I don't have any cool pirate stuff to offer as an incentive but you will end up with a little more peace and self respect...
NO MORE TEXT MESSAGES
At least try it for one whole week.
Yes and No answers only, nothing deep and meaningful.
Watch what happens when she is not getting your full attention.
I see from the interactions between both of you that you are pursuing way too much.
Stop with the needy talk, it is pushing her away.
Are you afraid that if you do not tell her these things she will forget that you love her?
You can't stop this woman mid course.
She has to go through the whole thing, from start to finish.
She has to do all of the work to rid herself of the demons.
This is her journey, not yours.
BUT...
You are on your own separate journey, and I think you are figuring that out for yourself.
Please do not do anything to make her life easier in the way of refinancing, or buying "stuff" stuff that she thinks she needs.
You have to protect yourself financially, so that she can not go on any wild spending sprees.
You have absolutely no idea as to the damage these MLC'ers can do. They are like kids in a candy store and have no self control whatsoever.
I think I told you before, but there is a great book out there called Women In MLC by Conway. Maybe it might give you a little more perspective. There is also another called Perfect Daughters.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Yes, I did read your entire stitch. I was off work one day and it took most of the day (on & off) to read it and just as I thought I had reached a place where I could finally send a post....they shut it down. I was sort of ticked about that....lol. But, I was glad that they immediately put you back on again. That happened to me once and I didn't know what the heck I had done, but I was copying and pasting a website that I thought would be so helpful to all the men out there......and that was a no-no and the next thing I knew....wham, I was closed out. So, I try to be careful not to do that anymore. Guess I need to review the rules from time to time.
Glad you responded to my post and explained about your son and the bedwetting situation. I agree, it is laziness on your wife's part. It would be the same if you had a two-year old child you were trying to potty train when at your house, but she put diapers on him instead of dealing with the pain taking steps the potty training require.
I think your W is in some type of crises, for sure. I also think she "gets off" by showing up looking like a sex kitten to get your blood stirred up (amoung other things) and knowing that you can't do anything about it. And, the way she marching in your house and stalks around like she still is the mistress of the home and doing her "inpection" is to get a rise out of you (but in this case, not a sexual rise......just anger). But then she knows that you are sexually aroused by her looks and can't do anything about it plus she has made you angry on top of it and then she leaves you to stew all night.....at least that is what she "wants" to do (I think). It is her little games she is playing. She gets a kick out of pushing your buttons.
If she is trying to look 16 again and dressing like you described, I'm afraid something bad is going to happen to her before she finally realizes she is a mother of two and needs to behave and dress as such. But, if I had the youth and the body to do that.....who knows?......I might have tried it when I was going through my crises (but I don't think I would have gone quite that far....not at my age...lol). I only said that b/c being through a tiny bit of it myself, I know how crazy women can get and I've seen some women my age try to do it.....and it looks disgusting.
Do you know why your daughter stayed in the car the entire time your wife was in the house walking around doing laundry and doing her "inspection" of things? I know teenagers are usually using the ipods or whatever instead of being with their parents, so it may just be something that simple. I do wished she showed more interest in spending time with you b/c a daughet's father is such an important figure in her life, as I'm sure you realize. (The D may have known that there would be tension between the two of you and just decided not to go in to see it displayed.)
May I ask how your wife allows the daughter to dress? Do you think she tries to pass as the daughter's sister instead of her mom? If she is trying to look and act younger and is flirting with young guys (your wife, I mean), then it may be only a matter of time before she will not want the other men knowing she has a "daughter" that age. Do you think she and the daughter are more like two teenagers out on the town together and your W doesn't use much discipline with her is why the D chose to stay with her mom? It would make a lot of sense, if that was the case. At that age, they usually try to play the parents against each other even when they all live together. So, it stands to reason that the D is going to be with the one she thinks she will have the most "freedom" to do whatever she wants.
I think the more you can stick to your resolve to stay calm and not allow your W to push your buttons, the better you will eventually be. It is so hard b/c you still love her and she will always have that special place in your heart. That is why she is so successful in getting the results she is after, b/c if one thing doesn't work, she'll try another. I have to wonder why she is so infatuated in playing these "games" with you if she wants a D and to really be out of your life.....unless it is as some others have suggested.....she likes the drama. I have known some "drama queens" that had rather have a crises than be bored! So, they produce their own drama! Is that crazy or what? Kind of sounds like what you may have there.
Well, just wanted you to know that I care and I sure hope things get settled down soon. I will continue to keep up with your stitch. BTW, I think it is good that you have started posting when you are just journaling to let everyone know that is what you are doing.....getting things off your chest. Everyone has to have an outlet. As I have told many, this has been my therapy b/c I could not get my H to go with me to C and the few I tried to go alone was a bust.....one even told me that I had read so much, that I knew nearly as much as she did! It sounds like I am bragging, but she was an intern....lol. But, it is very difficult to find a pro-marriage counselor around where I live and they probably don't even know what DB is all about.
I have one more question and then I'll let you go. Why does your wife feel that she has to text you morning and night to see how the son is, when he is in your care? I mean, is she being a "caring" mother or is she showing that she doesn't think you are cabable of doing the job? It seems to me that she is the one that is showong a lack of be capable of taking mature responsibility for him (the bedwetting for example). Not trying to make an "issue" out of it, but it just seems that I see this all the time when you are journaling....her constantly calling to see what you are doing, where you are, and all under the quise of being concerned about the son. Hummmmm
Oaky, well, take care and I'll talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, daughter is eight so we can scratch a lot of that post. She wants D to try like a little girl, but D isn't having it. D wants to wear sports clothes.
D and I did spend a lot of time together before she moved out. We went ice skating a lot, fishing, bowling, to the mall. Etc...
I think my wife loves the attention at the ice cream shop and she can act like queen b in front of the little girls. My wife is a really beautiful redhead.
Yes your right my wife always disquises how is son issue but really wants to know what we are doing.
Today she had daughter call me to tell me that they were on there way to pick up son to go to church. They were going to the church she grew up in and were we got married. However I wasn't invited. She was taking kids down inlaws and she has to work at four. Our nephew was coming home from being on vacation with his father. SIL and that mess.
I went to the church in our neighborhood. I was asked to be the usher. I almost lost it in church. The girl signing sounded like an angel. Psalm 69. Lord in your great love, answer me.
At the end of mass I talked to priest. He said Phil how you doing. I told him a bunch of stuff. He said to just keep praying.
Then the head usher asked me to be an steady usher at noon mass. I'm kind of young to be getting the honor of the jacket. I left church and lost it again walking to my vehicle. I sat in the car and just cried for about five minutes. Then I went to eat.
Then wife calls me at 10 to 3. I'm dropping off son soon. I was cutting grass didn't get the call and I didn't respond.
Son and wife show up with no dauther. She said D wanted to stay down there and play with cousin.
Then she started again with the yard being a mess and started picking weeds. I said well I don't have time to take care of house, do everything, go to school and go to work. She said it was nice having a wife wasn't it, and then she snickered. I said what is that suppose to mean. She said well you didn't realize how much I did. I said what is that suppose to mean. She said you didn't realize how much I did. I said you act like I didn't do anything around here. She said I didn't say that.
She was trying to get a rise out of me, but it wasn't working. She was pulling that look how good you had it when I was here attitude. She always said I never appreciated her and what she did. Is she trying to teach me a lesson? Because I'm not getting a lesson from it. I always knew how much she did. I always thought the work load was equal for the house and the family. Now it isn't at all.
What responsibilities does she have. She lives in a house and doesn't have to worry about maintenance. She is never home and son is with me the messy one. So how messed up does her place get. She doesn't really cook meals.
Sandi, I'm really going to have to read your long A post and get back to you on some of those issues.
I also have to write another post about the ghost issue and how her mother overeacted to everything when wife was growing up.
I think that is where most of the issues stem from.
Son badgered me all day yesterday while shopping to get a hamster. I told him no. He asked his mother today and she told him yes. Now son wants to stay with her tonight, and all honesty I need a good nights rest. I called her to tell her and she said what is up with him. She says she doesn't want him to stay because she just wants to get home and go to bed. She is going to work till about 12 and she has to work at 10 AM in morning. (BOOOO HOOOOOO!) Daughter is down inlaws. Why should she get another free night. She is the one that said he could get a hamster.
Really my son has been driving me crazy all day. He constantly needs something. Wants something or is into something. Every 5 minutes they are either hungry or bored. I can't seem to get anything done. At least I fixed the garage door opener. I must have fixed that thing ten times and wife would always break it by jamming the door with something. Then I would have to monkey with all kinds of adjustments to get it working again. The last time she broke it, I said I'm never fixing it again. Wonder when she'll jam it again.
I guess the comment did get to me. It was nice having a wife around doing everything.
The one question that rang out. "I have one more question and then I'll let you go. Why does your wife feel that she has to text you morning and night to see how the son is, when he is in your care? I mean, is she being a "caring" mother or is she showing that she doesn't think you are cabable of doing the job?"
Because she is a freak about the kids. When they were babies she was worried that they would stop breathing. Which is why she starting sleeping on the floor in their room. She has to constantly have a watchful eye on them. She will not even let them play in our yard without her being around them. She is constantly worried that someone is going to take the kids. If we were in a public place they couldn't run off in the distance. She is super beyond over protective about the kids. She wouldn't even let me take both kids somewhere pre-bomb. She said I didn't watch them good enough. I grew up in the city. I work in the city. I can sense danger. I walk around and fear no one. (Mt 10:26)
Yeah, the woman has some issue's... When she left she thought I was going to stalk her and kill her. She said I was a Scott Peterson canidate. She needs to stop watching the news.
I remember how upset she was about the woman that was in a vegetated state for 9 years and her husband took her off the life support. I told her if that happened to me don't let me life like that. She said she wanted to live, because you just never know what could happen.
Am I being tested?
Journal:
Last night she did come and pick up son. She rang the doorbell. I finally answered the door. I said you still have a key and you know if we are in the back we can't hear the doorbell. Oh I forgot and I have the car running still.
She came in. Looked around came in great room and son was chilled out. She asked if he was going with her. He said yes. She said what is up with you wanting to be with mommmy.
Then she said Daddy will be loving life not sleeping with a dolphin. Son wanted me to carry him out so I did. She didn't really say anything else but she was looking at our pirate stuff. Last night son and I made a powder keg so our Pirate statue can stand on it.
I had some lumber left over from the log walls. It is a 2x6 milled to look like a log, which I used in the great room to give it the log cabin look. One side is stone the other side a log wall. Well I cut them into a foot long pieces and made it into a circle. Cut some tops out of plywood and nailed it up. I used a torch to burn the grain out. Looks just like a powder keg. I'm going to paint TNT on it or something. Son was so excited.
When I took son to car she walked ahead of me. No contact, no talking. I put him in his booster seat and kissed him up and told him to be good for mommy and to call me tomorrow. She said goodbye. I said goodbye. Then I walked away didn't look at her went into the house shut the door and turned out the light before she got out of the driveway. No texting from either side.
No contact this morning. Really why do I expect any.
Haven't posted to you before but have read through your recent threads. It seems you are still very angry, but improving most of the time with your interactions with your wife.
I agree with BND about the "sappy" texts - stop those. They don't help and in fact they could push her the other way. As weird as that sounds - it's true. Stop throwing the digs in "you don't want me, etc." because those won't help either.
I'm not sure what your visitation schedule is like with your daughter but it seems you don't have her that often. My girl is 8 and I'll tell you she needs her dad a lot more than she has him. Please work on calling her names (whether to her or your wife) and work on building her self esteem, etc. If she feels her dad doesn't like her, why would she want to hang with you?
I'm not condemning - just offering some observations.
It's really hard to get to a place where you have no expectations. Months after my divorce was final, I still had expectations based on his previous behavior. Those bit me in the butt
So........I guess keep up the work on the house, etc. Do those things that keep you busy, keep your mind occupied and have patience with your kids. If things DON'T work with your wife, you need to be there for them regardless.
I wish you well.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
At 9:10 she calls us. Says put son on phone. First words. He talks to her for about 10 seconds and says can I tell her where we are at. I said sure. We went to the drive in and were watching speed racer.
She gets back on phone. She's screaming at me. Why didn't you call to ask daughter about going to movies? In a calm voice I ask her to settle down. I said I asked you guys to go to dinner, you never called. You never call me about anything. You never tell me where you are going. Why do I need to tell you were we are at. I get it dear, you don't want nothing to do with me. What I'm saying is I'm done trying with you. I didn't want to call and get rejected and I don't care if I get rejected. I didn't want to listen to sass mouth either. I know she is our daughter but she is a smart a$$. I said I get it. I understand you want nothing to do with me.
I truncated the message since it was a bit lengthy. But see the red. Work on that - please.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
"I didn't want to call and get rejected and I don't care if I get rejected. I didn't want to listen to sass mouth either. I know she is our daughter but she is a smart a$$."
This was not said to her. This is what I was thinking. I didn't use the punctuation properly to let the reader know if it was a quote or a thought.
I know what you mean though. I could see how it looked like I was calling my daughter names to my wife when you read it. Those were thoughts, which prompted the question to you about why you thought I was calling her names.
