N_A, Yeah, I think I can be pretty patient about him not wanting to make any sudden moves back to my place. I didnt like his comment about couples that live apart, but he also said he knows that that would be no way to raise a family - so that gives me hope that he understands that is not the best option for us. He also said one time that maybe he would want to move back by or before the winter time comes. I can definetely wait for him to be ready, I just hope it is not a lost cause.
Reading about your H's sitch. and how long he has reconnected before making the move home for good was very nice for me to see that somethings just take time. I have to be patient. I just am not sure yet if my H is trying to have the best of both worlds (freedom and a loving wife).
I agree that the three positive signs have been wonderful to see from my H, and I am grateful for the good things I do see in him too.I unfortunately feel like the biggest problem in our M, is the amount he drinks and goes to bars with out me. It is the source of most of our problems. He knows it and I know it.
He has admitted to me that he is an alcoholic, but at the same time he likes his new lifestyle and shows no interest in changing because he now likes to be social and meet new people.
His parents confronted him about his alcoholism about a month before he came back to me, and he laughed it off. He said, if he wanted to stop drinking then he could. He chooses not to.
I have let him know it is a problem and it causes our R to be very unhealhty, and he said he understands and will try harder to stay away from it. I am not seeing very much progress yet.
Again, I know I need to be patient. I do have faith that some how we will work things out.
Thank You so much for the reply & I will check out my thread. please try and stay in touch, as I feel the info I can learn from your piecing experience would be most valuable. I already feel better looking at your time frame. Thanks, TIPPER
na, is your H still going to GA meetings? Seems to be that that has to be ongoing, or at least some kind of support needs to be in place. Addiction is forever, as is learning new patterns of behaviour, and we all need all the help we can get. It would also help you feel calmer about the gambling issues. I know I tend to get rather controlling when I'm anxious
Yes, he still goes, at least once every other week. The last one was on Wed. I'm glad he goes, but sometimes I think to myself "Is that where he really is?" I'm thinking that less and less, though, so that's an improvement.
My birthday was nice. Lots of positives there. H made a real effort and although he did his usual running-around-at-the-last-minute routine, it didn't bother me. He brought me a big bunch of flowers, got a cake and some sweet gifts from he and the kids.
Sounds like your H did some sweet things for your birthday. More positives...even if he did it at the last minute (my H does the same thing). At least he did something. Last year for my birthday, my H sent me a text and gave me a card several days later. I will be grateful if he does anything this year...my H's birthday is in 2 weeks and I need to decide what to do for him. ...maybe I will wait until the last minute to figure it out!
Keep that positive list growing and keep figuring out solutions for the not so positive. You are doing so well. Thanks for sharing with us what we need to do IF we ever get to where you are.
I've been feeling very negative about things the last few days and I just got off the phone w/h. I snapped at him about a financial issue and it escalated into an unpleasant "discussion." Sometimes I feel so tired of this- why does everything have to be so hard?
Where are you in your cycle, na? I know there are certain times that everything seems so bleak, it's tough to keep going. I've even decided that I will not make any decisions or start any discussions in the week leading up to the big event, because it's so easy to see only the negative during that time.
Your H has only been back for a short time. Perhaps you need to pull back to more basic DBing principles?
I haven't been able to make myself read any of my old posts, but you may be braver - there are likely to be reminders there of what worked and why you're putting in the effort to get your M to a better place.
You have an excellent point. I'm right in the middle of my cycle. When I first typed my post this morning, I started to write that my hormones were to blame, but I deleted that part.
How do you stick with your decision to not start any discussions at that time? I've improved, but sometimes I find it hard to stop myself from opening my big mouth.
It's been awhile since I read some of my old posts. I agree that it can be helpful in gauging how much things have changed. Posting positives is also helpful-but at times I can't see the positive with all of the negatives blocking the view.
From my local paper - It's only a mistake if you don't learn from it.
Hormones are always to 'blame', sometimes good, sometimes bad. We're just a chemical concoction, dontcha ya know?
There are times when I do open my mouth despite my intention not to. I step back from the conversation (not so gracefully, usually) then 'do it over' at whatever point I feel calm enough to do that - 20 minutes later, the next day - "I didn't express myself very clearly last time we talked about x. What I meant to say/what I should have said was y."
I do this for me and not just with my H, because I'm uncomfortable about the way something went down. Regardless of the response, it makes me feel better.
Hi na- I can only imagine how hard piecing is. When you start to feel down, can you refocus on your positives and remember that life is never perfect? I have also have used a mantra of "Let it go...Let it go...Let it go..." It helped me realize that many of the things that upset me just aren't worth it. I used it the other night when my S16 went to back his truck out of the garage without opening the garage door. It is going to cost me about $1,100 dollars plus painting...sure I was upset but I reailze it is only money. My S is going to have to work around the house to help pay for it (his sports schedule is too crazy for him to get a regular job)...and hopefully there is a lesson in there somewhere for him.
I'm feeling a little better today. Some positives:
I left h a note this morning with 2 "loving" reminders. He thanked me for it. We have a date night planned for Saturday night. He's such a good dad. He's been spending some time doing fun things w/d8 and s8 now that they are done with school. He has been volunteering once a week at a daycare for homeless kids.
...maybe I will wait until the last minute to figure it out!
It is going to cost me about $1,100 dollars plus painting...sure I was upset but I reailze it is only money. My S is going to have to work around the house to help pay for it (his sports schedule is too crazy for him to get a regular job)...and hopefully there is a lesson in there somewhere for him.