SC...your swag is greatly appreciated and from a womans stand point is what I need especially from one who has felt that pain and can shoot straight from the hip. The heads up from Mike and ping1 helped me prepare for her going that direction so I had plenty of time to get my head right, the odd thing was I have.. thanks to this board and people like your self and reading the books and reading other sitch's and believing in the principles of Michele I felt at ease when we talked and realizing my faults made it more comfortable discussing her issues and validating them.
She made the comment that I was answering her slowly and that I seemed to be choosen the right words to which I replied no not at all I am just actually listening to you and speaking from the heart.
You have explained things very clearly to be able to formulate a plan in which to follow, thank you for taking your time to read this and post...
Hey Brian, okay, first off, my disclaimer...I am not a professional. I am a woman. This is all simply my best swag (sophisticated wild *ss guess). Take it for what it's worth, ponder, then make your own choices, & the best of luck brotha. LOL (sorry, couldn't resist)
<<She started off with, "you seem so happy now, when I saw you at soccer games or the other day at Mickie D's you have been so upbeat about things, was I such a bi**h to live with that now that I am gone you're happier w/o me?"
This is female speak for "tell me I'm not a bitch, & that you're not happier without me".
<<I said, "I can see how you would feel that way, but honestly it has nothing to do with that."
This said to her "I can see how you think you're a bitch & there may be another woman in my life".
<<She said, "I must have really been a thorn in your ars for you to be sooo happy now."
Female speak for; "Please tell me that I wasn't a pain in your ars".
<< I said, "I am dealing with the sitch that has been dealt and am working on some things I didn't like about me, my position on this has not changed as I have told you before."
This is excellent. Good job, high five dude. Score bonus points for consistency.
<<She says, "as I said the other night I really am working through this and trying to find myself & what went wrong (I validate), but I made my bed and now I must lie in it and think it is too late cause you seem to be moving on." (Is she at the same website I am at WTF?) I chose not to answer on this one and we moved on.
she's saying "What the hell have I done & is this really what I want". and "what if I've lost you, then what".
<<She then proceeds to apologize for the things she has done and that she knows she has really put us in a BIG financial crunch, but she just didn't know what else to do she said, "it was flight or fight" (SC/Gypsy spot on) She goes on to say, "it wasn't just about us it was about the kids & it was probably a bad decision to move but I was just lost, I am not happy in my job or what I am doing."
female thinking, it was the last straw, everything piled up & I bailed out.
<<I have thought all along it might be abit of MLC on her part and was just tieing everything up into 1 large ball of anger.
bonus points for you.
<<She said, "the anger was just eating me up and it was slowly killing me, I know that I treated you so badly the last 9 months and it rubbed off on the kids I am sooo sorry for that, I don't blame you for moving on." I chose to answer here, may not have been up to Db standards but I said, "I have told you in the past my stance & that is to stand for our marriage, I have no time line (bad gives her room to play limbo) you asked for space I did not stop you, the only thing I asked was that you not make decisions on the basis of your 'pride' & not being able to say you might have been wrong, it is okay to be wrong and not to judge my actions as any type of a sign." (I know that was wrong).
that was all fine from my book. Nobody wants to play limbo, they want to make sure they make a good decision this time cause they f'd it up last time.
<<I told her that in the next week or 2 we would have to sit down and discuss the direction of the house as she now knows and admits that there is noway I can afford it alone, and she feels terrible for signing a years lease on the place she is in now so she agreed to this. The second thing was I asked her if she would be willing to consider a time frame in the near future that we could sit down and reevaluate where we are at and discuss a direction, to which she agreed.
I understand the financial stuff can't wait, but the R talk, stop this right now. Wait, watch. Let her tell you when she wants to sit down & re-evaluate. Let her run the show.
<<She did say she was feeling better but that she had a long road to go to figure things out, I said simply that's fine for now.
Women ALWAYS feel better after a conversation in which they have been heard, validated & supported.
My advice; (I don't know how it matches up with DB principles, I know that I'm still with my H because he said all these things below hundreds of times, over 12 months to me)
When she brings up the R, or the lease, or the mistakes, or how she screwed things up, or the bed she made, or anything, you say
"I'm not going anywhere, you take the time you need to figure out what you really want long-term. I want you to be happy with or without me. (that one sucks I know) Our family is the most important thing in my life, & I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy".
Then you wait some more.
okay ?
hugs.
IMO--you are the chittt..and that's a big compliment..not a cut or 2x4.
This was excellant.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 06/12/0810:05 AM.
Aren't we all lucky to have each other at this moment in time?
"I'm not going anywhere, you take the time you need to figure out what you really want long-term. I want you to be happy with or without me. (that one sucks I know) Our family is the most important thing in my life, & I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy".
Just reading what cookie's husband said makes me feel safe, calm down and eases the confusion in my brain.
As great as this board is, working with a qualified therapist is even better. The good ones help you get out of your own way, heal and make those positive changes in life that are yours to keep.
This place has been a outlet for despair, learning, sharing and finding my way.
Everything you do right now that helps you become a better person BUILDS. This is the time to use everything at your disposal... therapist, online counseling, friends here, books, support groups... EVERYTHING.
You look at our cookie. This woman hasn't gotten to where she is alone. She reads a zillion books, works harder in therapy.. goes farther, deeper, applies what she learns, throws in the towel, has the towel picked up by another and keeps on going.
As crazy, horrible, emotional, terrible this time is...
This is a GIFT...
Your wife has given you a gift.
The same way a pine cones need a raging fire to release the seeds, so does this new growth begin.
Aren't we all lucky to have each other at this moment in time?
"I'm not going anywhere, you take the time you need to figure out what you really want long-term. I want you to be happy with or without me. (that one sucks I know) Our family is the most important thing in my life, & I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy".
Just reading what cookie's husband said makes me feel safe, calm down and eases the confusion in my brain.
As great as this board is, working with a qualified therapist is even better. The good ones help you get out of your own way, heal and make those positive changes in life that are yours to keep.
This place has been a outlet for despair, learning, sharing and finding my way.
Everything you do right now that helps you become a better person BUILDS. This is the time to use everything at your disposal... therapist, online counseling, friends here, books, support groups... EVERYTHING.
You look at our cookie. This woman hasn't gotten to where she is alone. She reads a zillion books, works harder in therapy.. goes farther, deeper, applies what she learns, throws in the towel, has the towel picked up by another and keeps on going.
As crazy, horrible, emotional, terrible this time is...
This is a GIFT...
Your wife has given you a gift.
The same way a pine cones need a raging fire to release the seeds, so does this new growth begin.
It's a wake up call for everyone.
Those who lose hit the snooze.
*hugs*
Racefan--you just don't know how lucky you are at the moment.
SC and Gypsy tag teaming you..
they are the "stuff" in my book..A1.
Do me a favor. Don't let your pride or stubborness or being a DAM get in your way here. Do you understand me?
Put yourself to the side right now. Your feelings, your emotions. Show her that you can put her first. By your actions.
This is a really good chance for you.
She's reaching out a bit. Now you have to show her you're there when she comes calling, with no pressure.
Don't let being a man keep you from this. That's the only thing that will stop you.
A second chance if at its slimest possiblities only comes around once in a life time. I truly am forunate in that she went out of the 'norm' and opened up to me in a non hostile manner. I have been given a 'gift' and trust me that I know it must be respected and nutured it is at this time that I must be more than just 'humble' I must be that in its truest and purest form. I chose early on not to be angry with her as I felt SC & Gypsy gave me a 'gift' of transparency of themselves that they didn't have to do but chose to 'pay it forward' and show me W's inner battle. I have no pride at the moment that has been taken away and replaced with humility the only true pride I have is when I stand next to my W and kids this I realize now and hopefully not too late.
Mike, I am far from out of the woods yet this is a long journey we are all on, believe me when I say I take nothing for granted I have done that for too long my friend. To get such wise advice and opinions from people here is truly a godsent and no matter how this turns out that in its on right and the people here on the boards I will cherish for the remainder of my life.
Brian, keep doing what you are doing, your W will be opening up even more to you in a short time. She is now wondering just what she has done and is having regrets. Be strong through this, make her contact you, she will soon enough. I can see that this is eating her up inside right now. She has gone from the normal WAW to one that is showing regrets. You are in a very good place right now.
Mike, I am far from out of the woods yet this is a long journey we are all on, believe me when I say I take nothing for granted I have done that for too long my friend.
Are you saying you can't see the "Forrest" for the trees in SmartCookie's post..LOL
No, you're not out of the woods yet but the reason for me "yelling" at SC was to get a Woman's perspective.
You and I and every DAM here have proven from our past that we did not know anything at all about women. We are both learning, some of us faster than others.
The reason for my post to you. You have a really good chance. I saw it early on. We all see it. Only you can show her.
Now, SC put you on the path through the "Forrest" lol..I swear man, you get off that path and I'll personally swing through Raleigh NC, pick my heavy up(ping1) and we'll flail your legs and upper body with golf clubs.
"just do this"
Now, stand back and observe as SC said.
She will be coming back. You have to be ready.
Be prepared for "good" W and be prepared for "bad" W.
IMO--you are the chittt..and that's a big compliment..not a cut or 2x4.
This was excellant.
Why thank you sir, I do try. (in my best southern drawl)
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
