Been here for months - time to tell my story

[craig54]

mules, your wife and my wife are alot alike. there is a huge battle going on in their souls. alot of anger alot of confusion, just try and be patient.take your focus off your wife and what she is doing. i know how hard this is, i struggle all the time with it. everything your wife does makes it a roller coaster for you. change your focus. it will drive you crazy. i know.

[mulesqb]

You are not and have not been reconciling. You have been riding the rollercoaster that comes from being with a spouse who is in mid life crisis.

Thanks Bill - now i recognize this. But at the time she can be a very good actress and when she says what I want to hear, I fall hook, line and sinker.

Many spouses in MLC cycle back and forth between drawing us close and pushing us away. I think maybe part of it is that they are not sure about ANYTHING, and they don't want to finalize anything as a result. When your wife feels you pulling away or getting distant, she pulls you back to her with her words and actions. Once you are firmly with her again, she has to push you away because she's not ready to commit to renewing the relationship.

Boy does this feel like where we are at right now. This is what is frustrating me - I don't recognize it until after the fact.

You have to choose to not play. But the only way to do that is to continue working on detaching YOUR feelings from her words and actions. That's the power of detaching. Eventually you will convince yourself that none of what she's doing has anything to do with YOU, it's all about what's going on inside of HER.

It's a good thing to be shooting for because the benefits of real detachment are enormous. You will find that you don't cycle as much between the highs and lows. You will find that you gain a confidence, both in yourself as a person and in your ability to see this through. It's not emotional abandonment and it's not rejecting her. It's being honest in looking at the situation and taking only the blame that you deserve.

I really thought I was progressing towards this a few weeks ago, but now realize I wasn't even close. I would love to get there, it sounds like a great place to be right now.

MLC is a nightmare. Mostly because there is very little you can do to help her through it. What you can do is love her and try to understand that she's an internal mess.

Man, I really do feel so bad for her. She is a total mess. When she gets space all she does is either lay on our deck by the pool for hours or go with the neighbor's W. They barely even talk to each other, so it's very odd. My W also bad mouths her to me every now and then and complains that she is very moody.

Don't forget to be true to yourself and take care of yourself. I'm glad you are doing things with the boys, even if your wife does not participate.

This part I am really enjoying. I am getting so close with them. We are doing so much together right now. My wife even played a board game with my S7 the other night. It was great to see. When she wants to, she is AMAZING with them.

I would still pick a calm and peaceful moment and give her the book. I would explain that it is a story of another Christian woman who was struggling inside and didn't know why.

Definitely getting closer to giving it to her. I don't think she would have reacted well last week. If we continue to be civil this week - I will definitely do it.

There will be frustrating times, you're living them already. This board and other trusted friends are what you use to vent and release that frustration. Don't pour it out on her.

I still think that there are lots of hopeful signs. You just need to continue being the man, her rock, and take the lead. Remember, unconditional love is love without expectations.

Thanks Bill - I am understanding that I do have unconditional love for her. You just reminded me of one slip I made. She kept asking me why I am being so nice, and i finally said to her that i love her enough that if the choice for me was for her to stay with me for the rest of her life and be miserable or leave me and be happy - I would pick the happy route for her and deal with it. She got very emotional and told me 5 times that i don't make her miserable and that she is not miserable around me. I said that was probably a bad choice of words. She cried a lot the last few days. Honestly I wish i wasn't around when she does, because I hate to see her that way.

[mulesqb]

Craig - u got that right. Right now it is making me crazy. I am really trying to work on detaching. The problem is that we are still living together so everytime she gets emotional, she comes to me. I now feel like I am on her roller coaster - and believe me I want to get off. It is way too hard. I hope you are coping well. It's brutal - you feel like your life is on hold and time is standing still. I want to keep my family together but am losing my grip and trying to accept that. I have been able to focus on just our boys. But I know they are really hurting and don't want their parents to separate. I just try to have fun with them and keep their minds off of it.

[mulesqb]

FIB - I just wanted to let you know that I just read your entire thread. WOW! You have been through so much. My prayers are with you. I hope to never get to that point, but if I do, I have a model of behavior to follow. Keep your chin up.

[craig54]

mules, i agree with what bill said about the mlc's sucking you in and pushing you away. i see that in my wife.i never really thought of her being in a mlc, but after 9 months i must admit that is what she is in. it also goes hand in hand with my wife losing 110 lbs. she says , every so often, off hand, that we will have two seperate households. but she never actually does anything about it. like bill said, they cannot pull the trigger. my wife is so confused, she seems to always be tired, no patience at times. especially at her mother, her mother seems to be getting the brunt of all her anger. she rarely lays into me. i also have not given her any reason to lash out at me. i keep my mouth shut. mule, you can do this. ask God for guidance, he is the reason i have been able to live through this. just keep loving your kids.

[mulesqb]

Craig - Sorry to hear you have been going through this for so long. It does finally appear that my W is pulling triggers though. She is meeting with lawyers and then a doctor. I am hopeful about the doctor, but not so much with the lawyer. Same here though - my W is always tired and has no patience with the kids. She doesn't lash into me either. I am working on keeping my mouth shut.

[craig54]

mule, i just found out from my mother in law that my wife found out from her doctor that she is premenopauusal. along with the huge weight loss. this explains alot. try not to let what your wife's actions concerning the lawyer get you down. just because she see's one doesn't mean she is gooing to go through with it. my wife filed first set of d papers in feb. , has not really done anything with them since. the fact is no matter what she finally decides, i know i will survive. on the other hand, i am not so sure she will, based on her emotional stability. she seems on the edge. hang in there.

[mulesqb]

Craig - Has this news had any impact on your W?? My W lost 32 pounds through this. My W was crying to me last night saying that she is very vulnerable right now.

[craig54]

mule, my wife has never told me the doctor told her she was premenopausal. i talked to her about when she firts dropped the bomb. she would not even consider the possibility that it was something hormonal. she does not know that i know. i have no intention of bringing it up at this time. my wife lost her weight on weight watchers. it took her about 18 months. she looks great. over the last few months her drive to lose weight has weakened. in fact she has actually gained 10 lbs. she is not happy about it. a major stresser.