Late here - just got back from taking my girls to their 2 week horse camp. I miss them already! It will be a lonely two weeks for me.
It sounds to me like your H is having his cake and eating it too, with you and the OW at his disposal. Sorry don't mean to be blunt, but if he is actively involved with someone else I think you should rethink the intimacy part with him, as hard as it is. You don't deserve that at all. If the intimacy is much better with you and he's not getting it because of the OW, maybe it will give him another incentive to stop seeing her and work on being with you - just a thought.
Also, instead of the OW being concerned about being charged for something, your H should be very concerned about being charged with adultery - the military tends to frown on that if it gets out what he is doing.
As for his statement that you won't want to be married to him after "things settle down" - I think that's his way of not feeling guilty about what he's doing. He's trying to make it sound like he's doing you a favor and you'll realize it after you have a job, house, etc. It's like my W, she is in total denial of how serious this is to the family and how weak her reasons are for wanting to just walk away.
Alright, here's the rest of the story. I let him know that I knew a lot more about her than he realized and that I've known for some time. I could've done the usual and contacted her, threatened her, scared her off...like I did to the others...but really, what would be the point? I actually know way more about her than anyone else. Yes, I could blow his career completely out of the water but where would that leave my children? (I didn't say that to him). He said, ok, then if you know so much, what's her first name? I told him then I added what her daughter's name was. I told him that I also knew her phone number and address. Then he hung up. He's tried calling several times since then but now I think what's done is done and I got the answers I needed. I sent him an email saying not to bother calling me and that I wasn't doing anything with the info.
So now I feel yukky and I know that you're right, Michelle. I should've been the better person. I got so caught up in how I felt with him last week and how he seemed to feel around me. Man, if you all could see the pictures, you would understand how I was getting mixed signals. I mean, I know you understand, but I feel so foolish. Everyone that sees them (and knows him) says that he really doesn't look like he doesn't want to be with me (and no, they're not 'naughty' pics. lol)
OMG, he just had the nerve to ask me if I was still going to go the the transportation briefing for him. Like this is a normal PCS move that we've done together many times! I told him, no, we need to keep our business separate now. He thinks that he has to force me to live on my own and make my own money so it's about time he didn't have the benefits of me being the efficient Army wife that I've been for years. He hung up. ARGHH!!!
Ok, it's getting ugly. I need to stop answering the phone. He just said that if he could figure out a way, he would take the children away from me. His girlfriend is in family law.
He said that he can't wait to have me out of his life so he can finally be happy. Whatever. I told him that he can't expect that he can walk away from his duty that is bound by honor and a commitment he made to God and this family and think he's going to get off scot-free. He said I never would compromise and have a partnership. I told him that within the first month that we got married, I found out he had an online girlfriend and that there have been dozens since then and that he needs to take into consideration why I had trouble trusting him to have my best interests at heart when it came to decision making.
Man....I feel like I'm going to puke. Just hearing him say that he's going to find someone better than me so he can be happy and enjoy life..... I gotta go. I wish I had some anxiety meds or something.
I'm sorry to hear all of this. Think you are right about maybe not answering the phone and just stepping back and taking a deep breath and letting things settle down a bit.
As for blowing his career out of the water - I hope you don't think that was what I was suggesting, because it's not. I'm in the same situation as you, it would hurt me financially just as much as her if she were found out (she is just one year away from retirement eligibility).
No, I didn't think that. Just that a lot of people suggest doing that and he thinks I'll do that, but I can't.
This morning before I went out, I sent her a Myspace message with pictures from the weekend and a link to my blog for the "rest of the story". I feel so sick. She read it and her profile now says, "thinking this is the worst day of my life" and her mood is "crushed". Now I feel bad for her. Maybe she really didn't know that he was married and all that was going on with us. She just thought she found a nice guy. I don't know.
So he calls me and says, "now that you got that out of your system, stabbing me in the back like that, are you ready to settle down and go to the transportation briefing for me?" WTF? I told him that I wouldn't be taking care of any of his business anymore. He said that the transportation thing was for my stuff because his little bit of stuff will fit in his truck so going to the briefing was for my benefit.
I feel so sick. I wish I could calm down. I want to sleep but my heart is racing. Pray for me. Man, I wish I could get through this better. I was doing so well. Reminds me of the Scripture: "You were running a good race. Who cut in on you?" Well, hm....that would be ME. :-(
You didn't stab him in the back - he has made his own bed to lie in, but it does sound like you are reacting based on anger. Try to relax (I know easier said than done, especially when you are in the middle of all of this!). Get out and go for a walk/run or something to get your mind off all of this for a little bit.
He is going to blame you because it's easier than accepting responsibility himself.
It is often better to do nothing, because ANYTHING you do will probably be wrong right now. His anger is justifying everything he is doing right now. You need to try and minimize his anger while still taking care of yourself and the kids - a tough line to walk and far easier said than done.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thank you guys. It's a good feeling to have this board to come to. Even when I blow it and act emotional, you all still accept me, tell me the hard truth and encourage me. I thought for sure I'd be kicked off the island by now. lol
I'm feeling bad for this girl. She's taking it hard. Her page now says: "this is the worst day of my life, hard to say goodbye but have to do it sometime, thankful for good friends to get me through this day". I sent her an email saying that I am sorry that I hurt her and that wasn't my intent. I really thought she should know. I said some other stuff that I can't remember right now, nothing bad but just along the lines that I was sorry she was hurting and that I understood that kind of pain. I won't message her again but it is really killing me how she's hurting. She deleted him from her profile, too.
Oh well...*deepsigh*... I got a nap with the baby and now I'm cooking for the kids (mine and their friends). Had a cup of coffee and am thinking about catching a walk before it rains again. Thanks for reading my saga. I'm not sure where to go from here. I just don't want to talk to him anymore.
