Pregnant and trying to be stronger

[NikB]

Great point Ellie - good idea.

[JennyF]

I wished I could have had them both in the room...they wouldn't allow it for me. But it's worth asking. The worst they can say is no. In the end I'm glad it was the way it was anyway.

Please be careful though, you seem to be getting almost comfortable in the "poor me my H ruined my life" role.

I've been thinking about this all day since I last posted to you. NikB said it well....I was just going to say stop it with the pity parties. I mean we all need them now and then, but you're existing in one.

You just said....I need a swift kick in the ass....

I needed a swift kick in the ass. Thanks. I know that I am doing a lot of this to myself. But,

Why but? The but is a given. The but goes with out saying. We all know about the but. Stop repeating the but!!!
The rest of your post you totally brushed off the kick in the ass and continued with it...I can totally see how you build it up yourself...

I feel sad. I feel angry that he doesn't have to suffer for anything. I'm trying to get a grip on myself. I don't know why I feel so low right now. Maybe it's because I'm home and have extra time to dwell on the sitch.

OK...with the exception of the 'H isn't suffering thing' you had me up until this point.

Then you just took that kindling and flamed it into a roaring fire...

Maybe it's because I'm angry that H acts all happy in his new life and I am not. Maybe I'm jealous that he got what he wanted from someone else and I got a lot of pain and hurt and anger because of it.

When are you going to stop this? When are you going to stop saying that he is happy and got what he wanted. He has reduced himself to a lowlife who left his wife when she was pregnant for a woman he barely knows...do you really think that he is ok inside?

I'm not sorry I said what I did about OW. I know it's not the best DB'ing. But, sometimes I get sick of taking it and swallowing it and dealing with his F'd up decisions. He wants us all to be one big happy family. Is he on crack?

Again...ok, you're stating the facts and how you feel about it...then more fanning of the flame...

That woman contributed to the destruction of my family and my M. Why does he think that I should be okay with this? He f'd up our life. He did it. I'm just feeling the hurt again.

Do you know how many times you said you're angry and hurt??

1.I feel sad.
2. I feel angry
3. I feel so low right now
4. Maybe it's because I'm angry
5. I got a lot of pain and hurt and anger
6. I'm just feeling the hurt again.

I'm sorry to disect your entire post this way, but you have to see that THIS is how you are doing it to yourself.
You are entitled to these feelings and you are certainly entitled to express them, especially here of all places. But you go on and on until you've made it sound as bad as you possibly can at that moment.
If this is what you're doing here...what must you be doing at home all day? I know what that's like and I know how hard it is to break this cycle.
But start by breaking it here. How can you possibly feel better after just posting all that? Before you send a post read it and see what you just did. Did you get something off your chest or did you reiterate and elaborate on all the sordid details and feelings.
You get yourself all riled up just by recapping all the hurt and pain AGAIN.
In reference to 'that book' I've been reading...this is your Pain Body...and you are feeding it and making it grow stronger.

I wish I could pull myself out of it quickly. It's just harder this time.

Do you really want to pull yourself out of this? If so, you need to start to listen to all of the good advice you've been given and start to make changes. Start with your posting...if you finish a post feeling more 'hurt and angry' than when you started it then this is NOT productive for you!!!

I had been on these boards for all of a week when SG asked me to come by your thread and post to you. Our sitch's were so similar, I had just had my baby and you were just getting started. I feel like we have a bond and like we've seen eachother through a LOT of ups and downs. I feel as though we are friends and I care about you a lot. So please know that all of this is meant from my heart and I am not trying not to be more hurtful at a time when I know you can't take any more. And you certainly don't deserve any more.
I just know that you are going to have a renewed sense of being next week when they put that little girl in your arms. Your focus will change, trust me.
But please, STOP THE PITY PARTIES! STOP STOP STOP!
Don't just take the kick in the ass and then do it again. Otherwise I suspect you may keep getting kicked in the ass!
I love ya!
J~

[Startingover2]

Try looking at your H for the pitiful man he is. Yuck. You don't need another child and that is what he is.
*Typing with one hand! See! Once Kendall comes you wont have time to think of H.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"*Typing with one hand!"

wow, so true. even when they are 3. lol

everyone here is speaking truth. This is why I say you need to start making lists. make lists of good things. you've got to focus on this. Paul said it best "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." Phillipians 4:8

God knows we are/were hurting. But it is also up to us to do what he has told us to break free from that hurt. This can be a learning experience for you, or a life-breaking experience.

Here's another way to think about it.

You said

Maybe it's because I'm angry that H acts all happy in his new life and I am not. Maybe I'm jealous that he got what he wanted from someone else and I got a lot of pain and hurt and anger because of it.

This is EXACTLY what YOUR suppose to do not H. Act happy in your new life and H will be the one jealous. Your giving HIM the control by allowing this.

One thing that I will say in defense of your H, is that I think he's actually giving a lot to this pregnancy given the circumstance. Maybe I didn't get much in either of my pregnancies so I can only compare it to mine. But even when my H WAS M to me, he didn't give as much time to the preg as your H has. I don't know if your H has had ulterior motives, but I think that there IS part of him that is wanting to be a part of this and trying.

Another thing is...if I remember right, your mom has been pretty good about H. meaning, she hasn't been like NikB's mom (sorry nik to point your mom out) where she would only say bad things about H, like ALL the time. If your mom would be comfortable and not be judgemental or critical of H then I think it could work with them being together, otherwise I would say, you better choose one or the other.

Have you asked H if HE wants to be there? (the birth) just wondering. that way you could ask and say... H, are you excited about attending the birth? (If he is hesitant or says I don't know, then you could say) Oh, well, my mom would really like to be there, but as you know I can only have 1 person, so if you'd feel more comfortable not being there, I can have my mom go.

[blindsided1]

Pity party over. I kicked all the guests out. That is not to say that I don't feel sad. The article you attached Nik, hit home. I wallow in my self pity because I think that if I address it and feel really bad, I can't feel any worse and the only way to go is up. The last thing I want to do is lose the friends I have met here because all I do is complain. It was just a low low last few days and I was hurting and felt that I needed to beat myself up. Maybe I need to learn to forgive myself for not being the person my H wanted. I think that even though that isn't exactly the truth, I think he would have done this even if I were perfect. I blame myself, really, more than I blame my H for this. I'm a good person and I know that I love him. So, I figure "what's wrong with me" that he doesn't love me back? I just wanted him to see what a mistake it was for him to leave us. That we could be happy. Instead, he just made himself happy somewhere else.

There are times when my H is very involved and interested in this pregnancy. There are times when he just ISN'T. I miss the way he used to hold my stomach, after each fertility round and say into it "is my baby in there? I can't wait to start our family." I miss being the person he turned to when he needed a friend or advice or help with something. I know it's a natural progression to let go of those things. I just miss being needed by him.

But, you are all right. I live in that place of pity. It must be comfortable for me. I've been there so many times that it feels natural to go there even though it hurts more than anything. So, I am making an effort to really stop going there or at least minimize the time I spend there.

Everyone here has been wonderful to me and put up with a lot of my whining and crying and complaining. I feel that I have been pretty strong, at times. But, then there are those times that just knock me on my ass.

I did have a conversation with H about being in the C-section with me. I told him that I was NOT trying to punish him, but I needed to have someone in there that was there for ME. If he couldn't do that, then I would prefer if my Mother were there. He could still come and cut the cord, but I really needed someone who was going to hold my hand and get me through it. He said that all these years we have been together, he has always been there for me for all the hard stuff: My Dad dying, my Step-dad collapsing, etc. Of course, he is there for me. So, for now, he is still going to be there. I just hope he lives up to his end. If he doesn't, at least the surgery is quick and will be over fast. I'll manage.

Yes H has always been there to get me through the tough stuff. What sucks is that this has been the hardest, most painful, hurtful thing that I have ever had to go through in my life and instead of getting me through it, he CAUSED it. It's just one more betrayal by the man I love. It's very hard to get over being betrayed like this and in so many ways. But, I know I have to in order to get through this. So, new day, new plan.

[Startingover2]

((((Blindsided))))

You sound much better today and I think you are right about you being perfect and he still would have done this. Its about him not being content with who HE is. Always searching for something better because he feels like crap about himself. A counselor told me this when H and I were still married and having issues. He felt H was so miserable within himself that instead of looking in the mirror at himself he blamed me. Then when H left in search of greener pastures thinking that was the answer he fell hard. He never admitted it, but his life was no bed of roses.

Keep you chin up. Kendall is coming really soon! Treat yourself to bubble baths as you can't do that for quite a few weeks post csection!

[NikB]

Pity party over. I kicked all the guests out.

Yay!!! I am totally singing that "na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye" song in my head right now.

That is not to say that I don't feel sad.

Of course you do, sometimes. I bet you also feel happy, excited, optimistic, and a whole range of other emotions too, sometimes. Focus on the good ones and the bad ones will fade more and more.

Oh yeah - and SHARE those happy emotions here. "Dwelling" on those will help them multiply just like dwelling on the bad stuff just piles on more bad stuff.

The last thing I want to do is lose the friends I have met here because all I do is complain.

Heck no!! You can't get rid of us that easy.

I meant to comment on that when I posted the article - that wasn't my intent AT ALL. That was my first reaction to the article too. Took me a couple readings to realize that wasn't the point.

Maybe I need to learn to forgive myself for not being the person my H wanted. I think that even though that isn't exactly the truth, I think he would have done this even if I were perfect. I blame myself, really, more than I blame my H for this. I'm a good person and I know that I love him. So, I figure "what's wrong with me" that he doesn't love me back?

No one is perfect - and who knows what might have happened if the M was different. Maybe he'd have done something like this, maybe not. If so, it wasn't a very happy/healthy M to begin with. But that's ALL in the past.

The future - you're right, I absolutely think you need to forgive yourself. Not for not being the person your H wanted - that doesn't make sense. You should be YOURSELF. And your H should be free to be HIMSELF (not just "what B wanted"). So forgive yourself for not being perfect instead. We're all human and no one is perfect.

((((B)))))

Instead, he just made himself happy somewhere else.

QUIT READING HIS MIND AND MAKING ASSUMPTIONS!!!!!!!!

I live in that place of pity. It must be comfortable for me. I've been there so many times that it feels natural to go there even though it hurts more than anything. So, I am making an effort to really stop going there or at least minimize the time I spend there.

Good plan!!

Have you ever followed DonnaFound's posts? (used to be LostDonna) She reminds me a lot of you in this aspect. She's a lot more "comfortable" there - moreso than anyone else I've seen on the boards really. She's done a lot of work to get through that, but I know it's been a long road. She posts in Surviving now, if you're ever interested in reading her story.

What specific things are you going to do to minimize the time you spend there (besides of course the obvious of having Kendall!)?

[JennyF]

That was a FANTASTIC article NikB!!!

Blindsided....I too am glad that part has ended. You might be a little hungover for a while...but it will get easier!
I look forward to spending the next week getting you pumped up and EXCITED for Kendall's arrival!

Is her room ready? What colour is it? Have you done any pre-cooking? It's always a good idea to have a lasagna or two in the freezer for the first couple weeks. Especially after a C-section. That would help keep you busy too!

YEAHHH!!! You're going to be Mommy!!!
J~

[blindsided1]

Yeah, I'm gonna be a Mommy. I had a dream last night about her birth. I went to the hospital and the Dr. pulled her out by her feet in a split second. No C-section, no pain. I did say it was a dream, right? That was the first time I dreamt about her birth. Her room is ready. I have some things to clean still, but don't I always? I didn't think about the pre-cooking. Good point, Jenny.

SO2 - you are sooo right about H always looking for the next thing. Whether it is a love R, friendship, or job. He is always looking for the next thing. I think that during whatever type of R he is having, there is a point where he "tries" to be content. But, that usually doesn't last long. So, in that respect I feel sad for my H. I don't think he will truly ever find what he needs because he is always too busy looking elsewhere. Maybe one day he will come to some sort of realization that his happiness has always been here, with us and he quit before he figured that out. So, we'll see.

[NikB]

Now THAT would be one nice birth experience B!

What's her room look like?

Good idea Jenny on pre-cooking some food.

B - I agree the cooking sounds like a good distraction. If it's a little TOO much work right now and you have the funds, you could also do the "pre-assembled" dinners. You can go in and assemble them yourself and it's pretty fun. It reminded me of being a TV chef where everything is already purchased, chopped, and waiting for you. You just measure/package it up, and a cleanup crew comes in behind you.

The one I've tried is local but I'm thinking of something like this:
http://www.dinnermyway.com
http://dreamdinners.com

If neither of those have a location near you, there's a nice complete list from multiple companies here:
http://www.easymealprep.com/main/direct02.php

Most of these will also package it up for you if you want, but I think it's much more fun to DIY. Maybe some friends or your Mom would go with you?