This one SC wrote it..I edited it a bit..Sorry SC should have ask first maybe.
Some people think that a WAW is hard, angry, cold. In a fog. There's more to her than that.
3 years ago, a woman laid in bed at night, not wanting to wake up in the morning. There was no way out. She couldn't divorce him. He would have visitation without her there to protect them. He had never hit them, but he surely didn't understand how to care for them. He didn't even know who they were.
She couldn't leave. She had no job, no way of putting food on the table for the children she loved. She had been independent for so long, & she trusted this man to provide for her. Now she lay in bed, wondering who he was, & how she got her. These were not the choices she would have made, if she had a 2nd chance.
She couldn't talk to him. He couldn't hear her. She desperately wanted to share herself with him. He had walls up. She couldn't penetrate them. He seemed so content to work, watch TV, eat & sleep. Why didn't he want more, like she ?
She felt trapped. She resented herself for letting him treat her this way for so long. He told her often enough, he was a good husband. She needed so much more from him. She tried telling him, for years she tried, then she cried, she begged, she pleaded, but he couldn't hear.
He was cold, hard, in a fog.
She tried everything, she read every book. She prayed her heart out. She tried to be more Christ-like. Figuring if she set the example, he would follow.
She knew it came down to two choices. Her children's happiness, or hers. She would sacrifice hers. She decided to stay, & raise the children, with this man who would never know her. When they moved out, so would she. Then she would salvage what was left of her.
She put her heart in a dusty old box in the top of the closet. It was easier. She didn't hurt anymore, she was numb.
When she finally quit trying, & tried to fill her hours with distractions, he noticed. His fog was lifting. He wasn't quite so cold, so hard. She didn't care. It was too late. She was numb. Her heart was in that box. She vowed never to take it out again.
She stumbled through her days, crossing them off in the calendar. Wondering how much longer she could live this way. Did her children see her unhappiness ? She wondered, are they better off with a single happy parent, or with two parents who co-exist ? The torment was eating her alive. What to do ?
By now, she wasn't sleeping. Wasn't eating. She pulled away from all of her friends. She was dying inside. She desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, noticed, cherished. She was a beautiful fragile flower slowly dying without water, sunshine & air.
When no one was watching, she cried. She cried til she ran out of tears. She wanted it to be over, she wanted the pain to stop. Everytime she looked at her husband, it reminded her of the pain. The pain that was consuming her. She turned to alcohol to numb the pain. Anything to make the pain go away. Her friends ask her why she's losing so much weight. She wonders, why can't anyone see that I'm dying here. She doesn't try to tell the man she shares a bed with, remember, he can't hear her.
She finally writes him a letter. She says she is done. They need to raise their children, & he's the only one who can be their dad. Now he's fully awake & out of his fog. He's scared. He had no idea how bad she hurt. He thought things were good. He's been living in a separate reality from her.
He says he'll change, he'll do anything, to make her happy. He says his family is the most important thing to him. She doesn't believe him. She's numb. Her heart is safely in that box. He tries, she watches. He tries some more, she watches. He's dying now. She's numb. Now he wants the pain to stop. She's numb. She wonders why did things have to go this far before he would hear me ? Now she doesn't want to talk to him. She's numb. Talking to him reminds her how much she used to hurt, she can see it in his eyes now. Her survival instincts kick in, at least she doesn't hurt now. She's numb.
The only place to go from numb is anger. He tries some more, she can see he's making changes. Now comes the buried anger. The anger that she wanted to express to him for all the years past. The anger she was afraid to show. He doesn't realize, angry is better than numb. He takes her anger. For 12 months he takes her anger. Sometimes he fights back, & when he does she goes numb again.
She's so scared to take her heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Angry is so much safer. Does he know how hard it is for her. She knew the day that her children were born, that she would give her life for them. She just didn't know it would be like this.
Sometimes he tries to push her to heal faster. She's doing her best. He wants more from her at times. She's doing her best.
Some nights, the pain returns, & she remembers, & she just can't sleep. She's not numb anymore, and the anger is going away. She doesn't know how or where, but it is. She's so scared. Numb is safer. Angry is safer. If she gives in to her fear, to her sometimes overwhelming fear, everyone will call her a WAW. She wanted you to know.
M, You are not off the rollercoaster....you are in for a long ride. I am not going to knock you for what you do or don't do. If I can make one last suggestion....now that she has left, leave her alone....no calls. no e-mails, no R talk, let her make the contact. Go play golf and try to enjoy yourself. Last year when I was smack in the middle of this, I shot 72...I still don't know how I did it with everything that was going on.
Hit em straight!
I don't have any plans to contact. She's going to a friends house in Hilton Head. I'vwe got plans this weekend. it's full.
M, Walking in blind (as you put it) is better than antagonizing your W. The time to split up assets is after the mediator suggests you do so. The mediation process will involve many other topics...child support, spousal support. Do you intend to discuss that with W before mediation also? Patience, all in due time. Just my opinion of course.
Mike, take a step back, take a breath, and refocus brother. DBng is just a princple in which to work from, to take ideas, advice, and formulate and apply to one's own sitch as you know there is neither right or wrong. You apply and watch. IMO showing her SC's letter was a Ace move, when someone doesn't know how to explain themselves can't figure out why they are feeling a certain way sometimes 'showing something' to somebody can give them a basis that they can relate to and say AHA!
Hi there - haven't posted on here before but I have followed this thread pretty closely...
I hope you don't mind me jumping in...on Gypsy's post earlier and the questions posed - is one of Gypsy's questions "Is M dealing with this latest turn of events in a typical M sort of way" Could this in itself may be validating her position and if M you are done with this, then thats fine, but if you're not, if you're going to stick around till the whistle blows then perhaps there's a better way of dealing with this...and that way is bending like the metaphorical palm tree in the wind and dealing with this situation in the way W is willing you to.
The play you just made with SC's letter shows you have some understanding of the sitch from her perspective and I think that's also what Gypsy is driving at - that you're good at sorting stuff from your angle but when push comes to shove how capable are you at stepping into her shoes and seeing it from hers. This latest move shows her you can and are willing to do that. That letter should be compulsory reading for husbands of WAWs!!!
IMO you gotta find some way of slowing the thing down and not rushing anything - at the moment it looks as if you're both in danger of escalating the whole thing to the point of no return. Pull back, slow down, validate, keep calm and enjoy your weekend. And remember what Gypsy also said - this is the W show, not the M show...
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Hi there - haven't posted on here before but I have followed this thread pretty closely...
I hope you don't mind me jumping in...on Gypsy's post earlier and the questions posed - is one of Gypsy's questions "Is M dealing with this latest turn of events in a typical M sort of way" Could this in itself may be validating her position and if M you are done with this, then thats fine, but if you're not, if you're going to stick around till the whistle blows then perhaps there's a better way of dealing with this...and that way is bending like the metaphorical palm tree in the wind and dealing with this situation in the way W is willing you to.
The play you just made with SC's letter shows you have some understanding of the sitch from her perspective and I think that's also what Gypsy is driving at - that you're good at sorting stuff from your angle but when push comes to shove how capable are you at stepping into her shoes and seeing it from hers. This latest move shows her you can and are willing to do that. That letter should be compulsory reading for husbands of WAWs!!!
IMO you gotta find some way of slowing the thing down and not rushing anything - at the moment it looks as if you're both in danger of escalating the whole thing to the point of no return. Pull back, slow down, validate, keep calm and enjoy your weekend. And remember what Gypsy also said - this is the W show, not the M show...
Best - GFI
I understand you clearly. Thanks for jumping in and helping me see it.
While I understand that you are in "protect" mode.. it just seems a bit over the top.
There is a time and a place to protect your interests.. One of the things that can happen in a situation like yours is that people keep doing "more of the same" even though they are separate.. or even living in the same house.. this gets compounded by the WAS saying its done.
It just seems like you are fast tracking this.. and she is all for helping. Really the way to get thru this is let her take the lead. Just follow along quietly.. and pick your battles.
Gypsy.. touched on it to.. you can see from here what your wife is running away from.
You have got to be smart about this.. The constant bickering back and forth.. has got to stop. You are the only one that can do that right now.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
