I know I post about the conservative aspects of my personality. But in real life - like at the beer tent, I was very relaxed and just having a really good time. I tend to compartmentalize different aspects of my life and when I take time off - I really take time off and relax completely. I am usually in this relaxed demeanor when ODD PUSHY MEN approach me.
There are times when I wonder if I should be more standoffish. I reallly don't want to change myself in reaction to my environment. I really would rather be able to say NO.
Ironically part of why I decided to stay at the Ribfest and stay for the band was b/c my neighbors were going to see a one hit wonder band - and I had posted a year or two ago. The M women were all over the band members getting their autographs, etc while I hung back with the H's b/c I am not into being kissy huggy with strangers. And one of the band members honed in on me. My M GF gave him her phone number b/c she wanted to party with the band. He kept calling and asking for me.
Sometimes I wonder if some men approach me b/c they think I am a challenge...
The Resort was different. I posted about that experience. There lots of single men - and I was able to say NO w/o feeling bad. The men that approached me there did it differently.... It wasn't as pushy - it was more subtle and more within my comfort zone. I felt I could relax and laugh w/o "sending out the wrong signals."
Over the past five years, every time I ventured out on my own - and there is always an ODD PUSHY MAN - I ran away and decided it wasn't worth the angst.
Now - I am done with ODD PUSHY MAN angst. I will sign up for events by myself. I will go out. I will say NO b/c that is my default answer unless someone intrigues me enough to say YES. It is NOT the other way around. I refuse to second guess myself and wonder what is wrong with me b/c I WANT to say NO to someone. And that was a challenge this weekend when these three ladies jumped in and started to publically analyze why I was avoiding saying YES.
Although I will say - being asked if I was straight was a new one! LOL! One of the ladies had been M to a man and he was a WAH. After her D - she dated both men and women and has now been with a woman P for 12 years. I think she is more bi-sexual than lesbian. There were interesting people at this event - I enjoy talking to people that are able to stretch the envelope in areas where I cannot venture. M GF with an open M talked about it too. I mean I thought about it for awhile - since it came up twice - sure it has come up in conversations with respect to threesomes - and certainly I can appreciate if a woman is a beautiful woman - like you appreciate art - but it is not a sexual attraction thing.
Needless to say - I did not exchange phone numbers with these ladies either. Not b/c they were not interesting - but b/c I didn't appreciate being publically put on the spot with respect to PUSHY ODD MAN.
This boundary setting part is still work in progress. We will see how it goes... I need to get comfortable with this - otherwise I will act like an Ice Princess and the nice guys will sense that and back off and the ODD PUSHY MEN are the only ones that will try and approach me (no did not figure this out myself - this one is courtesy of Patent Male Girlfriend - he said this over a year ago.)
Life is good - just a new challege as I venture out into new adventures in my life.
I will personally never get the "open" marriage thingy...... I am one who is very old fashioned and believes marriage is about commitment and character...... If you want to go fool around, you never should have been married to start.......
If she wants to step out on her husband, he should just divorce her... No person is worth risking your health...... That is my 25 cents due to inflation!
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
That being said it is not my place to impose my standards on others and act as judge, jury and executioner. Just not qualified for the job.
And I have not provided details on her H's issues. He is Catholic and was sexually abused as a boy by two different pedophiles. And well that affects his ability to engage in sexual intimacy in a loving manner. He lacks the emotional capacity to even be able to kiss his W. They have been to MC to no avail. H is not in a place where he is even ready to face that his abuse has even affected him. The pedophiles brainwashed him into trusting them to such a level that he still cannot bring himself to speak ill of them.
W has tried to reach out to him - but H is the only one that can help himself.
As for D - well there are four children involved. W and H do love each other and are both very good parents. Both recognize there is an irreconcilable issue and have reached a compromise.
I myself am all about casting stones dipped in gasoline and set on fire at the pedophile b/c that is the source of the issue. Unfortunately they are dead so I will have to follow then into the depths of hell to go after them. That is on my afterlife to do list.
Life is not always black and white. People do the best they can.
That is why I am hoping they are able to ride this out. They are both good people. They both deserve to be happy.
It is horrible that he was sexually abused.... I would like to see his abusers punished in the most cruel and painful way.........
As for his wife, that is where love comes in...... If she really loves him she should not put her desires above her M and her children.... That is why they have vibrators...... How will she feel years later when the children learn the truth? How will that make them view their mother? I would find that devastating learning our "normal and happy family" was just a fraud.... That could really impact their children more than D.... Just my personal feelings.....
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/07/0804:28 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
It is complicated isn't it? To me it is like a fact patttern on a law school test with no right answer.
And M GF told me this AFTER I was in Margarita/Grenadine/Tequila Land. And in gut reaction in my head was = How can you do this? It is so WRONG!!! But I kept my mouth shut and listened. There are times when you just listen to your friends than try to fix things.
The H and W sleep together in the same room. She does her flings when she goes on vacation with her GF - maybe once or twice a year. There are no surface indications of the affair. But well kids are smart - it is very possible they will figure it out when they are older.
I did manage to talk to her about how she may be able to persuade H to get help. For a long time she didn't know why H was unable to view her as a sexual being.
I myself judged M GF unfairly and posted about it b/c she has had augmentation surgery, botox, etc. After 14 years - her self esteem with respect to her own sexuality is shot. She really is a very beautiful woman - didn't need all that stuff. She found out about the abuse just a year or two ago.
M GF recently lost her step mother to a prolonged illness to cancer where she was the "responsible" one. Her parents were D - and there were step mother issues so her biological mother and her are on a R hiatus.
Hurting people hurt other people. Another kernel of wisdom from my C. H is hurting from his past - and he doesn't even know why. I am sure he is not happy about the situation. W is hurting b/c her H is incapable of viewing her as a sexual being. And I am sure some of the more recent events pushed her over the edge.
If W could have a wish come true - she wants her H. She doesn't want this 22 year old that she is having a fling with.
I did grill M GF on protection. I went as far as to tell her oral stuff was out b/c there are studies that show that HPV can cause throat cancer. I told her to "double glove" - perhaps not pratical - but to drive home the risks involved. She never had the comprehensive sex education that I did in high school. The fling claims he is getting tests done. I told her that didn't mean anything and discussed incubation periods, etc.
I am there for M GF b/c she is my friend. And sometimes as a friend you have to let your friend walk their path in life and figure it out for themselves. You can guide a friend - you cannot protect people from themselves. You sometimes have to watch friends do things where they hurt themselves and then you are there for them if/when they fall.
Like I said - my posts would have had a very different tone a year ago. Things are never black and white - they are shades of gray. People are human - and we have to accept that we are all fallible human beings.
I am glad you posted about this. I had so many Unusual things happen this past weekend - I really hadn't thought this one through.
You are right.... You are FIRST there to love your friend... That is what a real friend is.... However, we do need to lovingly advise our friends.... Whether they want it or not..... That is an important part of being a friend..... I would not want someone to say later, "Why didn't you tell me ______." I clearly share how I feel and then drop it....
Back to the disease thing for a moment... A friend of mine in high school pointed out ANY sex is risky.... She said, "What if you and your girlfriend are both virgins pondering having sex? How can you be sure one of you does not have HIV or another disease from a blood transfusion or medical procedure?" It made me think... Even though the chances are slim in that case, they are still there.....
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/07/0805:03 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I had a work phone call and had to work - hate it when that happens...
To be able to influence her - I need to stay in the loop. If I judge her - she will clam up and run away. It took a lot for her to trust me enough to tell me. She values my opinion and was afraid of my reaction - probably why she told me when I was pretty drunk. Something that happens maybe once a year on my B-day.
She is finally starting to believe that her H's behavior is not a reflection of her own sexuality - but rather a function/reaction to his abuse.
So I am making progress there.
She use to believe he had the option of choosing to respond to her - that he was ignoring her by choice - or b/c he found her unattractive.
She is in a downward spiral right now - since here step mother died a couple of months ago She was drinking and has caught herself. She was taking sleeping pills - dangerous combination - and is off of that. I pick her up to go to yoga with me - and it is helping her at least sleep at night.
Her biological mother and sister were both very physically abusive when she was growing - so there are other reasons why she may be pre-disposed to not have the greatest self esteem.
I learned the hard way with The X. I cannot rescue people from themselves. He suffered from depression. I can give them my hand and leave it there till they are ready to take it. The rest is out of my control.
Truth is I can tell M GF where I think she is suppose to go based on social norms, etc. But really it is a fact pattern that makes it very hard to absolutely quantify right and wrong.
I know M GF really loves her H and her affair is a reaction to her own hurt b/c she thinks he doesn't love her and that he doesn't find her attractive.
There was a poster in this forum several years ago that had a similar fact pattern and filed for D. All that poster wanted was validation of her attractiveness and sexuality from her H and she finally gave up. Was it better for the children? I honestly don't know. This man was a step father and the only father these kids had known. And by her own admission he was a really good father. There was so much anger and hurt - and of course a D introduces so much more gunk - kids having to tip toe around parents. I am not a C - I have no idea if it was the right thing. The older I get- the harder it is for me to see cases where it is completely right or completely wrong. Usually it is a combination of both.
I had a work phone call and had to work - hate it when that happens...
To be able to influence her - I need to stay in the loop. If I judge her - she will clam up and run away. It took a lot for her to trust me enough to tell me. She values my opinion and was afraid of my reaction - probably why she told me when I was pretty drunk. Something that happens maybe once a year on my B-day.
She is finally starting to believe that her H's behavior is not a reflection of her own sexuality - but rather a function/reaction to his abuse.
So I am making progress there.
She use to believe he had the option of choosing to respond to her - that he was ignoring her by choice - or b/c he found her unattractive.
She is in a downward spiral right now - since here step mother died a couple of months ago She was drinking and has caught herself. She was taking sleeping pills - dangerous combination - and is off of that. I pick her up to go to yoga with me - and it is helping her at least sleep at night.
Her biological mother and sister were both very physically abusive when she was growing - so there are other reasons why she may be pre-disposed to not have the greatest self esteem.
I learned the hard way with The X. I cannot rescue people from themselves. He suffered from depression. I can give them my hand and leave it there till they are ready to take it. The rest is out of my control.
Truth is I can tell M GF where I think she is suppose to go based on social norms, etc. But really it is a fact pattern that makes it very hard to absolutely quantify right and wrong.
I know M GF really loves her H and her affair is a reaction to her own hurt b/c she thinks he doesn't love her and that he doesn't find her attractive.
There was a poster in this forum several years ago that had a similar fact pattern and filed for D. All that poster wanted was validation of her attractiveness and sexuality from her H and she finally gave up. Was it better for the children? I honestly don't know. This man was a step father and the only father these kids had known. And by her own admission he was a really good father. There was so much anger and hurt - and of course a D introduces so much more gunk - kids having to tip toe around parents. I am not a C - I have no idea if it was the right thing. The older I get- the harder it is for me to see cases where it is completely right or completely wrong. Usually it is a combination of both.
take care, AG
AG,
That smells of what my exW did to me.... exW acted out on a bunch of false assumptions.... exW assumed she did not mean anything to me....
I said,
Quote:
None of this stuff means ANYTHING. We can put the cars in the garage... AND burn everything to the ground.... INCLUDING my guitar collection..... We can walk away hand in hand with JUST the clothes on our back..... AND I would be happy....
The dumb a$$ just stood there looking at me...
Your friends needs to communicate with her H..........
Take Care,
NMD
Last edited by No_More_Dodo; 07/07/0807:32 PM.
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Thank you for your thoughts. I know this is an issue that is close to you and affected your life. I appreciate the time and effort you made to post your thoughts to me.
You have made some very good points. I will keep them all in mind as I talk to M GF again.
Now my social life taking off - to where I am having to squeeze in my work!
My cat lady wants to meet for lunch/dinner. She really is great. She made a decision to go back to school to study nursing and is working part time. It was tough for her at first - but she hung in there and I am so proud of her.
And one of the attorneys I met at the last seminar wants to meet for lunch on Friday. I have met his W and kids and like their family. This friendship is within my comfort zone. When my parents got their D - they both ran away from the Indian community. It is nice to reconnect with my community again. And he is also a EE from UT Austin - another fellow Longhorn! He is a few years my junior - I was gone by the time he started. He is a partner at a large Chicago patent boutique... Someone I would consider forming a partnership with in expanding my firm.... Not ready to go there yet - but a thought to add in percolating thoughts with respect to where I want to go with my business.
The Bulge. Well The Bulge is a wee bit ahead after last weekend. My goal is 5k on my treadmill every morning as soon as I get out of bed. I am up to 2.75 miles. I am being regular with my yoga to minimize pain/injury and so I can push myself. And my birthday present to myself is to join a local gym. I want to add weights at least 2 times/week. I need to work on upper body toning and want to add a pilates class a week to target that pesky middle. And I get to use the steam room and sauna - that of course will be my favorite part! At least all my laptop related injuries are gone.
The weightloss part is not happening. I did let myself go - and well it is more important to me to convert fat to muscle than lose weight. Although seeing that silly scale budge a little would certainly be a moral booster... At least my clothes are fitting better.
I am still working on my last "catch up" assignment. And well at that moment I finish this project - life will be exceptionally good!
How will she feel years later when the children learn the truth? How will that make them view their mother? I would find that devastating learning our "normal and happy family" was just a fraud.... That could really impact their children more than D.... Just my personal feelings.....