There is a quote from the movie "Shall we Dance" that I love----
Why is it that people get married? Because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet. What does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything… The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, All of it… all the time, every day. You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed - because I will be your witness.” Wife in the movie, "Shall We Dance?" 2004
That's really beautiful.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I am not sure yet if it is a deal breaker. I just know I am not going to do anything more to "fix" things, work on things, etc. If H wants things to be different, he would have to do the difficult for him task of admitting it.
We talked last night until 2:10 a.m. He basically started out by saying he saw no way to come back from this b/c I would always hold the infidelity over his head, says I did that the last time and it is too much to overcome. But 3 hours later he finished by basically saying that he never wanted to ruin his family, he still wants his family, wants to have the life he always wanted... It is hard to summarize a 3 hr conversation!
He says that the 48 hrs w/ow were "not fun at all" and I certainly don't feel bad for him there....says he wants to make it clear that she is NOT his girlfriend, he is NOT going to date her, she will NOT be any part of his and the kids' life no matter what. Funny, wonder how she would like hearing that after just taking a trip with him...I asked how he could say he is not dating her when they were just on a trip and he said b/c he isn't...??I also made a comment about her getting pregnant b/c they don't use protection (she is allegedly on the pill) and said I would hate to see S handle suddenly having another sibling when mommy and daddy are still married....H hadn't thought of that I think and looked a little sick at the idea.
Anyway a lot was said but I don't know that any of it makes a difference. His biggest concern seemed to be that if we tried again I would consider him 100% the villain and the only one who needs to change.....I told him I have already made it clear that I have made mistakes but his A is the biggest mistake of all to me. He agreed...
We went to church this morning all together (us 4) and then had lunch together, h cooked and I did absolutely nothing. H took S out on the tractor while D and I took a nap! Then S came in for a snack and now they are back on the tractor.
Just before they went back out I casually asked H when he was moving to Tom's. (No agenda, seriously, just trying to make plans) He replied that he really didn't want to move there anymore. I said I was surprised, he had seemed really eager to move there. H looked at me for about 30 straight seconds (weird) like he wanted to say something, but didn't. Walked into the kitchen, turned around, did the same thing again. Then said, "Okay, I am going out now (w/S to tractor)". I said, I know. He looked at me again for a bit, and went out.
He is obviously his usual confused self.
I am not confused a bit. I am anxious to get home and do some more packing. Decided I WILL live in the new house, no reason to give up a house I really like just out of pride...Still moving to happy with my kiddies!
I am glad to see that you are taking the house. You and the kids deserve it.
He is confused. BBJ, please make him go get IC before even considering working on your marriage. The guy really needs a lot of help. I almost feel sorry for him.... almost.
Don't let him drag you down sis. You are too strong.
Proceed with caution! I know that your H still loves you and he is confused, but I would think LONG and HARD before I let him back in my life without doing some major work. The fact that he was out of town with OW does not have to be a dealbreker. In fact, he can do that without any recourse because you all are seperated. The issue is that he lied. He should not still be lying. If you guys want a real chance of working it out he has to stop lying. I told you, his behavior reminds me of my H. He went out town (with friends supposedly) and before the plane could even touch down good he was at my front door. ML the next day. And today he is still confused and I am still hurting. Your H needs som MAJOR work on him. Set limits and boundaries until he makes the effort.
Limits/boundaries are in place. Other than H reaching an arm out to hug me (I let him but then walked out of the room) as I walked passed, I haven't touched him.
He is feeling the change in me, I can tell. He knows I am serious about this. He got up, he got the kids their breakfast, he went to the grocery store and made us all lunch, he figured out supper, etc. I did nothing for the first time EVER. I mean EVER, since the kids were born. I even took a nap.
While H was making supper I went in the bathroom to pack up my stuff to go home. I re-applied my makeup and perfume b/c being outside in the sun for church and to play w/the kids, plus taking a nap, I felt I needed a touch-up.
About 20 minutes later as I was getting a plate, H commented
"You sure got dolled up to go back to Kansas City?" (it was said almost as a question)
Me: Hey, you know me, I always like to look good because I DO look good. (confidence, party of one!)
Him "Well you sure smell good........."
I went right on getting a plate and moved forward.
When it was time to leave, he kept stalling it seemed, putting the kids in the car, checking their car seats twice, etc. Finally he came to my side of the car to kiss S goodbye (he sits behind me). He shut the door and was leaning against it. For like 15 seconds. I looked over and said,
"Are you just going to hang on and ride along all the way to Kansas City?" in a joking kind of way. H got all embarrassed and smiled and said, "no, I know..." So I said, OK, goodbye, and started out. He asked me to call when we made it and texted twice to see if we were ok on the way home.
I am too tired for anything more. Except one thing, he has obviously been thinking about this b/c during last nights' talk, he mentioned that he didn't know what could help except maybe "stopping once a week to dump out all of the stuff that has been irritating us so it doesn't pile up". I assume he means sharing our issues on a regular basis instead of piling up the resentment which is his usual approach. So apparently the man who said he had no intentions of working on things and the man who took his girlfriend on a business trip is now thinking of ways to "work on this". Ironic?
I have no intention of doing anything right now except moving into my house. H has said he can't change (and that I can't change but that is BS). So I am hesitant to open myself back up knowing that...............
for me, he can NOT take OW on a trip with "no recourse" because we are separated. For ME, we are married until we are no longer married. Period. It will NEVER be okay for him or any one else to be with someone else as long as they are married. That is just my opinion, no offense...
I am just a silly old-fashioned Christian girl who thinks you should honor your marriage vow, and even if you divorce, you wait until then to be having sleepovers.
for me, he can NOT take OW on a trip with "no recourse" because we are separated. For ME, we are married until we are no longer married. Period. It will NEVER be okay for him or any one else to be with someone else as long as they are married. That is just my opinion, no offense...
I am just a silly old-fashioned Christian girl who thinks you should honor your marriage vow, and even if you divorce, you wait until then to be having sleepovers.
It may be old-fashioned, but it isn't silly. BJ - I agree with you 100% on this. Stay true to your beliefs, don't compromise your ethics just because others do. Even if W won't, I will honor the vows I made to our M until the D is final. The problem isn't the A, but lying about it? I don't think so.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
H took S out on the tractor while D and I took a nap! Then S came in for a snack and now they are back on the tractor.
