Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am in the same position- did not know until it was too late. Can't give you any advice because I am trying and failing! to get through mine. I had a phone session with a marriage coach and I can honestly say she did give me hope and make me feel a whole lot better!! Good Luck !!
Hi Everyone, So sorry that we are all here trying to DB, but so glad that I found this site as well. I'm looking for any advice I can get. I'm actually not sure a newbie dealing with this problem but have been feeling like my situation is hopeless.
Here's my story... H and I have been together for 14+ years, married for 4+ years. Two weeks before we got married he found out OW was pregnant. He of course didn't tell me, we got married and when his son was 7months I found out in 2005. He then left me for like 5 weeks b/c "he needed time to think" and moved with OW and son. Throughout this time I kept saying that I wanted my marriage to work and I waited on him to come back home. I remember the pain of those 5 weeks like yesterday. So when he came back he was still seeing OW although he said he was only there for his son. Then in Jan 2006 I moved out and moved from the city to the suburbs to prove that I don't want to live that way. But I still left the door open and H was spending nights with me. Yes, he's a total cake eater. In April 06, OW attacks me at our old apt that H was staying at, and H completely did not defend me. A few days later he felt guilty and apologized and even moved in with me but kept the apt for a few months as a safety net. OW had also married some guy to prove a point to H. In Dec 2006, we bought our house and looking back I was trying to move on with our lives, although we kept fighting about OW. Ended up dealing with fertility problems and "I" was trying to get pg. H was still running to visit OW saying that he has to take care of his son and I don't want him to and I'm the bad guy and his son comes first, etc. etc.
So this past summer, H was acting strange again, removed, saying he was happy with marriage, he hadn't acconplished anything in his life, I think everything is mine, etc. In Sept we had a bad fight after H stood me up on a date to go be with son, showed up back at home at 10:45 and I was pissed off. He then left home saying I kicked him out (I did tell him to get out), was staying at his mother for a while, then OW left her H, and my H was even trying to have her stay at his mother's house for a while. Big chaos since H's family and I are really close. So now H and OW, her daughther and their son is renting a place.
This all seems so hopeless for me. I don't think H really loves OW but I know he lovessss his son. But she does feed a need for H. I'm well educated with a master degree and H has not gone to college. But I thought we were above all that bs since H has supported throughout my education. OW doesn't even have a high school diploma, no job, on welfare, etc. So I know she is totally feedng his ego and he feeds like she needs him for everything. H also use to talk about how women like that men don't want and they have nothing to offer and now look where he's is. Sorry so long, my question to follow...
So I think H is a total cake eater and when he left I think he wanted to be able to go and come as he likes although he said that he's not coming back. So I took the key back. Now, I've been trying to do some 180s, like backing off and not calling, making myself busy and not answering all his calls. I think I have done all the work in this R and H needs to do the work if he want to save it. He called me on Tues saying that he's sorry and he knows that he has hurt me and he still loves me but he hasn't call me back since. I called him yesterday and he cut me off and said he would call back but hasn't. I'm trying very hard to not call him back and to be unreachable when he does call.
So last weekend, I actually went into H's bank acct and took $$ to pay the mortgage and of course he was pissed off. He called yelling and I told him that I paid the mortgage with it. He of course took back him $, changed his pw and said that I must pay the mortgage myself since I told him to get out of my house, which I did say and I know that was wrong. Anywa after that I text H saying that since he doesn't want anything to do with our town, he needs to find car insurance for his place in the city by 12/21. He said he would. Is that wrong to do? But I think since I have to struggle to pay a mortgage by myself H should have to struggle too. His license is terrible and I know that he won't get insurance in his name. I was planning that if he doesn't find insurance I am still requesting that he surrender his license plates and if he doesn't that I would go and take them off his car. I'm not sure if this would be totally wrong to do though b/c H always says I try to control everything and I know this would be controlling. But at the same time I think H has been so disrespectful to me through the years for his son and OW and I have taken it. Should I put my foot down here? Please advise. Thank you so much.
I found that my W or ex as she puts it is wanting to be desired and not be lonely! she has said we can't be at the same time, this is my conflict. If I try to do these things while she is still dating? will that make her want to back off more or could I do this a little at a time. she has been more friendly and is struggling with thinking she needs to find the one. She is dating more then one guy, I know it has been trouble for her. Should I be the one she that stands by her... She used to call me the one! I know she is having sex with at leat one. I also have had the kids show they really miss me, SS has asked and begged me to stay.. can I capitolize on this?
Last edited by pauld2100; 02/18/0902:04 PM.
Me 40 waw 39 Never formally M Common law SD 16 SS 13 Together 9 yrs bomb 10/2/08 She started dating 11/08 Started P/A 01/09 Contiunes to call R over
Hi all I guess its a year since i started this thread and went through depression, suicide attempts as I couldnt leave my wife nor could i lose my woman friend. i have lost her and my wife is hunting her and wont trust me. I gave up leaving for the kids and in hope my wife would change. She has but doesnt let me foget what i did. Still unhappy but dont want to lose kids and I guess be taken to cleaners in a divorce which she said will fight. Maybe I should just disappear and start a new life at the beginning. Help!
I havent been here for quite awhile. I was here originally about 3 yrs ago. My h was having an affair and moved out for 1 yr. i filed for d and he came back home. He was back home for about 2 yrs. but I still had trouble with trust and forgiveness. He still seemed to be avoiding spending time with me, and i would get angry. His father passed away 5 mos ago and his mother is very codendent on husband so that put more stress on our relationship. He also went through a major financial loss with his business and thats when I think he went back to the ow, that was 3 mos ago and I confronted him about it and he admitted it. He said it would not continue but it did because ow husband called me 3 wks ago and said they were together again. I was so angry I told him to get his clothes and get out.But the next day I asked him to come back until my son finishes high school in 2 yrs. but he said no. He is living at his mothers now and his mother loves it she has her son and doesnt have to be alone. I have been not having any contact wiht h for the past 3 days, before that I showed alot of anger and desperation. What do you suggest? I am so depressed over this situation. H is also into porno,heavy metal, and other dark stuff and I am a christian and he isnt
I can understand your anger and your pain. IMHO, (because I've experienced a similar sitch) there really is nothing we can do but let them live their own life. I cry when I hear at bible studies that the "sexually immoral" will have no escape, because I still love my H. But, that's past now, and we really are of two different worlds and our morals and ethics have parted ways. Yours will too, in time, and it will be food for your soul.
