BTW, communicating YOUR needs and desires to her right now is persuing, right more experienced DBers? So I just wanted to make it clear that these are my suggestions to keep non-criticism changes sustainable for the long-term when you guys are back on more solid ground.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
iamlost, Patience was never my strong suit and when I wrote that post I was feeling a little hurt, as I said back there.....before we came over to my original thread.
I just want my life back. I want to be able to plan for the future..to tell my wife how sorry I am and how much I truly love her. I want her to tell me she loves me and understands that we can make it work. I want this terrible empty feeling in my gut to go away.
The road back, when I get that chance, will be a long one I am sure, with no guarantees. For 2 months now I have replayed the things I said and did in my head over and over. Something has clicked in my brain. The things that I thought were no big deal...just comments, just words....make me cringe when I think of them.
The thought of being like that to her again makes me sick to my stomach. I only hope she can forgive and give me the opportunity to be a better person, with her at my side.
I understand the process at this point....do not pursue, period. Trust me, my needs and desires are the last thing on my mind right now, regardless of how these posts come out. I say "I" and "me" and "my", but I want "ours" and "us" and "we".....
Have to stop....I am crying at work and ready to go home....not good.
I want to tell my wife how sorry I am and how much I truly love her.
The things that I thought were no big deal...just comments, just words....make me cringe when I think of them.
You're doing better than telling her how sorry you are, you're showing her.
I get caught up in massive guilt for the things I did to mess up my marriage, too. I know how you feel, it's gut-wrenching to admit to yourself that you hurt someone you love. But have empathy for yourself, too. You were hurting, so you hurt. Everyone makes mistakes. Too much self-recrimination can set you back on the path to hurting inside and lashing out.
Even from your posts I can tell you are a funny, caring, kind man. THAT'S the real you, not that critical guy. Just keep embracing the real you, and love that person.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Sorry to butt in. Left you a response over there...my take on the bungee effect. Should make you feel a bit better. Regarding the above...no sweat. You're allowed to vent. iamlost is pretty intuitive. Good advice!
Anyway, the above was well put. You're a good man and crying is to be considered therapy. You're ahead of the game. Again, I think if more people took responsibility and worked for change the way you (we all here) do, we just might put a huge f**ing dent in that 50% divorce rate.
Think about it. What do most LBS's do after awhile? They soon get tired, say "F--- you!" and /or go out and get another partner...within months! They often get so hurt that they don't even give the WAS a chance to come back if they want.
As you well know (by my aversion to your beloved quantum physics), I am am NOT a rocket scientist, but it stands to reason why there is such a high D rate in this country. I truly feel that the average LBS simply gives up much too soon. Okay, I'm done. You're doing great, my friend. You're my hero cuz you're getting "frisky" and I'm not!! What's your secret?! Maybe I should stop wearing her clothes?
Me: 46 Second Marriage WAW: 38 First Marriage Separated: Dec. 2007 W Filed for D: Feb. 2008 For more hope, click: http://rejoiceministries.org/
You just told my story, almost to a T. It's very disconcerting to read another persons story and hear so much that is familiar.
First of all, put your mind to rest about any affairs. The poster who posted that is so far off the mark it's not even funny.
You've found some clarity it looks like to me about what your life together has been like. She's an admirable woman and you are damned fortunate that she has stuck it out for all these years. I hope you see, TRULY SEE how hard you have made it for her and your relationship all these years.
You mentioned getting counseling. Do it. Immediately. You don't have to say a word to her, or you can tell her. It's not a merit badge to tell her any way. You NEED to find out why you have allowed your insecurity to be poured out on your family. You need to find the source of that insecurity and put it to rest. Counseling can do that for you, I can speak personally to that. And I was NEVER a counseling person before.
My story ended in divorce. Yours may not have to. But you CANNOT, absolutely CANNOT attempt to convince her with your WORDS that you should not divorce. As I think you realize, you've used up all your good will credit with her. From this point forward, YOUR ACTIONS will be the only thing that will register with her. PERIOD.
This is very hard for me, because I see so much of my experience in your story, and I know how mine turned out. But my ex-wife did not have the heart that yours has.
Ellie shared with you a few points that I think are so incredibly excellent that they should be a MANTRA that you repeat to yourself every single day. These points should drive EVERYTHING you choose to do or not do.
Quote:
- first of all, keep your expectations LOW and your Positive Mental Attitude HIGH. Stay out of R talks. This is your opportunity to show your wife you really can change. She may still move out, she may still divorce you because of her fears that you can't keep up the changes - but if you keep up your changes and are CONSISTENT, she may come back even if she leaves.
- If she asks you about your changes, make it clear that this time you are making the changes for YOU, whether she stays or not.
- Read The Five Love Languages by Chapman. Figure out which are your wife's love languages, and make sure you are "speaking" them to her.
- Figure out WHY you have been so negative and critical. Are you critical of yourself? Did you grow up in a household with a negative critical parent? Get counseling if you need to to deal with this. My H was this way. I know he's 10 times as hard on himself as he is on me. Still, it is soul-destroying to feel that the man you love does not cherish you.
- Think like you are trying to get a wild squirrel to eat out of your hand. No sudden moves, don't scare her. Slowly, carefully, entice her over to you. Validate, validate, validate.
Her last point is incredibly powerful and important.
Your wife has endured too many years of disappointment. You CANNOT at any point become impatient or frustrated with the lack of positive progress.
In fact, count each evening together as a positive progress. That's what you get.
Can you do this?
Can you?
Have you realized for the first time just what you finally have to do for real?
I'll be honest and tell you something I shouldn't right now.
I believe that your actions over the coming months will make your wife's decision for her.
It's in your hands.
Repeat the mantra every day.
No looking back.
DIE to your self. Live for HER. She deserves it.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
How does she go all these weeks with no mention of our relationship?
How can we spend so much time together and have such good times and still not give me just a glimmer of hope??
How does she make love to me, kiss me, hold me and fall asleep in my arms, and wake up the next morning feeling bad because she thinks she is getting my hopes up???
I pray that in her her heart she is confused, and not 100% sure as she has said.
I keep telling myself that if it is going to come back, it will take time. That she will not tell me if she is feeling differently, RIGHT???
You are so spot on right now with your understanding. If you can keep from allowing selfishness to creep in, you will continue to see positive results.
You should expect NOTHING.
She's not changing her mind. That's what she told you. Believe it.
Doesn't matter now though, right?
For the first time in your marriage you are loving her unconditionally, treating her the way she always deserved to be treated.
If this ends in divorce, you will know that, at least for a few months, you showed her the kind of love she deserved and that you really always had inside for her.
Stay in this place.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
She deserves better and SHOULD have been treated like a princess. There was nothing, and I mean nothing, she did in our marriage that made me do and say the things that I did.
I took advantage of her good nature, her kindness and she put up with it for a long time.
I have always told friends, family, coworkers, anyone that would listen, that she is one of the few truly good hearted people I have ever met in my life. I do not believe I ever told her that, though.
She is a princess and if I lose her, I will have no one to blame but myself...simple.
Again, incredibly powerful, moving, and accurate words. You are seeing things her so very well.
She is a princess.
She deserves your best. And now you're finally giving it to her.
This is no longer about you and what you want. This is what I meant by DYING to your self. You are irrelevant. SHE is what matters. Good God, isn't that how ALL of us are SUPPOSED to treat our wives? How many of us would be HERE if we had done this for and to our spouses?
Die to self.
Love her unconditionally.
You have no rights, except to love her with every fiber of your being.
Everything you do, I mean EVERYTHING you do every day is done with thoughts of her and her well being in mind.
Without realizing it, you are slowly but surely becoming the man she thought she married all those years ago.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
She deserves better and SHOULD have been treated like a princess. There was nothing, and I mean nothing, she did in our marriage that made me do and say the things that I did.
I took advantage of her good nature, her kindness and she put up with it for a long time.
I have always told friends, family, coworkers, anyone that would listen, that she is one of the few truly good hearted people I have ever met in my life. I do not believe I ever told her that, though.
She is a princess and if I lose her, I will have no one to blame but myself...simple.
Again, incredibly powerful, moving, and accurate words. You are seeing things her so very well.
She is a princess.
She deserves your best. And now you're finally giving it to her.
This is no longer about you and what you want. This is what I meant by DYING to your self. You are irrelevant. SHE is what matters. Good God, isn't that how ALL of us are SUPPOSED to treat our wives? How many of us would be HERE if we had done this for and to our spouses?
Die to self.
Love her unconditionally.
You have no rights, except to love her with every fiber of your being.
Everything you do, I mean EVERYTHING you do every day is done with thoughts of her and her well being in mind.
Without realizing it, you are slowly but surely becoming the man she thought she married all those years ago.
Blessings,
Bill
Bill,
With all due respect, I could not disagree more. "YOU are irrelevant; SHE is what matters"??? Man, and people say that I am too "anti-DB" sometimes . . .
We ARE commanded to love our wives unconditionally, as they are commanded to respect US unconditionally. But we're not commanded to treat them like princesses, nor is it healthy.
From a woman's perspective, loving me unconditionally would make me feel like a princess.
I came across old letters from my husband--pre-marriage, where he talked about how fortunate he was to have me in his life and how I deserved to be treated like a princess. What happened to that? well, honestly I think I forgot to UNCONDITIONALLY respect him, as the Bible instructed me to do. You cannot have one without the other for the long term to survive.
Now, I have to work on the unconditional respect for a man who has had an affair, while praying he can find that unconditional love again. Did I tell him to have an affair? No, that was his choice. But, I did lay a groundwork that made it oh so easy for him to slip through that door.
NDS--
I also told everyone else how amazing my husband was. Unfortunately, I did not treat him like that in our home. I did not edify him the way he deserved to be. However, in the process of filling your wife's love tank with positives, do not become a doormat that will take anything and not speak out when you feel thigs are wrong. Doing this in a NON-confrontational manner will also show her that you love her enough to not let her do or say anything that she would later regret.
Good Luck. You are doing fine. I agree with the others, too. Validate, Validate, Validate.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Thanks for sharing that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my experience and observations have been that I see a correlation between the two dynamics you describe. That is, if a man treats his wife as a princess, that it, over time, may cause her to lose respect for him.
So I just wanted to make it clear that these are my suggestions to keep non-criticism changes sustainable for the long-term when you guys are back on more solid ground.