I feel I shouldn't say this here NOT to get people down, but I am falling appart. It's like the first days he moved out. I know better now and I am hiding it at least so my kids and my father can't see it, but I am falling appart...
I didn't say that at 1:00 this afternoon I was crying hysterically all the way to my parents' house. H and I had just had our "discussion" and I left. His mother was at THAT moment putting the food on the table for lunch. His family was coming in to sit down and eat. And I kissed my kids and just left....MIL asked me to stay and H said, "She already said she has to go, she can't stay"...
I cried until I got to my parents'. Then I got it together so I could take my dad out for lunch for fathers' day.
So I am good now. But I was falling apart earlier. I understand.
Everything I pack is a reminder of something. I understand.
I am here and I am thinking of you.
The stronger I get, the harder I fall when I finally do. I think it may be that way with you.
I think you are right. I've been dealing with his crap for so long in an OK way. I've been dealing with my kids pain, my father's sickness, my own insecurities trying to rationalize everything to get through. I reached a point where I was thinking "hey!! if this is how it's going to be, I am fine with that". Now, I feel WE are getting to the end of the rope.
Whatever happens in the next weeks will be it. And suddently I am feeling I haven't changed enough, I am not the greener grass, not enough 180s, not "happy" enough, not "better" enough...
It's tears me apart to drive around, like today, it's summer, everywhere I went to, there was something that reminded me of US, my kids are constantly bringing up a possible reconcialition, my friends are pushing me to get it over and done with (I ignore them), his family pretends I don't exist...
I am thiking a year is too f@cking long to even have the slightest hope he will decide for our family. She is there with him, and she is the greener grass at the moment. I have a been waiting for this to get out of the limbo state and now I am so scared... I want to disappear... I am thinking how I will react the moment he will tell what he wants to do.
I am also very mad at him. VERY mad. Back to square 1. I need to get this anger out somehow. I am keeping busy but it doesn't help. I am sleeping and waking up with this THING hanging over my head... I need to regroup fast so I won't make a fool out of myself when he returns...
I was sleeping at H's house (parents anyway) last night, there all day with his whole family. And thinking it will never be this way again once I move. I will have no need to sleep over b/c I will have my own house, H will get his own place and go to "family" events without me, etc.....So I get what you are saying about driving around and seeing reminders.
And, on the way home tonight, I was starting to think that I haven't changed as much as I think I have...
BUT THEN
I tried to look from "outside". I have made so many changes, and grown so much. SO HAVE YOU!
I don't see the "crazy, angry" Maria that you have described from before. You are so amazing that you have more people jumping on your thread to talk to you than anyone else I know...
I know that when you are afraid that "time is up", things get scary. I was ready for H's decision, until he made it.
But YOU have been taking care of your family, children, dad, and on and on. YOU have been keeping everything under control and running smoothly while your H tries to figure out his life. So, even if it came to a D, you are ALREADY doing the things you would do then, being strong and independent.
But I do NOT think it will come to that. Your H is tired, he is stressed, he is disappointed with Greece's performance in the Euro. His stressed-out sound on the phone is most likely from that, not from you.
I need to go to bed soon, it is after 4 a.m. here....but I am still thinking of you and will be back soon.
Hi Maria, I've been thinking of you. I know it so tough, but as an outsider and as my timings/changes have matched yours.. I think you HAVE done enough, you are all of those things, its just that there is only so much you can do. Its not your fault he wasnt willing to talk about it before it got to the point he needed to leave, its not your fault that he wouldnt consider MC with you, its not your fault that he still wont sit down and talk about trying again, instead of passing his fears on through friends and the occassional snippet from the T.
I also share your feeling that I want to hide... I said to someone this weekend that I wanted to crawl under a rock. It does make you feel like that, but I know I have done the best I can and I know you have to and hopefully your H will see that. But whatver happens this week...and then shakes out over the next few, leading up to early July...it still doesnt mean that one day he wouldnt turn round to you and say, I was a fool, I regret it... your H may take 6 months or even a year or two before he does, but I reckon this is just another step on the journey. But maybe he will want to come home and try again?
Here, read this link, its for this week, click on pisces but is true for all signs: yasmin boland
...so be warned! Theres lots of powerful Pluto stuff AND a full moon (Wed night?) so try and rein in your emotions/anger.
I'm thinking of you! Missed talking to you all at the weekend.. Ali xxxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Kalni, I am thinking of you. I know there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better. Know that we are here for you. Praying for you and your family.
