We had two pretty good days. Alot of kid events and issues (I stayed home one day with a sick D and had multiple kid sporting events). I found out that my W has been battling a chronic and painful health issue that has caused much of the irritablility and anger. I offered my complete concern and support. I even did the hug and "it will be alright". I feel terrible in that I cannot help her the way I normally would because of the S/D. She did try to blame the health issue on me (the stress of the S/D). Crazy logic.
I will help her as much as she lets me but try not to pursue.
This really stinks for her in that she carring a tremendous load with the S/D, her health issues, her familty issues (extreme stress from critical health problems), work issues, etc. I want to help her but am blocked from doing little else than showing understanding and concern.
I want to suggest to her to put the D on hold until these other issues are resolved so that I can help her. She has to be considering this in some way. It seems that I have to wait for her to make this move.
For the first time in a long time I snet my W and email that was not in response on a kid issue. I told her that I understood and was concerned and offered her my support 100%. I got a thank you in return. I did not throw out the cancel/put on hold the D while these other issues get resolved idea. I may if there is an opening but I havent yet. I keep hoping that she will suggest it.
I had kid events last night and things were very calm between us. There was alot of calm communication and some validation. I am really trying to be her friend but not pursue. I keep praying, focusing on pleasing God and being as nice as possible to my W without pursuing. She has been reading some religious info on Marriage and D. I see that as a small but positive sign. She appears to be trying to justify the D in her mind religiously. This shows that there is some conflict and doubt. I am really worn out emotionally and physically by all of this. When this first started I could not get to sleep or stay asleep. Now it is all I want to do.
I havent posted in a few days and was tied up with kid items. On Friday my W hit with "all my friends at church dont talk to to me anymore" and showed alot of anger that , for once, was not directed at me. Her friends at church probably disagree with her actions at are keeping thier distance. I did not speak with them. She has been surfing Religious sites and going to Religious bookstores looking for justification for the D. I hope that she seeks out help from the pastor. I know where he and God stand. The anger level continues to be very low. Things are better.
I had to quit half way because I got a phone call...
The weekend was better than it has been. W and I watched a movie together and had several nice conversations. I got thank yous for several jobs done around the house and spent some quality time with kids. I validated and got some humor in once and a while. Really think that we are in a solid stage 2 most of the time.
My Divorce Support Group Meeting went well. The 2.5 Hours a week that I spend in there really helps my PMA and is a real GAL activity.
It looks like my supporters have been busy... I know you are still there. Havent been feeling well. Really down about D and all I want to do is sleep. Work and Kid Stuff still going on but I feel like I am out of gas. It has been really easy to detach and LRT when I am either not home or asleep when home.
W has been on the phone like crazy lately, in the garage, in her car, in her room, for hours on end. I keep thinking that something has happened or changed that I am not aware of yet. Maybe she has started dating and is talking to the OM. Who knows?
I did get 2 honeys and dear yesterday. Very small items.
Really trying to refocus on the PMA and GAL activities. I dont see our sitch ever getting out of stage 2. I know, I know Patience and Prayer......
Sorry I haven't been able to post but I don't have as much privacy to come on this site now that my H has moved back.
I'm sorry you are feeling down but try to focus on all the positives that have been occurring: -less anger from W -watching movie together -pleasant conversations -W saying honey, dear -thank yous from W
Aside from the D support group and kid activities, what other GAL things are you doing for YOURSELF. GAL is very important to help your PMA right now, especially since D proceedings continue.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I have joined a Men's Group at Church and am volunteering at a church charity every 2 weeks. I also have been exercising regularly and going out at lease once a week (usually for coffee or dinner with a friend). I also have been reading alot of D/R/M books and focusing on the D legal details. I seem to make PMA progress for a few days, backslide, more progress, etc. The progress line of my emotional health would look like a lightning bolt. It is very hard to see my W every day and interact with her with the D pending. She does not see any of my emotional weakness. I am confident and positive and kind around her..... or I am not around her.
I know that my triggers are when I see hope of any kind and when I see the kids suffering. When the kids are happy and the W is nasty/distant - I am fine. I feel for you in that you seem so close to success. It must be very hard for you to not relax.
My W is having weekly IC meeting now and I am very hopeful that she is getting better. Not just for our M but for herself. I know that I am a much better person than I was at the start of this mess. I have concerns about her IC because she has stated that she now knows that she quit the marriage along time ago but did not realize it. She also keeps saying that she is not good enough for me. These concepts both come from the IC sessions.
I cannot make her happy, I cannot change her mind, I can only present the most attractive option that I can for her to decide. I keep focusing on Prayer and Patience and trying not to think too far ahead.
I cannot make her happy, I cannot change her mind, I can only present the most attractive option that I can for her to decide. I keep focusing on Prayer and Patience and trying not to think too far ahead.
This is the right attitude!!!
Finding the right C is so important - unfortunately there are many C who encourage WAS to leave the M if they are not "happy".
It's wonderful you are doing all these GAL activities. All this will help you move forward with or w/o your W. There were many days in my sitch when I felt very down and I didn't have a D looming. All I can suggest is to keep doing what you've been doing (you seem to be doing the right things) and have tremendous patience. Things can turn around at any point.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
I had a GAL activity and a Kid activity last night. Both involved friends and alot of social interaction. My outlook is better today. Tonight has more kid activities planned and another GAL item. My W was nice last night (what little I saw her) but was on the phone again for extended lengths of time. I avoided her this morning. I had a coaching session this morning and I seem to be making progress..........
