I don't think they lied about cancelling the game, unless I'm misreading this. The Aunt came over so son could go to his game.
And while I share your concerns with all this wonderful involvement with a set of neighbors who are CLEARLY bad for your marital health, Mule has made it clear that they are going to continue being socially involved with the. He is confident that there is nothing to be worried about.
We'll cross our fingers and hope that he is not sadly surprised one day.
Mule,
You still need to get your wife on board with your sons.
I consider it extremely selfish to value plans for the two of you over a ball game that your son was already commited to.
Ball games take a couple hours. You two could have gone out ANY time before or after.
Your wife wants the FUN stuff. She doesn't want the WORK of the relationship.
By the way, that's why the neighbor was appealing. FUN stuff, no responsibility.
Don't for a minute be deceived into thinking everything is just jim dandy at your house.
Bill
Bill,
You're saying everything I'M saying, only you're being nicer. If you read my other threads, I'M normally nicer, but I just don't see Mules gettin' it, hence the 2 x 6.
EVERYONE here -- not even just you and I -- have been unanimous in our advice that these neighbors are -- at BEST -- a distraction to the real work that Mules and his wife need to do on their marriage, and at WORST they are an active enemy of the marriage.
What Mules does with that advice is up to him. Frankly, I was done posting to him, but his "am I making good decisions?" jumped out at me.
Puppy - In trying to shorten the length of the post - I wasn't clear. We didn't lie to him. My W's aunt took him to his game. I told my W the only way I would go to dinner was if he went to his game and we had a family member there with him. I ended up asking him if he was ok with that and he said it was fine. He asked me to take him to his game on Sunday. That's what I did. I would never lie to him so I could go do something for myself. Never.
Mules,
I was referring to your WIFE wanting to lie about it, and only seeming to be okay with the arrangements when you "rescued" her from her moral dilemna by setting up alternative childcare so at least your son could go to his own game.
I coach my sons' baseball teams, and it's sad to me when parents -- as these boys get older -- start just dropping the kids off at the fields, rather than stay to watch them play like they did when they were little. I can't remember how old your son is, but this is a sore spot with me, I guess, and it's unfathomable to me how you would try to set up a way for you and your wife to go spend time with the couple that includes her OM, rather than go to your own son's baseball game, but I guess that's your decision.
Bill - You are spot on. Our agreement is to do one night with the neighbors. I am monitoring the neighbor situation.
I feel the biggest problem is what you mention about getting my W on board with the sons. She wants no part of going to any of their games or any of their activities. She went to one this weekend. That's it. I am running around from field to field. We have three boys so they each play on one team. She doesn't like it, so she doesn't go. You are right about it being selfish, but I do help coach their teams and was at every game every weekend until this one. She doesn't want to go. I don't know what to do about it. This is our big topic in MC.
"Your wife wants the FUN stuff. She doesn't want the work of the relationship. That's why the neighbor was appealing. FUN stuff no responsibility." -- This sums up my entire sitch in a nutshell. I definitely don't think everything is fine. At MC I said that I don't feel she is 100% committed to the marriage. It's like she wants to keep me close until she gets through whatever she is going through and then she'll re-commit herself. At times it makes me very angry. How do you think I should handle this part of the R?
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
PDT - We have a lot more in common than I thought. I have coached my sons teams up until this year. I was the town commissioner for Little League and i run the CYO program for our parish as well as coach 2 teams (my 4th grade sons team and my 8th grade sons team). When my W gave me the speech, one of the things she complained about was my involvement with these programs. The ironic thing was 3 years ago, she volunteered me for the CYO thing - never asked me- just told the Monsignor i would be great at it. After the speech I cut my involvement way down with the Little League and resigned as Commissioner. This was to show her that I would do whatever it takes. It did hurt a lot though as this was some real quality time I was spending with my sons. I had coached the 9u travel team last year and was going to resign this year. A number of the parents started to call my house before the season. My W came to me and said I should keep doing it.
She doesn't like sports so doesn't go to these events anymore. Someone earlier had posted that maybe I was spending too much time with my sons and these teams and she was craving attention. The thing was that she used to go to all of them and hang out there with her girl friends. i thought she liked to go. All of a sudden it was sore spot with her with no warning at all.
I am trying to split my time now between her and the kids. I wish she would put the same effort in when it comes to them. That's where we left off with the MC. I can't wait for this week's session so we can continue.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
My boys are 15 and 11, and I've coached them both, both in rec ball and in All-Stars. We've never done the travel thing, but a lot of the better players from our league are going travel due to limited field space in our nearly-1,000 player league. We are a Babe Ruth/Cal Ripken affiliated league, not Little League.
My wife also, when pressed by me -- and her parents, and our daughters -- for what was her "biggest complaints with Puppy", cited "he spends too much time at those damned ballfields!"
I had to point out to her that I was WITH OUR SONS when I was there, whereas she had chosen to go out and have an affair -- hardly the same thing.
It does sound like we have a lot in common, right down to the "rescuing" behavior. Trust me, that's why I'm tough on you -- BECAUSE I HAVE DONE WHAT YOU ARE DOING, and I know IT DOESN'T WORK.
PDT - What do you think is acceptable in terms of her having friends?? I just feel like if I put an end to the neighbors, that I am controlling who she can and can't be friends with. I know you think I should move right away.
Other than that - what type of conversation would you have with her regarding the neighbors and the kids?? What type of tone would it take?? I have seen some real positive signs from her. I thought it was good that she blew them off on Sunday to cook for us even though they kept pushing it. Her and I are talking more - no real affection or intimacy yet, but I thought that was part of taking it slow. She is starting to do more things with family (cousins, etc..). She mentioned to me yesterday she would like to have a BBQ with three sets of families from my 10 year old son's baseball team. I was floored and will pursue to have it this weekend. She is calling me at work everyday - which had completely stopped for months. I know you think I am afraid of her but that's not it. I just think she is very fragile right now. I am seeing sides of her old personality that I haven't seen in a long time. I do agree that if the neighbors weren't there it would make things easier - but I also think at some point she is going to see how pathetic their lives are. I also think that I needed to work on myself and get rid of the insecurity that had overcome me. I finally am there. My attitude is that if she would rather be with this guy than me, than she can go for it. But I am confident that is not the case. I think part of the strides we have made is because she sees that I am back to myself. Maybe that is crazy - but that works for me and makes me feel better. In the past, it felt the more that I pushed - the farther she went. Since I have been accepting she has come back. I don't think there is a right answer here. I have been taking a lot of advice from everyone here and also following the techniques in DR.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
You understand that the complaints about you spending too much time at those fields are baseless, right?
You're not running a rec program just for the fun of it. You have boys involved and you are being involved in their activities.
I've done this too. I have a 21 year old and a 16 year old who is now playing HS ball. I've been through those busy summers too, done some coaching (I'm also a HS/JHS football coach), but not ever actually run the league. My ex NEVER complained once about my involvement. And while we both occasionally bemoaned the fact that our summers were so busy with baseball, it was NEVER used as an attack on each other (she actually ran the concessions at our local field for two years - just as busy if not more so than coaching).
Your wife is disconnected from your family. That means you AND the boys. She is doing some inner struggling and SHE needs to be in (preferably Christian based) counseling to find out what her problems are. The MC is great, but she's got some issues that SHE personally needs to work out.
What do you do?
Well, if the relationship between the two of you gets to a reasonably solid position, this would be a great conversation for the two of you to have. YOu could share your perceptions and ask, lovingly, for her take on how she feels about things. You could share your love and commitment to her and your boys, and your willingness to help her work through things any way you can.
If things are not solid, and I'm not sure they are right now, you probably should stick with keeping things right between you and her, and her and the boys.
Try to get her to be involved in the boys activities in SMALL doses for now, but make sure she's got something else healthy to do if you have to be gone.
And keep up with the MC and explore whatever issues the two of you have together.
You don't get your boys back as boys again. I'm assuming that at some point in time your wife got that. Now she doesn't seem to. And hey, I've got an ex who moved 500 miles away from both her boys and is missing just about every significant event in my youngest sons life. Sometimes they just snap and don't seem to ever get it again.
And yes, the neighbors will continue to be a sore spot for those of us posting to you, but I think YOU get THAT quite well now.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
My wife also, when pressed by me -- and her parents, and our daughters -- for what was her "biggest complaints with Puppy", cited "he spends too much time at those damned ballfields!"
I had to point out to her that I was WITH OUR SONS when I was there, whereas she had chosen to go out and have an affair -- hardly the same thing.
Quote:
She said to me - that you get to do your thing (the coaching) what do i have?? I responded - that if our boys weren't involved - do you really think I would be doing it?? Of course not - so it is not just MY thing. I really resent when she says that.
Quote:
It does sound like we have a lot in common, right down to the "rescuing" behavior. Trust me, that's why I'm tough on you -- BECAUSE I HAVE DONE WHAT YOU ARE DOING, and I know IT DOESN'T WORK.[quote]
Ok I understand. I am juggling what I read here and what the MC says. There is a lot of contradictory stuff. She said that my W shouldn't have to go to the games if she doesn't want. But it is good for bonding with the kids. But her whole life can't be the kids activities. That's where her and I have grown apart. In my life - my priorities are my W and kids first then me. With her- it's her first - then the boys and me. I'm not sure how that happened. But it is very hard to get over. I am adamant that she needs to start committing herself to the M again or I will want to separate again.
We are also working on the neighbor R in MC. We agreed to one night on the weekend. I was happy my W addressed it and I didn't have to. I probably shouldn't have went back to their house to help them on Sat nite. But when he called on my cell and I heard his voice, for the first time I thought of him as a normal H. He sounded like he was very sad to lose his W. I will continue to discuss in MC. We go every Thursday. She even said to me last night that she definitely notices that the neighbor's W always comes over a lot whenever they are not getting along.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
You're probably better off working with Bworl right now, as you seem more comfortable with his approach. And he's excellent.
I'm a pretty black-and-white guy, and old-school on this stuff. If I perceive my neighbor to be a threat, I'm not okay with a "we're down to once-a-weekend" with that threat. But that's just me.
If you want my take on things, just go back and read what I've already posted to you. It hasn't changed.
