So heartwarming to see you posted. I was afraid there weren't any of the oldies still lurking out there.
You sound well, and full of wisdom, as always. Do you hear from the others at all? Do they ever post here?
What am I doing for myself? Not much more than I was back when. Still working at the same job, still trying to 'find' myself in this new life I have. With the work/schedule I have, there just isn't much opportunity to meet or socialize much. My work can be 2nd shift or 1st shift, weekdays or full weekends. In other words, work dominates the rest of my life at the moment. With the economy as it is, and unemployment rising, I guess I should just be thankful for having a job. I look for other lines of work, but in the small town I live in, there isn't much to be had, and I have no desire to leave this area .
Some people have suggested meeting men..I have no desire for that. I know that I have to find happiness and joy in my life by myself before I'd even consider trying a relationship. And that means with anyone..including xh. I've thought many times if I could carry on a friendship with him if it was offered. I guess I'd try, but I really don't know how a person goes about that. He hasn't been much of a 'friend' for many years now. I guess I figure if he has a Damascus Road event in his life, I'll be able to tell, and then I'll feel safe opening myself up.
I've always been one that is quite comfortable by myself, rather an introvert..so living alone this long has not been much of a chore. But I still so miss the family time we use to have in the old days..a feeling of being connected. That's been scattered to the winds for so long now.
You brought something up that I hadn't really considered on my own. How this setback, if we can call it that, with Twinkie will make it difficult to ever get the initial feeling they once had back. How true, how true. The first time I knew he was going to move out..I knew that our marriage would never be the same, even if he came back and we worked on the marriage. There are just some things, that once they happen, make it impossible for you to go back to where you were before. It's that little nanosecond of lost commitment I think. It's something that once is there, will always leave a scar of some type.
I hope someday I find out more of the details, just for my own curiosity, but if I don't, I'll still know that just as many people have said here..and have said to me in person at work, etc...that you should never ASSUME that their life is wonderful, full of happiness and neverending romance and love. I guess I just assumed after this much time...and I guess on the other side of the mountain things weren't perfect all the time.
You hear the saying 'the grass is greener on the other side'... I believe God is the Great Gardener, and he makes sure that the other side grows plenty of weeds too...maybe so much that they choke out the roots of lust in time. In the meantime, I know He is tending to my side, tenderly watering and pulling out the weeds I tend to overlook myself. Boy, I'm still working on some of those stubborn weeds that I let get ahold in my life.
I'm doing better, I know. I can fill it. I'm more self-assured, more self-confident than I've been in years. And I also know that I have dropped alot of the negatives I felt towards xh. I can feel forgiveness in my heart again, which surprises me at times. I still carry a grudge as far as what the kids have been through, especially when I see them still struggling with life choices now. But I keep praying for all of that, because I know that's the best thing I can do.
How is your family Laughing??
It means so much that you so my post and answered. It's so good that old friends can still reach out and find each other
ends up that one of my co-workers that I've enjoyed working with for several months now, is get this....Twinkies x-SIL!. Yup....her xh is Twinkies brother.
Apparently Twinkie was in the store the other day, asking if that was me (in a certain dept)..then went on to tell this co-worker of mine that 'that is M's xwife'...and the proceeded to cry about how she loved him, and would win him back.
She also said that although she has to move out of his apt, she is getting the apt above his! LOL. I said to my co-worker..'is this a little bit of Fatal Attraction going on'..and she said "yaah".
So...xh might have his work cut out for him as he works with her, and now, although he doesn't want to live with her, she's going to make sure and stay close to him by getting the apartment above his.
Co-worker said the whole family is loons...and went on to tell me that she can't believe that my H had left me for someone like Twinkie...that he had to have seen what she was like before he got too involved with her.
I just sat there, and felt somehow..satisfied. Maybe that's wrong, but I did.
She told me more, but the gist is that things are NOT always the way they seem. And I'm still trying to figure out why she was in the store talking to her xsil, since the two have never been close (because of what Twinkie tried to pull on her)..and why she was 'scoping' me out. I'm sure she's seen me there before..so why make a point of it now. I've never interferred in her and xh relationship..so she certainly can not have a good reason for wanting to keep tabs on me now.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
LOL, Creed, I feel satisfied right along with you....
It's funny how we "somehow" obtain information about the xh's relationship which confirms their relationship isn't what we thought it was in the beginning. How they end up in a "fatal" attraction sort of relationship (these women really hang on for dear life, and "winning" is crucial, as if their whole life depended upon it) as if it's their self worth depends on them coming out on top, or they would become nothing if these men choose to come home, or leave them, so it seems to me.
All the time, we improve, learn and grow, become stronger. Oh sure, we struggle from time to time, both financially and emotionally, but in the long term, we become what we were meant to be.
Twinkie was in the store to check out her competition, for she has been compared to you or has compared herself to you, all along, and realizes she will never be able to fill your shoes. She fears you, yet you have done nothing.... As we used to wonder what "she" had that drew the ex's out of our home. It seems it was nothing more than the ability to allow the xh's to feel better about themselves by rescuing this poor damsel in distress, when in fact it was they, themselves they should have been rescuing..... as we are told in the beginning, it IS all about them.
For me, hearing that Dick still chooses to talk about me to a perfect stranger (even negatively) when he has the opportunity to speak about how "great" his life is, or how wonderful a father he is, tells me, Dick and Janes relationship is and always has been a 3 party romance, as so it seems it is with Twinkie and your xh.
Honey, Twinkie needs reassurance that your xh isn't coming back to you, so of course she's gonna be checkin' you out!
Whether you realize it or not, you have been interferring with their relationship, but you didn't have to do a thing, just being the magnificient, wonderful person you are, has been enough!
Take care of you,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Leave it to you Laughing, to get me to blush...LOL
If this info wasn't 'satisfying' enough....yes, there's more.
I've never mentioned her real name at work..heck, I just never talked about her. If people asked, I just said it was some young thing he worked with, and called her 'Twinkie'. I don't know why..just didn't want her name out there. This is a small town, with even smaller towns around it, and it seems like everyone knows everyone else somehow.
Well...in the breakroom...again....I was mentioning that she was the xsil to someone that works there. A girl asked what's her name...and I guess I figured, it's been 4 years, why not...so I said her real name...this girls eyes get as big as saucers, and she says WHAT??? And made me say the name again!! Then there was dead silence..and she leaned back in her chair until I thought she was going to fall over, and started roaring in laughter. She asked me if I knew anything about this person,and I said not really, that I hadn't ever been that interested to work at finding anything out. Her sister had gone to school with Twinkie!!! And she proceeds to tell me some very, very unkind things about her!! I won't even get into what some of them are, but she basically said the girl is certifiable (something that my L had tried to tell me early on). She also said..and this really is not nice...but she said 'she's fugly'. LMAO Then she goes on to describe her physically. I had already been told by someone else that she wasn't anything special, but this girl went into more detail. Either love was blind...or he was just going after 'youth', and she was the one that jumped at a chance to play house with a golden oldie.
Yes, Laughing, you're right.....she will hang on as long as she can, and I'm glad I never moved my chair from the curb, because it looks like the parade is just starting up again.
As far as her looking at the competition....I don't know where she would have heard anything complimentary about me, because I'm sure she didn't from xh, and I really don't think my xmil would have praised me either(snicker). So that may remain a mystery.
I'm kinda hoping he's mumbled my name in his sleep LMAO
You take care of you too.
Bomb 1999 Divorce 2006 Entertainment value? 2008
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I believe you became the competition (in her mind) when they met, and she found out that he was still married. I don't know if your xh gave the same story or not, but Dick told Jane he was separated..... but, I believe she has been learning Dick hasn't told her the truth since the beginning, however, I believe her denial is as thick as mine once was, or maybe even thicker. Jane has given up EVERYTHING for Dick, her children, her family, her friends, her home, her jobs, everything, so she will cling as long as he is alive.... he he he he.
Complimentary, complimentary.... what do you mean? Nobody has to say anything complimentary, for the twinkies of the world to believe they are in competition... the only self esteem/self worth they have, comes from comparing themselves to everyone and anyone, along with judging others, basically, it's nonexistant. They are often so needy they believe they need a man in their lives to give them a feeling of being someone. Poor souls.
Besides, I know how awesome, intelligent, and beautiful you are, and I haven't even met you.... so I know glancing across your place of business, she must see your inner glow and beauty!
You take care, and have a wonderful weekend.
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
It's so great to see you posting! How have you been?
I don't post much at all, but when there's time, I come to read through some of the posts. It humbles a person to see how many other people are suffering through the same situation as we've been through..and to realize that we DID survive. We may not be where we want to be yet, but we know that it is in the human spirit to persevere, no matter how deep the suffering.
Laughing made some great comments, don't you think, as far as the OWs of the world? Would be a good thing if LBS would take her words to heart.
Twinkie must like frequenting the business that I work for, or she likes to keep tabs on whether I'm working or not. She's been seen in there AGAIN. This was not a regular occurence before as far as I know.
My mother talked to my oldest son (the one that was told 'in confidence' by his dad about the OW having to get out of his apt) He swore her not to tell anyone, let alone me..yes, he did specifically tell her not to tell me..so I'm assuming (which is wrong I know) that his father , specifically, does not want me knowing the change in his relationship with Twinkie. Why? Beats me. He apparently is not aware that Twinkie is telling people. And besides, what is the big secret? What's he's afraid of? And especially from me? It's not like I'm picking up the phone or trying to contact him. There's been NC for years now...so why would he fear me finding out? Maybe someone can help me with his question, because I'm not seeing the logic behind it.
Anyway, since I had already told mom about the 'event', she just played dumb when son told her, and did not let him know that I was aware of it. She did say 'you're mother wouldn't want him back anyway" I did tell her that from now on, those type of comments are not to be made to my sons. That that type of negativity is not something they need to hear from anyway. I know she was questioning me..if I would want him back..and I left that question hanging very vaguely, because truthfully, there is no answer at this time, and I certainly don't see a reason for thinking I need to have an answer anyway.
H is having a 'bump' in the road in his MLC. It doesnt have anything to do with me, and all to do with him. Very well could be that he's got his sights on an OW2 or 3 or 4 or.... Again, his own father went through many women after his MLC broke up that family. I hope H doesn't go down the same path, but he's taken several steps in that direction already.
I do hope that someday he will want to 'talk'. We have one unmarried son, and someday we will have to be united as parents when/if that son does get married. If we could get to the point of not feeling uncomfortable around each other, that would be healthy I guess.
Mermaid, you helped many, many people while you posted regularly. I hope you'll reconsider, and keep current here. If nothing else, our insights may be of help to some others here, like the 'oldies' were when we first registered here. Just knowing that MLCers scripts seem to all be the same, their actions the same, their behaviors and words the same....that does give comfort to someone just starting on this long journey.
Much love to you both
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I think it is interesting that your xh is trying to hide the change in the relationship. I think that he is at least starting to realize that he has really messed up but he is not ready to admit it. He may never be ready.
My h is in that place. I can tell he misses his children and he knows that he messed up. He is not at a place where he can come out and say so and like I said I am not sure he will ever be. I do think he is trying to make it work with ow because he knows there really is no chance with me.
We decided to sell our rental property. It hurt a little because it was h and I's first home. There was so much hope and promise when we bought that place. He seems to have no emotion. In fact, he now seems in a hurry. I did wonder why. I know it is time to get all of the legal stuff out of the way. I want my own name back. I don't feel like I am a Mrs. h anymore. In fact I feel like I have no name. By the time I become a teacher I want my own name back.
Well I have had some ups and downs. More downs than I thought I should have at this stage of things. But my dad has been in and out of hospitals. Right now he has staff infection and we have to clean and do his laundry daily. I also tend to beat myself up over some of the limitations I face being a single mother. I never play that single mother card but sometimes it is tough especially since I have had to take a part time job and it pretty much means I have to work weekends. So it does affect my children. So I go between wanting to try to work things our with h because I think life would be easier. Then I remember how much harder life was with him and I know he would have to do a lot of changing before I could even consider it.
Anyway things are okay right now. I am taking two courses during this summer and will be in full time in September. I am saving go to Europe in two years and my gfs and I are planning a trip to Vegas for our 40th bdays next year.
As for coming back to the board well the truth is I feel so far removed from the whole mlc thing that I am not sure I would be of any use. I am a bit jaded also. I think now that I would not have stood for so long. I know hindsight is 20/20 but I think I would have been a lot better healed if I had been a little stronger then. I know healing slowly is good too but I still think I should have pulled the band aid off all at once.
But I do trust in God and I know there is plan for my life.
I'm so sorry about your fathers health. What a blessing your family has in you.
I know what you mean about having 'pulled the bandaid off all at once'. I've thought the same thing too. But I just couldn't do it...and still can't do it.
I know I'm a different person than I was when this first started, and that is what is important to me right now. I might not like how my life feels right now, but have faith that in time it will improve and change...just like it's changed since the opening of this chapter of my life.
Because of having 2 sons, I decided to keep my married name. If I had had daughters instead, I'm not sure what I would have decided. Besides, I had that name longer than my maiden name, and it would feel very strange to go back to the pre-married name again. I guess I feel I paid the dues for the name, so why change now. It does get uncomfortable at times, when people try to 'place' me by asking if I'm related to 'so and so' in H's family. Just happened this last week, again. Someone asked if so and so was my FIL....all I could think of saying was 'was my FIL'.
I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to try to find time for your family, go to school, manage everything in your life. I hope you're excepting help if/when it's offered. Sounds like a grand idea going to Vegas!! My supervisor is going there with her 2 daughters next month, and is really looking forward to it. I've never been there...would love to someday.
I think you're probably right about my xhs motive for wanting to keep things 'quiet' about his change in the relationship. But really....how logical is that thinking? It's not like people won't find out and talk and ask questions. Maybe he just needs time to figure out how he's going to explain his change in feelings towards her. I'm hoping he has realized that he screwed up...but like you said, I may never know if that's what he's felt/is feeling. But I know I've prayed all this time that the blinders would come off, so I'm thinking just maybe they have slipped enough for him to realize some things.
I'm sorry you feel so separated from the board, but I do understand. There isn't much I can say to others here other than to support and try to show them that none of the situations are unique. I hate to think of never hearing from you again, so I hope in time you might visit once in awhile..like you did today..and just let me know how you're doing. You've always been such a great source of support to me, Mermaid. You're an amazingly loving and caring person.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Thanks for posting on my thread. I think I just need to talk to someone.
Just a couple of comments but nothing that already hasn't been said.
I too would feel some satisfaction at XH's R with OW withering and dying. I think that's only human. I bet you also get some satisfaction in being viewed STILL as competition from OW. That is pretty pathetic that she is that insecure, though. I'm sure she was spouting off out loud fully knowing and intending for her words to get back to you. She is displaying her guilt and insecurity by saying those things but displaying false bravado when she "announces" to you (so to speak) that she will win him back, so you better not get any funnny ideas about him and trying to "win" him back yourself.
I also agree with everyone regarding your XH not wanting the end of the R to get out to you. I think alot of X's stick in that ugly OP R because as a sense of pride they don't want to admit it failed, even if it is not going well. Especially when they gave up and destroyed so much to have that R. He might also think you that you would say "I told you so" (deservedly). I bet you are the last person on earth that would do that and maybe deep down he knows that too. This only further elevates you to Saint status...something he in his mind could never measure up to.
