Where is the real me? What do I want?

[Purple]

Hi All,

I'm not sure where I fit.

I have been separated from h since Jan '07 after I basically asked him to leave the house after he disclosed that he had a fling (EA which included sex only once) in Sep 06 with someone that we both knew. Someone who I considered as much a friend as I thought he did.

We have a 7 year old daughter who is with me most of the time. I work full time.

While we were separated (and I thought we were working on ourselves with the view to eventually being able to decide whether we should be together) he had several relationships with other women that I didn't find out till long after the fact. To me these relationships felt like affairs. One of these ex g/f's of his has been hassling him with phone calls and then has called me from time to time. I hang up on her these days. She seems to have left us both alone now after h told her by text that he didn't want to be part of her life. Another ex that he went out with for about 4 months has gone back to her husband. h told me he was 'devastated' and 'heartbroken' when he found out, even though he was the one that broke it off with her. He shouldn't have told me that. I don't need to hear that sort of thing. Problem is, I let him tell me. I let him lean on me. Where are my boundaries?

I haven't been with anyone else. I don't know if I want to be back with him. I do know that we both need to work on ourselves for a while. I do know I need to be stronger in my boundaries.

He is making moves that seem to indicate that he wants us to be back together but has not explicitly said so. He seems to have changed in some ways after going to his native country for 4 weeks for some faith healing.

I was getting along with my life and I even told him I wanted a divorce in Jan after he told me he wanted to get back together (while he was still going out with the girl who has since gone back to her h!).

We have been seeing each other to try and see if we can get along and we seem to in some ways be okay with each other but we are more often than not ending up in bed. He is fairly persistent with wanting to ML. I've been without sex for sometime and I love the attention but I don't think we should be having sex as I don't have the emotional boundaries to be able to stand firm if I don't want to ML. I just want to be close to him and spend time with him. I don't want to ML, it confuses things waaay too much. It feels good at the time, but then I think later on that I should not have acquiesced as I feel like I let myself be persuaded rather than making my own clear decisions (as to whether to ML or not)

Our counsellor told us both that we should not date each other and only speak when it is to do with our d7. He doesn't like that at all. I can see where the C is coming from but I'm not sure I agree either. If only we could spend time with each other without the sex, then I could see if I want to be with him. I'm not sure if any of this is clear and there is heaps more to the story but they're the things that are standing out for me at the moment. If I say to him that we should do what the counsellor suggests, he'll be p1ssed and that will be the end of us being friendly - the stress will start all over again with him being cold and I get anxious and it is not good for our daughter to see that sort of tension.

Where should I post to find similar people? I guess I feel like a potential WAW but he is the one that did the walking and infidelity.

[Ready2Change]

Sorry you are here, but you found a good place for support.

Newcomers is the best place to post right now. You will get the most visibility here. Keep posting in this thread until it locks up (About 100 posts).

[Purple]

How do I work out whether I want to be with him?

I can see that he was trying but last week and on Monday night I heard alien spew out of his mouth again. I don't want to be in a relationship where he makes up his mind what I meant by my behaviour and words and won't listen to me try to explain my side of things. Must remember to type the vacation care example to illustrate later.

This is not going to make sense to anyone but I am just going to type adn journal and see where it takes me. I have a paper journal but I have slowed down writing in it lately.

I read somewhere on here that their communication with their WAS is always riddled with misunderstandings. I feel that way with us, I wish I could feel relaxed talking to him but I don't. I can't even carry on a non-relationship conversation with him. He just doesn't seem that interested in the things I am interested in.

I can never find the words to explain myself. I'll be walking down the street and I'll be hit with clarity of how I feel and why and what I need to do but as soon as I start thinking about writing it down or typing it up, it goes whoosh out of my head.

[Purple]

Man...I just soooo don't trust him.

Everything he has lied to me about in the past taints almost everything he says now. I don't believe him. I don't believe myself. My gut says to move on. You don't love him. We are not good together except that we made a beautiful girl.

[saffie]

Purple,

How long have you been M'd? Why do you think your H felt the need to have these other R's with people?

[Purple]

I have been married for 11 years this year.

He felt I was never there for him. I used to work away from home (8 days on 6 days off) and he said that even when I was home I was on the computer checking my work emails.

that's how he had the first affair, which was mostly EA and was PA one time.

The others were after we separated. He thought I was done, I probably gave that impression. In my mind however, I felt that he was emotionally manipulating and controlling and even emotionally abusive at times (not physically though). I was using the separation to try and get my head straight, work out what I wanted, did I really love him, could I get past the nastiness that had occurred. In the meantime, I think that he felt that he couldn't be alone and filled up the void with other women and hid it from me. He told me half truths about these relationships, that they weren't physical etc. Sheesh, it sounds awful when I type it.

[Purple]

I haven't contacted him for three days other than to 'crack' and call him on Wed night to hear the sound of his voice. He didn't sound pleased to hear from me so I went to bed feeling miserable.

I just want to be able to sit with my feelings and not try looking for external factors (eg h) to bump me back up to normal speed again. Where is that line between knowing how to self-care and genuinely needing some external propping up (ie having someone else show belief in you).

I kinda don't want to talk to him because I have to deal with the situation. It's me running away again.

He did finally call me this morning to remind me to get d7 to wish his mum Happy Birthday. He seemed a little surprised that I had already called her myself but I promised that I would get d7 to talk to her too. A few minutes later he called up again and wanted to know what was going on (with us). I was madly rushing around cos I was late for work and told him I didn't have time to talk about it right now and that I would call him later.

When I got on the train, I did call him. I managed to explain a little bit of why I had pulled away and that it had taken me close to a week to figure it out (hell, I'm still figuring it out). I tried to explain that some of what he said really hurt and revealed the 'nasty h' that I feared was still underlying all his trying new behaviours.

[Purple]

Put it this way, I would rather lose him than lose myself again. It's up to me to set the boundaries and learn to be okay with his reaction (pouting, gets hurt, angry whatever). It's not my problem if he acts that way. He has even told me that, but it's still so incredibly hard to put what I want first without thinking that I'm being selfish. Then of course, it smacks me upside the head when h tells me that I AM being selfish. Sheesh....look, what did you say before? You told me that I shouldn't let your reactions dictate my actions. Back off buddy!!

[Ready2Change]

Hi Purple,

Have you figured out if you want to save the M?

Here is my 2Cents:

Do what is in the best interest of D7. Every decision you make, ask is this what is best for D7? I firmly believe that having both parents in a loving relationship is best for the children. Right now, my W is in selfish mode. I need to take the high road and love her even when she is lashing out at me. It is in the best interest of my kids that I take the high road and DB as hard as I can. I will get to a better place, and hopefully with enough time, W will see the "new me" and work on R....

[Purple]

I do know that I am not ready to divorce him.

Does that mean by converse (or whatever word you use) that it means I want to save the marriage? Not sure.

I want to be able to listen to my gut and make strong healthy adult decisions and love my inner child so that I don't have to rely on love and approval from others (especially h).

I want to be able to talk and communicate with a life partner who I share similar interests with. I want to be able to be a team so we both get the 'me' time we both need. I don't want to sacrifice myself on the cross of 'don't worry about me, i'll be fine'.

I wish my h would take the high road for longer than a week. He has changed some, but I still see 'nasty h' lurking ready to lash out from being hurt. But really, if we're having a competition here (and I know, I know, we are not) I think I have a right to be hurt more than he does. I'm having trouble not being really angry at what has happened in the past. I know I have to get past it but how do you do that in a healthy manner without stuffing it all in again?