Been here for months - time to tell my story

[mulesqb]

Why don't you just ask me how to build an engine that runs on seawater, lol?

It would solve a lot of problems - but where would we vacation?

Wouldn't you like to believe it's because inside of her, the love for you has not truly gone away?

Yes - right now, it keeps me going every day.

The fact of the matter is that she is lost, unhappy, confused, and she doesn't appear to know why. In that state, many of these MLC'ers begin "the search." They begin grasping for anything and everything that they think will ease the unrest inside and give them at least a temporary high.

How does talking to someone (psychiatrist) help?? Are there medications that can be helpful - it doesn't sound that way.

YOU LOVE THIS WOMAN!

I sure do. I have had to deal with many people telling me - why are you putting up with this behavior? That's the answer - on to the next friend who will try to help and not tell me to run.

You may have to remind your boys that THEY LOVE HER TOO. And perhaps they don't quite appreciate that Mom is in a bad way right now.

This is the exact conversation I had with them when I took them to school this morning.

[mulesqb]

Hey guys - is there place I can find some more info on detaching??

[Bworl]

Check this out from the MLC resources thread.

Tips on Detaching


bill

[Bworl]

And here's a thread on the board about detaching...

Thread on detaching

Bill

[Bworl]

Happy Fathers Day Mules.

You're an awesome Dad. Remember how important you are in shaping their lives.

Blessings,

Bill

[faithisbelieving]

mules...as is typical for this board, your story sounds so familiar. My thread is very long but if you want to read about a similar but WORSE sample of your W, I invite to read my thread.

Anger....so sorry for this...but that's what happens. Do you really believe it's something you did? Remember our vows mules? Loving couples in healthy M's forgive each other. They work thru their problems. They talk things thru. They compromise.

Unrelenting anger...is not healthy and is a sign of some underlying issue. Think about the part of detaching that Bill wrote to you....to try and understand that this is NOT about you but about something within her. THIS...is what you can't fix.

Detaching was a very hard thing for me to grasp. I think initially we confuse it with doing things like avoiding them.....not talking to them...cold-shouldering them.....etc.

That's not detaching.

Detaching means, as Bill wrote, to get off their rollercoaster and realize that YOU are not causing them to have pain or anger. Even in the midst of my D process, my W is STILL ANGRY. You need to stop focusing on the neighbors..stop focusing on how to make your W happy....stop doing things because it what you think YOUR W WANTS.

You need to:

• start to figure out a way to get the boys to their sporting events, and, when there, sit back...and just enjoy the game. You need to tell them how proud you are that they are committed to playing baseball....about working as a team....about playing to have fun. And don't forget about having that catch with them! Don't hesitate to go back and rent Field of Dreams. Stop worrying about her lack of attendance. This is HER LOSS.
• you need to find a hobby that you liked and stopped...and go back to it
• you need to do things for yourself now; if you find yourself saying, "well...I won't take the boys for pizza tonite because my W will get angry at me", then, you're not there. If you want to take the boys for pizza or a movie.....just do it.
• buy yourself something cool...a hot new shirt...a bottle of Antidote cologne.....feel good about yourself again
• stop all inspections, checking, fear-based behavior...and just start to live for you.

Notice...again..the above list doesn't say 'dump your W'....'don't say good morning'...nor does it tell you to stop making her breakfast or her morning coffee.

Finally, I leave you with the following quote from a book that I am reading...that..I think..summarizes our W's:

In the early stages of many so-called romantic relationships, role-playing is quite common in order to attract and keep whoever is perceived by the ego as the one who is going to "make me happy, make me feel special, and fulfill all my needs." "I'll play who you want me to be, and you'll play who I want you to be." That's the unspoken and unconscious agreement. However, role-playing is hard work, and so those roles cannot be sustained indefinately, especially once you start living together. When those roles slip, what do you see? Unfortunately, in most cases, not yet the true essence of that being, but that which covers up the true essence: the raw ego divested of it's roles, with it's pain-body, and its thwarted wanting which now turns into anger, most likely directed at the spouse or partner for having failed to remove the underlying fear and sense of lack that is an intrinsic part of the egoic sense of self.

What is commonly called "falling in love" is in most cases an intensification of egoic wanting and needing. You become addicted to anther person, or rather to your image of that person. It has nothing to do with true love, which contains no wanting whatsoever. The Spanish language is the most honest in regard to conventional notions of love: Te quiero means " I want you" as well as "I love you". The other expression for "I love you, " te amo, which does not have the ambiguity, is rarely used--perhaps, because true love is just as rare.

Detach as best you can. And don't forget. Listen...listen...listen. Talk less. MUCH LESS. Validate her and don't defend yourself. When you want to say something, STOP! Think. Think again. Then listen more.
FIB

[mulesqb]

Bill - Thank you so much. I stayed off the computer this weekend and had to travel for biz yesterday.

[mulesqb]

FIB - Thanks so much, especially the part about detaching as i definitely interpreted it wrong in the beginning of this. I'm still not there yet.

This weekend was the most difficult of my life. On Friday night my W asks if she could talk to me. I had fun that night as i took the boys out for pizza and a walk around the mall. They had some gift cards they wanted to use up. We had a good time. When they went up to bed my W comes into our TV room and sits next to me - she hasn't done that in ages. She was very emotional telling me she doesn't know how she got to this place in her life, she just can't feel happy, she has this big pit in her stomach...etc. I wanted to hold her so bad - but I just kept saying things like I can't imagine how you feel, I don't have any answers but I do care. She kept repeating the same thing over and over. She did however say that she was a little upset that I went out on Thursday night with my friend knowing what was going on. I told her that between her and her parents, I thought they had it covered. The only real slip I had was that I did say I wanted this mistrust between the two of us to stop and that I couldn't take it anymore. I felt that was R talk. She kept saying that she can't believe I am being this nice to her. I really tried not to talk as much as possible. She asked if she can sleep in the bed again and I said that was fine that it was her decision to not sleep in the bed in the first place. She also told me that her parents were looking into lawyers for her to meet with for information as well as therapists. She slept in the bed that night and asked me to give her a leg massage. It was the first time I have touched her in quite a while. We haven't been intimate in months so it was very difficult (notice my choice of words!). But I made it through and tried not to think of myself.

On Saturday we had my son's graduation. Here is the hard part -my W acted normally for 75% of the day. It felt like old times. For one picture she actually put her arm on me, caught herself and stopped and then put it back. She flirted with me a few times during the day. The minute everyone left the party (we were at a restaurant across the street from the school)she started in about her mother, gave the kids some grief, etc...When we got home I went out with my boys and the whole thing hit me again and I got very emotional. I am so sad right now, I can't tell you. I think I have finally hit the end of my rope with this roller coaster. When i got emotional my two oldest sons asked if we could go to the cemetery to visit my grandparents. That helped a little. Then I took my S14 to the store and bought him an IPod touch for his graduation and then we went home. My W asked if we could go the diner for dinner as she was a little hungry. We did and again she was her old self really talking to me and laughing. Anyone who saw that would think there is nothing wrong. When she is like that with me, my boys get very excited, and that's when she starts to lose patience. I guess that is what is so hard for me right now, one minute it seems like old times and the next she has that zombie look on her face.

On Sunday my S10 had a baseball game early in the morning. She decided to go see her Dad and have breakfast with him. We met up around midday. I did some yardwork and then the neighbors came over to talk. My W was A LOT less flirtatious. I even felt like she was flirting with me more than ever. She went out to the store with the W and the H helped me take a dead tree out. He apologized and said that there is absolutely nothing going on with him. He said he really likes the both of us and just wants to be friends with us. He said he is upset what is going on with me and my W because when he is around us it looks like we are getting along fine. I asked him if he wanted to play wiffle ball with me and my sons. We did and actually had a pretty good time. His cousins were coming over for a BBQ but he hadn't heard from them. He then said that he bought some lobsters and asked me if I wanted to steam them with him. My W and I had bought some steaks. So we decide we would just cook everything. I talked to my sons about behaving themselves and not getting angry about this. They were excellent. As we started to cook his cousins show up on his driveway. He goes over and tells them that they should have called him to confirm and basically blew them off and came back. Throughout dinner both he and my W acted normally and weren't flirting but just having fun. I did hear his W tell him not to be a showoff at one point, but i don't know what she was referring to. All in all we had a pretty good time. My W watched TV with me and gave me some presents (I was shocked, I really thought there would be nothing). She also signed the card "love". Again I was very surprised at that.

Yesterday I got home at about 2 pm as I had to do a morning trip for work. I called and took the boys out for lunch. I told my W she was welcome to join us. At first she said yes, but 5 minutes later she called back and backed out. I didn't care. When I got home with them she was very nice to me but had that look. I was tired frm the morning so i took a nap. When I came downstairs she was getting emotional. She told me she contacted a lawyer today and is meeting with him on Wednesday. She said she was just meeting for informational purposes. She said she didn't want to upset me. I tried not to show any emotion, but deep down it was killing me. The last 2 1/2 days had seemed to be good. She started crying and saying the whole she doesn't know how she got here, she has a pit in her stomach, she can't get happy thing. She again said that she doesn't know how or why I am being so good about this. I just said that I am working on myself now and want to get rid of my anger because it is not who i am, and it does nobody any good. She said 5 times that she appreciates my attitude very much but doesn't 100% trust it. I said that is an issue for her to work on. She then told me that she is meeting with a therapist on Saturday morning. She said she is in a psychiatric group near our home. I didn't ask any questions, although i really wanted to. The rest of the night went ok. She cooked dinner (if we split, I don't know how I will get along without her cooking, she is excellent and makes lo-cal meals). We split the duties of taking my S14 to his graduation party. I went out to get a frozen coffee and called her to ask if she wanted one. She thanked me.

That brings me up-to-date. I am very sad the last few days. I am trying to immerse myself in my boys to keep an even keel. It works but not 100%. Her parents kind of took over the whole thing in terms of lawyers and doctors. I know they mean well but I know my W. She tires of them very easily. She already has complained about her M. The only thing that upsets me is that I thought our MC had a good plan going forward but now that is done as my W will have her own so we can't try the plan. I am going to just keep working as hard as I can on detaching, but I know that right now I am not very good at it. At the graduation her family kept looking at me to kind of say that things were going well, but I knew better. I knew the minute we left she would start in on them. And that is exactly what she did.

I am so grateful for this forum right now. Between the support here and my 3 boys, that is how i cope. I was up last night thinking ho strong I was just a week and a half ago. I felt invincible. Then she broke my heart again. I just want to get strong again. I just want her to stop breaking my heart. It's been three times that she pulled me in to "reconcile" (I don't know if that is the right word) only to crush me within a few weeks. I do now recognize that i am not the cause of this and that it is definitely something within her. I also see that she struggles between wanting to be that free spirit and not being brave enough to be it.

Like all of you have said - it's time for me to get off her roller coaster. I hope I can and am not lying to myself.

[Bworl]

Mules,

Change your mindset just a bit. You said that three times your wife has pulled you in to reconcile and then let you down.

You are not and have not been reconciling. You have been riding the rollercoaster that comes from being with a spouse who is in mid life crisis.

There is a link somewhere that talks about the "pursuit dance." Many spouses in MLC cycle back and forth between drawing us close and pushing us away. I think maybe part of it is that they are not sure about ANYTHING, and they don't want to finalize anything as a result. When your wife feels you pulling away or getting distant, she pulls you back to her with her words and actions. Once you are firmly with her again, she has to push you away because she's not ready to commit to renewing the relationship.

You have to choose to not play. But the only way to do that is to continue working on detaching YOUR feelings from her words and actions. That's the power of detaching. Eventually you will convince yourself that none of what she's doing has anything to do with YOU, it's all about what's going on inside of HER.

It's a good thing to be shooting for because the benefits of real detachment are enormous. You will find that you don't cycle as much between the highs and lows. You will find that you gain a confidence, both in yourself as a person and in your ability to see this through. It's not emotional abandonment and it's not rejecting her. It's being honest in looking at the situation and taking only the blame that you deserve.

MLC is a nightmare. Mostly because there is very little you can do to help her through it. What you can do is love her and try to understand that she's an internal mess. It's good that she's pursuing counseling, regardless whether it's with your old MC or not. Hopefully the counselor is pro-family. I personally had a bad experience with a psychologist my ex saw, but many others have had good results.

To be honest, it sounds to me like your weekend went pretty well. It sounds like the boys have a better understanding that Mom is not just being pissy or hateful. It sounds like your wife is still comfortable being honest with you. When she tells you how surprised she is that you're handling this well, don't bristle. A simple response that speaks to the love you have for her is fine.

Don't forget to be true to yourself and take care of yourself. I'm glad you are doing things with the boys, even if your wife does not participate. That is part of detachment too - the ability to continue on with your life, even while she feels stuck in hers.

I would still pick a calm and peaceful moment and give her the book. I would explain that it is a story of another Christian woman who was struggling inside and didn't know why. Maybe that a friend had recommended it to you as something that maybe your wife would connect with and benefit from. Being real about yourself - in normal times if there was something you thought would help your wife, you would do it. Don't behave any differently now.

There will be frustrating times, you're living them already. This board and other trusted friends are what you use to vent and release that frustration. Don't pour it out on her.


I still think that there are lots of hopeful signs. You just need to continue being the man, her rock, and take the lead. Remember, unconditional love is love without expectations.


Blessings,

Bill

[craig54]

mules, your wife and my wife are alot alike. there is a huge battle going on in their souls. alot of anger alot of confusion, just try and be patient.take your focus off your wife and what she is doing. i know how hard this is, i struggle all the time with it. everything your wife does makes it a roller coaster for you. change your focus. it will drive you crazy. i know.