It's choosing your battles. Stuff is stuff. What your wife did wasn't fair but you agreed to it. At least now you have new stuff, which hopefully will be credited if the divorce goes through.
*hugs*
Actually Gypsy, I didn't agree to this, I found out the hard way that I was not taken anything, this was after I put a deposit down on a house, then realized she wasn't going to give me anything so I had to go out and buy furniture to live on. I chose not to fight that battle as at the time neither of us had served any papers and I was still in the mode of trying to save the M. I also saved all receipts so I could show how I had to go out and buy all new furniture because she was not willing to give me any, this will come out in mediation.
I do understand what you are saying that we have to pick our battles, maybe Mike shouldn't get upset about this "right now" but I feel when mediation comes next week, he needs to fight for what he wants and save it til that day.
You know I like you and think you're a great guy. You're dedicated and have pulled your emotions up from the tips of your toes and laid them out for all to see. It takes courage. All of this has been very very good for you, to help you grow, to improve where you are in your life. Excellent! Bravo!
Now.. just because you're getting all this growth, doesn't mean your wife is. Just because she can't get past the raging torrent of anger.. which is really just massive hurt.. doesn't mean she isn't trying. She's stuck.
She's told you. She believes the changes you're showing aren't lasting. Or rather, she's too afraid to believe your changes are lasting.
So here she is, in survival mode, probably being goaded by her mom, feeling pushed between a rock and a hard place. She says, don't do anything. You make a gourmet meal. She says, don't touch me, you give a beautiful head massage. You're giving what she doesn't want to take, or feels compelled to accept. You're being a wonderful guy.. but that's not what she's looking for.
She is hurt. Whether you agree with it or not, she is hurt. Hurt and frustrated enough to leave something that is near and dear to her, to break up a family. That only happens when there is a deep longstanding frustration and agony. She does not know how to say how she feels.
Imagine how frustrating it is for her to hear people say.. "Geez.. this marriage can be saved if it weren't for you, Wife. Why can't you (Wife) do what you should?" All the time she's screaming inside because she can't express what she feels.
Your first message: "play til the whistle blows" is a beautiful image, empowering. The second: "If there's a divorce, I'm done with you." Well heck. If she doesn't meet your timetable, then there's no hope, no give, no wiggle room. It's pressure, even if you don't mean it to be.
Sharing cookie's post was incredible, brilliant. It gives her a place to focus where she isn't under the spotlight. She can be human, fragile and tormented.
Where can she be safe?
All of this isn't finger pointing or putting you down. It's just observations, Mike, from a different perspective.
Stuff is stuff. In the end a lawnmower, a recliner don't mean that much, especially if they become fuel for the fire.
What do you really want?
How is that goal reached?
*hugs*
Gypsy..this is what I need. This post I completely understand. Thank you for it.
I don't take it as finger pointing..I don't care if it is. This is what I need. I need honest observations from everyone.
I want her back. She is the one.
I'm frustrated because it's moving forward. I get so frustrated when she screams at me that I did not want my Daughter that I don't love my daughter.
I know she is hurt. I know I hurt her. She tells me how I hurt her. I know how we got here. I agree I hurt her.
Do you really feel sharing SC's post was a good thing??
I never know what to say. I just wanted to hop on and give you some support. I'm thinking about you...
When things have simmered down a bit, I've got a joke for you.
xo,
Come on over. I need all the support I can get. I love a good joke..Girl..you say whatever is on your mind. I need all perspectives..let it roll and call it how you see it..
I was going through the finances for the financial affidavit.. 18K in divorce bucks already (the retainer fees for both lawyers). His reluctance to reveal his whereabouts cost me 2K, probably more for his lawyer who's more expensive.
I just looked at it.. and thought, how stupid. How stupid this whole thing is. How silly it is to just walk out, drop a chunk of change (which if anything is contested will be a ton of change) and what will it all prove?
That we couldn't talk about what was important.
Going through a divorce doesn't change the basic problem.
If you can't talk about stuff in your marriage, how are you going to talk about stuff during the divorce?
It's the controlled emotions that come out when things are on the table.
"Buy me out of the marriage since you don't want me." "Pay up because you hurt me." "Don't give me what I'm entitled to, I just want out." "Screw you for leaving me."
But none of this is resolved.
Divorce proceedings just add another wedge.
I don't know how I can connect with my spouse. I don't know if I could go back with him. I still believe in what we shared. I know it can't survive without being willing to be open and there.
And I don't know if that will ever happen.
I read about all these folks who are still around each other, have interactions with their spouses and wonder if they realize what they have.. even though it seems so terrible and hurtful.
Read these suggestions. They are perspectives that you can't have because you are inside looking around, rather than outside looking in. Put on the brakes. Let go of trivial things, even if it pisses you off. You say you want your marriage. Then do what you can until you can't do it any more. You may be right about the barriers in front of you -- but as the saying goes: do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?
Gypsy, your post hit home. Gives me a lot to think about. Thank you for it.
Yes.. I think sharing cookie's post was great. Cookie shared the depth of despair, the turmoil and painful struggle to stay in the marriage, sometimes wanting to bolt. (yay cookie.. you're incredible.. hugs)
The tough part is no one has any answers, only lots of "if's"
If she was willing to go to counseling. If she found the right counselor. If she was able to open what was blocked. Chances are her anger isn't all about you.. If she was able to let go.
At one point I wondered if she'd allow a stay of execution, see how life is like being separated, let her have her space, let both of you adjust, let her see if your changes are lasting, let her see how her family affects her.
I don't know if getting all angry and pissy will provoke her to awareness, or if being generous will give her pause. How do you calm rage?
You're a good guy. This is tough. It's lucky you're creative.
Mike, you are on the rollercoaster my friend get off. It's time to listen to what you have told other people to do. Listen to Forrest, GFI your answer is in what everyone is posting to you take a step back breath detach
Brian
I know. I was doing great until the other night when I became Mr. Popular and she dropped another bomb on me. I recovered after seeing the MC and then when we started dividing stuff and she started lobbing mortar rounds the coaster came back around. The signs she gave me led me to believe there was lots of hope. After today I still have hope just feel a little stuck again.
This thread just ain't gonna die..it's starting to torment me a bit..maybe it's the good lord above smacking me in the head with a 2x4 telling me not to give up.
She has called and told me she got to Hilton Head. She sounded good and told me to have a nice weekend. The friend she went to see is also a counselor who works with mentally challenged people and does some other individual and family counseling on the side. Hopefully they will have a good time..
Yes.. I think sharing cookie's post was great. Cookie shared the depth of despair, the turmoil and painful struggle to stay in the marriage, sometimes wanting to bolt. (yay cookie.. you're incredible.. hugs)
The tough part is no one has any answers, only lots of "if's"
If she was willing to go to counseling. If she found the right counselor. If she was able to open what was blocked. Chances are her anger isn't all about you.. If she was able to let go.
At one point I wondered if she'd allow a stay of execution, see how life is like being separated, let her have her space, let both of you adjust, let her see if your changes are lasting, let her see how her family affects her.
I don't know if getting all angry and pissy will provoke her to awareness, or if being generous will give her pause. How do you calm rage?
You're a good guy. This is tough. It's lucky you're creative.
*hugs*
Gypsy/Ping..I don't want you thinking that it was all about the chair and lawn mower. I could really give a rats raw bottom about the stuff. The chair really got me thinking. The chair reminded me that my W's assumptions..(sometimes she thought I was unhappy when there was nothing at all that I was unhappy about),I was just in my Mancave, My W assumed I hated this chair, theres not a thing wrong with this fine chair. My M was the same way, my W assumed sometimes..people outside my M assumed sometimes that I was unhappy..I'm just a quiet guy. That's how my W's and my email convo started this morning..it was a very constructive email convo...then it hit me to send the SC posting to her. I did edit a bit to remove references to WAW..but I had to show my W that I get this. I've told her all along, I've shown her in the letter I wrote..
The question is will her wall break down before the stuff plays out?? I wish I had the emails here and I would share them. They are at work so I can't get to them..
The break this weekend will be good. Hopefully W will come back with a better perspective..I won't mention anything about mediation and if she brings it up I'll suggest we just wait till we go in on Wednesday.
GFI--thank you for posting on my thread. Anytime you want to jump in please do so. You gave me good insight into some of the posts today and I greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much.
