I guess this is all for the best. I failed her, and then she failed me. I'd always thought marriage was about helping each other get back up after you fall down, but I guess not. It's just a state of slowly getting on each other's nerves until one of you does something desperate to get out of the situation.
I can't believe it, but you're more depressed than me!!! I still think marriage is about helping you out, being together for better & worse not just better, etc. But I think we may have married people that don't think like that maybe? I still like to be optimistic about marriage, but if your spouse goes nuts, what can you do? I'm trying to figure that out.
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Part of the problem with DB, as I'm sure everyone on here has felt - both WAS & LBS - is, when do I feel respected? If I pour all this energy and emotion into the relationship, when does it get returned in a way I need? Why does it always have to be about the other person and their inability to deal with their issues, or work on things, or say no, or whatever.
Immediately. I was never respected by my H, and I do think he respects me now, if nothing else. Do you really think your W doesn't respect you? I don't think you should put too much energy into the relationship if your W doesn't return it; focus on you--I'm going to try to do that myself.
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And why do men and women understand each other so poorly?! Haven't we had a really long time to figure this out? I mean, I look back on my sitch and I have no clue what the best strategy would be. And it's over! In the movies, you'd chase after them and then look long into their eyes until they melted and everything was okay. In DB, you do the LRT and they start to understand what they're throwing away. In reality? Well. It's complicated and unclear and you may be doing the LRT when they just want you to call them.
But I don't think it's a woman/man thing--maybe a communication thing. I'd like to have a spouse that would just tell you stuff although from the talks I've had with my H, he didn't even know what he wanted to be able to tell me. So what can you do with someone that doesn't know what they want much less how to ask for it?
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Maybe marriage is unnatural - we should change partners every 10 years so that as we change our partners are in sync. Otherwise, we're all just in pain.
OK, that's how my H thinks, and my big bro recommends I do everything the opposite of what he suggests. I know you don't believe that, do you?
I'm not depressed. Am actually feeling more stable than have in a long while. Just trying to make sense of it all. I agree with you on most points, but am having a hard time seeing how things could actually work out in reality.
My W admittedly focuses primarily on herself. If she respected me, she wouldn't have slept with another man. If she respected me, she would have been remorseful if she couldn't help herself from sleeping with another man. If she respected me, she would have had empathy.
And it's not a communication thing, for us anyway. We communicate incredibly well - it's like an energy bond almost. We look at each other and we know what each other is thinking. And she still feels that, and so do I - I say that because she's told me. But she doesn't think that can sustain a R. It's just talk, right?
I don't know what I believe anymore. Just see so many people in pain and I wonder what the point is.
My H broke his leg and is with the OW--I asked him if he wanted to stay here, but no. I'm just tired of this kind of non-marriage I think. He's not even going to see the kids on Father's Day--I won't say what I think...you can imagine. Karen
D*mn. That's sad that he's so confused he won't even see his kids on father's day.
Yeah, he's really a different person than he was before the OW. He was always a good dad before, although it's hard to believe now. I wonder if he's changed for good, you know. If this is what he's going to be like always, yuck! K
hi lodo, sorry to hear about the separation signing. I don't hear depressed in your posting, I hear discouragement.
My grandma always said there is a lid for every pot.
As far as you having your say, being heard in this sitch... have you tried writing a letter to her saying all you want to say, adn then not sending it? Or send it depending on how final you want to make your parting.
Why is it so important to you that she hear your side of things when she clearly does not want to, does not care enough to listen?
Have you read any Richard Bach? Illusions? Bridge Across Forever?
And for the record, even though I have only known you for a few days.. I don't think you believe the part about changing partners every 10 years either.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I guess I AM discouraged. Getting out only does so much, though each time it gets a little better. Discovered an incredible nursery today - I was a little bit overwhelmed. Never made it out of the daisy/sunflower section.
I did write a letter awhile ago - posted it somewhere on my thread. I think it was right after she asked me to wait 6 months so she could try R with OM. Never sent it - it's still folded up and stuck in my journal.
I guess the things I want her to hear are all physical. I know how to make her feel special and how to make her feel like she can rise above the daily turmoil to a better place. But that's what she's battling and that's why I'm discouraged. It's physical, so we have to do something together. All along she's refused. Since last October she's only agreed to do 1 activity together - go skate skiing at Tahoe. It was fun, but when I later got the cell phone bill, I saw she'd called OM before she was even out of the parking lot. The communication is all there - it's a strong, almost opaque connection. What's lacking is the involvement in each other's lives. When I stressed this, she said she couldn't work on things with conditions, meaning she refused to stop seeing OM (who's involved in her Phd), and she only wanted to focus on her own life - she didn't want anyone depending on her for anything. And to answer your question, I want her to hear my side because I think she made a decision under maximum stress & emotional upheaval & as that settles I'd like to remind her that things don't have to stay the same. We aren't stuck in the past unless we choose to be.
I hope she comes back to an understanding of why compromise is needed in any relationship. Did we ever have this, though? I'm not sure. But why am I selling myself short by being willing to put up with this? Would you? Would she? I think the answer is no. She's selfish and can't make a relationship/marriage a priority.
Richard Bach - I haven't read him for years - Illusions was what I read.
Have we known each other only a few days?! So strange - never thought I'd be connecting with faceless people online...
Thanks for your thoughts and your insight, bridgestone. Your grandmother is right - there is a lid for every pot, even if it's a plate.
My W admittedly focuses primarily on herself. If she respected me, she wouldn't have slept with another man. If she respected me, she would have been remorseful if she couldn't help herself from sleeping with another man. If she respected me, she would have had empathy.
Watch out, you sound like me. I hope I am not contagious.
It is more than just the infidelity, though. It is W's persistence in continuing it even as she is telling me otherwise. Trust should be a four-letter word. The problem I see is how to develop trust in a future R. Geez, I see M's falling apart here after decades, so how can we ever be sure? How do you gauge integrity in the face of adversity?
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
It is more than just the infidelity, though. It is W's persistence in continuing it even as she is telling me otherwise.
gForce,
I can relate to this. When I first found out about my wife's affair, it was the infidelity itself that tore at me -- especially the sex. I was told at the time that, in time, the sex wouldn't even bother me as much as the DECEIT and the DISRESPECT would. I highly doubted that.
It was true.
To have the woman you love look you RIGHT IN THE EYE and just sit there and LIE to you hurt more than anything. Knowing where they were going when they were going out, and the total DISRESPECT that that entailed.
I still think marriage is about helping you out, being together for better & worse not just better, etc. But I think we may have married people that don't think like that maybe? I still like to be optimistic about marriage, but if your spouse goes nuts, what can you do? I'm trying to figure that out.