Pregnant and trying to be stronger

[Forrest Gump]

Well.. I see we cross posted. And there you are.

[blindsided1]

I'm really trying to let go. I just want him to not mean so much to me anymore. It hurts to much to love and care for him still. I don't know how to let it go. If I did, I would. Most definitely. He called tonight and right in the middle of me crying. Figures. I should not have answered the phone. He was all giddy and in a good mood and I was not. He asked me why I was so cranky and I just let him have it. I told him that I was tired of doing everything and he could just dismiss us and go off and play. I told him that I felt overwhelmed and was angry that he wasn't helping me with anything. It just all came out. Then I caught myself and I back tracked. I apologized for unleashing on him. I just talked it up to being tired and scared and nervous. I told him that I seriously needed someone in the C-section with me that was there for ME, to help me through it. And, if he didn't think he could do that, then I would like to have my Mother instead. He said, "what? Do you really think I would be a prick in that situation? I know that every other doctor's appointment I'm a jerk, but I wouldn't do that during the surgery." We'll see. I calmed down, dried my eyes and we talked some. I hate that he's happy. It's not fair. Then he tells me that he decided that instead of taking time off of work while I am in the hospital those 4 days, that he is going to take the week off when I come home. He says that it's because I'll have a lot of people there to help me while I'm in the hospital and then he can help me when I come home. Then the kicker, he says "I wasn't actually the one who came up with that plan." I said "Who did, your Mother?". He said "No, OW." I got silent. I was pissed off. I said "Why would you tell me that?" He said " Well, for one thing, she was thinking about you." Give me a f'ing break!!!! I lost it. I said "Really? Was she thinking about me while she was f'ing my H? Don't tell me that she was thinking of me that's utter BS! What do you expect of me? Do you expect I'm just supposed to say oh how nice of her to think of my wellbeing. We should all be friends. I'm sorry but because of her and you, my family is destroyed. So, stop shoving her down my throat." I know that I should not have gone there. I'm sorry. That was mean of him to say that. He could have just NOT gone there. He didn't have to say it was her suggestion. He thinks that we can all just be friends and I kindly pointed out that things don't work like that exactly. He hurt a lot of people and it's not going to just magically be all happy and go his way. I can't even believe that she is soooooo confident in her R with him that she is suggesting that he come help me at home that first week. I was talking to my Mom about it and she said that it's not all that atypical for that to happen. She thinks that OW primary goal is to get H to marry her so she needs to be perfect and unanimous. But, in no way does she really want H to be here. I don't know. Could she be that perfect? Is it possible that she is happy and confident and content in her R with H that she doesn't fear or find me a threat in any way? I hate her.

Anyway, I just stopped the ranting and told him that she in NOT part of my life and I would appreciate it if he would leave her out of this. I understand that she is part of his life, but she isn't part of mine and I don't have to like her. Topic changed. We talked about non R things. Then he started texting while I was on the phone and I asked him to please stop texting while he was talking to me. Then I just said I have to go now. And, he said goodbye. "Goodbye".

He's in a world of his own. He thinks that everyone should just accept that this is what he's done and be okay with it. F him. I'm not okay with it.

[JennyF]

I feel like everything is coming back from the start. It's like I am reliving the whole walk out again and again.

You do relive it blindsided. Over and over and over again you relive it. You type the hurt and the unfairness and the obsurdity over and over and over again.
You want it to be over....but you're not accepting it.
You want the instant fix, for it to be ok right now. But you're not accepting the present moment as your reality. Only you can decide when this craziness ends.

I would say that a lot of what is going on with you is hormones and nerves. Your going to be a mommy for the first time and that is scary no matter what the sitch.

I hate that he's happy. It's not fair.

How many times does Nik B have to tell you that you are making assumptions?? He thinks he's happy. So let him.

blindsided, you have to accept all of those hateful things about your H right now. Not because they're right, but because they're reality. He is so self absorbed that nothing is clear to him right now. My health was at risk my whole pregnancy, I lost 10 lbs in the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy when H left. Neither my health or that of our son meant enough for him to reconsider. Fair??? Nope. But reality. Sickening?? You bet.

I know that this is where you vent and let it all out. We all need that, especially you right now givent the sitch.

He's in a world of his own. He thinks that everyone should just accept that this is what he's done and be okay with it. F him. I'm not okay with it.

I could have written the same thing about my H. But you don't have to be ok with it to accept it. You can't change it. If you're tired of dwelling, then just stop. ACCEPT IT.
I'm sorry to say this, but I think you're at the point where your H isn't the cause of your pain anymore....he did this yes. But you are allowing it to fester in you and grow but continuing to repeat the same things over and over again.
You MUST stop calling yourself 'a nothing' and putting yourself down. You don't even exist??? Come on. Who gives a flying F#@% what your H thinks right now....what YOU think about yourself matters. And you believe these things because your self worth is tied up in whether your H loves you and is with you or not.
STOP looking for him to do things different. STOP. Do things different yourself. Only YOU can change this. Only YOU can change this to be better for yourself.
I know your next question will be, How? How when it is all so unfair and you had planned a life together and this isn't right and OW is this and that and how could he do this to you and to your child and blah blah blah. None of that can or will have an impact to change this. You can only change it by accepting it.
Accept it right now. This minute. You only have to be ok right now, and then when the next minute comes along, be ok with that one. It won't be an instant fix. You will still love him and miss him have all those feelings. Accept those feelings for what they are, natural. But you're unhappy about being unhappy. You're compounding your unhappiness. Have those feelings and let them subside. Don't let them grow by going on about it. Break your cycle.

I'm really trying to let go. I just want him to not mean so much to me anymore. It hurts to much to love and care for him still. I don't know how to let it go. If I did, I would. Most definitely.

You think that the 'how' means that there is a solution that will make you stop loving him and make the hurt go away. There isn't. I wish there was. Don't try to let go. Just accept it. It won't go away, but you can stop making it worse for yourself. And then time will help take care of the rest. A lot of time.
Talk about not having unrealistic expectations?? Don't have them of yourself. You will not be over this quickly. It's not possible especially given the circumstances.

This is an oldie but a goodie...and I think it really rings true. (sorry if I haven't quoted it exactly).
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

You can only change yourself and the way you see this whole thing. You have 9 days to go...don't have unrealistic expectations of yourself. Accept each minute of each day for what it is.
I'm sorry I've babbled on and on.
I so wish that I could give you a big hug!
J~

[NikB]

Jenny - so well said!!

Only you can decide when this craziness ends.

I hope you make this decision soon B. It makes me so sad to see you staying in the "muck" as much as you do.

(((B)))

Oh.. and... I'm glad you said what you did about OW coming up with the "plan." My sitch was different but my H did the "let's all be friends" thing too and it will tear you apart, so good for you calling him on it.

He called tonight and right in the middle of me crying. Figures.

First you're mad at him for not calling, then you're upset with him for the timing??

Hope you make it a much better day today. Can't believe Kendall will be here so soon!!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"I'm sorry to say this, but I think you're at the point where your H isn't the cause of your pain anymore....he did this yes. But you are allowing it to fester in you and grow but continuing to repeat the same things over and over again. "


I'm sorry B, but I really believe this as well.

And everything that NikB said is right. stop telling yourself you are nothing. it is not H that gives you your worth, it is really God and you. Our words are SO powerful. Start telling yourself everyday that you are valuable. write a list about what makes you valuable and say them outloud every day. Write down the things you are thankful for and say them everyday.

I'm going to read a book called "Hung by the Tongue". I heard the author speak and it was so eye opening for me. And what I learned from that convention is what you are experiencing. You keep saying how aweful your H is, and how he doesn't care or love you, and all these things you speak and focus on and we see you going down this road over and over and this is why you are still where you are.

I know that being P has a big reason, and it's also going to be your personality too. Some people are able to really grab hold and take the challenge and get it done, while others have a harder time doing so, and may take longer. I DO believe that you are going to learn and get over this because you are here. But you are causing yourself to be that latter person. Why don't you start seeing yourself as that first person and just start acting and stop dwelling.

I really believe you need to accept your H as gone...maybe you should just accept him as gone for good, because as nikb said, you are NOT ready for him to come back even if he did so. And if it means believing him gone for good in order for you to get past this, then just DO IT. If you want any chance at reconciling you HAVE to get over this.

We know you've had good times, so what were you doing differently when you were feeling better? You have to figure out what works for you, and what will NOT work is you trying to make yourself get over him. stop trying to stop dwelling on him, because it will only cause you to dwell on it more. Use distraction. Use positivity. Use distance if you need. You have 9 days to distance yourself if you need it and if it will help.

We all believe in you. (((B)))

[Startingover2]

H is contstantly hurting you with your conversations with him. You have too much going on and need to put up a barrier from him to stay sane. Your H is not remotely interested in you right now and probably not even really interested in the baby either. I hate to sound harsh but I think he is going thru the motions with the baby stuff because he feels he has to. Otherwise he would be more involved.

If I were you I would not have anymore contact until you have your section. Things are getting close and you need to be mentally prepared and H is just dragging you down. He is not going to step up in the next 9 days so don't keep holding your breath.

Maybe change your mindset that you are going to raise this beautiful girl on your own and H will just be a visitor. I would be really surprised if H followed through on visitation etc in the long run. I am sure he will love Kendall but he knows what a schmuck he is and a baby is going to severely tie him down from his play time.

I remember when H was with OW during the pregnancy and I wished he would disappear. Life would have been alot easier that way given the way he was acting. To me, if he isn't going to step up as a dad then its best to fade into the woodwork.

Hang in there.

[Startingover2]

H is contstantly hurting you with your conversations with him. You have too much going on and need to put up a barrier from him to stay sane. Your H is not remotely interested in you right now and probably not even really interested in the baby either. I hate to sound harsh but I think he is going thru the motions with the baby stuff because he feels he has to. Otherwise he would be more involved.

If I were you I would not have anymore contact until you have your section. Things are getting close and you need to be mentally prepared and H is just dragging you down. He is not going to step up in the next 9 days so don't keep holding your breath.

Maybe change your mindset that you are going to raise this beautiful girl on your own and H will just be a visitor. I would be really surprised if H followed through on visitation etc in the long run. I am sure he will love Kendall but he knows what a schmuck he is and a baby is going to severely tie him down from his play time.

I remember when H was with OW during the pregnancy and I wished he would disappear. Life would have been alot easier that way given the way he was acting. To me, if he isn't going to step up as a dad then its best to fade into the woodwork.

Hang in there.

[blindsided1]

I needed a swift kick in the ass. Thanks. I know that I am doing a lot of this to myself. But, H comments about OW and how she's "thinking of me" totally made me want to reach through the phone and rip his cold little heart out.

I feel sad. I feel angry that he doesn't have to suffer for anything. I'm trying to get a grip on myself. I don't know why I feel so low right now. Maybe it's because I'm home and have extra time to dwell on the sitch. Maybe it's because I'm angry that H acts all happy in his new life and I am not. Maybe I'm jealous that he got what he wanted from someone else and I got a lot of pain and hurt and anger because of it.

I'm not sorry I said what I did about OW. I know it's not the best DB'ing. But, sometimes I get sick of taking it and swallowing it and dealing with his F'd up decisions. He wants us all to be one big happy family. Is he on crack? That woman contributed to the destruction of my family and my M. Why does he think that I should be okay with this? He f'd up our life. He did it. I'm just feeling the hurt again. I wish I could pull myself out of it quickly. It's just harder this time.

[NikB]

But, H comments about OW and how she's "thinking of me" totally made me want to reach through the phone and rip his cold little heart out.

Oh believe me, I know the feeling really well. It's common for them to want to "show" you how great thw OP is. Barf. Hopefully your comments will make him cut it out for awhile.

I feel angry that he doesn't have to suffer for anything.

You feel angry - that is true.

Him not suffering is another untrue assumption. Stop.

I'm just feeling the hurt again. I wish I could pull myself out of it quickly. It's just harder this time.

I think you're MAKING it harder on yourself this time. Maybe just the hormones? Or maybe stress/nerves about the baby coming and you're associating all that with your H's actions? I don't know... probably a combination. Please be careful though, you seem to be getting almost comfortable in the "poor me my H ruined my life" role. You start to get out of it and it's almost like you panic and run back to it. It's not uncommon but if that's the case, you've got to find ways to break the cycle and learn to be "OK with being OK" if that makes sense.

I saw this really good article that Oldtimer posted to Donna's thread in Surviving:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/06/03/o.awful.shut.up/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Any of it ring true for you at all? A LOT of it did for me, and it made me really think. Hope it's helpful for you too.

[kml]

You know what? Talk to your doctor. I'm sure they can bend the rules to allow both your mom and your H in the delivery room if you explain the circumstances to them.

I would be tempted to say keep H out of the room, but I'm afraid it would make you look bad in court. So let him be there to see his baby be born, but have your mom there for you, as you cannot count on H.

I think you were perfectly justified in what you said about OW and it was perfectly put.

Ellie