I agree prob. a lot of us may not have nurtured our R's as much as we should have, but I think every marriage is going to have tough times or times where you're busy or don't pay as much attention as you should, or you're depressed (like I was) or sick, or whatever. And when you're married you don't or shouldn't find an OP and just bail on the marriage. Because I think every marriage goes through patches like that. I used to take 50/50 blame with our marriage blowing up, or maybe even more than that, but I'm not so sure anymore about that...Karen
Karen, I couldn't agree more. And sometimes people do everything as right as possible, yet the WAS still bails. But for me, at this point, it is not a matter of assigning relative blame (I know that's not what you meant) -- but rather identifying my part, and trying to fix it so it doesn't affect my future R's.
My first M was so awful, I thought all I had to do was find someone better and everything would be great. Then when I did, I went into cruise control. I think that might be one factor why second M's are more likely to fail than the 1st -- That many just think it is a matter of finding the right person, a better person. Boy did I learn the hard way.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
The counselor I meet with every once in awhile asked if I noticed a pattern with H. She figured it out right away but I didn't til she pointed it out. Our marriage, like everyones, had ups and downs, peaks and vallies. I stayed 'level' during H's vallies, not the *most* supportive, but I was there. I had one valley, and H bolts.
When my wife was having her affair, I kept saying -- to her, to our adult daughters, to my in-laws and to my own parents: I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU/SHE WANTS TO FLEE SO FAST -- what it is about this marriage that you/she finds SO horrible, that you/she has to run away from it as fast as you/she possibly can? I was like "Sure, we have had our challenges, and I'm not perfect, but if the best thing you can come up with (her complaints against me) are 'he spends too much time on his computer, and at those damned ballfields', then THAT is worth FLEEING from??? WTF????"
I could cut and paste this into my thread. I have posted many times nearly the exact same thing. I agree completely.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I looked back through my emails and it's interesting how the argument went from "the little things were annoying me" to "I need space to determine what my real feelings for you are," followed by "I don't want to be involved with OM but I can't deny my feelings." This last was when she moved out, and, after meeting with IC, announced she wanted a D and felt "relieved and good" about ending the R. Her line now is that she is relieved and thrilled to be on her own "or at least comfortable."
So, I interpret this as the slide from OM to her need for complete independence. No one ever tries to cage her, so she tends to think the possibility someone might cage her is grounds for fleeing. Crazy. And immature. And the OM is her inability to handle being in a committed R. I have to wonder how many others there have been.
Okay, didn't mean to babble. Just convincing myself of all the reasons I don't want her back without a MAJOR effort on her part - which I know she won't do.
Hmm... coming back here and re-reading that last post made me realize that it sounds pretty negative. Just to clarify, I'm a nice guy - too nice. I'm kind and polite and caring when I see her. She takes advantage of that. She's just caught up with herself right now.
So, here I am. Late night. So many sitches from so many friends I should respond to but I just don't have the energy. I'm so far behind on work that I feel like I can barely breathe. I didn't finish something I've been putting off for weeks and what'll I say tomorrow AM? I'm not getting paid for it so could never justify spending the time on it, but feel guilty that I didn't come through.
The past half-year has really screwed with my ability to concentrate. The world seems to shift, fluctuate, twist in my vision. Everyone is constantly wanting something from me and no one is willing to give anything except a few close friends.
I feel damaged. I cry easier than I ever have before. I suspect others of being disingenuous. I just see myself alone in the future. I feel removed from myself - not due to W but because the sitch has shifted everything and made me question my own foundations.
And of course I don't understand my sitch and I WANT to understand. I accept that I may never have an answer, but accepting isn't very satisfying.
So again I think of others - all they're going through. RTL is in his prepped house but isn't going to paint. Smartcookie moving onto digestive system. Karen's car is in the shade and Kat's in a silky nightie. gForce is trying to be positive. Kerry is in SE Oregon. WCW has sore hands and needs to sleep. H4H is MIA and we're anxious. H4u is sending something to the smiley face. Bridgestone is busy and conflicted - never a good combination, in my experience. Whitney is nervous about tomorrow. girlfromipanema is dreaming. So is gypsy. But Kalni's having coffee.
And me? who knows. it changes from day to day. Where do you start to look for meaning when your foundation is suddenly gone? That's an issue we all face - LBS & WAS. The world has been shifting, twisting, skewing, and suddenly it comes into sharp focus and it is not at all what we thought we were looking at.
I'm sure this all sounds more nostalgic, more introspective, more depressed and melancholic than it actually is. Spare your 2x4s, your attempts to fix me - this is just a late night ramble. It is what it is and nothing more.
To find yourself, you should return to what makes you happy. Not who makes you happy. For example, the rafting. It's the only example of what makes you happy that I know of. But I'm sure there are others. You need to once again feel yourself centered within yourself, and from the core of your being know that you are doing what you should do. If you hold onto the center everything will be alright.
You're right. What makes me happy is being outside and doing things with my friends. School and work are conspiring right now to keep that from happening and it's frustrating. I'll keep plugging away ...
