Craig54, I had to come back. How else am I going to save my family? How else am I going to walk away from this with my dignity?
Brandnewday, No I'm not going to stop loving her. Just like tonight when I picked up my son. I still wanted to hug her. So we did. She said she smelled. I said you smell wonderful. Really the only thing I could smell is her scent because she was wearing her bathrobe. She smells like the ice cream shop. Stale vanilla cones.
Ok her scent and stale vanilla cones. What a combo. Gosh I could really just eat her alive I love her so much.
You have the basics down. Yet you seem to forget them sometimes.
What you read in the book.. or here.. is designed to give you some guidelines. The thing you missed was if someone wrote down exactly what to do.. you would miss it.
You are trying to find a solution to the problem at hand.. with the quickness. While it can work like that.. it usually does not.
"Now this laundry thing is going to kill me."
Ok.. so someone says.. tell her she can't.. you do it.. it does not come out exactly the way you planed.. fair enough. DB'ing is about "testing" and seeing what works. You took it and got too "over the top" with it.
In order to be effective.. you have to "move" all the time. You have to pick the important parts out.. and disregard the rest.
"Dark" is a word.. it does not have the meaning you think it does. You did not go "Dark" on us here.. we knew you would be back. If you go "Dark" to prove a point.. you are using it incorrectly. I have used it incorrectly.. a few times.
"If she starts doing the manic phase and bounces from cell, to text, to home phone, back to cell, etc... I have to stop it."
That you go "Dark" on.
"I don't respond to her unless she responds to me."
In your situation.. you may need to watch for something. You can't txt her with.. "Crap" and then wait for her to respond. You txt.. with important stuff. Hey the kids had a great day.. or kids are at MIL/babysitter. Not.. You need to let the anger go.
"Look I can live with her doing the laundry here. If I tell her no she gets pushed away further."
So stop it. Let her come and go as she pleases. Maybe say can you call first? If you really want me to be a dick.. have the detergent set out for her. Really in the scheme of things.. what are you losing here? If you let her do it.. she is not walking all over you. Heck I would imagine some people here would want their S coming by to do laundry. It gives you the opportunity to shine. That would be something different.
"It's the BS that she wants to be my friend but doesn't want anything to do wiht me. Do not friends spend time together."
They do.. but if that friend said.. I am going to take a break.. would you not wait for him to call you?
"How and when should I enforce the boundries?"
Right now.. I don't know. When I see something.. I will let you know.
"Some study said to only talk to your spouse about important things between 10 AM and 2 PM. I mean I'm thinking about requesting a meeting with her. The problem is we would need to do it without the children around. "
No!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"Heck I would imagine some people here would want their S coming by to do laundry. It gives you the opportunity to shine. That would be something different."
This was also my first thought. I was thinking she would come over and do the laundry and spend some time with the family. However she isn't doing that. She comes during the day while I'm at work.
Also my other thought was if she is doing laundry here then she isn't going to nag me about money. She isn't going to file for child support.
Also I think she keeps returning to the house because this is her home. This is the home she brought her children home too. I don't think she can let go herself. I think it does give her comfort to be here.
I mean her orginal idea was to divorce me and live in the same house.
Gosh she can think all she wants that she is on her own but she is not. She is driving my vehicle that I'm paying for. She is insured by what I'm paying for. Her health insurance is still being paif for by me.
If it goes to a divorce then these things will change.
Look I don't want it to get so ugly over stupid laundry and end up refianciang the house and taken her off the deed and title.
If I do take her off the deed and title then she will have no right to come into the house.
One thing I know is I'm not sure what is going to happen with my job. In a couple of monthes I might be unemployed. I may feel totally different about the situation then I might feel a month from now.
Something else I want to reiterate. She said she wanted to be clelibate while we were seperated.
We have taken no legal action. There is no agreement about money. There is no agreement about child schedule.
Her girlfriend told me that she just needs her space and time.
I have to be calm. I have to be loving. I'm not going to give her any money.
This was also my first thought. I was thinking she would come over and do the laundry and spend some time with the family. However she isn't doing that. She comes during the day while I'm at work.
Phil, IF she wanted to she would go to a public laundramat,it would be easier for her in some ways.
Maybe this is her way of still being able to keep her foot in the door, please don't cut it off.
I understand the rules should change if she is abusing her visits, but these people that we love are so lost and so stupid, and as long as they still feel that the door is open for them, it gives them somethng to think about.
You are going to have to let her set the pace in this relationship. It is a long journey, but honestly Phil, you don't want her back like this. She needs to get her sh*t together first.
Your focus right now needs to be on your job situation and the children, not your wife. Don't tell her your problems, or your concerns, vent them here.
Keep leaving the breadcrumbs out, eventually she will follow them home.
Quote:
I mean her orginal idea was to divorce me and live in the same house.
That is typical Phil. My Husband also thought that we could co-parent together while being Divorced and live in the same home together. They have no concept of reality or how insane they really are.
Laugh it all off, because one day, you really will find all of ths totally humerous. My Husband actually refers to some of his antics as MLC-moments.
Who would have thought??
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
phil, don't try to make sense of what your wife is doing and saying, that is what mlc does. my wife does the same thing. she also comes home and does her laundry. it does give me time to shine.my wife has not offically said she does not want the divorce. but she certainly has not made much of an effort to do more than just file the first set of papers. i believe that is due to the fact that i have been able to back off and give her all the space and time she needs.it can be maddening, i admit that. but i try to keep focused on the goal. she knows i love her. you can do this phil. it takes time, it takes time and patience. most importantly it takes prayer.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
Can we just skip over all these bad parts? I was thinking the same thing. Keep leaving the crumbs out. When I did this addition she always wanted a front porch on the house. I said well its going to take such and such money, and I'm doing a big deck. Once I get the deck done, you might not want a front porch. I always held off on re shingling that part of the house in case I wanted to put a roof over the porch. There is a pallet of shingles sitting in the driveway and have been for over two years. She always complained about the shingles being an eyesore.
Well I think I'm finally going to move the shingles so they are out of the way. I never wanted to move them, because I always knew it was going to be a waste of energy.
Maybe I'll move the shingles so they are out of sight. If I find out what is going on with my job, maybe I can start the front porch. I have a few other smaller projects I would like to do though.
I guess acting as if, would just to continue doing my projects on the house. There is always something to do.
Journal:
Gee more confusion and more mixed signals. Pick up son at 8 last night. She actually talks to me at the doorway. She is in her bathrobe, and says she has to take a shower. Tells me she is naked. I say I like that. She smiles. She seems all normal I mean she seemed like a normal person. Not some manic tired exhasted venom spewing snake. Tells me how a professional football was at ice cream shop and she got his picture with him because one of the young girls wanted it. Then she was asking football player where professional hockey player was, because they always hang out. So football player called hockey player. Football player is such a flirt with the ladies, so he was feeding off her too. I think she likes the attention, and all the little girls at the shop. Wife waited at the store till 6:30 for him to show up because her friend I call the pig girl had an emergency. The daycare center caught on fire. Everyone got out without injury. Her sons belongings were lost in the fire. The hockey player didn't show up until 7:30. I said what is the fascination with hockey player. Oh I just always liked him back in the day since they one the stanley cup. The hockey player came to our church a couple of times to do signings. Prebomb she was so nervous to meet him. After bomb she took a picture with him and our son and daughter. The guy is married. Not that this stops anybody...
Then she said to son before you leave let me kiss you up. I said what about me. She said do you want a hug. I said yeah. Then we hugged and we said I love you. She said she stinks. I said I think you smell wonderful. It's because I can smell her skin behind the stale vanilla waffle cones. She rubs her hand on my chest. We agreed that I could drop off son to her in morning to cut down on my commute.
She called at 10 I talked to her for a little while, but she wasn't interested. I told her I bought her a banana holder for her counter. She asked why? I said it was only a dollar and you always have banana's on the counter. I couldn't pass it up it was made of cast iron. She just wanted to talk to son. That lasted 30 seconds.
This morning I take son and I have to call her cell from the doorway. She says she just got out of the shower and is getting dressed. I take son to the couch. I put the banana holder on the coffee table. She said, where are the banana's. My mind is ready to implode, but I stay cool and say noting. I'm getting ready to walk out and she grabs me and hugs me. Then I hug her harder. She says I'm hurting her. I tell her sorry for squeezing so hard. ( I always remember the story of how I first hugged her when we starting dating. She said it was such a warm strong hug, and nobody ever hugged her that way before. I guess my theory is that I'm trying to relive that hug.)
Then I leave and she walks me out. I don't want to leave and it seems like she doesn't want me too. She is standing at the doorway and by her body language she isn't rushing anything. But we both have to get to work.
Man, I don't know... Where are the banana's??????? She's banana's!!!!
Oh and by the way. I'm validating and listening the whole time she is telling me about the day care center fire. I said could you imagine getting that call. I would be horrified. She is like I know what a mother would feel like if I got that call. She said she would be hysterical. I said I know you would. It would be the worst call at work anybody could receive.
You know, the way she talks about it she acts like she isn't a mother anymore.
"Someday maybe you will choose to be with me son?"
I'm sitting here wondering why I'm not getting a call about what is going on with kids. So I call her shop. She still sounds pleasant and says she will pick them up. She said she has been so busy today that she hasn't had time to call them. I say ok and I'll let you go since you are busy. No plans for tonight... I'm not asking anymore. I could have suggested dinner, but forget it.
Sounds like you are still on a bit of a rollercoaster but are handling it pretty well. The good thing is that it looks like there is a lot of positives on your rollercoaster. I heop you have a good weekend.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Put it this way. Son is with me tonight. I golfed incredible. I sat on the stoop with her at her place. I asked her if she had any laundry. She said her mom did it. I said I don't mind if you do laundry at house just call me to tell me you are goin in the house. Everything was cool and then it got stupid. I was repremanding daughter about something and she got pissed. I got up and turned and broke a planter by accident. All hell broke loose. We hugged. She said yeah you want to hug me after you ream me out. I said some sh|t on leaving. You need to get your head out of your a$$. Rolled eyes.... You kids don't even want to be with you. She said they don't want to be with you either. I said yeah that's why I'm here picking up son. She didn't know what to say. Well have a good night...
I texted her on the way home. Sorry about the planter. I love you. She text back. It's ok I'll get another.
Then her and I and son have been texting back and forth playing trivia prusuit.
