Been here for months - time to tell my story

[mulesqb]

You understand that the complaints about you spending too much time at those fields are baseless, right?

I always thought so, but i was doubting myself.

You're not running a rec program just for the fun of it. You have boys involved and you are being involved in their activities.

I really thought she understood this - but I think it was a convenient excuse.

Your wife is disconnected from your family. That means you AND the boys. She is doing some inner struggling and SHE needs to be in (preferably Christian based) counseling to find out what her problems are. The MC is great, but she's got some issues that SHE personally needs to work out.

Again Bill - spot on. Can't say it any better. How does she work the problems out?? I don't know. I have asked her to go to counseling alone but she won't. Our MC has started to pick up on this and my W is getting a little defensive. She already said last week that she thinks she is getting ganged up on.

Well, if the relationship between the two of you gets to a reasonably solid position, this would be a great conversation for the two of you to have. YOu could share your perceptions and ask, lovingly, for her take on how she feels about things. You could share your love and commitment to her and your boys, and your willingness to help her work through things any way you can.

If things are not solid, and I'm not sure they are right now, you probably should stick with keeping things right between you and her, and her and the boys.

Things are getting better - but this is a tough subject. She is not ready to constructively discuss this yet.

Try to get her to be involved in the boys activities in SMALL doses for now, but make sure she's got something else healthy to do if you have to be gone.

This is the exact approach I am taking. Hence the dinner the other night. She went to one game that morning and felt she was done for the weekend. That's why she wanted to do her own thing. I was very encouraged that she wouldn't go without me. 2 months ago, she would have.

And keep up with the MC and explore whatever issues the two of you have together.

We are doing this, but it is going slooow!!!

You don't get your boys back as boys again. I'm assuming that at some point in time your wife got that. Now she doesn't seem to. And hey, I've got an ex who moved 500 miles away from both her boys and is missing just about every significant event in my youngest sons life. Sometimes they just snap and don't seem to ever get it again.

This is what is so mind boggling about her behavior. the woman i married was all about her family and kids. Then this MLC alien took her over. We have lost 6 precious months to this. I pray to God that she gets it again. My son was one of the weaker players in the league last year. He got voted on the all-star team this year. His game was Sunday morning - she missed it - never get those back!

And yes, the neighbors will continue to be a sore spot for those of us posting to you, but I think YOU get THAT quite well now.

Oh - I get that big time and appreciate everyone that posts about it. They are looking out for me. That's what is so special about this place. It has made a big difference for me.

[mulesqb]

I'm a pretty black-and-white guy, and old-school on this stuff. If I perceive my neighbor to be a threat, I'm not okay with a "we're down to once-a-weekend" with that threat. But that's just me.

PDT - I'm only ok with it because that is what we discussed at MC. I'm not saying it is the right thing to do. I wish I knew. I bring it up at every session and she knows it's an issue.

If you want my take on things, just go back and read what I've already posted to you. It hasn't changed.

I refer back often. Thanks for taking so much time to help me.

[mulesqb]

You're probably better off working with Bworl right now, as you seem more comfortable with his approach. And he's excellent.

I think you are both excellent.

[faithisbelieving]

It's my neighbor. He is practically in tears. He tells me he is going to divorce his wife, he can't take it anymore.

Danger Will Robinson. Danger. Danger.

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

mules.....discussing your neighbor...outside of the 'affair'..in MC, well.....

I agree with all said above. You must find some other way to expend time and energy on family.

Again, I seem to slip in late on others coattails, but, I can't agree more with everything said above. Time spent with your kids is priceless. Do I watch Dancing with the Stars? No. Am I at my daughter's dance recital? Wouldn't miss it for the world. If your W doesn't want to be at your son's sporting events, there IS some sort of 'disconnect' which is an issue.

I know that some of these posts are 'rough', but, I'm with PDT on much of this. I've been there too. Don't take this personally, but the word 'babysteps' is banned on my thread. I don't think they exist. I think it is a word for our inability to rationalize or understand their moments of 'lucidity' in their world of illogical behavior.

I would much rather see your family have a weekend getaway...or even you and your W have a weekend getaway, vs. having the teammates over for a BBQ. Although well and good, I think the former would be more productive.

FIB

[Puppy Dog Tails]

the word 'babysteps' is banned on my thread. I don't think they exist. I think it is a word for our inability to rationalize or understand their moments of 'lucidity' in their world of illogical behavior.

INTERESTING!!!!

[mulesqb]

discussing your neighbor...outside of the 'affair'..in MC, well.....

FIB - Could you explain more - I'm not sure I understand - I'm a true newbie

If your W doesn't want to be at your son's sporting events, there IS some sort of 'disconnect' which is an issue.

I definitely agree - but all she keeps saying is that the games are boring and she doesn't want to spend her weekend doing nothing but watching games. How do i rectify that???

I know that some of these posts are 'rough', but, I'm with PDT on much of this. I've been there too. Don't take this personally, but the word 'babysteps' is banned on my thread. I don't think they exist. I think it is a word for our inability to rationalize or understand their moments of 'lucidity' in their world of illogical behavior.

That's my fault - I told her i wanted to go slow because she has asked to reconcile twice and I just haven't trusted it yet. I want signs from her that she means it this time. Actions, not words. Don't worry about offending - I know everyone is here to help. I love your def of babysteps. Admittedly it took 3 reads to understand - but it makes a lot of sense.

I would much rather see your family have a weekend getaway...or even you and your W have a weekend getaway, vs. having the teammates over for a BBQ. Although well and good, I think the former would be more productive.

I would love the weekend getaway. We just have a couple of family events the next two weekends (graduations). After that I will definitely pursue.

[mulesqb]

Journal - The last two days have been ok. Yetserday was the first day in 2 weeks she didn't call me at the office.

We went to a wake last night on her side of the family. One of her aunts that she hasn't seen in a while told her she looked great - that per her in a good mood - but I can't take her ego sometimes - she's such a different person about her physical appearance. Don't get me wrong I am so proud of her with the weight she lost - but she is very arrogant about it. The woman I married had no arrogance for over 20 years - it's tough to adjust to. She actually flirted with me a little bit. She hasn't been with the neighbors at all the last few days.

Last night in bed she was in Siberia again. We have MC tonight and then we agreed to go out to dinner with the kids. I want to make sure she doesn't invite the neighbors along. She isn't working today so she'll have about an hour to get to them before I get home to pick her up.

Just a question - should I bring up her behavior in bed to the MC?? Or is that something I should talk to her about alone?? Or should I just ride it out for a while?

One thing - I have a golf outing tomorrow with some old friends - she has been supportive about me going until she found out that my youngest son has a baseball game tomorrow night. She doesn't want to go - says it is torture. She complained for about 15 minutes then said she would take him. I never knew that watching your son do something he enjoys could be torture. Another thing that I don't know whether or not to bring up in MC. Right now I feel like her R with the kids is the biggest thing she struggles with.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Mules,

I would bring up (in MC) any and every issue with which you feel you both need help. Both of these would certainly seem to qualify.

Puppy

[mulesqb]

Hi Mules,

I would bring up (in MC) any and every issue with which you feel you both need help. Both of these would certainly seem to qualify.

Puppy

Thanks PDT - I'm glad you're still here and not giving up on me yet. I will bring up both issues.

We usually start the session with the MC asking how things are going. I really am very interested to hear how my W responds.

If the golf outing goes well i should be able to make it back in time for my son's game. Not to help my W though - I would like to see it. He is 7 and only has this weekend and next left. My other boys have the travel season kicking into high gear then.