Pregnant and trying to be stronger

[Forrest Gump]

His time is coming.. maybe not when you expect it... but it coming.

If he ever says anything like that again.. Look him dead in the eye.. Smile.. and say "I am not the one that left." Or if you just wanted to be mean.. do all the same thinks.. and say "Sucks to be you."

[kml]

So, for now, just trying to get through the next couple of weeks. I am really on pins and needles though, right now. I have this awful feeling that H is about to do something not so good. I don't like it at all.

Blindsided - is there anybody who could come and stay with you for the next couple of weeks? I wouldn't ignore that funny feeling you have.

Did you ever read The Sociopath Next Door? Some things about your H definitely seem like they could fit the profile. (Although, granted, MOST WASs seem insane in some way during their crisis).

Still - you having this bad feeling about H, him focusing on how he's going to be obligated to pay child support, you vulnerable and all alone in that apartment - gives me the heebie jeebies. Makes me think of those true crime dramas on tv, where the H knocks off the pregnant spouse. Don't let him go Scott Peterson on you.

You should have someone around you anyway, emergencies can happen with pregnant women so close to delivering, so recruit someone to stay with you, or go stay at someone's house.

Ellie

[blindsided1]

FG - I keep waiting for his time to come. He just always seems to slip under the radar and get off easy. But, I truly believe that what goes around, comes around. That goes for OW, too.

Ellie - I'm good. I actually live in the upstairs of my Mom's house. It's a nice big house with security and a big back yard for Kendall to play in. It's the home I grew up in. H and I moved in ther not too long ago to help take over the mortgage when my Dad fell ill. We had planned on being there to get them through the rough time so they wouldn't lose the house. I guess H decided to bail out early. I, for now, am staying. I have help from my Mom and I can't beat the mortgage on a 30 year old house. There is no way I could afford a place on my own right now. With H waffling about his monitary contribution and me being on disability. This is a much better solution until I can get back on my feet and settled with CS and the debt H left me.

As far as the Sociopath comment. You must have read some of my earlier posts. When H walked out, I continued to see our MC on my own. She pointed out the characteristics of a sociopath and had me read up on it. H had 10 of the 15 characteristics. All of which he had PRIOR to him leaving. The Counsellor said that he exhibited those characteristics right away when we were going to MC together. It's pretty scary the things that you dismiss or just don't pay attention to when you are so close to the sitch. Stepping back, I see many things that I hadn't seen before. I don't, by any means, think my H is a lunatic. But, he's often NOT a good person. He can be and he knows the difference. He just chooses to be self serving a lot of the time.

One of the things that I struggle with is the fact that H can be really sweet one day and the next he's a total jerk. It's hard for me to reconcile this in my head. I take it all so very personally. Almost as though he's angry with me or doing it TO ME. But, in reality, I think H reacts to his own issues, most of which have nothing to do with me. I just end up getting the brunt of it because I'm an easy target for him. It's easy for him to be mean to me. He can't be mad at himself because he's not responsible for anything (in his mind). He can't take it out on OW because he can't risk her taking back the money she spends on him or the risk of her kicking him out. So, who's left? ME.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hey, not much time to post or read, but just wanted to say I'm thinking about you.

good job not giving him the money.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

kml, I think you mentioned the sociopath book last year. or was that someone else???

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"And, when he screws up, he blames it on everyone else. "

I would suggest to try to see what everyone around him normally does when he screws up. Is it all different? the same? what are his reactions to those people and is it different? Why not doing a 180 the next time he screws up and see what happens.

"But, in reality, I think H reacts to his own issues, most of which have nothing to do with me. I just end up getting the brunt of it because I'm an easy target for him."

YES, this is totally right, IMHO. Just try as hard as you can not to let his comments/actions affect you. the outcome will be better. there have been several times where your H was being rude or whatever, and you chose to keep happy and you turned his mood around. You've written this several times, so just keep doing it, it works.

[blindsided1]

Pretty much when he screws up, he blames whoever is involved. It is often his parents or me. WE are the problem, always. His parents just ignore it and try to rationalize with him, but he doesn't ever take accountability. He hasn't talked to them in a while, either. I'm sad again today. I just miss him and I keep begging for it to go away. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of loving someone that doesn't love me back. I'm trying to keep busy, but today, for some reason is NOT good. Last night H called breifly. The whole time we were on the phone (5min) he was texting OW. I would have to keep saying "are you still there?" because there were lulls in the conversation - he just wasn't listening - too busy texting while he was talking to me. I don't know what to do about this. Is it okay for me to just say "look, why don't you call me back when you are finished". It is so rude and disrespectful and it hurts to think that he can't go 5 minutes without texting her? WTH? When he is at the hospital and when he comes to the house to see the baby, I think that I am going to insist that he leave his phone in the truck. It's completely rude and totally juvenille. My Mom was saying that she thinks it's a pathology. Literally, and I am not exaggerating, they text about 4000times a month (each of them). That's over 100 text messages a day. What could you possibly have to say in a text? Maybe this is how they communicate. H is terrible at communication and he isn't very good with emotion either. So, maybe he likes communicating this way - it's emotionless. And, lo and behold, he found someone perfect for him that likes it too. Maybe they were meant for each other. They both seem pretty immature and self centered. That doesn't bode well for any kind of reconciliation with me. I'm just not that kind of person. I like to hear the voice of the man I love. Not spend hours on end typing into a little phone. So, maybe it is very possible that he has met the woman of his dreams. Doesn't quite seem fair that he hurt so many people to get her. Doesn't seem very fair that I get to suffer the consequences in pain and hurt and betrayal for his happiness.

[NikB]

(((B)))

Sorry you're having a tough time today.

His parents just ignore it and try to rationalize with him, but he doesn't ever take accountability.

These are two different things - ignoring it is one, trying to rationalize is another. Sounds like neither one works. I'd say the best you can probably do is "act as if" you KNOW it's his fault. You can't make him take accountability, but you can make it clear YOU are not taking accountability, either.

Last night H called breifly. The whole time we were on the phone (5min) he was texting OW. I would have to keep saying "are you still there?" because there were lulls in the conversation - he just wasn't listening - too busy texting while he was talking to me. I don't know what to do about this. Is it okay for me to just say "look, why don't you call me back when you are finished".

1. Don't answer - call back on your terms when you're ready to talk to him.

2. Tell him "sounds like you're busy with something else, talk to you later." and hang up. Then go do something else. Don't be available when he calls back.

When he is at the hospital and when he comes to the house to see the baby, I think that I am going to insist that he leave his phone in the truck.

Totally reasonable, I think.

Maybe they were meant for each other.

So, maybe it is very possible that he has met the woman of his dreams.

All I can say is.. cut it out!!!! Quit dwelling on this stuff.

I'm sorry you're having a tough day. Sounds like time for a break from any contact with H for awhile. It seems to be hurting you and getting you down again.

[blindsided1]

You're right Nik - time for a break from H and contact. I just find it so rude that he does that. he would do it our Lamaze classes and it was all I could do to stop myself from taking his phone and smashing it to little tiny pieces. I am having a bad day, today. I've been trying to keep busy. But, I am just so totally pissed off. He really has not done anything to help me. He built this storage space over the bathtub while I was at work one day. It was so big that it covered the tub and you couldn't use the nice jacuzzi tub we had upstairs in our room. When I got pregnant I asked him to please deconstruct it. "No problem" he said over and over. Finally, last week I just asked my brother to take it down. H asked me if I had installed the car seat, yet. I kindly reminded him that he said he would do it because I didn't think I could do it properly. He said, "why don't you just ask your brother?". So, I guess he doesn't feel any obligation to help with anything for the baby, much less for me. It makes me bitter to know that someone I love and who loved me doesn't give a sh!t anymore. He can't even put money in the account in a timely manner so I can buy groceries. It's times like these that hurt the most. When I realize how little he really cares about my wellbeing. These are the reasons I have a hard time forgiving. I just feel like he is hopeless. Nothing is ever going to make him grow up or put other people first - not unless he's getting something out of it. I think about all the times that I have helped him and taken care of him and he just takes and doesn't give back. I'm tired of giving to him.I'm tired of making his life easy. I'm sick of the fact that he has it so f'ing easy and all the people that put that have been there for him (his parents, me, my family) - we all get crapped on and used and then tossed aside. I'm sorry I'm complaining so much. I'm just feeling extra angry today. I just want to be over him. I just want to not hurt anymore.

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Blindsided,

Dont beat up on yourself, or apologise, you're carrying his baby right now, its no wonder you're not "over him" yet. From what I have seen of a couple of friends of mine and their useless ex's, everything changes once you have a baby, it changes you so much, so I wouldnt be surprised if you feel very differently once your little girl is here. You will feel such a rush of love and protection for her, I dont suppose you will have much respect or love for your H, if he continues to act so selfishly toward you both.

I am thinking of you and wishing you well. I just hope, like everyone, that the birth of his daughter will be some kind of wake up call, but I think its a long shot, from everything you have told us about him!

Ali xxx