Uneventful night. Slept pretty well actually, thanks to the meds my dr. gave me!
H called late to talk to S. I answered not realizing it would be him (one of our phones has no caller ID). He was in a hallway somewhere, I assume at the restaurant. It was really echo-y.
I passed the phone over to S with minimal words to H. S told H how we had all been playing all night, how S and D cuddled me in bed and read books, all the happy family stuff we have been doing. I am sure it made H squirm and I love it!(evil I know)
So anyway nothing new today. Just more organizing. I was already making his/her boxes. Today I am moving all of his boxes out to the garage. Don't need them in the house taking up space....
I'm so happy to hear about the time you've been spending with your kids. I don't know who it helps more, you or them! I think it is so great for the three of you. Hang in there, you are great!
I watched that Taylor Swift clip last night and was stunned. That girl is something else! A couple other country western gals that write there own songs that I really like are Jewell and Mary Chapin Carpenter.
I caught up on your recent turn of events last night, but your thread was locked and I didn't know what to say anyway. I did fantasize about becoming a cheating spouse vigilante and driving the 4 hours to Long Beach...
You sound great his morning. You are so out of his league.
Hang in there, kiddo.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Yes, today I feel a sense of calm and acceptance. Because I know I did all I could do, I feel I did MORE than all I could do if that is possible.
He is the one who made the wrong choices, he is the one who will look back and have to live with those choices. Not me. I can live with my choices, the one thing that upsets me most though is the kids have to suffer the consequences of all of this.
All I want now is an extra 12 hours in the day--just today! Because there is so much I would LOVE to have done before H gets here. I just want the house hollowed out/empty before then, but not enough time....
Anyway, doing well today. Considering...looking forward to wine tonight with the friend whose husband worked with H.
It warms my heart that you feel that way about yourself, there is no reason IMO why you should feel any different. The kids are lucky to have you as a mom, they have a good person in which to draw and learn from.
A glass or 2 of wine & a friend sounds like a good way to end a horrorific & emotional week. Keep being who you are turning out to be through all of this, a strong, independant woman.
I appreciate your thoughts on D17, I know in my heart that it's a mistake and things will be fine.
BBJ, I guess I can't go on vacation without things falling apart I'm sorry your H is such a DAM. Go dark, really dark. I did that is best I could the last time my H told me he wanted a D and I saw him trying to get back into my life. I still don't hold out hope for us, but it is a start.
(((((BBJ)))))
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Sorry I haven't been around. Crazy day today. Take it slow, will you? What you want still hasn't change. I suppose you realised that the HOW and WHEN to get it is a bit different from what you hoped for. It's OK. Take it easy and rest some, before your body tells you to. K
Apparently the first level of sh!t is starting to sink in already....got these messages from H today, who was coming here tonight after his plane gets in Omaha at 8 pm putting him here at 10:30ish....
Messages today 1)Would you entertain bringing the kids up tonight and going to church tomorrow?
2)(30 min later) I miss being happy and I have not been in a very long time. Where did I go wrong Bobbi why can I not find happiness anywhere? Evrything I touch or do just breeds frustration and anger and hurt.
3)(2 min later) All I want is to be happy
4)(10 min later) Tell the kids I do love them and that I miss them so much. Tell nate I am sorry.
The thing w/the kids is b/c when Dan called earlier in the day I told him Nate was upset he didn't call last night (he called our house and left a VM when I TOLD him we would be at friends' house and to call the cell to tell them goodnight).
I also said in a matter-of-fact way that Nate is very ANGRY this week, he doesn't want to listen to me and said he is mad at me bc I won't let him see daddy every day.......Sissy asks for H several times a day too.
Anyway I was very short and to the point w/him today, not in the mood for any conversation. Which made him act awkward, which is too bad.......
I sent this response: (hit me if you want, I wanted to be honest)
I know you are hurting. I think you lost yourself when you decided you didn't need anyone to support you, when you decided you could do everything/handle everything by yourself.
In my heart I truly think the hurt and frustration and anger come from you knowing the choices you have been making are wrong and you are angry at you.
Maybe you can't find happiness because you are looking for it in a higher-level job, a hotter woman, a nicer truck, a bigger paycheck. That is how it looks from the outside.
It feels like you have turned away from your family, your true friends, God, and the wife who WAS willing to do anything for you. And you say it has only brought you bitterness and anger.
I cannot tell you what to do. I can only say you are surrounded by people who will help lift you up again if you let them.
I got it out there, felt good, moving forward.
I haven't changed my plans to move forward with life with the kids. He dug a big hole and only he can climb out. I can't wear myself out pulling him up anymore I just wind up in the hole with him.....
Sounds very serious when I type it but I am in a very calm, even mood actually!
you are completely awesome! You handled that EXACTLY perfect!
You are right, you cannot keep pulling him out of the hole. He dug it, let him ask the right person to pull him out. God can do it, but your husband has got to figure that out on his own. He will never find happiness in anything in his life until he lets his Father in Heaven guide his life and his actions.
Why is it some WAs feels that finding happiness in what they have is "settling"? Why can they not understyand that they can achive greater happiness than they ever thought possible, with people who have ALWAYS been there to support them through the good AND bad times in life? Rewriting history does not make it go away unless you remove all those who were part of it from your life.
There is a quote from the movie "Shall we Dance" that I love----
Why is it that people get married? Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet. What does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything… The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, All of it… all the time, every day. You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.” Wife in the movie, "Shall We Dance?" 2004
I am so proud of you!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
From all the things you've said, I get the feeling it is right next door to a deal breaker, but not absolutely? I've maybe read too much between the lines, but I have felt that you are giving him one last, final, real chance. Don't know that he is strong enough to grab it, though.
I agree with the above posters. It sounds like you are still giving him maybe one final chance. I know how you feel. Again, you are on a board full of people who in spite of all the crap they have had to contend with still want their spouses. This is why going semi dark now is so helpful. It is just a way for you to step back, get your composure and keep on moving. You don't have to walk away from your marriage, but you might want to sit back and let him fight for awhile.
There is a quote from the movie "Shall we Dance" that I love----
Why is it that people get married? Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet. What does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything… The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, All of it… all the time, every day. You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.” Wife in the movie, "Shall We Dance?" 2004
That's really beautiful.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I am not sure yet if it is a deal breaker. I just know I am not going to do anything more to "fix" things, work on things, etc. If H wants things to be different, he would have to do the difficult for him task of admitting it.
We talked last night until 2:10 a.m. He basically started out by saying he saw no way to come back from this b/c I would always hold the infidelity over his head, says I did that the last time and it is too much to overcome. But 3 hours later he finished by basically saying that he never wanted to ruin his family, he still wants his family, wants to have the life he always wanted... It is hard to summarize a 3 hr conversation!
He says that the 48 hrs w/ow were "not fun at all" and I certainly don't feel bad for him there....says he wants to make it clear that she is NOT his girlfriend, he is NOT going to date her, she will NOT be any part of his and the kids' life no matter what. Funny, wonder how she would like hearing that after just taking a trip with him...I asked how he could say he is not dating her when they were just on a trip and he said b/c he isn't...??I also made a comment about her getting pregnant b/c they don't use protection (she is allegedly on the pill) and said I would hate to see S handle suddenly having another sibling when mommy and daddy are still married....H hadn't thought of that I think and looked a little sick at the idea.
Anyway a lot was said but I don't know that any of it makes a difference. His biggest concern seemed to be that if we tried again I would consider him 100% the villain and the only one who needs to change.....I told him I have already made it clear that I have made mistakes but his A is the biggest mistake of all to me. He agreed...
We went to church this morning all together (us 4) and then had lunch together, h cooked and I did absolutely nothing. H took S out on the tractor while D and I took a nap! Then S came in for a snack and now they are back on the tractor.
Just before they went back out I casually asked H when he was moving to Tom's. (No agenda, seriously, just trying to make plans) He replied that he really didn't want to move there anymore. I said I was surprised, he had seemed really eager to move there. H looked at me for about 30 straight seconds (weird) like he wanted to say something, but didn't. Walked into the kitchen, turned around, did the same thing again. Then said, "Okay, I am going out now (w/S to tractor)". I said, I know. He looked at me again for a bit, and went out.
He is obviously his usual confused self.
I am not confused a bit. I am anxious to get home and do some more packing. Decided I WILL live in the new house, no reason to give up a house I really like just out of pride...Still moving to happy with my kiddies!
I am glad to see that you are taking the house. You and the kids deserve it.
He is confused. BBJ, please make him go get IC before even considering working on your marriage. The guy really needs a lot of help. I almost feel sorry for him.... almost.
Don't let him drag you down sis. You are too strong.
Proceed with caution! I know that your H still loves you and he is confused, but I would think LONG and HARD before I let him back in my life without doing some major work. The fact that he was out of town with OW does not have to be a dealbreker. In fact, he can do that without any recourse because you all are seperated. The issue is that he lied. He should not still be lying. If you guys want a real chance of working it out he has to stop lying. I told you, his behavior reminds me of my H. He went out town (with friends supposedly) and before the plane could even touch down good he was at my front door. ML the next day. And today he is still confused and I am still hurting. Your H needs som MAJOR work on him. Set limits and boundaries until he makes the effort.
Limits/boundaries are in place. Other than H reaching an arm out to hug me (I let him but then walked out of the room) as I walked passed, I haven't touched him.
He is feeling the change in me, I can tell. He knows I am serious about this. He got up, he got the kids their breakfast, he went to the grocery store and made us all lunch, he figured out supper, etc. I did nothing for the first time EVER. I mean EVER, since the kids were born. I even took a nap.
While H was making supper I went in the bathroom to pack up my stuff to go home. I re-applied my makeup and perfume b/c being outside in the sun for church and to play w/the kids, plus taking a nap, I felt I needed a touch-up.
About 20 minutes later as I was getting a plate, H commented
"You sure got dolled up to go back to Kansas City?" (it was said almost as a question)
Me: Hey, you know me, I always like to look good because I DO look good. (confidence, party of one!)
Him "Well you sure smell good........."
I went right on getting a plate and moved forward.
When it was time to leave, he kept stalling it seemed, putting the kids in the car, checking their car seats twice, etc. Finally he came to my side of the car to kiss S goodbye (he sits behind me). He shut the door and was leaning against it. For like 15 seconds. I looked over and said,
"Are you just going to hang on and ride along all the way to Kansas City?" in a joking kind of way. H got all embarrassed and smiled and said, "no, I know..." So I said, OK, goodbye, and started out. He asked me to call when we made it and texted twice to see if we were ok on the way home.
I am too tired for anything more. Except one thing, he has obviously been thinking about this b/c during last nights' talk, he mentioned that he didn't know what could help except maybe "stopping once a week to dump out all of the stuff that has been irritating us so it doesn't pile up". I assume he means sharing our issues on a regular basis instead of piling up the resentment which is his usual approach. So apparently the man who said he had no intentions of working on things and the man who took his girlfriend on a business trip is now thinking of ways to "work on this". Ironic?
I have no intention of doing anything right now except moving into my house. H has said he can't change (and that I can't change but that is BS). So I am hesitant to open myself back up knowing that...............
for me, he can NOT take OW on a trip with "no recourse" because we are separated. For ME, we are married until we are no longer married. Period. It will NEVER be okay for him or any one else to be with someone else as long as they are married. That is just my opinion, no offense...
I am just a silly old-fashioned Christian girl who thinks you should honor your marriage vow, and even if you divorce, you wait until then to be having sleepovers.
for me, he can NOT take OW on a trip with "no recourse" because we are separated. For ME, we are married until we are no longer married. Period. It will NEVER be okay for him or any one else to be with someone else as long as they are married. That is just my opinion, no offense...
I am just a silly old-fashioned Christian girl who thinks you should honor your marriage vow, and even if you divorce, you wait until then to be having sleepovers.
It may be old-fashioned, but it isn't silly. BJ - I agree with you 100% on this. Stay true to your beliefs, don't compromise your ethics just because others do. Even if W won't, I will honor the vows I made to our M until the D is final. The problem isn't the A, but lying about it? I don't think so.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I am not surprised your husband is acting this way towards you. You have taught him that you'll take him back eventually. He has lied, cheated, and treated you poorly before and you've still accepted him. Now he is trying to play the game by those same rules. He hoping you are going to take him back. Afterall, you've done it before. Many times.
Come on BBJ, he didn't even have fun with the other woman in Los Angeles. That should make it better right?
BBJ, in my opinion you need to set some specific rules about what he needs to do to be allowed back into your life, let alone your marriage. He needs to see an IC because he really has a warped sense of himself. Then you both need MC.
I guess this is just my opinion, but without those steps I expect will be back here again soon having the same discussion again about his lying, cheating and treating you poorly.
for me, he can NOT take OW on a trip with "no recourse" because we are separated. For ME, we are married until we are no longer married. Period. It will NEVER be okay for him or any one else to be with someone else as long as they are married. That is just my opinion, no offense...
I am just a silly old-fashioned Christian girl who thinks you should honor your marriage vow, and even if you divorce, you wait until then to be having sleepovers.
Amen, sweetie!!! I feel the same way.
Our husbands are our husbands until a judge or a priest says they're not!
I totally agree with you said about not being with other people into the D is final. My point was that in their heads they can some how rationalize and justify it because they are seperated. He knows going to LA with OW is wrong which is why he lied, but he was able to do it with a clearer concious because you guys are not together. Please understand that I totally agree with you. It would stop me, but it obviously does not stop them. There is no respect for the marriage vows on his part, on the part of my H, on the part of most of the walk away spouses.
Also, I would have to say I agree with Woog. Much of the way he is acting now is based on guilt. Keep doing what you are doing and stay strong. Make this the time you stick to your guns. If he is wants to make his family work he will figure out a way. In my opinion men always do. When they finally realize what they want they get their arse in gear. Don't cut him one ounce of slack until you see that.
BBJ, Your H sure seems confused...did he actually mention that he and OW had or have unprotected sex?
At the end of the day only you know if this is a deal breaker for you. All I can say is follow your heart and do the right thing for YOU. If you guys do decide to give this another shot (my money is on yes you will), there is some MAJOR work to be done on his part. As far as BBJ is concerned, you will have to get over a major hurdle, TRUST.
Good luck BBJ...whichever road you decide to take.
My computer is getting old. I had to take it in to the computer doctor this morning and won't get it back until Wed. afternoon. Trauma!!!
So I am at the public library so I can tell you all why I am falling off the face of the earth for 2 days.
Woog, (and everybody else) don't worry.
My only plans with H are to co-parent. The bottom line is he just got back from a trip with someone who was not his wife! It doesn't matter how much it sucked, how bad he feels for the kids (apparently not bad enough to make real changes), or how much he too "wants our family". Again, actions, not words. And there are no actions.
I am going home now to do some more packing. My kids will be able to turn the entire back yard into a moving-box city by the time we get done up in Iowa!!They love the empty boxes but it is frustrating when they climb in WHILE I am packing.
All I want to do is get the house sold and get into the new one so I can keep moving forward. H can figure his life out himself...well, actually, he can't do it on his own, he has shown that, but you get the idea
Also, we got a pre-approval letter from couple #3 today. They saw the house last Thursday. We are hoping for an offer from them by Wednesday. But, like everything else, no expectations.....
Have a good two days. I am sure EVERYTHING will happen around here while I am gone.......
Yes back in Nov. he told me they weren't using anything b/c she was on the pill...I went and got a full battery of tests run, which showed I was "clean" .
I think that just reassured them that they must be "clean" too, so they still didn't use anything.
The fact that he would be with me again 3 weeks ago knowing he had been with her is enough to keep me away from him in that regard.
I know I have set a bad pattern in the past but guys, have some faith in me! I am not letting him back that easy. He may think I will, but I won't. I don't even know for sure if he wants back, but even if he does I am not interested. Way too much has happened.
And a million things would have to happen for that to change...
OMgosh, your computer is sick. I'm sooooooooooo sorry. Where can we send flowers ? lol
Isn't it funny how attached we are now, & can't live without computers, cell phones, blackberries. Have a great two days, wish I lived closer, I'd come help you pack. (not that I like it, but it's always more tolerable with a friend).
See you soon
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
You sound in a good place within yourself. Your clarity sounds for reassuring. Loved the comment of "I look good" nothing wrong with abit of ego to keep the PMA going.
Keep doing what you are doing for you and the kids, it seems to be what gives you the most strength when you stay that path. Good job on rethinkin the house, why let him have it as you said you are the one that found it, bid on it, and loves it, that makes it your house in my mind.
Woog, If you break yours just yell at me. I've got plenty, some to be used and some that have been used on my head..I've got an 8x8 that I was warped with earlier if you want it..
Hi BBJ! Sorry I haven't been around, it is tough spending time at the beach. Actually read my thread about my trip on back and you might ROLF. I'll try to catch up with you tomorrow. Love you and miss you!
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Hey guys! I am back! No real news, except we may get an offer on our house today. The agent is pretty confident we will, and H did a conference call with the almost-buyer yesterday to answer his questions....think now he is ready to make the offer.
I am glad b/c once the house is sold there will be no further excuses for H not to file. I plan to go meet with a lawyer in IA once I move so I can have all my legal ducks in a row for if/when he files. Actually thinking about doing it myself, but I am not 100% on that yet.
H has been calling several times a day this week. It is mostly about the house, though, or the kids. But he also calls just to talk to me....Last night he called and i had a horrible headache, he chit chatted for 10 minutes about the traffic, his day at work, how cute D looked when he saw her last Saturday, etc. Felt to me like he was pulling topics out of his ass just to be on the phone. After ten minutes I said I had to go make dinner and got off the phone. He called 2 more times after that anyway.
I am almost annoyed b/c I feel like he is trying to be "friends" again. But I don't know if I want to be friends with him if we can't be married, too. I know it will be best for the kids, but right now it is hard to be chatty with him knowing that he will most likely file on me in the next 6 weeks...
Looks like you finally getting mad was a catalyst for your husband. Let's face it, hon, he is still a DAM and you are doing fine.
Do not get your big girl panties in a bunch about the possibility of his filing. If he does, so what? You keep focusing on you, the kids, and the adventure ahead with your move and new house. It is a new beginning, one way or the other.
When he tries to keep you on the phone, politely say. I am sorry Dan, but I need to feed the kids and get some things done around the hosue, I do not have time to chat right now--then HANG UP. Do not wait for him to respond, nothing.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I've got my fingers and toes crossed that you get a nice and juicy offer on the house today!!!! That would be wonderful. One less worry for you!
Sounds like your H is minding his pee's and que's at the moment. Seems like there has been a power shift in your marriage... and about time. You are a wonderful, loving woman and he has stepped on your heart one too many times.
I really like how you sound right now.. and I like that he is pursuing you. You keep him chasing hun. Let him feel the lack of control for a change.
When he tries to keep you on the phone, politely say. I am sorry Dan, but I need to feed the kids and get some things done around the hosue, I do not have time to chat right now--then HANG UP. Do not wait for him to respond, nothing.
Hi BobbiJo- I hope your day is going real well and I am glad to see you on here again. I agree with SMW that your politeness towards H needs to be somewhat curtailed but obviously not stopped altogether. Keep your distance from him as he is still 'infected'. Continue to find your strength in Christ. I wish you luck in getting the house sold as quick as possible. I'll be praying.
When he tries to keep you on the phone, politely say. I am sorry Dan, but I need to feed the kids and get some things done around the hosue, I do not have time to chat right now--then HANG UP. Do not wait for him to respond, nothing.
Hi BobbiJo- I hope your day is going real well and I am glad to see you on here again. I agree with SMW that your politeness towards H needs to be somewhat curtailed but obviously not stopped altogether. Keep your distance from him as he is still 'infected'. Continue to find your strength in Christ. I wish you luck in getting the house sold as quick as possible. I'll be praying.
YEAH!! A veteran like Tomato gave me kudos! I like the idea of him being "infected". My mom has another term for it--she calls it "ate up with a case of dumba$$."
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
"ate up w/ a case of dumba$$" that sounds like a southern way of stating.. DAM.
Oh, and geeee thanks for the veteran comment. I haven't been around here that much longer than you. Plus I am a DAM so what the heck does that tell ya. But yes you were due for the compliment.
Hi BBJ! Good luck with the offer. As far as seeing an L, I dreaded doing it, but I'm glad I did. H doesn't know I went, so it gives me a little feeling of power. Also helps to know that you can do something that big on your own. If your H is like mine, and we both know he is, don't plan on him filing anytime soon. I think my H told me 2 1/2 months ago he wanted the D; I told him a month ago to file. I still haven't seen any papers. H just stopped by the house in the middle of the day and he stopped by yesterday morning. Not his allotted times. I need to put my foot down and tell him that he has to stop that. I think he is getting way too much cake.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
I have to agree with.. my guy. He is testing the waters. Please don't file "just to show him". Or because you are mad. If it is a LRT for you make sure in your head and heart you are prepared to bite the bullet (I hope that is correct, feel free to laugh if it isn't).
Move to your new house, set and keep boundaries and take it slow. Even if you feel you are ready, once you are safe "inside" waiting a bit can't hurt you.
BTW, that thing I was telling you : I am abit ahead of you? FORGET IT!!! M
Why are you not ahead anymore? B/C I am planning on the D now I am ahead??
I don't want to file all that much. But I am annoyed that my H just spent a business trip in California with his GIRLFRIEND! I am tired of him confusing me with his mixed messages.
When I was at his parents' house last Sat. night, we talked until 2 a.m. He started with "this is impossible to fix". But then he was saying things like "we would have to..." (such as, we would have to communicate, we would have to be able to have our own lives and our life together for this to work, etc).
He said he spent the entire flight from CA to IA trying to figure out what he could do. He thought 1)Maybe if I quit drinking except when Bobbi was around I'd be ok, b/c drinking tends to send me into situations I wouldn't be in otherwise 2)Maybe if we talked once a week and dumped all our crap out we wouldn't let it build, etc.
In other words he spent most of the time talking about what would have to change for us to make it work. The rest of the time was basically him saying how he was miserable with her, would NEVER be in a relationship with her (whatever that means guess now she is his sex buddy??), didn't want to lose his family, etc etc
But then, nothing since Saturday in that regard. All chit chat about NOTHING, every day.....If he is going to keep saying he doesn't want to lose us, but then do nothing about it, I am just ready to file and be done with it. Maybe that is the wrong reason? I don't know....
Yeah, maybe that is what annoys me. It is like he says he is trying to figure it all out, but nothing is any different. I don't want him to say he hates me or anything, but it just makes it so difficult when he says things that make it sound like he wants his family but keeps doing dumb-ass things instead....
That is why I am considering filing. The mixed-message thing is getting old........
Bbj, If it is a LRT for you make sure in your head and heart you are prepared to bite the bullet (I hope that is correct, feel free to laugh if it isn't).
Hey Sunshine
Very good with the American idiom. I still laughed anyway but I guess that's just me. At what point did you learn English cuz you seem to be pretty well versed in it aside from the expressions/sayings on ocassion. But even those are becoming.. second nature. <--- There's another one for you, are you familiar?
I guess I could say hi to Cheerleader while I am hijacking. Hi there BobbiJo. Did you see that Blindsided1 had her Kendall on Wed. I hope your day is going swell. Peace be with you.
The gift is you BBJ. Your love, your heart, YOU! At this point he doesn't deserve you.. and he shouldn't have you unless he earns your respect and your trust back...
Yeah, maybe that is what annoys me. It is like he says he is trying to figure it all out, but nothing is any different. I don't want him to say he hates me or anything, but it just makes it so difficult when he says things that make it sound like he wants his family but keeps doing dumb-ass things instead....
That is why I am considering filing. The mixed-message thing is getting old........
BBJ, IMO it's just going to continue. I hate to say it but it is. I think they just continue on to either make it friendly or in your H's case to "eat cake"...it looks like both of htose things happen a lot in these sitches.
You're doing really good and sounding really strong.
I had a nice long post but my D shut down the computer while I was typing and I lost it all....
so here goes
1)Got a GREAT offer, $4K under our asking price, but buyer wants NO inspections, NO appraisal, NO conditions, just wants to buy it as-is, as soon as he can!
2)I am ready to discuss the D with H. Everybody said before I should wait b/c I wasn't really wanting a D. I still don't want one in the grand scheme of things, but I am not happy with the way things are and they seem to be "stuck" this way, H talking about how things COULD be but never changing....
The sale of the house was the one thing H wanted before we split assets, he got a new place, etc. Now we have a buyer, we can move on...
When ever I ask H where he plans to live (he doesn't want to live w/Tom now), he says he doesn't know. Ditto for a real visitation schedule. It is time to get real and be responsible and have a plan in place for once we are both in Iowa (5 days and counting!). The kids deserve nothing less and H needs to get his act together.....
Hey Bbj, you sound good. You sound like you're standing on solid ground. Your H sounds confuzzled (Kalni, it's my own word sweetie) & lost.
Keep focusing on you & your kids. Let H find his own way. Like Mike says with IC.
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I was all fired up to just have the D talk with H TONIGHT. I am a very "now" person on some things. When I want a haircut, I want it NOW. When I want to go on a trip, I want to "now". Getting work done, not so much
Anyway I was ready to go for it, and called H. He answered after a few rings but had clearly been sound asleep. A past mistake of mine was choosing to talk when H wasn't in the mood. I realized from his slurred speech he was still partly asleep. So we agreed to talk in the morning (doubt H will remember, he never remembers my calls when he has been asleep).
The reason for the call wasn't the D talk, it was to talk about the house offer. I shared it briefly w/H over the phone while making dinner. Usually I try to stop everything when H wants something, but not tonight. I am too sick (literally, it hurts so bad to swallow and I keep coughing!!) and too tired to bother with that today.
Anyway I gave H a heads-up about the offer but said I'd call back after kids were in bed to go over it in detail before signing. The Realtor will then e-mail my signed copy to H tomorrow, so he can sign.
I had been 80 miles roundtrip to the doctor for my lactation issue (went to the wrong office then had to go to the other one!). Then picked up kids from daycare, drove them to babysitter :(. She watched them while I mowed in 92 degree heat with 80% humidity. I no sooner picked them up and got home, and the realtor was literally waiting in the driveway. He had just left and I was cooking dinner when H called. So I just couldn't do it...
Anyway H called a little while later to talk to the kids. They said their goodnights, I said I would get them to bed and call H back later re. the offer.
Well, easier said than done, I had promised S computer time since it had been gone for 3 days. Never got around to it with the chaos of the evening. So I let S on it while I read D her books for bed. While I was logging S on, D BROKE the sliding door on our end table, which is only 1 year old! Grr....
As I am surveying the damage, H calls AGAIN! Starts rattling off details of the offer. Me: "OK, we are talking about this right now, then?" H: I was going to....
I told him of D breaking the drawer. HE told ME not to worry about it!!! (normally he would have been the mad one). He said 2 or 3 times he would fix the drawer and it was no big deal. D has him whipped already...
Anyway, long story short (ok, NOT short!) I just got him called back at 11, and he was asleep.
Now I am glad I didn't go into the D thing tonight...
Funny, H said one of his problems was I wanted him to be my everything, (I DID, years ago....) but tonight I had NO time for him.
Thanks Jeff! I have patience issues, I have noticed they flare up every now and again. If I just "be still" as you say, for a day or so, they go away again.
So I will focus on BOTH houses, the good news we have, and be grateful that the house sold so quickly!!
P.S. I was posting my costume on your thread while you posted to me! Sorry I missed the party....
I am glad W2G was here to explain my message. Perhaps FG is rubbing off on me.
Relax. Breathe. Take it day by day.
I know you are a get 'er done girl, but the end game is your happiness. I'm not a big fan of your husband (big surprise right?), but I want you to be happy. I pretty sure a wham bam divorce isn't going to do that.
My advice is this: Write down exactly what you want from him. Exactly. Examples include IC, MC, to see him do whatever, blah, blah, blah (elegant I am not this morning).
But you need to start playing a new game with new BBJ rules. You don't just throw it all away without trying this way. At least give it a chance with the rules you want to see.
Honestly BBJ I have my doubts he is ready to change, but you have to try.
Yeah, my thoughts were to have one last go at it before meeting with a lawyer. I was even going to tell H, "I just want to clarify things before I meet with my lawyer", something to that effect.
I was going to basically let him know that I was ready to move on unless he was truly interested in working on things. If he says he is, I would tell him what I needed from him to believe that (IC, no contact w/OW, etc). If he says he isn't, I will tell him I am ready for the D.
Just my thoughts. H called again already this morning to go over the offer. Acting like everything is fine an dandy...
You need to be firm, clear and no B/S with him. He is going to agree and not follow through. Make sure he knows that you are serious. I would also start the D processes with a lawyer just to make sure your husband knows you are serious. You can always slow down or speed up to put pressure on him if he slacks off.
Tell him you need to SEE tangible progress. The "Too Busy" stuff doesn't cut it.
BBJ, this seems appropriate for what you are up against
OMG!!! LMAO Woog! I just watched this mvie last night and that is one of my favorite parts! My cousin and I say that to each otehr when we are facing a challenge--of course we are usually talking about tackling our kids' bedrooms.
Thanks for the chuckle. I needed it this morning. Sorry for the hijack BBj, now back to our regularly scheduled discussion!
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
First, I don't think he is going to agree. He will say that I was reading into things again, or that as much as he wants it, "it will never work", the usual stuff...
Then once I file, it will be MY idea, MY decision. That is what I am expecting.....
My sister is a family law attorney in Des Moines and she already gave me a couple names of good lawyers in Council Bluffs, only 20 minutes from where I will be living (across the river from Omaha).
My advice: Find an attorney you like. One that you trust and that you feel actually listens to you. Don't go with the one who thinks they know best for you and "will take care of everything".
I found there is a huge difference in how they approach this stuff.
Quick update going to sign the offer on our house!!
Stress was b/c buyer wanted us to pay for/provide tile for the basement bath--all we did so far was have the custom tile shower put in.
Realtor wanted estimate of cost to buy tile, which means I needed estimate of the floor of the room. The floor is 5 sided b/c of weird angles, so it was complicated. Long story short I drew the perimeter on Word and e-mailed it to H so he could figure out the measurement. He actually said (but was teasing me) he was impressed I could use the draw function (b/c I am computer illiterate except for Word and e-mailing...).
Anyway after an hour of time and effort, calls to the flooring store to try to get the measurements from them, etc. Realtor called back. Said he would buy the tile and take it out of his comission--he was obviously anxious to get this done!
Problem solved......
And, not to start something, but my realtor is an eager beaver today, and he is a guy!
Well, I signed the paperwork for this house. Once H signs them, it is a done deal. One house bought, one house sold. No overlapping mortgage payments. It's nice when things work out the way they should, isn't it??
Yep, this is definitely a first for us, after 10 moves in 10 years! Hooray!
It would seem that God wants us to sell this house....now if I could only figure out why....H has said he won't take any actions of any kind until the house sells. Well, now it has! Hmm. I am sure he thought it would take longer...
Much less stress for you now that the house sales are out of the way. (I still have it hanging over my head.. waiting for my H's friend to come and paint so that I can put it on the market.)
Interesting thought.. supposedly you sold that fast in a bad market and during a seasonably bad time? I heard the best months to sell your home are March, April and May!!! I hope you realize what a good job you must have done preparing your house for showing to have it sold so quickly!
I would LOVE a Jack! But I am going out to finish mowing Mower ran out of gas yesterday....so I get to finish today.
It is great that we sold b/c the average here for a home sale is around 5-6 months, and we did it in under 30 days. Also, I found my new house in one day on the internet, and one day to look at it....guess it is meant to be?!?
The one advantage we had is the 10 acres, creek, pasture, barn, and fencing (ok maybe that is more than one!). The new-ish houses in town are for sale on every street, literally. So there is a saturated market. For a house on 10 acres within 10 minutes of town and 15 minutes of the airport, there is a lot smaller supply...
Yeah, the mower battery was DEAD!!! Left the blade in the "on" position overnight after it ran out of gas....
Called H and he told me where to find the battery charger. His directions didn't work, it didn't charge. So I said thanks anyway. Then I READ THE BOOK!!! H had me put the neg. charger on the neg. battery post. I was supposed to put it on another piece of metal somewhere on the mower. Once I did that, it was no problem.
After mowing I called H to gloat. H actually said, "Sorry. Now that you say that, I remember my dad does that when he charges tractor batteries, but I didn't know that..." OK that was different...
Yeah, I enjoyed telling him "you were wrong" re. the battery charger
He can test the waters all he wants I am not going to fall all over myself for him again. Been there, done that, and got rewarded with what? Oh, yeah, crap....
My mom called a little while ago. She said she wanted to tell me how proud she was of me, because if I weren't keeping the house and yard beautiful WHILE packing up and watching two kids, it wouldn't have sold so fast. That was nice to hear. H will think it is b/c of the light fixtures he hung...
BBJ, I swear our Hs are in a contest to see which can be the biggest DAM. I guess I need to enter a contest with you to see which one of us can be the strongest woman that doesn't need a DAM. Maybe then Woog will stop swinging his 2x4.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Ladies, I will be with Sunshine with the Harley, but I will hook you up with either the boat or the sleds. Maybe I can find you a couple of nice guys to be your guides.
Feel free to hook me up with a nice guy who will teach me the finer points of snowmobiling as it is new to me but something I always wanted to do....he should also be witty with some sarcasm thrown in. I don't know how to find it, but I want him to be a MAN, no metrosexual for me. However, I also want him to LISTEN to me and SHOW me he cares...is that an impossible order?
I don't want a "sensitive" guy who cries more than I do, but I don't want a "tough guy" who won't "let me in", either...
I am sure you have several buddies who fit that description!
S had a meltdown again tonight, in part thanks to H. S asked H to play a computer game with him on-line last night (something where you can log on in different places but play together?? I am clueless). H told him he didn't bring his laptop home from work, but would tonight.
So S started in at 10 am, with "when do you think Dad will be home with his computer to play with me"? Seriously, he asked me ALL day....I texted H at 5:15, "Nate says take your laptop home".
H replied "Tell him I will".....
Can you guess what happened??
S called H at 8:45 to say goodnight and ask him to get on-line. (H has asked that I have the kids call HIM since "I know when they go to bed" ). Anyway, it rang and went to VM. S left a message. Then I dialed up the in-laws' house in case H was there but his cell had no signal--it has happened.
MIL told S that H was on a trip to his buddy Doug's to drop off a cow....
H called back, talked to S, said he wouldn't get home until after S was in bed but they could do it "tomorrow" (again...).
I got to deal with S's pissy attitude for the next 30 minutes. At bedtime he said he was mad at everyone, we talked and of course it was about H. He missed him, wanted to see him, wanted to play with him....S actually asked me to pray to God to help him not be mad.
After S fell asleep I got to work but couldn't focus. So I called H and with NO EMOTION (scary I am good at that finally) relayed what happened. Of course H acted like he felt like SH!T. I say acted b/c who ever knows for sure?
Anyway I told him that I was very concerned about S, he said the same. I said he needed to figure out where he was living and what he was doing so we could give S (and D) a consistent routine/schedule and not leave them disappointed or confused. So we are supposed to talk about that this weekend while we pack I guess....
You're too funny with your specifications. Have a peaceful night. Give a hug to the kids for all of us. Well, I guess tomorrow when they awaken. I am proud of you regarding the selling of the house, congrats. Be Christ centered.
Sorry you had to deal with the fall out of H's $hit AGAIN. They just don't get it. I had to deal with D10's meltdown yesterday and a couple on vacation. H is clueless about this and when I mentioned making appt. for them next week after we drop the D bomb on them he said no. They don't like being there so why make them go. I guess they shove there heads so far up the ars that they can't see what is going on.
Now get your ars in bed...that is where I'm headed.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
Wish I could, I need to organize all the files in our file cabinet so I can pack them up--I have a pile of bills I have paid in the past few months and I need to put them in the proper folders before I pack them up. I hate unpacking and having lost a bill or something and feeling screwed-up from the start.
Did I mention I typed labels for all the moving boxes? They are color-coded, magenta for me and the kids, aqua for H. OK, I admit it, I am a loser.....
At least I will be watching Pride and Prejudice while I file!! And no, Jeff, I never saw the BBC one but heard great things. I have never seen this movie in ANY version. I am sure it is probably one that will make me cry??
Did I mention I typed labels for all the moving boxes? They are color-coded, magenta for me and the kids, aqua for H. OK, I admit it, I am a loser.....
At least I will be watching Pride and Prejudice while I file!! And no, Jeff, I never saw the BBC one but heard great things. I have never seen this movie in ANY version. I am sure it is probably one that will make me cry??
You are not a loser, BbJ!
Yeah, it might make you cry, but it is kind of fun, too! I like the BBC one better, I think, but it is way longer! But has more details. W often watched it at night to go to sleep to. So, eventually, I saw the whole thing. Both versions.
I love her too. She is gorceous and looks smart. And she is so young!! ( I swear, I feel I am soon to enter my own MLC, age comes to my mind very often lately).
BBJ, You sound like you are adopting my sleeping habits. NO GOOD. Start sleeping well again. I am trying hard to get some decent sleep but it seems I have other things I like doing more (dreaming awake)... You know ILY, listen to Woog. K
Too tired this morning with less than 5 hours of sleep. The only dream I had I can't remember clearly, I just remember OW was in it. Or should I say ow. Ick.
So much to do with the move only 2 days away....
FYI, I will have to unhook mr. computer on Sunday afternoon. The cable/internet people do not come until Thursday next week, so I will be almost 5 days without computer. As Kalni mentioned, I don't want you to think I was hit by a bus or something....I shall try to get to the library somewhere in there to check in, but it will be a busy time...
Good morning BBJ. I wish I could help you with the packing. All your organizing will pay off when you start to unpack. Love the colored labels. Are you a teacher or something? LOL
P.S. My thread locked so I will be moving sometime today.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
I'm sorry your H is such a DAM. Go dark, really dark. I did that is best I could the last time my H told me he wanted a D and I saw him trying to get back into my life. I still don't hold out hope for us, but it is a start. 
H took S out on the tractor while D and I took a nap! Then S came in for a snack and now they are back on the tractor.
.
then had to go to the other one!). Then picked up kids from daycare, drove them to babysitter :(. She watched them while I mowed in 92 degree heat with 80% humidity. I no sooner picked them up and got home, and the realtor was literally waiting in the driveway. He had just left and I was cooking dinner when H called. So I just couldn't do it...
). Anyway, it rang and went to VM. S left a message. Then I dialed up the in-laws' house in case H was there but his cell had no signal--it has happened.