Here's the recap - W moved out in October 07 after saying "ILYBINILWY". I did all the wrong stuff, then found DB in November and worked my butt off, but nothing got better. Found out about OM in Jan 08 - PA from summer 07 that had become EA. From end of January to beginning of March there were a lot of back and forths, including W moving back into house for 2 weeks. But she wouldn't put any energy into anything and kept saying she "didn't understand her feelings but couldn't deny them." So she asked me to wait 6 months while she tried a R with OM. I said no so she asked for D. She filed at the end of April.
So before my last thread locked I had just decided to go dark. W has continued sleeve-tugging - she recognizes we can communicate extremely well and she misses that, so stops by every now and then for long conversations. I finally told her that maybe down the road we could be friends, but not right now. She said she understood and we haven't spoken since. She leaves for 3 weeks at the end of this week.
I'm hoping that going dark will either help her see what she is missing by losing our R or help me get over my emotional connection to her. Moving forward!
OM doesn't seem to be so much of an issue these days. Don't know what's going on with her EA with him. I accept he was a symptom and not the cause of our marital problems, but I place the blame for not being able to address our problems squarely on my W's involvement with him. By not being able to "deny her feelings" she refused to do anything to make our M better, to see how things could change despite my repeated efforts. So I've stopped trying - going dark is just the last piece of that I guess.
Final thought. Our situation is a repeat of something that happened 9 years ago and it's a little scary how identical everything is. I looked through my old letters last night and 7 months into things at that time, she said she had suddenly realized she still cared for me and missed me, but felt detached from her instincts, emotions, and reactions. She said she felt totally relieved when she ended things with me and was sad for what we'd shared and was still trying to figure out what she was missing from me that made her interested in someone else. But her way of dealing with things is to clear everything out and be alone. She said she spent too much time alone growing up to be able to compromise. She wants what she wants and she doesn't think she's willing to compromise her vision of the future. She said she was happy doing what she was doing and she was afraid of anyone else depending on her for anything, even love. She then concluded asking if I could see that it hurt her too, but she just wasn't ready to be with me and she was excited to try things with OM, though she couldn't believe she really was, but she still wanted to see and talk with me.
Fast forward 9 years. She says she's happy doing what she's doing. She wants what she wants and doesn't want to compromise her vision of the future. She still cares for and misses me and hopes she can still see and talk with me, but she wasn't able to go back and be with me.
I can't help but think the next step is for her to start missing our R. Time will tell - 9 years ago the thing that made her come back to me was going out to the field and thinking about me and being alone. When she finally saw OM, she realized what a big mistake it was. I don't think the same thing will happen, though, because last time we weren't having marital problems - there were no bad memories for her to cling to whereas this time there are.
Based on how well you're handling things, and based on your wife's prior history, I have little doubt she's going to want to come back. I specifically like how you're pulling away the "best friendship" thing that she seems to crave from you.
The question will be, when she does, will it be too late, and will you even WANT her back?
Yep - that's the big unknown. In both instances she chose to sleep with a co-worker rather than confront the issues that were making her unhappy in our R. Before, I chalked that up to the fact that I was her first serious R and she didn't know what it was like to be with someone else. This time it shows that she's incapable of being in a mature long-term R. As much as I love her, and I do love her, I can't deny that unless she does some serious self-examination and work, the same thing will happen again and again.
Just to answer your question from last night, I was a foreign exchange student for a year right out of high school. I have gone back 5 times since. I've stayed really close to my sister in the family. Now I just need to get here to visit me, though she has been here 3 times!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
lodo, I'm having a hard time putting my finger on it but I sense that you have some type of urgency to make a change. I think going dark and withdrawing the friend connection should have happened a while ago when you got your own place. IMO if you go dark right now it will look you are pouting about her birthday party. Have you heard anything about that? How was it?
Don't try and force something to change and don't make a change to try and get a reaction. That's a mind game.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Don't try and force something to change and don't make a change to try and get a reaction. That's a mind game.
I agree with some of this. I think going dark could be a good idea, but I think I agree with WCW that your motivation should be to help you "detach" (gotta put that in every post!) and help you. But sometimes I think I have mixed motivations it's for me and try to help our R, so I guess I'm not perfect!!! Oh, well! Karen
You're right - I should have gone dark awhile ago. But I don't think it'll look like pouting about her party. I told her I needed to stop seeing her after she came by my office and wanted to catch up on what each of us is doing. After that is when I sent an email calling off our lunch date and telling her now is not a good time to try and be friends - maybe after the D is final, but she wanted to pursue R with OM.
Didn't hear anything. She leaves for 3 weeks in the field next weekend. I'm not forcing, I'm trying to protect myself.
I guess I realize that she's intent on NOT making this work. I realized in going over events 9 years ago that at that time she was also intent on not making things work but then she relaxed and allowed herself to spend the day with me. We had a lot of fun and connected as usual and that's what made the difference. This time that is the one thing she's been absolutely adamant about - no activities together.
So I'm going dark to try and not think about her and what she's doing, but focus on myself and what I'm doing. The long friendly conversations she kept initiating was allowing her to get the best parts of me without investing back. IMO.
In both instances she chose to sleep with a co-worker rather than confront the issues that were making her unhappy in our R. Before, I chalked that up to the fact that I was her first serious R and she didn't know what it was like to be with someone else. This time it shows that she's incapable of being in a mature long-term R. As much as I love her, and I do love her, I can't deny that unless she does some serious self-examination and work, the same thing will happen again and again.
I think that's all true. She would have to realize her patterns (does she do you think?) and work on them, maybe IC and MC. I do think people can change though; have had some alcoholics in my family quit, and I myself have changed a lot this past year. People can grow & change definitely. But she would have to really show you by her actions. Karen
Karen, I think she does need to address her issues, but I worry sometimes that I've focused too much on that lately, so that she may feel accused at a time when she should have been noticing my changes. I don't know.
Just more mental regurgitation...
Have been thinking about what I've seen on threads all over these boards and re-analyzing my own sitch. I know - perfect way to drive yourself crazy and that's what I'm doing.
I guess I read these other things and have these waves of regret about not DBing properly. There were so many things I could have done differently. I could have been firmer when her A was revealed. I could have chosen a better MC. I could have made sure with absolute certainty that she knew exactly what I was willing to do to save our M not through words but actions. I could have been the greener grass.
But in DBing better, you can also lose sight of what you deserve, and I need to really think about what that means. For years now I've always stifled my own opinions in favor of hers. I grew tired of initiating intimacy and sex because she never would start things or tell me what she liked. I hated feeling that she asked others to respect her needs but wouldn't respect similar needs when others asked her - she has little empathy but is focused on herself.
We're best friends and communicate very well. But maybe the R is essentially dysfunctional and I need to fully understand that in order to not find another like it. Yet I see others who are in much more dysfunctional relationships and they find ways to make it work.
I guess it comes down to 1 thing alone - are there 2 people willing to be in the relationship, or only one?
NOBODY does these things without making mistakes. In fact, NOBODY knows what the right thing to do in a particular sitch is, even if you know the principles behind it. So don't kick yourself on that point. But isn't the point to make changes in yourself. The secondary effect may be that it is the catalyst for change in your spouse, but you have no control over that. The question in your mind, if I hear you correctly is not what you should do, as it is conflict over whether you would be receptive to a change in W (if it were to happen) after everything that has happened. None of us can answer that for you.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
and help you. But sometimes I think I have mixed motivations it's for me and try to help our R, so I guess I'm not perfect!!! 
Karen