Funny...this afternoon I wrote the reply about the OM and tonite when she came home we had dinner and a glass of wine. So this post is a little out of order.
She actually brought up the subject of not getting my hopes up. Something I have not heard in weeks.
We were talking about tax refunds, and the other "tax bonus" coming to everyone and what we should do with the money.
She said it was "our money" and that if we put it into the house, it would be for her benefit and not mine....something she was not comfortable with, since the plan all along has been for me to leave, eventually.
After all the good times the last few weeks, that was kind of a blow....and turned, unfortunately into a talk about the relationship and "getting my hopes up".
I think I handled it quite well though, and stuck to my guns.
I have told her all along that I would stay around as long as she let me. I would get us through this as amicably as possible and get things squared away so that she is OK, with the house and money.
After all, everything right now, and for a long time to come, is "ours". It will be a while until we get to the mine and yours, regardless of how long this all takes.
We both got a little emotional and hugged and cried. That has not happened since this all started.
So, I guess now I am finally realizing how much this can really hurt, and how confusing it can really be, and why the title of my post is "I wish I could read her mind".
How does she go all these weeks with no mention of our relationship?
How can we spend so much time together and have such good times and still not give me just a glimmer of hope??
How does she make love to me, kiss me, hold me and fall asleep in my arms, and wake up the next morning feeling bad because she thinks she is getting my hopes up???
I pray that in her her heart she is confused, and not 100% sure as she has said.
I keep telling myself that if it is going to come back, it will take time. That she will not tell me if she is feeling differently, RIGHT???
One step forward, two steps back is what it felt like today. It has only been a month and after tonite, I just can't imagine going thru this for months and months. I don't know if I have it in me.
She won't tell you the times she wavers from her "100%" -- a little bit because that would get your hopes up, and a little bit of " then I have to get the guts up to tell him again" or "after all of this I can't believe I could have really made a mistake!" You are right. She won't tell you if she is feeling differently yet.
You can't really take personally anything she says right now. But, you do need to listen reflectively from a "scientific, detached, kind of view point. You can learn from that. You want to be able to do that.
Also, you need to validate, even within yourself, that what she is saying right now, she really believes. She put a lot of thought into it. It's a (grimms)fairy tale, but she believes it right now.
Like the day you learned there was no Santa Claus (or in my little brother's case, no tooth fairy), it will hurt when reality and the fairy tale collide.
You have a long way to go. I won't lie, you're on the toughest journey of your life. However, you do have it in you. Make it your best moment.
Don't worry about "months and months". Do what you need to today. You always have options, now you're working on more choices.
Maybe for the last few weeks, but during our 19y together, I have come to realize that I really treated her like crap.
She deserves better and SHOULD have been treated like a princess. There was nothing, and I mean nothing, she did in our marriage that made me do and say the things that I did.
I took advantage of her good nature, her kindness and she put up with it for a long time.
I have always told friends, family, coworkers, anyone that would listen, that she is one of the few truly good hearted people I have ever met in my life. I do not believe I ever told her that, though.
She is a princess and if I lose her, I will have no one to blame but myself...simple.
That is second time some one has told me to "validate".
Do you mean not to dismiss what she is saying, or to try to tell her what she is really feeling? Accept what she is telling me as fact?
If so, than I believe I have been doing a pretty good job at that, at least.
PS....it's 10PM, I am going to jump in the shower so when she gets home we can go out to shoot some pool and have a beer.... She's confused??? My head is spinning.
Thanks guys for throwing in your 2 cents. I really have no one else to talk to.
So..the "out for a quick beer and a game of pool" turned into just about an all nighter.
We drank and laughed and played video games...she gave me unsolicited kisses and hugs...she talked a little about how much fun we used to have, and how she felt when we stopped doing the things she liked to do.
I offered no excuses for the way things had become (because I have none), or reason for the sudden change, other than I need to be happy as much as she does, no matter how this all ends.
When we got home we had a late night snack and fell asleep in each other's arms.
This after the earlier that day talk about her not wanting to get my hopes up???
I told her I knew what I had become and understood completely what she must have felt and is feeling right now. I did not let us dwell on it.
I let her kick my butt in pool and video trivia, which she bragged about this morning as we were getting ready for work.
Another blast of a night....with the woman who says she wants to end our marriage.....I gotta laugh about.
sgctxok, no worries...as i said in my post, it falls on deaf ears. i may have been blind to her pain over the years, but i know she would not hurt me in that way. she just does not have it in her.
she is good person. it is not in her soul to do it, no matter how she has felt.
Any women care to tell me if they wanted to be away from there husband like she does...would you still be hopping in bed every chance you got...
If she wants out of the marriage so badly, why is she dragging her feet.
K, after reading your sitch, my take is that the "don't get your hopes up" is her fear that if she allows you to get your hopes up, you will transform back into the critical guy that you were. I think you just need to keep it up and show her that your changes are real and be patient. Like you said, "I know one month will not make up for all those years."
Since you do seem impatient and slightly frustrated with her ("don't get my hopes up BS") I think considering a little bit now how to make them sustainable and not backtrack is a good idea, too. You questioned if you could, and I wonder if you've thought about: What will you do when you get to the point of piecing your marriage back together and conflict arises?
I've been trying to learn about this myself--I've been reading about "healthy complaining" as an alternative to criticism in 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. They define healthy complaints as expressing your needs in a way that is clear and respectful and without blame. These are examples on pages 26 & 27:
Share responsibility for the problem (let's fix this together vs. it's your fault)
Describe the problem in terms of your opinion, perception or style (I feel..., I think...vs. describing the problem as an absolute truth)
Focus only on one specific problem at a time
Focus on the present (vs. bringing up the past)
Focus on partner's actions and how those actions made you feel (vs. criticizing your partner's personality or character)
Pick a time to bring it up when your partner is able to listen and respond (vs. when they are distracted or stressed)
Tell partner about your needs and desires (vs. becoming resentful)
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
