Tom, I know this all must be a huge struggle for you. It would be for most of us. me included. Nothing says a decision should be made anytime soon. You have been and have moved on over a period of years. It might take that long or longer to even think about getting back with her. There will come a day when your answer will be clear. Stay strong .
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
I agree with Princess. You don't need to rush this besides it's best that you don't for everyone involved, especially your son.
Why can't you tell your ex exactly what you told us here. The truth....you don't know how you feel about her. That's more than reasonable considering what you've been through. Have you figured out any reason that you feel comfortable with as to why this sudden change in her?
What about OW? Have you figured out where if at all she fits in the picture? If it was casual that's onething, but if she thinks it's more that's a whole other kettle of fish!
I'm not going to rush anything. I do think OW had allot to do with her sudden change, but not entirely all about the OW.
You see, her dream of reuniting with OM #1 in prison didn't work out. That's when she made the first attempt at reconciliation with me.
When I didn't respond to her first attempt, she hooked up with her ex husband from 20 years ago. I come to find out, he's been pinning for her over the past two years while we were separated, but she held him at bay until she found out about the OM #1 in jail. He's the third smuck in line, but he is clueless.
She has 3 Men boiling inside her emotional kettle. She was married to two of us and engaged to the other. Talk about your baggage!
I'm just afraid we could never have a healthy relationship because she is never really going to be able to settle on one of us. If the shoe were on the other foot and she remarries her first H, I have no doubt she would be knocking on my backdoor in the very near future.
Like my wise friend told me... She's always going to have a Man in her back pocket. She's really not going to seek any help for this dilemma It's possible, she may just loose all three of us as soon as the other two poor bastards find out about her escapades. I don't know how they feel, but I'm not about to be second (or third) to any Man in my Woman's eye.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I don't know how they feel, but I'm not about to be second (or third) to any Man in my Woman's eye.
Hi Tom,
Just caught up on your sitch - whew, the fun never ends, does it?
I think your last line sums it up perfectly. If she wants to get you back, then she needs to put her money where her mouth is. She needs to decide that you come first, she needs to pursue you, she needs to make you feel special and cherished and that you are Her One And Only.
If she can say that's what she's shooting for (even if it takes a while to get there), then the rest of the list is unnecessary.
If that's not what she has in mind, then I would tell her "Thanks but no thanks!"
Either way, we're routing for you!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
All of that sounds reasonable and exactly what Tom would need to see before he would feel comfortable and secure in making a decision. Without those guarantees how would he really know? Still going slow is the key and since he's doing that, he's good to go.
You should also ask it she would be willing to agree to do some light housework for your friends! It sure would make me look at her a little differently!
You have no reason to feel guity...... From what you write, she walked away...... On top of that, she seems to be a very screwed up woman..........
I would personally go off with the new woman.... and have a great life........ Leave the screwed up exW to the other two clowns.....
Just my 25 cents....
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Thanks for your response everybody. It really helps me to get other's perspectives. I want to make sure I'm looking at my situation as objectively as possible.
I can't really make heads or tails out of my stbx's behavior. She called me today and told me she is going to go a head and have her L fax our final agreement on the dissolution to my L. She's told me this several times over the past few weeks while at the same time throwing hints about reconciliation. I just say OK every time she says that, but my L has not received anything from her L in over a month. I kind of wish she would go a head and do it, so I don't have to feel this guilt that I can't seem to shake. She's not making me feel like a wanted man, she makes me feel like just somebody who's a good provider for the time being. Screw that! You want me back, you show me the mind blowing, passionate, animal attraction the OW shows me! She makes me feel like a wanted Man and you make me feel like ..... ? .... ? like NOTHING! No thanks!
Why doesn't she finish what she starts. It's almost like she is giving me some ultimatum... Make up your mind Tom, do you want to reconcile or not?
Just submit the papers so I can sign them and get on with my life. Your not the prize anymore, I am!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Just submit the papers so I can sign them and get on with my life. Your not the prize anymore, I am!
By george he's got it!!!! you are spot on Tom! YOU are the prize!
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
You want me back, you show me the mind blowing, passionate, animal attraction the OW shows me! She makes me feel like a wanted Man and you make me feel like ..... ? .... ? like NOTHING! No thanks!
Why doesn't she finish what she starts. It's almost like she is giving me some ultimatum... Make up your mind Tom, do you want to reconcile or not?
Just submit the papers so I can sign them and get on with my life. Your not the prize anymore, I am!
Something AmyC said to me 6 months ago:
"When is someone going to be afraid they might lose FRANK"
I think it applies here. Jack_three_beans had a similar situation. What he did was what you should do. You ARE the prize.
If she wants you, she has to earn you like any other woman would have to do. Now, because she's your W, you're more likely to cut her some slack.
But she does have to earn her way back into the marriage. Just like YOU had to earn your right to let her go and move on.
You cannot go 'back', you can only go 'forward' after all the damage she has done.
I want you to 'save your marriage' but not at the expense of your integrity, morals or self esteem.
I think you have already asked yourself the hard questions. You know what's 'right'. Stay the course.
