“You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don’t mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can’t approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
OK, I've found out about the OW in the online EA. One of the things she does is send my H songs (not her own) that he might like and poems (her own, I think).
Does this mean I should be writing him poetry or love letters? It's not impossible for me to do -- I'm a trained writer. But would that be overstepping the bounds, making him feel pressured? Essentially a poem would be R talk, I know, but if getting something like this makes him feel better, should I be doing something similar?
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
Hi, I am new to DBing and I just found this thread. I am "almost" positive my H is having an affair EA or PA with a woman who has three kids and is 30 years younger than him.
He said he's known her for over a year and met her at work. I also found a secret cell phone in February with her phone number on it and a phone number with her shortened name which belonged to a hooker. She says he is married but the last time I talked to her she said she is getting divorced.
When I mentioned this to my H (this was all a long time ago -- weeks at least) he said, "I'm sure there was a lot of lying going on in that conversation." When I asked him if she was married, he said, "As far as I know, no." Yeah, right! Anyway, I don't think he sees her all the time, but I know he talks to her at least three times a week on his Private Cell phone. He took my name off of the authorized telephone billing in the middle of June and has been using his own (regular) cell phone exclusively now. At one time, I caught him with two extra prepaid phones, and if that's not crazy, what is?
Thanks for listening.
Not sure what he gets from her. When I found out about her in February, he said they were just friends and he took her to lunch a couple of times. He told me, at that time, that they talk about everything, sometimes they even talk about me. I think she is "coaching" him.
Then, I found out he was with her in a hotel one night, but he still denies that too. Stills says there is no affair. I'm afraid he is denying it because he's afraid it will affect the financial possibilities for him in the divorce. He wants the house and said he will "...fight me tooth and nail for it."
But you know she makes him feel good and appreciated, loved. You could do that.
What do you think you could do in that line?
This is what I am trying to do... He lives here still, although sleeps in another room. I ask him how he slept, I wish him a good day, I ask him how his day was when he gets home, I praise him when he mentions something good that happens and thank him for the least little things he does. I also still do his laundry and make his lunch (I'm a SAHM so I consider this part of my "job") and try to put a positive spin on every interaction we have, no matter what.
Also, he recently restarted pursuing his old hobby of photography, which he had given up for years... I ask him to share his photos, praise his pictures, I even recently helped get one published and possibly have hooked him up for more to be published in the future. I try to encourage him on this hobby, although it is taking time away from my D and that is hard... Although I'm sure this is what the OW is doing -- making him feel great that he is a talented photographer and so creative! But if he needs to fulfill that need, I want him to know I can do it here without him having to look to other people...
I'm hoping this is enough because I'm not sure how much more I can do right now in our situation, which is basically absolutely no "R" talk -- he wants his space, wants be alone, yet he's online at night constantly with this OW chatting -- which clearly isn't being alone!
So this is what I've done.
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
I have been unhappy for the past 10 years in a 23 year marriage (3 kids, 21,20 and 14). Defining unhappy is not that clear and maybe highlights me as selfish in nature, but communication, different working hours, feeling unloved, being told why did you come home after a business trip, you stink, accusatory comments, and and showing abuse to my parents are but some of the issues. The purchase of a PC about 10 years ago enabled curiousity in internet dating, chat sites etc - maybe I was being selfish again. Nothing really came of this, a few meetings with individuals over dinner (I claiming either separation or divorce). However, things got worse over the past 3 years with my partner. Chatting with one internet dater about 6 mths led to a strong connection and degree of comfort with that person, cahtting every day for 6 weeks before a meeting and then a second meeting a month later which resulted in sex. I broke the news to my partner and they had no idea I was so unhappy and then they worked out I was seeing someone else. The trust is destroyed and we will separate shortly. I still love her but realise we have moved apart and that I feel much happier with my new friend. Lots of plans have been made with them although statistically the chances of a long term relationship may not be high we have a common thread in finding again our religious beliefs and culture. However, I wantto remain "friends" with my partner which i ffel if we dont may consume both of us with anger. I dont expect immediate resolution but hopefully over time with support we can find a happy friendship.
"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The mroe you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."
“You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don’t mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can’t approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don’t tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.”
This is something that has confused me ever since I read it in DR- how do I accomplish this with a WAW? I have stopped talking about her ongoing affair and stopped pursuing her, so how do I go about doing any investigative work if all my avenues of info are cut off?
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
Reality, I know Im checking in to this thread late but I have some questions. Your sitch is what I am living. H dropped the bomb I had no idea he was unhappy. H is in a relationship with another woman. He is moving in with her. So can you answer me this. How can you still love her if you are leaving? I just dont get that part. How do I be friends with the person I loved for so long and betrayed me, lied to me and had hurt me so badly. How do I get past the hurt. Do you feel any hurt and if so then why do you not want to try and repair your relationship. I genuinely need answers to these questions? I dont want to be angry the rest of my life but Im having a hard time allowing myself to be kind and not angry at the person who has hurt me so badly. I feel that it makes it OK for him to have done these things. Please help.
H 47 Me 47 Married 24 years together 30 2 boys 16 18 Dropped bomb end of may 08 Sep July 08 D started Sept 19 HS sweethearts
hi, same for me. I had no idea that H was unhappy and had someone else. I had felt distant from H and asked for us to go to counselling a few months before; H said we did not need it. Work got busy ( I know stupid)for me and then a few months later when i went to go to counselling on my own, he has someone else. H would like to be friends. How on earth do I do that? I have had to ask H not to talk to OW in front of me, H thought it would be ok?? So far, I am GALing.. and it is coming slowly. but everytime I turn around I am confronted with a reminder of her..he left a note out with a log on name, his, and the password is her name. She bought him a birthday gift and it is in his office. She calls every morning..they email ..they text... How do you ignore that stuff?
I know very little of the OW in my husband's life. I obtained her name because a thank you note from an apartment complex was sent to mine and my husband's home. Addressed to him and her. With a little internet search, I obtained an address, age, and her husband [maybe ex] and a couple of kids names. Her youngest is about 26. I have no idea what she looks like or where she works. But since living at the house with only my kids, I have had time to prepare to move out; separate items; and simply just clean everything. I did find some evidence that he has known her since at least last Winter because her address was in his pocket. No name but my earlier research knew it was. I also determined she is from Russia because this pocket calendar had Russian phrases on the back with english translations in his hand writing. Mind you this was last Winter...and besides the usual Hello; Good Bye; phrases...it also had You're My Woman and I Want You. Personally, I work for a international company and different languages are always be translated for those of us who only speak english. Knowing the translation sites, I was able to prove some phrases; correct some spellings, etc except the two above that hurt the most.
So tell me...how do I find out more about this OW without "snooping?" I have an idea where she works but it is only a guess. I am certain my husband has shown photos of me so I can not be visual but I have thought of sending my son who is 22. He may have shown her pictures of the kids but the only ones he has right now is when they were little. The only fear here is...if my husband is there...the "snooping" idea will be out in the open. Do we camp out at his apartment which I have never been too...but with today's technology...I am certain cars in the parking lot are on surveillance and watched for suspicious behavior. I do know he did a lot of emailing on 'our' computer. If I knew how to retreive some old email...I am certain I will find "love" letters or meetings, etc. Mind you, I don't want to seem like I don't respect privacy issues but in this case....I may find many lies I never noticed.
MrsJJJ Me: 44 H: 44 Married: 7 years Bomb: 7-25-08 Abandoned: 08-04-08 OW: Est. Jan 08; age 47/48 My kids / his step-kids H excellent Dad / Kids miss him S -22 D -20 D -15 Summons filed: 8-8-08 I do not want divorce H to be served Nov, 08 for financial support
New & not sure how to start my own- But I have a question! My dh cheated on me and has no remorse, regret nothing. How do I get past that & the fact that I don't beleive a word out of his mouth?? How can I try & fix this? When we try & have esx all I think about is what he might have or done to her when he was slleping with her!! Am I crazy?? It didn't bother me this much until very recently. I've only learned of all of this this past July. I want us to work out, I just wish I could trust him, what he says and with no remorse how can I????? I hate the feeling like this! Please any advice???
