Piecing with sparkie

[putter]

Sparkie,

I am so happy for you and your W. You both are an inspiration for all of us. Keep up the good work and keep us updated on your progress.

Take care,

putter

[sparkie]

Thank you putter. I pray that you and everyone else here end up where I am today.

Things have been progressing very nicely with my W and I. She was on vacation this past week and we spent a lot of time togehter, day and night. We are working very hard on improving our communication skills and it feels GREAT!

We use Sundays at the beach for our deep R discussions. We are starting off by studying the end chapters in The Five Love Languages where various R and love questions are tackled. Todays discussion came to a point where I brought up the topic of the "possible" OM. I wasn't looking for details, I just wanted to express some of the anger I was feeling when I thought my W was having an EA with a co-worker of hers. I never truly thought my W was having a PA, as I didn't see her as being able to go through with it. Well today I found out I was wrong as my W apparently "assumed" I was looking for answers. She said "my time with xxxxx(OM) was just for the sex". I guess I was somewhat shocked as I sat there silent for a minute or two. No anger, no hurt, no nothing. I then told her that I had I didn't know there was sex involved in their R until just now. She put her head down in shame as she asked herself why she let those words slip out. She then said that it must have been Gods will for her let the truth out.

I thanked her for her honesty and held her in my arms as she cried. I told her that I was proud of her for letting that ghost out. I felt that if we are going to work things out between us, it was important for us to trust each other and not to have any dark secrets stashed away.

My W took this harder than I did. She said that she felt as though she no longer deserved to be loved by me. I assured her that I understood why she feels that way, but my love for her is unconditional and does not surrender to her indiscretions. I told her that it will take some time for me to process this information about the PA, but I'm confident that we will both be able to put it behind us. I asked her how she felt about working with the OM, and she said she was over him and she actually can't stand the sight of him anymore. She asked me if I wanted her to quit and find a new job. I told her I trust her and there was no need to seek new employment unless she wanted to. She thanked me for trusting her and for now, she'll stay put at her job.

We talked a little more about various subjects before going back to my place. I took a shower and my W then rubbed some moisturizing lotion on my lobster red body. I offered to go over to her place later to put some lotion on her after her shower. She accepted so I waited for her call and went over to her place. After doing my good deed of tending to her sun burn, we layed on the floor and watched "Independence Day". We cuddled, hugged, "made out", and making love was good to go, but I declined... No condom(no baby for now) and more importantly, I had an unanswered question in regards to the PA with OM. I needed to know if safe sex was in place bewtween the two of them. I didn't feel the time was right to ask my W, so I said I would explain my rejecting making love at a later time. My W had no problem with this and we finished watching the movie.

After the movie, my W asked me to sit down on the couch. To my surprise, my W came out of her bedroom holding our wedding rings. (She had removed hers months ago, and I gave mine to her two weeks after the bomb. I had given her my ring along with a letter that explained how I didn't want my ring back until she was positive she was ready to accept my love and commit 100% to our M.) So tonight I sat there on the couch as my W proposed marriage to me as she placed the ring back on my finger. She then handed her ring to me and I proposed to her.

My W said she felt as though we were falling in love all over again. I agreed and told her that my request to God for a Miracle has been answered. I feel as though God guided me to Michele's DR and her BB full of you loving, caring, and helpful "angels". This is a Miracle that I will cherish forever!

For now, we will still live apart until a few more obsticles are removed. The biggest problem we face now is dealing with my step-son(19), who is still living with my W. I told my W that I will not come between her and her son while they work out their own issues. It may take a while but with my W expressing her desire for me to move in with her, I feel she'll be able to stay focused on what needs to be done.

[putter]

WOW, Sparkie! Are you guys ever making progress. You continue to amaze me. I am so impressed with how you uncondtitionally love your W. I know that it must have been hard to hear about the PA that your W had, but I think it is good that it is out in the open now. Both of you are in a place where you really want the M to work so this is just something to put in your past and learn from.

You truly are an inspiration to read and I hope that I can one day get to where you are even though it seems impossible.

take care,

putter

[sparkie]

...I hope that I can one day get to where you are even though it seems impossible.

At one time it felt impossible to me that my W and I would be where we are today. Right now things are better than I ever imagined.

We are communicating like never before. Our feelings are coming out and at times we don't even know where they're coming from. We are both 110% committed to our M and our future togehter never looked better.

I asked my W to read chapter 10 in DR (Infidelity) so she could get a better idea of what we both need to do to overcome that obsticle in our M. She happily agreed and immediately went off by herself to read it. When I got home from work I walked in to a romantic candlelight dinner. After dinner, my W knelt in front of me and apologized for having the PA and promised it would never happen again. She said that it never occured to her that she needed to express this to me and she gave thanks to Michele and DR for showing her the way.

Michele, if you're reading this, my W LOVES your writing style! She is so impressed with the way you get right to the point without all the physco-babble.

I explained the whole DB process to my W and she got a chuckle out of the theory of WAS's being abducted by aliens. My W now wants to read the entire DR book to see what all this "alien" talk is about.

Our old M is being placed behind us now and our new M is beginning to take shape. I haven't felt this happy or excited in my entire 48 years of life. I guess the feeling would be almost idendical to when I saw my DD being born 24 years ago. This is the start of a new life.

[grislen]

Mark,

That ROCKS. That is so nice to hear that things are going so well. Good job.

Lee

[sparkie]

Thanks Lee. I will always remember that you were one of the people who helped get me here. I am still following your sitch very closely and I will chime in when I can.

[LoriP]

You have made it!!!! It is hard after several separations, but make this one your last - I know it will be! Kindness does beget kindness - that is how I try to live my life in and out of my relationship with H. A wonderful marriage does take effort and minimizing the negatives. We have both learned from our past mistakes and have come out triumphant. Keep up the good work and much happiness always!

[putter]

Hi Sparkie,

I love reading how you and your W are doing. Every time I read your thread you bring tears to my eyes. I can't say enough how happy I am for you.

If you had to sum it up in a sentence or two what do you think got you to this point? I know there are several things, but if you were to ask your W what you did that made her want to work on your M again what would she say?

putter

[sparkie]

Thank you LoriP and putter.

Rather than summize what it was that brought us back togehter, I'll just sit down with my W later and ask her. I'll come back here and post her thoughts and feelings.

For now I can tell you from our communication last night, my W said that the less time she had to spend worrying about me, the less pressure she felt. My "act as if" behavior played a major role in lessening that pressure. Without worrying about me, my W said she was able to focus on herself. She said she never doubted my love for her and she knew I always wanted our M to work.

[sparkie]

My W and I talked some more about how she was able to come back to our M. It's still a little complicated in her mind, but she's agreed to post here in the near future to try and explain it the best she can.

Getting to the point of Piecing our M back together required more than the efforts of just myself. I am here today because both my W and I have courage, determination, patience, faith, and a love for life that allowed us both to change.

Once again my W has said that the less pressure she felt from me, the more clearly she could focus on herself. Once she felt in her mind that I would be able to survive without her by my side, she felt free and secure in taking care of herself. She was then able to start making some needed changes in herself that allowed her to truly see and feel what she wanted and needed in her life.

One of my biggest fears was that if my W saw me as "happy" and moving on with my life without her, she would find it easier to continue walking away from me. My fear was unfounded as my W has told me that my "happiness" and seeing me moving on was what helped her the most. This may not be true for every sitch out there, but it makes sense if you think about it. My W knew how much I loved her and that I would be waiting for her return if and when the time came. My W's decision to come back to our M was not forced by me in any way...no pressure, no guilt, just my W's decision based on her own feelings.

Some DBing techniques I employed that enabled my W and I to move forward, and eventually here to Piecing...

I used the "act as if" technique 99.9% of the time

I gave W her space

I detached myself from my W as her H and became her friend

I started a life of my own

I was understanding and supportive of my W

I searched inside of myself for things I wanted to change about me, for me

I focused on myself as often as I could

I worked with a beginners mind...what's done is done...learn from the past...live for today...build for the future

I prayed for the patience needed to get through each day

I kept the faith in myself and my W

I released my anger and frustrations here or in private

I did not initiate any R talk

I did not snoop into my W's life

I stopped playing the role of the victim in my sitch

I never stopped loving my W for who she is or was, alien or otherwise

Chances are good that your WAS still loves you (ILYBINILWY), so hold on to it and keep your faith in that love. The love I now feel between my W and I is stronger than ever before!