Any Old Timers Remember Me?

[GenuineG]

Hi,

I have not been here for a long time but this has always been a place of solace and understanding for me. My first ID was lastresort04 and I changed it near the end to GenuineG. I guess I'm coming here for a boost or a 2 X 4 or a swift kick in the a$$ or something.

I just read the most recent posts from Creed, MTN, Laughing and Mermaid some of my cohorts in the old days and wonder if you all are out there...

Briefly my story was

Bomb April 04
MLC WAH confessed OW
Drop out type of MLC man
Uneventful/administrative D as of April 06
Not much drama nor contact with WAH.

Tried to DB my a$$ of all that time and then tried to stand.

June 05 bought a mobile home after sale of our house. It's humble, but my own and secure. June 06 I got a job of a lifetime and made good money. My dad had a cancer scare in April 06 and was amazingly cured as if by a miracle. Not dating but in a place where I was open to that after a long time of not wanting to date while still M'd, etc. Lots of complimentary interactions with men though complications for whatever reason so no dating, but that was O.K. I was very confident and felt like things were really going my way. I thought I had the world by the a$$.

I used to have no problem spilling my guts about every sordid detail...but this is amazingly difficult.


Last contact with X in January. He was inquiring about his birth certificate (which I still had) so that he could go on a trip out of the country. Phone tag for a couple of rounds, then contact. Found he no longer needed BC as trip fell through. Nice conversation regarding pets, respective houses, jobs (or lack of in my case), politics, etc. The most open and longest conversation to date since this all started (maybe 15 minutes). Still no personal subjects or that of the giant elephant in the middle of the room. X did say he would keep in touch. I subsequently mailed BC at his request thoughit was no longer needed. Sent X generic B-day card for 40th B-day in May. No response as usual.

So now, the problem is I feel like I am regressing.

I got permanently laid off from the "good" job around Christmas and have been looking for a new one since. Starting to question my worth, though I know I am a good employee.

Can't get a date to save my life. Tried online dating and found it repugnant and a waste of time and money. Not much interation though I initiated contact frequently and tried to step outside the box. I am geographcally limited in "real" life. Wondering if there's something wrong with me and where all the good or even passable men are?

The cancer is back for my dad and it does not look promising. He's still hanging in there for now, though.

I'm having increasing negative feelings about X though he is invisible to me and vice versa. I was at a peaceful place about it previously where I had let go and felt like I could forgive. I have this kind of "he can kiss my a$$" attitude right now.

I'm not motivated to doing those GAL things that make you feel better as I have a "what's the use" attitude and now I have all the time in the world to do them but no job, therefore limited $ for fun.

I want to put in this disclaimer that I know many of you are going through things that are a thousand times worse and I know I am having a pity party. But does anyone have any inspirational thoughts or ideas to break the chain of negativity?

Thanks for listening, GG aka LR04

[Creed]

Hey LR

You know I'm always around, and how to get in touch with me if you want.

We're all entitled to a pity party now and then, so don't feel guilty or worth less because you find yourself 'hosting' one now. Believe me, I've invited myself to my own enough times. What would you like me to bring to yours for refreshments??? Marguaritas sound kind of good in this heat. LOL

You know, when you mentioned about your conversation /interaction with your H, I tried putting myself in your place. And I know how I would have felt (even though I , too, feel that I've detached enough). My heart would have been pounding a mile a minute, I would have been remembering an awful lot of history, and as hard as I would try not to let his voice/words affect, I know they would. And you know what..considering the way our WAH pretty much vanished into thin air so long ago, why would we not feel this way. There was never a lot of anger spouting in your situation or mine. Not that it wasn't there, but it was kept 'controlled'. So, I think our first reaction to having a 'nice' conversation with our xhs would be to immediately remember what it felt like when we use to talk as a married couple, before MLC.

And it's going to take awhile to get past how your heart once again sped up...and then had to come to a deadstop once it's realized that our old Hs still aren't there.

GAL?? What life? With the hours I work, there isn't much chance of getting one. It's not the amount of hours, but the different shifts that I'm scheduled. I just wish I had a normal day job, nights and most weekends off. With this job, forget that! My hours have been cut, so I'm very close to parttime hours instead of fulltime hours. Something else to try not to worry too much about. S25 has not learned some of lifes lessons yet, and it tears my heart out that he keeps slamming his head into brick walls that he should know by now are NOT going to change. I don't know how to reach him anymore, and since moving away, he barely has contact with me or my mom, who were his greatest supporters through every rotten thing he went through/or messes he caused. I truly believe he has to start askng his dad for help now when he gets himself in a pinch. I don't know if xh will be there for him, but s has to start being man enough to ask his dad for help. If H has truly asked ow to move out, he should have more time to help his son(s)...sigh. Yeah, I know...don't hold my breath.

I'm so, so sorry about your dad. I have no words, other than I'm sorry, and I'll say some prayers.

Inspiration words? All I can say, is LR, you're still here..you're still seeking, you're still hoping and praying, you're still willing to work on yourself, your life and your dreams. You haven't stopped trying, and you have stepped out of your comfort zone many times.

Trust, trust, trust...and hold onto the faith that has seen you through thus far. One of my favorite books is Battlefield of the Mind. If you haven't read it, give it a try. I truly think it would help anyone that read it, whether they were going through a tough time, or just wanted to read something inspiring.

In closing, I too, know that sad feeling, of wondering if you're not regressing. I feel that quite often..but I don't let myself dwell on it too long. If I am, then I'm just going to have to keep digging longer to get out of the hole I'm in. And the only way of getting out, is to KEEP digging even harder than you did before.

((LR))

[GenuineG]

Hi Creed,

Thanks for your reply and the reminder that you are there. I appreciate that.

You know I've been waiting for so long for it to get warm I hate to complain about the heat. A margarita sounds good in any case.

I never really thought about the call having any impact. At the time I actually enjoyed talking to him but did get a little sad at the end when it was over. Maybe his first ever mention of "keeping in touch" resounded and stayed in the back of my mind, only for me to be disappointed again.

It's unfortunate that your schedule is so hectic. In a perfect world we could work three or four regular days a week and be able to make a decent living. I had plenty to do the first three months or so of unemployment, ya know, all that stuff you NEVER have time for when you're working....now I am going stir crazy and have too much time on my hands.

I don't know what to say about your son. No experience there but usually it seems when you try to coach a young person you are the last person they respond too. I know how detrimental it can be to swoop in and bail them out. They never seem to grow then.

Thanks for the prayers for my dad.

I guess I better start digging or I'll go under. I have to remember that things have been worse and they COULD be a lot worse. I think I need to brush up on the stop sign and the acting as if...and the FAITH.

I'll look into getting that book. I haven't read a good book like that in a while.

Take Care, GG aka LR

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hi G,

Sorry think we moved in different circles, vaugely remember you.

I'm not motivated to doing those GAL things that make you feel better as I have a "what's the use" attitude and now I have all the time in the world to do them but no job, therefore limited $ for fun.

Well...its a vicious cycle isn't it. Like being depressed cause your fat, and eating to feel better...as an example. There is free crap to do, walks, hikes, bird watching, there is free stuff to do all over. Hell art takes a piece of paper and a pencil.

You have to break your cycle, remember the phrase, "Fake it till you make it."?

And I will have to say your activities will allow you to meet more people...like guys.

You're in a rut, you can only control yourself...control your ass out of your rut.

Strive for the life you want, grab it with both hands and wrestle it to the ground. : )

[GenuineG]

Hi Jack,

I think I was just weaning myself off the BB as you were coming on. I remember your ID though. For some reason it always reminded me of the little Green Giant Vegetable kid.

[quote] You're in a rut, you can only control yourself...control your ass out of your rut.

Strive for the life you want, grab it with both hands and wrestle it to the ground. : ) [quote]

That's hilarious! Thanks for the laugh and yeah, I get the point. A "date" and the PO-LICE might have issues with me wrestling that to the ground, though.

Well, in my pity party and angst last night of searching for that immediate and complete answer that is never there....I read an entire book that I ordered, had laying around, and didn't want to upset my equilibrium for the last two years by even cracking the cover (very awkward sentence, I know...it's been a while). It's called "Uncoupling - Turning Points In Intimate Relationships" by Diane Vaughan. It was awesome and now I wish I would have read it when I got it. I would recommend it to anyone here or elsewhere that has or had a alleged WAS or MLC spouse.

Here is the summary on the back cover:

"Uncoupling begins with a secret. One of the partners starts to feel uncomfortable in the relationship. The world the two of them built together no longer 'fits'"

How do relationships end? Why does one partner suddenly become discontented with the other - and why is the onset of that discontent not so sudden after all? What signals do partners send to each other to indicate their doubts? Why do those signals so often go un-noticed? And how do people who saw themselves as part of a couple come to terms, not just with absence and abandonement, but with a new single identity?

This groundbreaking book, which combines extensive research with in-depth interviews, offers a startling vision of what happens when relationships come apart. What it reveals is a process that begins in secret but gradually comes public, implicating not only partners but their social milieu. The result is an enlightening and affecting book that is invaluable both as a work of soicology and a guide for anyone who wants to prevent - or weather - the collapse of a relationship.

The book basically details the end of a R from the inkling of thought in the initiator's (usually WAS or MLC S as we know them) to S, D and reconcilliation if that is a possibility. The author does not even venture into "Why" but "how" the whole process is carried out by initiator and partner. She does not point fingers but outlines the process in great detail. This is one of those books that shows yourself and spouse on every page and you can relate the actual events of your life to the process. There are logical explanations why we "don't get it" when WAS has really felt they "tried." And why they are already done and gone when we get first wind of their decision to leave and we don't get that chance to "try." Our first inkling is the "confrontation", affectionately know here as the BOMB. Anyway, no one is villified and in fact I have another facet of compassion and understanding of XH thoughts at the time that I did not have previously. It follows the principles of what we like to call MLC but I prefer to call that in my mind a "personal" or "identity" crisis. I think that is more apt.
It is nice to get a glimpse of what is going through the WAS mind when we still have no clue. It fits the patterns we have read over and over again but makes clear what the "silly justifications" we hear sound like in the WAS mind.

There is one point in the book that I have not come to terms with yet so I might as well spit it out. When my XH left he said he was "in love with someone else now" and "I don't love you like a husband should." The book has a lot of accounts of "falling out of love" and "I don't love you anymore." They do also touch on how WAS rewrites history to justify the actions. My point is I have never believed XH didn't love me, particularly prior to the bomb and I hold to the belief that he explained it away for the justification. I am wresting with the idea that maybe he really didn't love me at all or fell out of love with me. A while ago that might have been devastating, it might still be. I just know I would not like to hear that from him right now.

Get the book! Thanks for responding to me. It's nice to know you are not alone sometimes.

GG

[Smurf_SMR]

or fell out of love with me.

Just my thoughts, as I read your post.

I really do not buy into the falling out of love, or just do not comprehend it.

To me love grows, when I see my parents 50+ years married and inseparable.

Ok, if I can be convined that people can fall out of love, then what I do not understand, when all through this you are there as a friend, is the hatred and non communication, especialy when there are children involved.

Lets face it, we send people birthday and christmas cards and communicate to/with friends, who we do not love per se.

Why oh why, the animosity, when you have been friends and partners for 30+ years (as in my case)

[GenuineG]

I agree that love can grow if it is nurtured. Then theoretically can't it "ungrow" or die if it is not nurtured? Like I said, in my mind, the jury is still out on that one. I still love XH but not in the same way I once did. Now, it's more like he's a fellow child of God and a person I have a history with that I cannot hate or be indifferent to.

As far as hatred/animosity from your wife...I would attribute that to guilt, resentment, distancing, shame, hiding...all of those things that the WAS goes through. That's her deal. If I were to specualte and could read XH's mind I would say he became invisible/little contact etc., largely because of guilt. He would not want to look at the pain he has caused. I know he has a conscience. He doesn't spew (for a long time now), he avoids. They all do it differently.

Take Care, GG

[GenuineG]

Can anyone give me quick how 2 on the quotes? I've never tried them on the "new" board (evidently)

Thanks

[Lord Grenville]

Can anyone give me quick how 2 on the quotes? I've never tried them on the "new" board (evidently)

Hi GenuineG,

I'm not sure what the difference is between the QUOTE and QUICK QUOTE buttons, but if you are logged in and you click on one of those two, you can then decide what part of the quote to retain between the quote brackets that you will see in the reply window.

Type your reply after the last /quote bracket so it does not end up in the quote box.

If you want to have several quotes excerpted in your reply, then you will need to "copy" and "paste" the [ quote] and [ /quote] at the beginning and end of the excerpt.

********************

Welcome back to the DB boards. I can relate to the cycle of negativity that can occur because I was really having a tough time of it one year ago. I was unsucessfully looking for work for about 7 months after my job at an architecture firm ended; I was not sure if I should move, or where I would even go if I left the area, etc.

Two things really helped me. The first was strengthening my belief, through daily prayers that God and spirit guardians were guiding me, and learning that I could let go of the fear, and the idea that I had to figure it all out using my head.

One year later, I am amazed at how bountiful the universe can be. One 3-month temp assignment was a stepping stone to a second temp job which turned into a permanent full-time job with a salary much higher than I had even hoped to find!

I still believe that my W and I were meant to be life-partners for our full lives, but I had an epiphany a few months ago, which is that I am in a win/win situation - Either my W returns to me and we create an even better relationship (which is my primary wish) or I will eventually find a new life-partner who will value me for the person I am, and we will create a joyous future together.

The second thing that has helped immensely, is cognitive therapy where I have learned how to recognize the negative thoughts in my head when I think them, which then allows me to disarm them and not give them the power to affect my mood or physical body as much as they used to. The negative thoughts still come, but they don't have the effect that they did one year ago.

I wish you all the best in getting back in touch with your bright inner spirit and the dreams and joys that you have the ability to manifest.

LG

[Lord Grenville]

GG -

I forgot to say that I am sorry the cancer has returned to your dad. I will keep him, and you, in my prayers.

This is something else I have in common with you. My mother beat bladder cancer 10 years ago, but now has lung cancer and just had surgery yesterday to have part of her lung removed. We can provide them with our love and support and in so doing, be reminded each day is a priceless gift.

Thanks also, for your recommendation of the "Uncoupling" book. It sounds like the perfect book that will help me let go of the unanswered "WHY?". I just discovered that Amazon has lots of used copies selling for as little as .01 (plus shipping). I splurged and have ordered a hard cover copy for less than $2.

Stage right: a woman swinging her long pearl necklace and singing:
"Hey, big spender - spend a little time with...me...me...me!"

LG