Been here for months - time to tell my story

[mulesqb]

I guess I don't know. I thought it was an EA (I definitely meant AFFAIR)and didn't agree with the "attachment". Are they different? I honestly don't know. I also think it was mutual. I don't believe there was any PA. I'll definitely look into that book - I have a lot of summer reading to do!

[mulesqb]

I don't think the neighbor's W is playing around. She seems to want my W as her friend and her friend only. I don't think she likes her H befriending my W. She wants her to herself. My W says that the kids get so hard to handle that she feels like getting away or "escaping". That's why she hangs out with them. She just seems like a different person when she is hanging with them - happy as opposed to the unhappy face at home.

[faithisbelieving]

Mules...I think you are getting good advice. Don't find yourself in the terrible position of discovering that the neighbor was 'befriending you' to get 'the heat off him'. This man cross a boundary. He should have told your wife to go home and work things out with you.

I've found that...in an attempt to save our M's, stop the R talk, etc, we back away from SOME 'confrontations' with our W's out of fear of pushing them away from ourselves or entering a 'backslide'. Screaming, yelling, losing control and trying to control your W are, well, verboten. Setting a marital boundary is NOT. Letting an EA or PA continue while you are under the same roof is NOT attractive. Telling her you love her but you won't share her with another man is a N.U.T....non-negotiable unalterable truth. I am not telling you to say this to her, but, I caution you about this neighbor...as the others have above. He is NOT your friend and NOT one of your "BetterMen". PDT and Bworl and Phoenix, et al are.

Eyes open. Listen. Be open and available to her should SHE want to talk. Let her KNOW by your actions and intimations that you are there for reconciliation...but she must know you stand strong on your principles. FIB

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Amen.

[mulesqb]

PDT - Good point - I shouldn't presume to know that.

I do get the point - just don't know how to follow through on it. If she has a need for friends and I really believe she does - isn't it very controlling of me to tell her who to be friends with?? My 180 here is to be strong and confident and do something different.

I am mixed on the friend of the marriage - I was frustrated and ready to pack it in during the separation and move on and he came over and encouraged me to stick it out and not give up after all I have been through. He also told my wife that she better think it through - that the grass is not always greener.

[Bworl]

You may choose not to bring the subject up. Maybe that needs to be your play right now.

I think all of us would be saying that, at the very least, this man (and potentially both of them) is a dangerous person as your marriage is concerned.

To take anything he says as true is a huge risk.
To trust him alone with your wife for any length of time is a huge risk.


Your wife wants friends? Surely you have more than just these two neighbors. And if not, it's time to get out a bit.


These two give me the willies.


Bill

[mulesqb]

I agree with all of you. I really do. I can't thank you guys enough.

Believe me - I don't trust them. I definitely see them as dangerous also. Honestly, I guess I am just afraid of a setback right now. Things are going well. She has noticed my changes and acknowledged them in MC. She has called me everyday at the office this week. There was a time back in March where I didn't hear from her for an entire month at work. Her voice is different to me - resembling the old personality at times. She sounds happy to be talking to me. She also seemed to be less strange after the MC last night where we really talked about the neighbors, especially after talking in the car. We actually had a nice dinner with our boys and our boys alone. We haven't had this type of progress yet. I held her in bed this morning for over an hour. Again nothing sexual - I just want to get rid of the strangeness. I still haven't said ILY and will not unless she does. Deep down I know that is bothering her and maybe part of her strangeness. I'm not kidding you when I tell you I told her that everyday for 16 1/2 years. Now I haven't said it in over 2 months.

Bill - we definitely have a lot more friends. We went to dinner with two couples last Saturday night. it was the best night of 2008 so far. I know she would agree. I am definitely going to keep setting dates like that up. I would like to go out with her alone, but feel like I should wait for her to ask.

She has a great group of girlfriends that she was doing a lot of things with but when our sitch started, she kind of dropped them to the background. They are all from families that we are all friends with. But one in particular she was very close with and has kind of dropped. I mentioned to her the other day that I saw her at church and she didn't look great, so I was hoping that would spur her to call her. No dice.

Anyway - can we agree to try the weekend and see how it goes? If another flirt fest starts I promise to confront her in a calm manner and lay down the law.

I would also like to know how you guys think I should handle her sitch with the kids right now. At the end of the day, I am more worried about them than anything and don't really know what to do. I just keep talking to them and telling them how much we love them. But then we are not spending great amounts of time with them.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would also like to know how you guys think I should handle her sitch with the kids right now. At the end of the day, I am more worried about them than anything and don't really know what to do. I just keep talking to them and telling them how much we love them. But then we are not spending great amounts of time with them.

Mules,

It's my strong belief that your wife's feelings about being a wife and mother right now are almost entirely being driven by her inappropriate feelings about -- and her contact with -- your male neighbor. How you rectify that, I think you'll see if you read back mine and bworl's posts to you (and others') is pretty clear.

Whether or not you FOLLOW that advice, however, is of course up to you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I agree with all of you. I really do. I can't thank you guys enough.

Believe me - I don't trust them. I definitely see them as dangerous also. Honestly, I guess I am just afraid of a setback right now. Things are going well.

So what I hear you saying, Mules, is that you see your wife getting angry with you as a bigger threat to your marriage than you do your neighbor, with whom you know she's had an affair, and with whom she is still actively flirting. Is that your position?

[mulesqb]

PDT - I guess I am trying to believe her when she tells me she is not flirting and doesn't see it that way. It's hard Puppy, I am struggling because I want to trust her and you guys are probably right to tell me not to. Part of trusting her to me would be to believe that she has no romantic interest and is just wanting friendship from other adults right now. I know you think I am playing with fire.

If we are going to make this work again though, don't I have to regain that trust? And if she sees that trust from me wouldn't it have a positive effect? I don't these answers, I am asking.

I'm not afraid of her getting angry anymore. I was a month ago when I thought anything I did would upset her and make her want to leave.