Hey Phoenix - Thanks for the encouragement. I didn't feel bad for long especially after reading your post! Unbelievable that I can even be thinking that way right now. He didn't try to talk to my wife at all about it. She was standing right next to me when we got home and he asked me to come over. She came over about 20 minutes later and did behave herself, but he stopped talking about his wife and started talking about his pool.
I'm not 100% on board with my wife's response either but it is out in the open now and I can revisit. And now she knows how I feel about it.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Thanks Faith - All good points. Will definitely look into the books. I have been doing a lot of listening - I just get uncomfortable with the awkward silence. I should probably leave when that occurs.
I really am feeling strong. It took a looong time though. I know she notices that. I can honestly say that i am back. The separation actually helped me with that.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
PDT - Thanks - I love how you get right to the point! She called it an emotional attachment. I called it an EA - six or 1/2 dozen - what do you think?
When she is able to look me in the face and talk to me - I trust her. She couldn't do that earlier on when she was going through EA. But obviously I am not completely trusting her yet. That's why there is still strangeness.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Wow - I would have never realized I was doing this - thanks again! Can't argue a word you said. I will work on changing immediately. She did make a big point in MC that I am always there for her and always believe in her. Is that a bad thing?? Sounds like I'm ripe to be a doormat after reading your post. Man this is hard to figure out???
And yes, she most definitely sees the children as a burden right now. Quite frankly her treatment of them has led to their treatment of her. How do we rectify???
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
PDT - Thanks - I love how you get right to the point! She called it an emotional attachment. I called it an EA - six or 1/2 dozen - what do you think?
When she is able to look me in the face and talk to me - I trust her. She couldn't do that earlier on when she was going through EA. But obviously I am not completely trusting her yet. That's why there is still strangeness.
Mules,
All ANY of us on message boards can go by is what you tell us. this is how you came to us:
Quote:
Fast forward to New Year's Eve. I had started to notice a change in my wife. She was extremely irritable and had started to behave differently, losing weight, spending a lot of time in front of the mirror, flirting with friends...etc. She completely stopped attending the boys basketball games and started to act differently towards me. She started to hang with our new neighbors next door, who have a terrible marriage and started flirting with the husband regularly. She also cut off her family from her life and told me she was going to leave her job at the parish and that she wasn't happy. We go out New Year's Eve and she flirts constantly with the neighbor next door. I became very angry and told her so. Life continued like this for a few weeks until 2/05/08 when I got the ILYBINILWY speech. Obviously I was crushed. We started to work on things. I would get better, then worse, then better then worse. I finally found out she was having an EA with my [censored] neighbor. I confronted her and told her it was to stop right away or i was going to leave her and take the kids with me. She put an end to it, but was very emotional about it for weeks.
Not only did YOU classify it as an "EA" (which normally means "Emotional Affair", not "emotional attachment"), but the entire timeline of her behavior is CLASSIC affair script. The "ILYBINILWN"; the pushing away of her parenting responsibilities; the flirting; the MLC behavior, etc.
I'm not sure how much you've read about emotional affairs ("NOT Just Friends," by Glass, is considered the authoritative book), but -- for women -- EAs are often much HARDER to break off than physical affairs, especially if they've become emotionally enmeshed over time.
Look, either your wife merely had some one-sided, unrequited flirting with your neighbor, or they had a mutual EA or even EA/PA. I think all of the advice you've been given on here (at least I know mine has) has come from the assumption that she's at LEAST had an EA with this man. We get that from what you told us, as well as your descriptions of your wife's intereactions with your neighbor.
If that assessment is WRONG, then most of the advice you've been given is pretty much out the window.
Bill - At times I do feel like going after him. But he does pretty much tell me everything. So I don't want to lose that right now. When we were separated - my W called his W and he filled me in on the entire conversation. When we moved back in last week, my W told me she talked to the neighbor's W while she was at her aunt's/ It kind of validated that he can be helpful at times. I just think he's so stupid, he doesn't realize what his actions are doing. I probably need to talk to him about it again.
The job was a new job - she had stuck it out for a month. So I understand why that was bothering. Why the kids bother her so much is the $64k question. She says that she wants to have time to herself with no responsibilities and not have to answer about it. She views the kids as the obstruction. The neighbors have no kids and can do whatever they want, whenever they want, she seems jealous of that. That bothers me more than anything. We talked for many years about having a family and what we wanted and how many. We stuck to that plan - but now she doesn't seem to like it. I really think she is in MLC and when she comes out of it, she will be distraught over what she has done. But I guess I could be wrong - who knows???
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Wow - I would have never realized I was doing this - thanks again! Can't argue a word you said. I will work on changing immediately. She did make a big point in MC that I am always there for her and always believe in her. Is that a bad thing?? Sounds like I'm ripe to be a doormat after reading your post. Man this is hard to figure out???
And yes, she most definitely sees the children as a burden right now. Quite frankly her treatment of them has led to their treatment of her. How do we rectify???
Mules,
It's my strong belief that your wife's feelings about being a wife and mother right now are almost entirely being driven by her inappropriate feelings about -- and her contact with -- your male neighbor. How you rectify that, I think you'll see if you read back mine and bworl's posts to you (and others') is pretty clear.
Whether or not you FOLLOW that advice, however, is of course up to you.
Bill - At times I do feel like going after him. But he does pretty much tell me everything. So I don't want to lose that right now. When we were separated - my W called his W and he filled me in on the entire conversation. When we moved back in last week, my W told me she talked to the neighbor's W while she was at her aunt's/ It kind of validated that he can be helpful at times. I just think he's so stupid, he doesn't realize what his actions are doing. I probably need to talk to him about it again.
Mules,
Why do you presume to know that he tells you everything, and not just "everything HE wants you to know/believe"?
As for "I probably need to talk to him about it again," unless it's to tell him to please leave you and your wife COMPLETELY alone, to work on your marriage, I don't see any point. I don't know how else we can get thru to you here -- EVERYONE has been telling you, THIS MAN IS NOT A FRIEND OF YOUR MARRIAGE.
