Part of the problem with DB, as I'm sure everyone on here has felt - both WAS & LBS - is, when do I feel respected? If I pour all this energy and emotion into the relationship, when does it get returned in a way I need? Why does it always have to be about the other person and their inability to deal with their issues, or work on things, or say no, or whatever.
Lodo,
I have asked myself this exact same thing. When is it your turn. Realistically no relationship is 50/50. Still doing all the WORK in a relationship makes you feel so tired after a while.
Me 48 H 54 Together 30 yrs M 29 yrs S 24 s 17 EA 10-2007 Denies it every happened
I can relate to this. When I first found out about my wife's affair, it was the infidelity itself that tore at me -- especially the sex. I was told at the time that, in time, the sex wouldn't even bother me as much as the DECEIT and the DISRESPECT would. I highly doubted that.
It was true.
To have the woman you love look you RIGHT IN THE EYE and just sit there and LIE to you hurt more than anything. Knowing where they were going when they were going out, and the total DISRESPECT that that entailed.
You are much better that I (as usual) at putting these feelings into words.
When W moved out, I told her that I had hoped she had enough respect for me and our M to wait until the D was final before continuing her physical R with OM. She promised to do so, but we know how much that promise was worth. Imagining the sex hurts, but you are right -- the deceit cuts much deeper.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Yes, it's the disrespect that hurts the worst. Realizing she has lost her respect for you. And then losing respect for her.
I don't even know if W is still in R with OM. If she is, it's either working well because he's as focused on work as she is so a casual fling is just the ticket, or he's starting to realize that she'll be there for him as little as she was for me.
I have to say - when W stopped by my office the other day I was a little taken aback. She'd already lost a lot of weight but it looks like she's lost more - her head almost looked too big for her body. And her breasts are miniscule. And her hair has this weird look to it - kind of a strange texture or something. A few months ago she said her periods were all over the place so it's hormones, but I was really surprised how different she looked.
it was the infidelity itself that tore at me -- especially the sex. I was told at the time that, in time, the sex wouldn't even bother me as much as the DECEIT and the DISRESPECT would. I highly doubted that.
So very true. Wow. So true. The betrayal, the disrespect, the insensitity. Hurts so much more.
[quote=lodo]I have to say - when W stopped by my office the other day I was a little taken aback. She'd already lost a lot of weight but it looks like she's lost more - her head almost looked too big for her body. And her breasts are miniscule. And her hair has this weird look to it - kind of a strange texture or something. A few months ago she said her periods were all over the place so it's hormones, but I was really surprised how different she looked.
lodo
I think that happens a lot--I guess how they're acting comes out in how they look or something. At some level, I think all our WAS have to feel some guilt/depression over their behavior I would think. My H has lost a bunch of his hair recently, and friends have told me he looks "creepy" a little while back. It was funny b/c he looked really good when he first started the affair, was doing Pilates and I guess trying to look good for the OW, but 6 months later, he's not looking so good. I should probably feel sorry for him, but I don't! Karen
My H doesn't look terribly different. Can that be bad? I know that he doesn't see OW alot and my S15 seems to think that things have cooled considerably between them. I don't know how S15 would know since he doesn't want to spend time with his dad but maybe just the difference in how he acts when he is with them now versus a few months ago.
kat
Last edited by kat727; 06/15/0804:48 PM.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
My H doesn't look terribly different. Can that be bad? I know that he doesn't see OW alot and my S15 seems to think that things have cooled considerably between them. I don't know how S15 would know since he doesn't want to spend time with his dad but maybe just the difference in how he acts when he is with them now versus a few months ago.
kat
Oh, yeah, Kat, I think kids know so much more than we think. My D8 has said some really insightful comments about her dad, and my S14 too. I think my D8 realizes more about her dad than me for some weird reason. (I'm not very observant though)! I don't know if that's good or bad that he looks the same; but if it's cooled off with OW then he may be feeling less guilt than like somebody involved in a more active affair (like my H)??? Karen
""I have asked myself this exact same thing. When is it your turn. Realistically no relationship is 50/50. Still doing all the WORK in a relationship makes you feel so tired after a while. ""
I'm only speaking for me here. I put all the life & energy & work into our relationship for years & years & years, & I was EXHAUSTED.
I think that in my sitch it's almost payback time right now, or me simply resting & recovering. I'm sitting back at times watching & waiting to see if he's learned how to put forth energy & effort & life into the R. He gets a gold star for effort, but he's still learning the energy & life part. But, I have realized that if I continued to do it all, he didn't have to. I enabled him for years, that's my fault. I take responsibility. I just assumed that if I gave 150%, so would he. He assumed that if I was giving 150%, everything was hunky dorey.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Yes, it's the disrespect that hurts the worst. Realizing she has lost her respect for you. And then losing respect for her.
I don't even know if W is still in R with OM. If she is, it's either working well because he's as focused on work as she is so a casual fling is just the ticket, or he's starting to realize that she'll be there for him as little as she was for me.
I have to say - when W stopped by my office the other day I was a little taken aback. She'd already lost a lot of weight but it looks like she's lost more - her head almost looked too big for her body. And her breasts are miniscule. And her hair has this weird look to it - kind of a strange texture or something. A few months ago she said her periods were all over the place so it's hormones, but I was really surprised how different she looked.
lodo
Sounds like her estrogen is dangerously low. (just my swag)
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Karen