Ok, I get it. I put on some different lenses. I wasn't going to ever post again and I went dark for about 48 hours on the DB community. She went dark on me. I want dark on her. I was ticked because my thread got locked. blah, blah, blah... a lot of immaturity.
Then I read an old post from M Go Blue. Post #61399 and #61408
"Our MLC spouses blame everything and everyone else for their problems. We all know they need to "Grow Up" and accept responsibility for their own choices. They have created their own world, by the choices and decisions they have made. Until they accept this reality, they will remain stuck in the MLC world. The world where nothing is their fault and everyone else is to blame for their misery and pain."
So I need your help. I need your prayers. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.
Craig54, If I get on your nerves then don't read. AmyC, Woman go home... Jack, Sorry about the D comment. It was just that it wasn't fair to be called a troll and everything else. Phoenix, I'm not faking it. SG, Thanks for locking my last thread. Brandnewday, Thank you.
Thank you for saving my life.
Journal:
Wife picks up kids at quarter to 12. She comes in and wants me to kiss her on the cheek. She rubs my arm. Both kids go with her. As she is walking out. I'm polite to her and say you need to respect my boundries. She says she isn't crossing any boundries she is just doing her laundry. I tell her no more laundry. She starts spewing venom again. I will do the kids laundry. I'm calm. She is dropping the F bombs. She leaves. I smile and wave to her.
I text her: You need to let go of your anger. I am not your enemy. I have completely let you go from my heart. You can not hurt me. I will do the childrens laundry.
Next text. I have completely let you go. Good Night.
An hour later, she text back. Good night.
The next day the wife has complete disregard in communicating with me. Still enters house to do laundry and whatever after I repeatedly ask her not to.
I'm dark. I don't respond to her because she hasn't responded to me. Last night she had the kids call me to say they were going down in laws and they were sleeping over. She was going to a picnic to see somebody from high school that she hasn't seen since high school. WTF, she is going to a picnic and not taking the kids. She is dropping them off at 6. She isn't picking them back up. The kids are staying over at inlaws because she has to work the next day and doesn't want to drive. Makes my head spin that there must be someone else in her life. (I know I can not control her. I do not want to know if there is someone else. I can not change it anyway. I have let it go. I have put it in God's hands. I have asked for change in me.) I call my children at 8:45 PM and son is crying he wants me to pick him up. So I do. Mother law tried to manipulate him to stay. She got on the phone and I said I will be there in 15 minutes, and I'll drop him back off in AM. I call her to tell her that I'm picking up son and I will drop him back off at inlaws in morning. She never responds back until this morning. What time did you drop off son. Do you want me to pick up kids after work?
I don't respond until 3 hours later. I droped son off before nine. D was still sleeping I kissed her for you. I said some prayers. She looked so angel like. Yes please pick them up I have class.
I think It's upsetting her more that I'm not reacting to her. I think she didn't want to talk to me yesterday because she doesn't want to hear me say. Why did you come in the house after I asked you to please not too? She knows she is wrong.
I want to keep things calm. I mean she said she was going to take the washer again. I said please take it if you want it. I'm super calm, no emotion.
I found a huge rosary necklace with beads the size of walnuts. I prayed with it the other night. I tried to cry, because I had that down feeling. I only shed a tear. The down feeling went away. I feel freedom by letting her go.
It was the one thing I didn't want to do. I fought with everyone on this board about it. I fought with myself.
Detaching does not mean you stop loving, I hope you understand that. She knows you love her, she knows she has dissapointed you, she knows she is screwing up, but she can't stop this craziness...yet.
I think I told you before, you are the authority figure, she is the beligerant teenager. BUT you can not punish her, instead you make sure you follow through with consequences.
Hell, it's a real balancing act and you will find your footing through trial and error.
You didn't offend anyone here, we have all been there done that and have at least a dozen t-shirts to prove it.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Hey Phil,I am just curious, does your state allow you to utilize the right of first refusal with your kids? I know here if my wife wants to leave the kids with someone else, or let them stay anywhere other than her house, she must notify me and I have the right to take them rather than her letting them stay elsewhere. I have utilized this rule on occasion.
BND is a sharp cookie and a very successful one at that. Jack is right, listen to her words.
That was the first intelligent thing you have said.
Do I believe it.. Lets just say I am on the fence.
"So I need your help. I need your prayers. I'm sorry if I offended anyone."
Ok.
"She comes in and wants me to kiss her on the cheek. She rubs my arm. Both kids go with her. As she is walking out. I'm polite to her and say you need to respect my boundries."
Now I saw the polite part. I am all about boundaries. But you chose to enforce them.. right then? This is just "silly". You absolutely knew that it was going to go bad.. and you did it.
"I text her: You need to let go of your anger. I am not your enemy. I have completely let you go from my heart. You can not hurt me. I will do the childrens laundry."
Alot of people here have said the same thing to you. With the same response you got. I see you coming back to do your laundry.
"I'm dark."
Actually.. you aren't.
"I don't respond to her because she hasn't responded to me."
We call that Expectations here. You still have some. If I was guessing.. I would say you want to be right. Me too.
You have the heart.. you have the capability. You just apply yourself at the wrong times.
"I think It's upsetting her more that I'm not reacting to her."
Because you both feed off it. You need it. You want it. It is very likely the only way you two communicate.
"I think she didn't want to talk to me yesterday because she doesn't want to hear me say. Why did you come in the house after I asked you to please not too? She knows she is wrong."
And you are right. You made the rule. She is just proving you wrong.. every time she does the laundry. Hmmm.. I see someone feeding on the "Drama". I can't tell who quite yet.
"I want to keep things calm."
It is going to be hard.. Are you ready?
"It was the one thing I didn't want to do. I fought with everyone on this board about it. I fought with myself."
Off we go...
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
phil, i am glad you are back. you did not offend me. listen to the old timers. wisdom .
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
I don't know if my state has that. However like I said before. Her plan was that the children were going to go with her because that is what the children want. Her plan was shared custody.
Now I have my boy everynight. My daughter stays with her, and I have them both when she works evenings. Her plan isn't working out too good. Then she was at the doorway saying. Maybe someday you will choose to be with mommy.
Besides I would want them to be with their grandma and grandpa if they want to be with her. My daughter is staying down with them tonight. She picked them my son up. Immediately my son called me when he got to her place and wanted to be with me. I was hoping that one of them would stay with her, at least it eases my immagination about a possible another person. She has a free night tonight.
However since I have let it go I no longer have anxiety over that. It's like Sactchel Paige said, our minds are pretty much are worst enemy.
So ok her and I had two pleasant conversations today. When I picked up the boy she was standing at the door and we talked for about five minutes. She actually was telling me what was going on in her life. She seemed like the woman I knew. She was in a hurry to take a shower though and she was standing in her bathrobe at the doorway.
We hugged each other and kissed each others cheek. We also told each other we loved each other. So much for the detachment part huh. The funny part was she put her hand on my chest and rubbed it.
She also called at 10 and wanted to talk to son. I said I would like to talk to my friend. She didn't seem too interested in conversation but we talked a little about nothing. Then I put my son on. He only talks to her for about 30 seconds. Then she hung up.
I'm still not emotional about it. I think both moments I had with her were positive.
Forrest, Now this laundry thing is going to kill me. Change the locks start a war. Yes I know it is going to be hard. That is why I'm here. It is all hard. How else am I suppose to be dark with her. If she asks about the kids I eventually get back. If she starts doing the manic phase and bounces from cell, to text, to home phone, back to cell, etc... I have to stop it. I don't respond to her unless she responds to me. Otherwise I leave her alone. She wants her space and time. She wants her cake and she is eating it too.
I know I need to set the boundries, but what other times do I have to do it. When she picks up the kids, or when I drop them off or pick them up is the only contact we have in person. Yes I tried to enforce boundries after she was already in her rage. I tried to enforce boundries after mass when I was just trying to go out to lunch on fathers day with my family, and she didn't want any part.
Look I can live with her doing the laundy here. If I tell her no she gets pushed away further.
Then its ignore mode from her I can't stand. It's the BS that she wants to be my friend but doesn't want anything to do wiht me. Do not friends spend time together. It's the beligerent teenager. She works with them at the ice cream shop and the girl that has her ear works with her.
How and when should I enforce the boundries? Some study said to only talk to your spouse about important things between 10 AM and 2 PM. I mean I'm thinking about requesting a meeting with her. The problem is we would need to do it without the children around.
Here is something I wanted to add to the other post. When I was talking to her on the phone I said why don't you come up and hang out with us for a little while. She said I don't know.
She just wants to be alone. One of the things she said since day one was she has been a mom for eight years and a wife for eleven and she just wanted to be herself.
Also one of the last times we sat on the chaise together and I held her watching tv. She just said she wanted to be a big girl and swallow the big girl pill. She wanted to prove to me that she could make it. I said you don't have to prove anything to me.
She also said she didn't care about getting a divorce anymore. She said if I wanted to go through with it then I could file. She already paid on her credit card for the no contest no fault setup on divorcesource.com. However she never wanted to sit down and finish the paperwork. I think the visitation schedule freaked her out.
She also told me to go with the flow.
It's the damn teenage mind.
Her head has been filled up with so much BS from her sister and her loser friends. She seems to attract the certain type of female friend. No self esteem, down and out, while the whole world is out to get them.
Things are going to get better. Yes I have expectations. I think in the long run things are going to work out. I put it in God's hands. It is his time not mine.
