Kelly Jo The Wifey new thread.

[The Wifey]

Neil, I think harsh is what I need. I need a good 2x4 beating to the head.

[mulesqb]

I haven't felt any anger, only grief. I did this. I caused this. I hurt him. I'm the responsible party.

Maybe if I could get angry I wouldn't feel so sad.

SMACK!!!! - Now pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back to work! And stop talking and thinking like that!

[LolaL]

Now Kelly Jo...stop it!! This will be harsh. No matter what the circumstances, it takes two to make or break a marriage. I did the same thing you are doing now. I blamed myself, what if I had done this, what if I had done that. It was not all my fault. Yes, I share the responsiblity, but it is not all one sided. So quit it right now!!!

You take the responsiblity of your share, no more, no less. Regardless of who got hurt where, it is still a two way street. Love yourself, it is okay, you are worthy.

[The Wifey]

Thank you Lola. I can see that he gave up way too soon, he withdrew, he didn't make an effort to find things we could do together.

I need to start detaching. What is step one that you did?

[Bworl]

Wifey,

The best thing you can do for your situation is ANYTHING that makes YOU feel good, stable, and at peace inside.

Husband takes off on his motorcycle for hours at a time. Why? Because when he's riding, he is at peace, can think clearly, and is away from the "drama" (his words I believe).

So what do YOU do for YOU when you're feeling weighted down by the drama? Why do you feel the need to be doing something for HIM or for the MARRIAGE, when until Wifey is back on her feet, things will stay in same stuck position.

Quite honestly, reading back over your original post, I'm not exactly sure what the issue is between the two of you. I don't see anything you've done that would lead to a separation, and I don't see anything that he's done. Seems to me that you are two people who had a decent, loving marriage that had the normal ups and downs, with maybe a couple heavy moments along the way.

Your husband wants the Wifey that he dated and fell in love with. He wants the relatively care free days that were full of promise, hope, and innocence.

Now we all know that you can't go back. Hell, we've all grown up and life is not nearly as simple as it was when we were 18. But you can go back and give him that carefree woman who so captured his attention.

You can make love as much as you want. You can take as many bike rides as you want. He is well aware of things around him. He looks and sees drama. He sees blah-blah-blah. Yeah, there might be a bit of mid-life transition going on in him, but it's nothing like the mid-life CRISES that you'll read about over on the MLC board. I see your husband as restless and craving his independence. You've both been responsible parents for 19 years. Maybe he's ready for a bit of a return to the early days when it was just the two of you.

There is no room here for him to see you breaking down and moping about. Every time he sees that, he sees the bad times of NOW, instead of the good times he wants to see.

I think the email exchanges are inappropriate. But I really didn't get the sense there was any physical interest there. When things are better, when the two of you have recommitted yourselves to the marriage, I think the emailing between he and Ginny is a topic for conversation. For now, you let it go.

Snooping is not attractive. You only do it when YOU HAVE TO KNOW because you're pretty sure a line has been crossed.

Think about each GOOD interaction with your husband. Ask yourself what each of those have in common. What I see is that each time you were relaxed, fairly confident, and just being yourself. You were going with the flow and enjoying the moment. There were no deep relationship talks, no pressure about the future. Just a husband and wife enjoying time together.

You've got great advisors here. Listen to them.

And yes, you can do this.


Blessings,

Bill

[The Wifey]

Thank you, Bill. Did I tell everyone that that is my h's name? You are very wise. You are right. I have to start focusing on me and make myself start feeling something other than pain and fear. Even if I have to fake it at first. : )

I'm buckling in for the long haul. I really hate roller coasters, but maybe I need to just go ride the Superman to feel alive.

[Neilh23]

ah yes...6 flags darien lake....

except i throw up on roller coasters....LOL...motion sickness you woulnd't believe......

you are going to be ok.......focus on you....

[The Wifey]

Thanks so much for your kindness. I don't know if I throw up on roller coasters. Usually I just avoid them. So you know Darien Lake? BTW it is no longer a six flags park.

[Neilh23]

tha'ts right. yep, i know darien lake. been there for many a concert and the theme park. i grew up in buffalo.... the only coaster i can go on there is the viper

[The Wifey]

I can usually tolerate the mind eraser. The first hill scares me, but then the rest of the ride goes so fast it is over before I know it. Rode it just a week ago. H said he didn't even know I was there because I didn't make a sound. Good I didn't scream. Was just trying to breath and get through it.