Normally I'd agree with your approach and getting everything out in the open, except I really get a walk-away wife vibe from his wife. She seems to be saying and doing all the things that seem like a woman that is not feeling in love right now, and so I suggested minimizing and toning down the pursuing behaviors to give her some breathing room.
Mules, I agree with Bworl. There is nothing to feel like a bad parent about. You're doing what you can and you haven't forgotten the importance of your kids. One part you wrote, "trying so hard with my wife", did strike me. It's what I've been feeling...that you are trying too hard and driving her further away.
Just a sidenote about the kids. While I have hope for you and want you to succeed, keep in mind that it's your wife that needs to decide to actually be in this marriage and she may not decide to go that route. Your kids will pretty much always be there...they won't likely walk away from you. So nurture that relationship. Stand by them. Continue to be there for them. This is a time when more than one relationship can be destroyed...be sure that if nothing else, you still have the one with your boys.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
It just seems that when she mentions these things she is looking for advice from me - if she takes that approach - how should I handle it?
How about just sympathizing with no follow-up suggestions. "I'm really sorry you feel that way. I know things are tough for you right now." STOP (don't say, "is there something I can do?" or "it may help to x,y, or z"). You could try nodding or making sympathetic sounds.
Even when she said she wanted a separation you tried to fix-it; you called the lawyer. You could have just left it as, "I understand how you could feel that way." or just said, "I understand". Let her deal with the legalities if she wants to.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Just because she said she wants to work on the marriage doesn't mean you have to apply so much pressure. It feels to me like you are hovering around her, "what's wrong, can I help", babying her, being excessively nice, and Mr. helpful. You talk about the status of the R too much. It just seems like too much to me and I'm not surprised she's feeling down about it; she's forced to stare her feelings in the face all the time.
Hey Phoenix - Thanks for pointing this out. I just reread some of my posts and realize you are absolutely right. I will back off big time.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
How about just sympathizing with no follow-up suggestions. "I'm really sorry you feel that way. I know things are tough for you right now." STOP (don't say, "is there something I can do?" or "it may help to x,y, or z"). You could try nodding or making sympathetic sounds.
Ok - I will practice these on my own - especially the part about STOPPING.
Quote:
Even when she said she wanted a separation you tried to fix-it; you called the lawyer. You could have just left it as, "I understand how you could feel that way." or just said, "I understand". Let her deal with the legalities if she wants to.
How should I handle now?? I am meeting with a lawyer just because I think it's probably time - but i don't have to tell my W. Should I just tell her that I haven't gotten around to anything yet??
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
How should I handle now?? I am meeting with a lawyer just because I think it's probably time - but i don't have to tell my W. Should I just tell her that I haven't gotten around to anything yet??
It's okay...make it about you then. Go see the lawyer, it's wise anyway, and just get some initial consultative advise. If she asks, just tell your wife it was for you, so you could be more informed about the process, but you weren't planning to get the ball rolling, that it's up to her to do that.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
How should I handle now?? I am meeting with a lawyer just because I think it's probably time - but i don't have to tell my W. Should I just tell her that I haven't gotten around to anything yet??
It's okay...make it about you then. Go see the lawyer, it's wise anyway, and just get some initial consultative advise. If she asks, just tell your wife it was for you, so you could be more informed about the process, but you weren't planning to get the ball rolling, that it's up to her to do that.
[quote=mulesqbI'll have to stop with the advice. Definitely one of my faults. It just seems that when she mentions these things she is looking for advice from me - if she takes that approach - how should I handle it? [/quote]
I like:
"I'm sorry to see you're hurting. I'm afraid I don't have any answers for either one of us right now, but I do care."
"I'm sorry to see you're hurting. I'm afraid I don't have any answers for either one of us right now, but I do care."
Big ditto to this.
Also, part of the issue with WAWs is self-esteem. I think during this time it can be helpful to just let them formulate some plan and then affirm that it's a good one. Something like Puppy's "I'm afraid I don't have any answers", followed by, "what would you like to see us do?" and then say, "that's a good idea".
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Ok guys - I went to counseling by myself last night. MC listened to everything - my W has been coming with me for a while so MC is up to date. When I finished talking - she said that she wanted to give me some direction. She said that she still thinks this could work out. From what she has seen she thinks my W still loves me but she needs to see a psychiatric doctor. She said that is what she has been trying to get to with my W but needed to walk a fine line - push a little and then back off to try and get her to open up. Her plan had been to try and get my W to come in for IC (we were close to that at some point). She said she wasn't sure if she would have been able to get my W to that point but was going to continue to try.
Anyway, she recommended that we don't go right to a legal separation but back to the trial sep we did back in May. She said that we really need to stick it out longer. Her recommendation was 2 months. She said my W has a definite pattern that the minute she feels alone she pulls me back in. She said my W really needs some extended time alone to come to the realization that she has these issues that need to be addressed. She said when we get to this sep that I should not make myself so available to her in terms of taking her calls. She said to take some but don't always answer. She said after a while when I feel ready to recommit and my W makes the call to reconcile that i need to put my foot down and say only on the condition that she sees a doctor. The MC feels confident that my W at the point would consider doing it especially if I put it to her that way. What do you guys think?? It seemed to make a lot of sense to me (she said more, I don't remember everything). She went down this road because I asked her straight out with what she has seen and heard, is there any point in me sticking this out?? Or do I just need to come to the realization that my W doesn't love me anymore and move on? She said that I have a lot more power over my W than I think and that she does react to a lot of the things that I do.
Also - I am meeting with a lawyer today - just a meeting - no fee - just to find out about the process. Do you have any suggestions on what I should ask and look for??
Journal - last night I ended up making my son's baseball game after counseling. That got my W off the hook from going. I don't care - I really wanted to be there for my son. We had a great talk in the car on the way home. I told him how proud I was of him for his academic achievements and how he has the whole world out there for the taking. When I got home my W told me that she made dinner for me and all I had to do was heat it up. She asked if it was ok to go to the tanning salon with the neighbor's W. I said of course. When she left I went to heat up dinner (my W is an excellent cook and one of my fave's is this salmon dish she makes) and it just smelled terrible. So S10 hears me make this noise when I smell it and he starts laughing. He said that the neighbor's W came over and cooked while we were out. So I put the boys in the car and we went out - I got a hamburger and they had ice cream (they ate dinner with my W). It felt so good to be out with them - we were laughing and having fun like old times. S14 said to me that it's good to see his father back. That made me feel great.
We got home before my W. She has slept downstairs the last two nights. Last night she come sin and asks if she can have the checkbook to write a check for my nephew's graduation. I can't figure that on out. She absolutely hates my sis-in-law and really wants nothing to do with them. Why she thought of this at 10:30pm last night I can't figure out. Anytime I brought up this graduation she blew me off. I found that very odd.
This morning when I left - my W had that depressed look on her face again. I didn't acknowledge it and went about my biz and was very matter-of-fact about today. I made plans to go out with a close friend of mine tonight (My assistant coach for our travel b-ball team). When I was walking out the door she said there was a lot of salmon left over and she would probably just reheat for her and the kids. At least I got to laugh as I walked to the car - it feels good to laugh.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
