I think you are on the right track.. Something you are doing is working. You really need to look at what is working beyond.. partying. You need to look at your mannerisms, your thoughts, your speech.. when things are going well and when they are not. Then compare how you were in each situation. To be honest my gut tells me just keep doing what you are doing.. then there is this little part that says be careful. This situation you are in could go bad quick. Its just really hard to give any solid advice in this situation because it does not fit the "norm".
Forrest, that has been the source of my confusion all along. There are some moments where I sense she is thinking about us and wants to say "don't get your hopes up", or I hear her say "I" and "me" in reference to a future.....but I am hard pressed to pinpoint down times or what I would call bad times.
I believe I have been very consistent in my mannerisms, thoughts and speech...and that is where she has noticed the biggest change. I talk a lot about the fun and partying, but every day I think about what I am saying and how it is being heard by her....and yesterday for me was the start of a return to some form of normalcy....I need to find out if that is what she is looking for, also.
If all she really wants to do is party every chance we get and let the truly important goals slide, then I have a bigger problem on my hands than I had imagined.
The beginning was hard, but as I "own" this personality again it becomes easier each day.
...and tell me your thoughts on why "This situation you are in could go bad quick"...I know there is nothing solid right now, and she has not given me any verbal indications that she is changing her mind....is that why you say that?
"I do believe that was my imagination. This just goes back to my being so insecure about this whole mess.....and greedy. I want it all...."
Well you posted this while I was posting.. man I wish I had read that first..
It is interesting to me that "You have it all".. yet you still want some more. I definitely think you are fighting yourself on this one..
You can't hold someone this close.. as you have found out.. it becomes smothering, constricting. Listen.. she does not make you.. YOU. She should make you better.. you should compliment each other.
Listen to what you are saying about yourself.. I don't know what you are fighting on the inside.. but now it is a little more clear to me. You really need to find something that will help you out of this serious need for control.. You really need to sit down and talk this thing out with "someone".
"If all she really wants to do is party every chance we get and let the truly important goals slide, then I have a bigger problem on my hands than I had imagined."
She has tried to work on the goals all along.. now all of a sudden you want to work on them. This is likely a really good diversion from the "normal" stuff.. for both of you.
"The beginning was hard, but as I "own" this personality again it becomes easier each day."
Don't take this wrong.. I really think you need some help with this. #1 It should not be that hard for you to "go back".. #2 It has to stick this time. Otherwise you will be back to your old ways. You have a source of motivation right now (She might be leaving) once that is gone.. your motivation will be too.
"and tell me your thoughts on why "This situation you are in could go bad quick"."
Lets just say she sees or feels something that motivates her to leave. I have to think.. we will be seeing some different style postings from you.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
As far as pushing this forward with relationship talk, you'll know perfectly well when it's time to begin with that.
She will bring it up.
Until then, it's off the table.
Consider it part of the deal you made to possibly get another chance. SHE drives the relationship deal for now. Obviously you don't want this being the case forever, but I would say it's still early in your "changes", and pressure from you in this area could easily be what leads to, as FG described it, "things going south in a hurry."
The seque into some partially separate life is going to be a significant one for you I think. If indeed you have made her feel guilty for "having a life" outside of you in the past, she has learned to be cautious when spreading her wings. The new you needs to show her that you are comfortable and ok with her being completely who she is, life with friends included.
There is still an enormous upside in the way things have been going. You really need to NOT lose sight of that fact.
Continue taking opportunities to engage in your own activities, such as working around the house, etc. I would refrain from anything that smacks of "the old man." Again, in reference to FG's comments about things turning south, your wife is well attuned to your old habits and behaviors. I think if she begins to see them emerge, you will see a sudden and significant change in her behavior towards you. And likely an increase in the talk about no future.
Patience and consistency are your strongest tools right now. When you feel bummed about a lack of positive future type feedback from your wife, throw a bit more energy into strengthening this new man that you've become.
Hard work my friend. But very rewarding as you see that you are successfully changing in ways that resonate with her.
Small steps will accomplish your goal just fine. Again, patience and consistency.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
You guys are something else....good eggs, as an old friend of mine used to say.
Forrest, LOL.....I know you think I am a critical, controlling lunatic, but really..it is not as bad as it sounds when it comes out of the keyboard. I have issues to deal with, but I have made a tremendous amount of improvement in these 2 short months. You would have had to see me in action to know how truly bad I was and how far I have come in this short time. I have no plans of going back. Whatever it takes I will do. I have never been so determined about anything in my life before, honestly.
Most of what comes out in my posts is venting, and it sounds like i want to have my cake and eat it too. Have the control and have her love me unconditionally. That is not the case....it is just frustration coming to the surface. I can't tell her how I feel, all I can do is show her. As you say, I need someone to talk this through and this site and you guys in particular has helped me get a lot off my chest. I read the words I type...the tales of my wrongdoings, and I know in my heart that is not the man i want to be ever again.
Thanks again, both of you. Hope you will stay with me. I will keep you posted.
...and a PS, in regard to my critical controlling nature, a couple of silly stories from last night for your amusement.
While she was cooking dinner, I sat with her, asked if she needed any help and chatted...no was the response.
It had got bad enough with us, that she pretty much never wanted me around when she was cooking because I was always telling how to do something or that she was doing it wrong. She asked me to sit with her and keep her company last night.
Not only did I not say a word, other than chatting of course....she made a wonderful dinner(I complemented her several times, sincerely), with no help from me at all....LOL. I thought about this after the fact, today while I was eating leftovers for lunch.
Then out for drive, she wises off to me about my driving. That was what I used to do to her, so last night she gave me the business every chance she got....slow down!...look out !!...jeez..you drive like a maniac...laughing about it.
It sounds more and more like you are going to be given a very rare thing.
A second chance.
Though it's actually your third, right?
From what you've shared, it sure seems like you've seen the light. I honestly believe in my heart that if this is for real and permanent, your wife would rather spend the rest of her life with you.
And if you can make this last, I think you'll hear as much eventually.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
"LOL.....I know you think I am a critical, controlling lunatic, but really..it is not as bad as it sounds when it comes out of the keyboard."
Actually you remind me a bit of me.. that scares the hel* out of me.
"I have issues to deal with, but I have made a tremendous amount of improvement in these 2 short months."
Let me say this as clearly as I can.. The work NEVER stops. The second you do.. right back here you will be.
"You would have had to see me in action to know how truly bad I was and how far I have come in this short time. I have no plans of going back. Whatever it takes I will do. I have never been so determined about anything in my life before, honestly."
I feel fairly confident I have a pretty clear picture. I seriously would consider finding and talking to someone. It helped me a lot. Still does as a matter of fact.
"That is not the case....it is just frustration coming to the surface."
Again.. let me say this really clear.. If I can see it here.. she can see it there.. Trust me on that one. You aren't that good.. I don't know that it is possible to hide things that well. Just like Bworl said.. if she can sense it.. she may act on it.. so again.. get some help with this. If posting is working.. you definitely need to talk it out!!
You picked out two good things that have happened.. its good that you can see them. Just keep it slow and steady.. baby steps.
Oh.. and did I mention.. Find someone to talk too? Again it will help more than you think.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"LOL.....I know you think I am a critical, controlling lunatic, but really..it is not as bad as it sounds when it comes out of the keyboard."
Actually you remind me a bit of me.. that scares the hel* out of me.
"
lol-- that is exactly what I was thinking about myself- I am an admitted control freak- smotherer- trying to reform--
I think you will find yourself with many similar people here--
Your sitch does seem to have changed- in a good way. I think its fantastic that you spent a "normal" day being together. I think I am where you were at previously now-- I wanted us to go have fun so we have been partying our butts off!-- isn't it funny how we all can end up doing such similiar things- having similiar reactions-
Just wanted to drop in and say congrats on your fun normal good day together!
It sounds more and more like you are going to be given a very rare thing.
A second chance.
Though it's actually your third, right?
From what you've shared, it sure seems like you've seen the light. I honestly believe in my heart that if this is for real and permanent, your wife would rather spend the rest of her life with you.
And if you can make this last, I think you'll hear as much eventually.
Bill
Funny...That is so much what I want to hear, but when someone says it...I'm thinking "Oh God, please don't jinx me"...how screwed up is that???
...and guys...DARN IT! I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT and WILL MAKE IT LAST, somehow-some way. All I need now is the opportunity to do it with her.
Yes, third that I know about. Lord knows how many times she actually gave up and never said anything.
