Not much input from the board, expect for Puppy Dog Tails opinion that my W is having an A. I tend to agree with him. I believe that is in an EA at this time but that my W is obsessed with the OM in a mental/emotional fantasy. Nothing that I can do about it except for DBing and presenting a better option.
Had kid activities and a family activity (instead of GAL - coaches suggestion. W was crabby and snappy (especially at the kids). Validated and complimented and actually got a kind response or two. We will be apart next two days and together all day Sunday. I plan to be LRT dim until Sunday and try to recharge.
Not much input from the board, expect for Puppy Dog Tails opinion that my W is having an A. I tend to agree with him. I believe that is in an EA at this time but that my W is obsessed with the OM in a mental/emotional fantasy. Nothing that I can do about it except for DBing and presenting a better option.
Not true at all, Eagle. There are LOTS of things you can do; various approaches. It all depends on how much fallout you can personally withstand, and how long you feel you can hold out with the more passive approaches.
I really don't think a direct confrontation would help. The EA is very long distance and seems intermittent. It has actaully helped me to feel less guilt about the M failing. I am giving all the evidence to my L. What do you think would help? She is already divorcing me so I don't know what could be worse. She started very distant and aloof (2-3 Weeks), then horribly angry (2-3 Weeks) now almost friendly and talkative (like I am a casual friend). Things are very calm right now and I am concerned about going back into the intense anger mode. You are right about the entitlement queen thing. She thinks that everyone "owes" her.
Yesterday and today have been better with W. I have been LRT except for kid issues or when I am forced to ineract. Then I am confident, validating and humorous. She expressed jeaulousy again today about my GAL activities. I am trying to be more mysterious about the GAL items. The less I tell, the more interested she gets. She definitely wants me at home pining for her.
I see us getting into a solid stage two at this time. It may never go further but it is more livable in the cohabitating separation and is a good basis for coparenting. Stage 3 might never happen.
We have a family vacation planned in two weeks that she kept as planned with the 4 of us. The tickets were just booked this week and that seems like a slightly good sign.
It was an eye opening weekend. I found significant evidence that my W has been having an EA/PA for some time. The whole D is based on this. It hurts that she has been cheating but also that she has blamed me for the D while lying about the A. I think that her stages in the S are from how the A is going and nothing to do with me at all. It looks like DBing may be over with in many ways. I am very hurt and wonder what to do. I will be as dim/dark as possible and try to get my PMA together. At some point I will need to switch to the infidelity forum.......
I would appreciate any advise on how to swallow this news and keep it together.
Hi Eagle, I am soooo sorry that you have to go through this. It is one thing to suspect that your Sp is having an A but when it is actually confirmed, it is one of the most devastating things a Sp can ever go through.
Originally Posted By: Eagle 2
It looks like DBing may be over with in many ways. I am very hurt and wonder what to do.
If you have any hope of saving your M you need to continue DBing. You have to make yourself the better option. A's are an addiction and fantasy which usually fizzle out within a few months anyhow. If you can hang in there you may still have a chance of turning things around. You will get a lot of good advice on the Infidelity forum.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Eagle - I just read this thread - so sorry about your discovery. I know exactly how you feel but I'm here to tell you - there is hope. My husband wants to move back in now after a year separation and nearly a 4 year roller coaster ride with his number 2 at work. We have a long way to go but I believe this stuff works. I read something that the devastation of an affair is actually worse on our emotional state than the death of our spouse. Death is something we can't prevent (unless we cause it). An affair leaves us with all the same grief an impact of death but with an added layer that it might be our fault, that if only we.... etc. And, we keep reliving this crap over and over. Just keep in mind - you may be responsible for a chunk of your marital problems - but the affair is NOT YOUR FAULT. She chose that herself. It helped me to think of my spouse as ill or injured. If someone we love has a broken leg, we don't just leave them to their own devises and hope the leg gets better. A spouse in the midst of an affair is experiencing a major lapse of reason and judgement - like they suddenly become ill. Maybe that's an exaggeration but hearing him talk now about his actions and delusions confirms that he really was sick in some ways. As to your actions - my humble advice is - got out with girl friends if you have any. If you don't, find one. Just friends - maybe more than one - not anything more. Find some that think you're cute or fun and can REMIND you that you are a terrific person. If you're outgoing enough or have a sister or something who can help - tell them what you need to hear. Tune out everyting right now except how smart, attractive, funny - whatever YOU are! As you will discover - this will help tremendously! Focus only on you and your kids. Forget everything else. Your spouse is merely a casual bystander in your life... sort of an acquaintance - treat her like this - like you care just enough to keep the casual friendship going. Good Luck!
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
I appears that the A can help me in the D legally. I am focusing on:
1. My Kids - and getting the best custody deal that I can. 2. The Legal Aspects of the D. 3. My Health - trying to take my meds, eat, etc.
I am being very dim/dark with my W. I do not want to stay married to her anymore. I am trying focus on getting the best D deal that I can - as soon as I can. I feel much better when she is not around. I just wish that she would spend some time with the kids.
Everyone told me that my W was having an A. My Lawyer, My Marriage Counselor, My Family and My Pastor all told me that she was based on her behaviour but I would not believe it. Now I know.
At this point I am in D Accelerating not D Busting.
[quote]I do not want to stay married to her anymore. I am trying focus on getting the best D deal that I can - as soon as I can.[quote]
Eagle, only you can decide when you no longer want to save the M. Having the A confirmed is devastating - try not to make any rash decisions right now. You may feel differently in a couple of weeks. Whatever you decide, you need to look out for your and kids' best interests.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Eagle, An affair is so difficult to absorb and it feels like every thread in the fabric of your being, your life, everything you believed in is unraveling. I know, I was there. Maybe you don't want to hear anything right now except you are doing the right thing to get divorced. The only person who can decide that is you. I decided that, too at one point. There were plenty of people around willing to tell me I had every right to be divorced. I even talked to a lawyer and thank God he was a person who happened to be in the midst of a midlife crisis who suggested I wait. I talked to divorced people - lots of them. Friends, colleagues, people I barely knew. There's no shortage of divorce stories. With the exception of one woman who was battered and another whose husband was schizophrenic and refused help - ALL - of them regretted it. Sure, some will tell you what you want to hear at first - but when I dug deep with them I discovered that they ALL talked about the LIFELONG pain of a broken family and how it's far worse than the temporary pain of an affair. Affairs go away - almost ALL of them end. Holidays, birthdays, drop offs and pick ups and separate finances and sold homes and regrets - stay with us for the rest of our lives. This is the reality of divorce. All I'm suggesting is - you don't have to do anything right away. Addie is right - you can ALWAYS get divorced. They are quick and easy. You might not always have the power to repair your family. It doesn't feel like it at this moment - but trust me- you have that power right now. It takes incredible strength and you have it! If you didn't, you wouldn't be on this site and you wouldn't have done what you've done already!! You are in my thoughts, Eagle. You are a good husband, father and person. No matter what you do next - keep that in your mind and heart.
Me: 41 H: 50 M: 15 years S14-D12-D10 S: 05/07 Back home: 08/08 EA: 4 yrs
I am really focusing on the legal aspects of the D. She filed and I cannot stop it. I can can accelerate it by early mediation and by agreeing to waive the mimimum separation time. I can slow it down by forcing litigation. Right now I am trying to get her to agree to early mediation. She was all for that a month ago but now has cold feet. Maybe it is reverse physchology DB.
I would love to stay married and keep my family together but that would mean that she would have to end the A and cancel the D in the next 90-120 days. This is unlikely at best. She is realizing that she will be financially devastated after the D but she is in love and that doesn't matter. She realizes that the kids will be hurt but she is in love and that doesn't matter. She may very well run off and leave me with the kids. It is a 50/50 bet that she will.
The A has hurt tremendously but it has also forced the final detachment. I am confidently moving away from our R and her. I am building strength by focusing on the D details. It also removed 99% of the guilt I had about the D. I am not acting on emotion. In fact, for the first time, I am acting w/o emotion.
The only thing that I can really do at this point is continue to DB and optimize the D settlement. I have not decided to accelerate (which be very anti DB) but may if I get the deal that I seek.
God accepts D for adultery but does not mandate it. He wants reconciliation. I have/am trying but my task was much harder than I knew. I will keep praying and DBing but keeping the D settlement as number 1 priority.
