"Do you think she would go to MC. The house issue is sticky..anyway for her to get out of that lease?? She sure sounds on the fence and that she's worried your moving on. It looks like you handled this OK."
As with most WAS that is something she adamantly says no way to. As far as the lease I think it is definitely something to look into loop hole maybe or just some understanding landlord possibly. The fence I really agree she seems to be teetering but is firm on working on herself so will leave it be for now. She is very concerned IMO she referenced it so many times last night
"She is reaching out a bit. When do you think you could meet her??"
I told her a week but am now thinking I should maybe mover it up to a specific time.
"I wonder what would have happened if you had reached out to her a bit??"
I don't know I really can't get a feel I don't want to push her away with her seeming in such a seesaw frame of mind makes me nervous like a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin chairs...
"Is there anyway you could ramp up the friendship at all? Without being pushy??"
Honestly it crossed my mind to ask her to go with me and the kids weds night out to eat for my b-day, what do you think?
"I don't like the fact that she thinks you may be moving on.."
This is what has me worried and why I told her in the convo that I have no 'time line' and still 'committed' it seems my being happy really is screwing up her mind which obviously was not my intention I just am finding a part place with myself and accepting what will be will be
Brian, that all sounds really really good. Too bad you can't give her my phone #. I could share with her where things could be 12 months from now.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
"Do you think she would go to MC. The house issue is sticky..anyway for her to get out of that lease?? She sure sounds on the fence and that she's worried your moving on. It looks like you handled this OK."
As with most WAS that is something she adamantly says no way to. As far as the lease I think it is definitely something to look into loop hole maybe or just some understanding landlord possibly. The fence I really agree she seems to be teetering but is firm on working on herself so will leave it be for now. She is very concerned IMO she referenced it so many times last night
"She is reaching out a bit. When do you think you could meet her??"
I told her a week but am now thinking I should maybe mover it up to a specific time.
"I wonder what would have happened if you had reached out to her a bit??"
I don't know I really can't get a feel I don't want to push her away with her seeming in such a seesaw frame of mind makes me nervous like a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin chairs...
"Is there anyway you could ramp up the friendship at all? Without being pushy??"
Honestly it crossed my mind to ask her to go with me and the kids weds night out to eat for my b-day, what do you think?
"I don't like the fact that she thinks you may be moving on.."
This is what has me worried and why I told her in the convo that I have no 'time line' and still 'committed' it seems my being happy really is screwing up her mind which obviously was not my intention I just am finding a part place with myself and accepting what will be will be
Thanks Mike
Brian
yep, she regrets taking the lease out..It's funny, don't know what to make of this convo. Did you leave anything at all out? Did you say anyhting more than just make noises..HUMMM, un huh...??
When is the last time you talked MC?
Quote:
it seems my being happy really is screwing up her mind which obviously was not my intention I just am finding a part place with myself and accepting what will be will be
well, the 180's, "act if" is supposed to screw with them a bit and give them pause..make them think.
If you are taking the kids then I see no problem with giving her an invite.
how's it going? Been meaning to get back to your thread just haven't made it but will get there. I appreciate your sediments I am abit leary and cautious these are very terribled waters I am in 1 wrong move can bring it crashing in on me, I just keep hoping for the best and rely HEAVILY on the people on this board to guide me and get me to question myself before reacting. I just keep saying to myself no expectations...
Brian, I am glad for you right now. Your W has done something that many other's do not do, she opened up to you about her feelings and is having regrets about what she has done. This is great in my opinion.
As far as the lease goes, you can probably get her out of it, I believe if they are told about the situation, they will only hold her to the deposit put down and will cancel the lease, at least this is what I find in many areas to be the case.
Had you and Mike not warned me before hand I think I would have tried to steer away from the R talk, but with expecting it I wasn't taken off guard so I was able to think clearly for the most part you 2 were spot on. This is the most she has shown to me in months that wasn't venom or split green pea soup spit at me. I know I need to stay low in expectations and will. I think you may have a point on the lease something to consider if things keep going forward.
I have to run out for a couple of hours, but I'm pondering this, & want to re-read it more carefully.
For now, do nothing. Say nothing. Don't bring up the lease. If she mentions R, reassure that nothing has been done that can't be un-done, in time.
Mention that you & the kids are going to dinner & she's invited. Don't say whether the kids want her or you.
Dont push, No matter what. This could be real regret, this could be reality hitting her, it could be hormones. Sit still.
Do you fish ? Right now you're fishing. Be patient.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Hey Brian, okay, first off, my disclaimer...I am not a professional. I am a woman. This is all simply my best swag (sophisticated wild *ss guess). Take it for what it's worth, ponder, then make your own choices, & the best of luck brotha. LOL (sorry, couldn't resist)
<<She started off with, "you seem so happy now, when I saw you at soccer games or the other day at Mickie D's you have been so upbeat about things, was I such a bi**h to live with that now that I am gone you're happier w/o me?"
This is female speak for "tell me I'm not a bitch, & that you're not happier without me".
<<I said, "I can see how you would feel that way, but honestly it has nothing to do with that."
This said to her "I can see how you think you're a bitch & there may be another woman in my life".
<<She said, "I must have really been a thorn in your ars for you to be sooo happy now."
Female speak for; "Please tell me that I wasn't a pain in your ars".
<< I said, "I am dealing with the sitch that has been dealt and am working on some things I didn't like about me, my position on this has not changed as I have told you before."
This is excellent. Good job, high five dude. Score bonus points for consistency.
<<She says, "as I said the other night I really am working through this and trying to find myself & what went wrong (I validate), but I made my bed and now I must lie in it and think it is too late cause you seem to be moving on." (Is she at the same website I am at WTF?) I chose not to answer on this one and we moved on.
she's saying "What the hell have I done & is this really what I want". and "what if I've lost you, then what".
<<She then proceeds to apologize for the things she has done and that she knows she has really put us in a BIG financial crunch, but she just didn't know what else to do she said, "it was flight or fight" (SC/Gypsy spot on) She goes on to say, "it wasn't just about us it was about the kids & it was probably a bad decision to move but I was just lost, I am not happy in my job or what I am doing."
female thinking, it was the last straw, everything piled up & I bailed out.
<<I have thought all along it might be abit of MLC on her part and was just tieing everything up into 1 large ball of anger.
bonus points for you.
<<She said, "the anger was just eating me up and it was slowly killing me, I know that I treated you so badly the last 9 months and it rubbed off on the kids I am sooo sorry for that, I don't blame you for moving on." I chose to answer here, may not have been up to Db standards but I said, "I have told you in the past my stance & that is to stand for our marriage, I have no time line (bad gives her room to play limbo) you asked for space I did not stop you, the only thing I asked was that you not make decisions on the basis of your 'pride' & not being able to say you might have been wrong, it is okay to be wrong and not to judge my actions as any type of a sign." (I know that was wrong).
that was all fine from my book. Nobody wants to play limbo, they want to make sure they make a good decision this time cause they f'd it up last time.
<<I told her that in the next week or 2 we would have to sit down and discuss the direction of the house as she now knows and admits that there is noway I can afford it alone, and she feels terrible for signing a years lease on the place she is in now so she agreed to this. The second thing was I asked her if she would be willing to consider a time frame in the near future that we could sit down and reevaluate where we are at and discuss a direction, to which she agreed.
I understand the financial stuff can't wait, but the R talk, stop this right now. Wait, watch. Let her tell you when she wants to sit down & re-evaluate. Let her run the show.
<<She did say she was feeling better but that she had a long road to go to figure things out, I said simply that's fine for now.
Women ALWAYS feel better after a conversation in which they have been heard, validated & supported.
My advice; (I don't know how it matches up with DB principles, I know that I'm still with my H because he said all these things below hundreds of times, over 12 months to me)
When she brings up the R, or the lease, or the mistakes, or how she screwed things up, or the bed she made, or anything, you say
"I'm not going anywhere, you take the time you need to figure out what you really want long-term. I want you to be happy with or without me. (that one sucks I know) Our family is the most important thing in my life, & I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy".
Then you wait some more.
okay ?
hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I could share with her where things could be 12 months from now.