Journal - Had a good day yesterday. She was in a good mood when i got home and the boys behaved (finally!)We had a nice dinner with the boys - I cooked on the grill. I had to go to a meeting last night. When I got home she told me she hadn't had a snack yet and was waiting for me. I got changed quick and came back downstairs. There was nothing on TV that she liked and she was very fidgety. I asked if she was ok and she said that she was dreading going to work tomorrow. I told her then it was time to quit. She got up and said she was going to bed - I asked if she wanted to talk about it or if she just needed some alone time. She said alone time - so I said ok. I went up to bed late and in the morning i held her. She seemed pretty good about me holding her. When we woke up she said her stomach was hurting again. I know the job sitch was really bothering her. I said not to worry, it will be over soon. I asked her if she wanted me to stay until she calls in and she said thanks - but no she could handle. So I left. On my way to work this morning, she called my cell and told me that she did it. She called and quit. She sounded a lot better. I told her I was proud of her and to take it slow and enjoy herself for a couple of weeks. Tonight we go to MC so I am going home early. I am really interested in what she says tonight. Keeping fingers crossed!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I asked if she was ok and she said that she was dreading going to work tomorrow. I told her then it was time to quit. She got up and said she was going to bed - I asked if she wanted to talk about it or if she just needed some alone time. She said alone time - so I said ok.
Just one thing...and I'm not saying I'm great at it either, but I see it when other people write. You are Mr Fixer. She complains and you suggest she quit work. How about not offering up solutions. Besides, maybe she just said it was work and it's something else. I'd suggest you try to be more of a listener...and then maybe she won't just want alone time.
Anyway, with your marriage not exactly on solid ground, do you really think it was a great idea for her to quit? Does she have a new job lined up? I wouldn't have suggested that. What if you have to kick her out and she doesn't even have a job?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Hey Phoenix - I didn't elaborate enough. At MC she had said that she wanted to get into a career that allowed her to be more creative. She likes interior design, painting etc..I printed out some info from a few in the area. She spent the last couple of days calling them and seeing if they are hiring. She got some great suggestions. She also spent yesterday sending her resume out to different dentists where she could work part time until she can find a way to start something she really loves. We had talked about this together at length. In addition, the old job happened to be 5 minutes away from my neighbor's gas station - so I wasn't too upset she quit. But the biggest reason I told her to quit is that her boss was verbally abusive and she was getting sick to her stomach every night at the thought of going. She already looks and sounds better. But you are right - I have to constantly fight the urge to be Mr. Fixer - definitely improving at it.
Last night we went to counseling. She was blaming all of her problems on the job and the kids. The MC then said don't you then think you are projecting your anger on your H. How do you fell about your H. In the past she has really avoided this. After some more prodding, the MC finally got her to talk. She said that she feels strange around me, that I'm not the same person that i was. She said she doesn't have that warm feeling she used to. She said a lot had to do with some of the arguments we had during this whole thing. She did say she wants to work at it.
The MC then asked me to respond. I said that there is no question that what she said to me changed me, but moreso, her EA with the neighbor totally blindsided me and caused me not to trust her anymore. To me the person I knew for 22 years would have always come to me and told me anything, and to watch her take the conversations that should have been with me to another man, was the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced. The MC asked if I felt abandoned and I said absolutely, that was the perfect way to put it. I then went into the current sitch with the neighbor and said I am starting to see a lot of similarities to the EA. The difference this time is that I have worked on myself and if that is what my wife wants I am prepared to take the kids and move on with my life. It's not my first choice - I would like to work on my marriage first and do everything I can to save it, but if that's not what my wife wants I am strong enough and confident enough to move on.
My wife started crying and said she didn't realize it was bothering me and that she thought it was very toned down. She said that she was just trying to have fun with friends and didn't consider her behavior flirting. The MC asked if she saw how it made me feel. She said yes, that now she does. She said again that I have been great about not pushing her or questioning her when she wants to do something and that she did notice a lot of changes that I have made in myself. She told MC that I have been very supportive.
I then said that I wasn't 100% convinced that she ended the separation to work on our relationship (is it ok to say that?? I guess I slipped a little)I said that although things were improving I didn't feel her commitment to our marriage quite yet but I understood it wouldn't be overnight. But I did say I need to know if she really is committed to working on it. She said that she was definitely committed but that the kids and job had become very overwhelming for her. I think this is going to be a very slow process and I am cool with that. I think we are finally communicating again and maybe that will help with the strangeness we are both feeling.
When we left we talked in the car more about the neighbor. She said that she thinks of him as a brother only and promised me there were no romantic feelings ever. She said that she really appreciated me being more friendly with them and hanging out. She said the kids had become her biggest problem. I wanted to say that I felt our R should really be her biggest priority now, but I kept thinking to myself to cool it on the R talk. I did say that I trust HER regarding the neighbor but I do not trust him. She thanked me and said she understood.
We then went home and took the boys out top dinner and had a pretty good time. When we got home my neighbor called me over. He started to tell me about his problems with his wife. He said he gave her an ultimatum on how to treat his mother. He said this was his ultimate test. He also told me that if it wasn't for me he would have left her a while ago. He said that he has never seen anyone doing what I have done for my family. He actually told me that he really hopes it works out for me and that I deserve it. Now I am feeling guilty about all that I write here about him. But at the end of the day I still don't trust him.
Sorry this went on so long - but it was a pretty long night!! I would appreciate any feedback from you guys! And as always thanks!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Sounds productive. I'm glad you got all that out in the open. Personally, I'm not that stoked about your wife's response, but just play this out and see how it goes. I think you handled things wonderfully from your end. Perfect. You were strong and confident while getting the message that you want the marriage to work across.
Quote:
He actually told me that he really hopes it works out for me and that I deserve it. Now I am feeling guilty about all that I write here about him. But at the end of the day I still don't trust him.
Hopefully you didn't feel bad for long. I really don't trust this. Don't know why. Probably nothing. I wouldn't feel guilty. Any time you feel guilty about badmouthing him, just remember that he played a big role in your wife's EA and still won't back off. He should be sticking a sock in it around your wife. I hope he doesn't try to your wife about his wife. She isn't his confidant.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Hi mule....I didn't get thru your whole thread yet but read through your last post. As you know, EA's can be much more threatening and more painful than PA's. The energy they expend is time better spent, obviously on your own R.
Trust is a terrible thing to lose in an M. I know it, but, sounds like there is hope from what you post in your thread. My only advice for now is to listen to what your W is saying and if some of her complaints ring true, then, get to work on making those changes to try and shore up the R. DO NOT SELL HER ON THESE CHANGES. No need for the 'I'm changing for you' comments...and...as you know....NO R talk unless she brings it up. Do a LOT MORE listening and validating now. Listening is a powerful tool as is silence and the lack of a need to defend yourself.
Look into becoming more attractive (not the physical stuff). Google David Cunningham and attraction and see what you come up with. I highly recommend Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S. and For Men Only. Easy quick books to read.
Stay constant...strong...or, as my DB counselor told me in the far beginning..."be the same strong H you've been through the years."
As for the neighbor, do not trust him. Although you cannot order your W around or control her, be aware of your marriage. This should be a boundary for you and should not be crossed again.
Hang in and be strong. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
When we left we talked in the car more about the neighbor. She said that she thinks of him as a brother only and promised me there were no romantic feelings ever. She said that she really appreciated me being more friendly with them and hanging out.
Mule, I'm confused: I thought she admitted to having an emotional affair with this man?
Journal - Had a good day yesterday. She was in a good mood when i got home and the boys behaved (finally!)We had a nice dinner with the boys - I cooked on the grill. I had to go to a meeting last night. When I got home she told me she hadn't had a snack yet and was waiting for me. I got changed quick and came back downstairs. There was nothing on TV that she liked and she was very fidgety. I asked if she was ok and she said that she was dreading going to work tomorrow. I told her then it was time to quit. She got up and said she was going to bed - I asked if she wanted to talk about it or if she just needed some alone time. She said alone time - so I said ok. I went up to bed late and in the morning i held her. She seemed pretty good about me holding her. When we woke up she said her stomach was hurting again. I know the job sitch was really bothering her. I said not to worry, it will be over soon. I asked her if she wanted me to stay until she calls in and she said thanks - but no she could handle. So I left. On my way to work this morning, she called my cell and told me that she did it. She called and quit. She sounded a lot better. I told her I was proud of her and to take it slow and enjoy herself for a couple of weeks.
Mule,
In my opinion, this is "rescuing" behavior, and treating your wife like a "princess." I did both in my marriage, and I'm learning that it's not healthy -- for EITHER spouse.
Us men are "fixers," and we like to ride in on our white horses and offer solutions to our women, when oftentimes, they just need us to listen, and to validate their feelings. It's also HEALTHY for us to have to deal with realities like difficult bosses, stressful jobs, etc. If her boss is being verbally abusive, then maybe she should get something else lined up before she gives notice, but your post just strikes me as "There there now, honey, you just go ahead and quit, and I'll make it all better for you."
I think your wife needs to squarely FACE some of the consequences of her own decisions in her life, including being a mother to her children. Instead, from what you post, it sounds like she sees them as a burden.
I agree with the others. I'm amazed that you can even have a conversation with the man. At the very least my body language would be sending the message that I'd very much like to rip him apart limb by limb. Don't you feel the desire to tell him that you have no interest in hearing about his problems, especially after the problems that HE brought in to YOUR life?
As for your wife, one caution. Things that are said in MC are sometimes said because that's what they think they are supposed to say. I agree a bit with PD that your wife's answers bother me a bit. Why now, after so many years together, do the boys and work bother her so much that she wants out? There's something else at work here.
And my buddy FIB is right on the mark as far as continuing to work on you. You don't TELL her about the changes you are making. You let her SEE them. And keep in mind, you're making these changes for YOU, not for her. If you've made these changes to win her back, they won't last and you'll be right back in the same boat at some point down the road.
Hopefully the conversations at MC were real on her part and she truly is sorry about the mess with the neighborhood. Hopefully she truly is committed to your marriage and family. But you know what they say: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I think it's only rescuing behavior if he's telling her to go ahead and quit BUT they really need the money.
Is that the case?
Otherwise, she has stated that her job was a large source of the pressure in her life. We remove pressure so that we're placing our full effort on the important things.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I would agree with you, IF she is stating (and demonstrating) that she is going to invest her mental and emotional energy into the marriage. I'm not seeing that.
In a vacuum, I don't have a problem with her quitting her job, or with him even encouraging it. It's part of a broader PATTERN that I'm seeing of him tolering her irresponsible behavior, and treating her with kid gloves. I see both spouses needing some hard reality right now -- I think it'd be very healthy.
