad about that too!

Thanks for letting me vent. If you've made it this far....I'm sorry you were subjected to this!

I'm going to go to bed and hope for a MUCH better tomorrow.

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Mishka))))))

To a better tomorrow!

[mishka422]

Thanks Jeff. I appreciate it!

[MichelleLT]

The D rate in law enforcement and the military tends to run high. I think there's too much damn testosterone combined with too much stress and forced separation because of work.

At any rate...(((mishka)))